Verbalizing the Significance

I spend most of my time questioning myself and why I do the things I do....why I say the things I say....why I struggle with the things I struggle with....so, it seems only natural for me to once again ask the question "what's the significance?"

I am referring to the post "Wish you were Here". Why did I write that and what significance is there?

The obvious answer is that it is part of my need for closure. I was never given a chance to say good-bye to Brian. I never saw him after he died. He was hurt too bad and I was advised not to see him. I don't really regret that because I know how hard it would have been for me to get that picture out of my mind. I would have struggled a lot more with the results of seeing him in such an injured state than I have struggled with the closure issue.

It's the emotional closure that is difficult to wrestle with....we never got to say our last heart-felt goodbyes and that is difficult to work through. Writing the two posts (If I had one more good-bye and Wish you were here) have helped to fill the void. I have never been real big on having people write letters that will never be read but in my case I have experienced the benefit of it.

So, beyond the obvious benefits, the "wish you were here" served another important purpose. The post was actually a recognition and acceptance of the fact that I will never understand why this happened. Although I didn't recognize it until later, the fact that I believe that the only helpful thing that Brian could say would be "I wish you were here" is an indication that some peace has been made with my lack of understanding. After all, I could have had Brian tell me that everything was going to work out just fine and that "xyz" was the reason that this happened and that someday I will understand it all. But, that wasn't what the post ended up looking like....

I was talking with Smitty today and I told her there is one thing I am absolutely sure of.... I will never understand why this happened to me and my family. The answer is that there is no answer.....there will never be a worthy explanation.....and my last post reflected my acceptance of that....

It doesn't mean that I like it....it doesn't mean that I don't still have questions in the back of mind....it just means that I have resigned myself to believe that I will never understand....

I think, for me, that is progress....and a little bit of healing.....and for that I am grateful.