Every once in a while I get to see some good come of the tragedy I have experienced. This week was one of those times. My sister called and told me about a man in her church that died unexpectedly this week. He left behind a wife and a three year old child.
She called because their church had not ever experienced the death of a young father. This was someone in her age bracket and many of her friends remembered that she had a sister who lost her young husband. They looked to her for advice because she had experienced death first-hand.
She asked me what were the most helpful things people did for me....what should she tell people to do or say to help minister to this lady.
I told her I could talk all afternoon about what people did that was helpful to me. But, most importantly I told her that I didn't remember anything anyone said to me, but I do remember them being there. I also told her that this was her chance to be Jesus to this lady. Use whatever resources and abilities you have and allow God to nudge you to do things that will minister to her.
I remember how overwhelmed I felt by the love and support of people. I truly felt God's presence in the most undeniable ways because of the way people took it upon themselves to be Jesus to our family. Sometimes the church is at its very best during the most difficult of circumstances.
She asked me a lot of other questions and I answered them as best I could...she called me later and said her pastor took her notes and had decided to print off a brochure to give to people to help them know what to do, what to say, what not to say, etc....
I guess this is one of those times when I am finding bits of good here and there.....and for that I am grateful. I can't yet say that I am grateful for the tragedy (that'll be the day!) but I am grateful for how God can use me...even as wounded as I have been....
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Verbalizing the Significance
I spend most of my time questioning myself and why I do the things I do....why I say the things I say....why I struggle with the things I struggle with....so, it seems only natural for me to once again ask the question "what's the significance?"
I am referring to the post "Wish you were Here". Why did I write that and what significance is there?
The obvious answer is that it is part of my need for closure. I was never given a chance to say good-bye to Brian. I never saw him after he died. He was hurt too bad and I was advised not to see him. I don't really regret that because I know how hard it would have been for me to get that picture out of my mind. I would have struggled a lot more with the results of seeing him in such an injured state than I have struggled with the closure issue.
It's the emotional closure that is difficult to wrestle with....we never got to say our last heart-felt goodbyes and that is difficult to work through. Writing the two posts (If I had one more good-bye and Wish you were here) have helped to fill the void. I have never been real big on having people write letters that will never be read but in my case I have experienced the benefit of it.
So, beyond the obvious benefits, the "wish you were here" served another important purpose. The post was actually a recognition and acceptance of the fact that I will never understand why this happened. Although I didn't recognize it until later, the fact that I believe that the only helpful thing that Brian could say would be "I wish you were here" is an indication that some peace has been made with my lack of understanding. After all, I could have had Brian tell me that everything was going to work out just fine and that "xyz" was the reason that this happened and that someday I will understand it all. But, that wasn't what the post ended up looking like....
I was talking with Smitty today and I told her there is one thing I am absolutely sure of.... I will never understand why this happened to me and my family. The answer is that there is no answer.....there will never be a worthy explanation.....and my last post reflected my acceptance of that....
It doesn't mean that I like it....it doesn't mean that I don't still have questions in the back of mind....it just means that I have resigned myself to believe that I will never understand....
I think, for me, that is progress....and a little bit of healing.....and for that I am grateful.
I am referring to the post "Wish you were Here". Why did I write that and what significance is there?
The obvious answer is that it is part of my need for closure. I was never given a chance to say good-bye to Brian. I never saw him after he died. He was hurt too bad and I was advised not to see him. I don't really regret that because I know how hard it would have been for me to get that picture out of my mind. I would have struggled a lot more with the results of seeing him in such an injured state than I have struggled with the closure issue.
It's the emotional closure that is difficult to wrestle with....we never got to say our last heart-felt goodbyes and that is difficult to work through. Writing the two posts (If I had one more good-bye and Wish you were here) have helped to fill the void. I have never been real big on having people write letters that will never be read but in my case I have experienced the benefit of it.
So, beyond the obvious benefits, the "wish you were here" served another important purpose. The post was actually a recognition and acceptance of the fact that I will never understand why this happened. Although I didn't recognize it until later, the fact that I believe that the only helpful thing that Brian could say would be "I wish you were here" is an indication that some peace has been made with my lack of understanding. After all, I could have had Brian tell me that everything was going to work out just fine and that "xyz" was the reason that this happened and that someday I will understand it all. But, that wasn't what the post ended up looking like....
I was talking with Smitty today and I told her there is one thing I am absolutely sure of.... I will never understand why this happened to me and my family. The answer is that there is no answer.....there will never be a worthy explanation.....and my last post reflected my acceptance of that....
It doesn't mean that I like it....it doesn't mean that I don't still have questions in the back of mind....it just means that I have resigned myself to believe that I will never understand....
I think, for me, that is progress....and a little bit of healing.....and for that I am grateful.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
The Unexpected Moments
Walking with my kids through their grief has been an extremely meaningful experience. I have found that they have unexpected moments of grief. The kids seem to do their grieving in little bits and pieces. Sometimes I feel like I do a good job of reading them and other times I feel completely lost in trying to guide them through their grief.
Tonight was one of those unexpected moments. I put Braden to bed and told the kids we were doing family time. Family time usually means reading the Bible or talking about what they are learning about God at church. Tonight, when I mentioned that we were going to have family time Lexi immediately went to get the big box out of the closet that has all the cards and memorabilia from Brian's funeral. I wasn't planning to make tonight about Brian but when Lexi came back with the box I figured she must need to talk about her daddy. Lexi has found a lot of comfort in reading the cards that people sent or listening to the letters that people wrote to her about her daddy.
Tonight, she found the DVD that had a photo slideshow of Brian that was put together for his funeral. I had forgotten that Lexi didn't go to the funeral and had never seen this video. I popped it in the television and we started watching it. I could see out of the corner of my eye that Nathan was getting uncomfortable and fighting back tears. Of course when I saw how it was affecting him it began to affect me....and so there we all were, silently crying. I picked Nathan up and put him in my lap and held him close....I told him that I still cried sometimes when I thought about daddy and that it was ok to cry....Lexi ran off and came back in a flash with kleenex for each of us....I think she is going to be a counselor someday.....there have been several times when I have been crying and she has run off to get me a kleenex....never says a word just disappears and comes back with kleenex and a hug.....we all cried for just a little bit....snuggled together and had one of those unexpected grief moments....but we did it together...and it was ok....and it was a sweet family moment....
I am thankful for those grief moments that we share together....they are few and far between....and are usually unexpected and unplanned....but they are meaningful to me.....and for that I am grateful.
Shelly
Tonight was one of those unexpected moments. I put Braden to bed and told the kids we were doing family time. Family time usually means reading the Bible or talking about what they are learning about God at church. Tonight, when I mentioned that we were going to have family time Lexi immediately went to get the big box out of the closet that has all the cards and memorabilia from Brian's funeral. I wasn't planning to make tonight about Brian but when Lexi came back with the box I figured she must need to talk about her daddy. Lexi has found a lot of comfort in reading the cards that people sent or listening to the letters that people wrote to her about her daddy.
Tonight, she found the DVD that had a photo slideshow of Brian that was put together for his funeral. I had forgotten that Lexi didn't go to the funeral and had never seen this video. I popped it in the television and we started watching it. I could see out of the corner of my eye that Nathan was getting uncomfortable and fighting back tears. Of course when I saw how it was affecting him it began to affect me....and so there we all were, silently crying. I picked Nathan up and put him in my lap and held him close....I told him that I still cried sometimes when I thought about daddy and that it was ok to cry....Lexi ran off and came back in a flash with kleenex for each of us....I think she is going to be a counselor someday.....there have been several times when I have been crying and she has run off to get me a kleenex....never says a word just disappears and comes back with kleenex and a hug.....we all cried for just a little bit....snuggled together and had one of those unexpected grief moments....but we did it together...and it was ok....and it was a sweet family moment....
I am thankful for those grief moments that we share together....they are few and far between....and are usually unexpected and unplanned....but they are meaningful to me.....and for that I am grateful.
Shelly
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Wish You Were Here--Mark Harris
I was driving along this week when I heard the song "Wish You Were Here" by Mark Harris. I googled it and found the lyrics and discovered it was actually an old song that I had just never heard.
I still have thoughts rumbling through my head about what Brian might say to me if he had the chance. I think this song might be representative of what he might say.
If you have never heard it, here are the words:
Wish You Were Here.....
I wanted to tell you how closely I've kept
The memories of you in my heart
And all of the lifetimes that we've had to share
Live even though we're apart
But don't cry for me
'Cause I'm finally free
To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That's where I'll be
When you finally find me
No don't you be weary cause waiting for you
Are wonders that you've never known
Just hold on to Jesus, reach out for His hands
And one day they'll welcome you home
And that's when you'll be
Finally free
Finally free
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
And all of the dreams that you treasure
Will soon come together
And that's when your sorrow will find tomorrow
And you will rise again
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
The song does a couple of things for me....it puts into perspective life and death....and eternity....and I never considered that maybe Brian would just say to me...."I wish you were here"....."I wish you were here"....
And....then...he would probably say.....but you aren't here....so keep living....keep loving...keep trusting....I can see what's ahead for you and God is good.....follow your heart and chase some big dreams.....take some risks....have some fun.....and soon you will be here.....soon you will be here.....and then you will see....and then you will see.....
I think the reason he would say "I wish you were here" is not because he needs me there....or that he is missing me or waiting for me to get there....maybe the point of him saying "I wish you were here" is that he would know how frustrated I am with trying to "understand" how this happened and how it fits into God's plan for my life....he, of all people, would know that the mystery of God's hand in my life can only be revealed fully when I have all of eternity as my perspective....in other words, "Shelly, I wish you were here because I know you how badly you have been hurting and I just wish you could see what I see and experience what I have experienced....because it is all true...God is faithful and will be faithful to you for all eternity....I wish you were here because I know how confused and conflicted you have been...and there is no way for me to describe it, you just have to be here to truly understand it...."
I don't think he would feel compelled to address the past or try to explain God and His plans for my life.....I think he would just keep pointing me towards the future.....pointing me to trust God with the big picture.....I think he would want me to let go of what I needed to let go of in order to rebuild my life.....and I think he would find a way to communicate his love for me and the kids in a way that would give us enough closure to move forward....he loved us with all of his heart...he would remind me of that....
So.......really, the only thing he could say....that would be helpful at all....would be "I wish you were here".....
I guess I hoped that maybe there would be something I could dream up that he could say to me that would make all of this ok....and that would give me what I needed to make peace with his abrupt departure.....
But....that is impossible....this side of heaven.....
Until I am there....I can't understand it....
Until I am there....
Shelly
I still have thoughts rumbling through my head about what Brian might say to me if he had the chance. I think this song might be representative of what he might say.
If you have never heard it, here are the words:
Wish You Were Here.....
I wanted to tell you how closely I've kept
The memories of you in my heart
And all of the lifetimes that we've had to share
Live even though we're apart
But don't cry for me
'Cause I'm finally free
To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That's where I'll be
When you finally find me
No don't you be weary cause waiting for you
Are wonders that you've never known
Just hold on to Jesus, reach out for His hands
And one day they'll welcome you home
And that's when you'll be
Finally free
Finally free
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
And all of the dreams that you treasure
Will soon come together
And that's when your sorrow will find tomorrow
And you will rise again
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
The song does a couple of things for me....it puts into perspective life and death....and eternity....and I never considered that maybe Brian would just say to me...."I wish you were here"....."I wish you were here"....
And....then...he would probably say.....but you aren't here....so keep living....keep loving...keep trusting....I can see what's ahead for you and God is good.....follow your heart and chase some big dreams.....take some risks....have some fun.....and soon you will be here.....soon you will be here.....and then you will see....and then you will see.....
I think the reason he would say "I wish you were here" is not because he needs me there....or that he is missing me or waiting for me to get there....maybe the point of him saying "I wish you were here" is that he would know how frustrated I am with trying to "understand" how this happened and how it fits into God's plan for my life....he, of all people, would know that the mystery of God's hand in my life can only be revealed fully when I have all of eternity as my perspective....in other words, "Shelly, I wish you were here because I know you how badly you have been hurting and I just wish you could see what I see and experience what I have experienced....because it is all true...God is faithful and will be faithful to you for all eternity....I wish you were here because I know how confused and conflicted you have been...and there is no way for me to describe it, you just have to be here to truly understand it...."
I don't think he would feel compelled to address the past or try to explain God and His plans for my life.....I think he would just keep pointing me towards the future.....pointing me to trust God with the big picture.....I think he would want me to let go of what I needed to let go of in order to rebuild my life.....and I think he would find a way to communicate his love for me and the kids in a way that would give us enough closure to move forward....he loved us with all of his heart...he would remind me of that....
So.......really, the only thing he could say....that would be helpful at all....would be "I wish you were here".....
I guess I hoped that maybe there would be something I could dream up that he could say to me that would make all of this ok....and that would give me what I needed to make peace with his abrupt departure.....
But....that is impossible....this side of heaven.....
Until I am there....I can't understand it....
Until I am there....
Shelly
Monday, March 19, 2007
An Appropriate Prayer Request
Have you ever wanted to pray for something but weren't really sure it was an appropriate request? Is there such a thing as an inappropriate prayer request? And...then...how do you know for sure that you are interpreting something that happens correctly? In other words, how do you know if you aren't reading too much into something or jumping to conclusions too quickly?
Two questions:
1. What if you want to pray for something but aren't sure it is an appropriate request?
2. How do you know for sure that you aren't interpreting something incorrectly....reading into it what you want to see or hear?
I'd love to hear your thoughts....
Shelly
Two questions:
1. What if you want to pray for something but aren't sure it is an appropriate request?
2. How do you know for sure that you aren't interpreting something incorrectly....reading into it what you want to see or hear?
I'd love to hear your thoughts....
Shelly
Life is so interesting
I have begun to learn that you better be careful when you brag on your kids or when you are too critical of someone else's kids....you know what happens....the very next day your child does or says something that makes you cringe....and then you wish you had never said anything.....
I guess it is somewhat the same with your parents. It makes life interesting I guess. Today, after this wonderful heart to heart conversation with my dad this weekend, my dad calls and among other things says "now...all you need to worry about now is finding a daddy for your kids". He was trying to be funny but he was also somewhat serious. He said, "of course we don't want just any man, we want God's man for you...blah, blah, blah...and I guess if God wants you to raise these three kids by yourself then you will do the best you can....blah, blah, blah". Come on dad....you are an incredible dad and I love you...but if I could reach through the phone I would smack you. My kids have a daddy. He just doesn't live here any more. My goal in life isn't to find another daddy for them. My goal is to do everything I can to make sure each one of them reach their potential...to make sure they find God's purpose for their life....and that is enough to keep me busy for the rest of my life....
Parents. They mean well...but this is probably one of the most "ridiculous" statements my dad has ever made. No, I didn't try to correct him or tell him what I really thought....I know he means well... and, I am still choosing to focus on the great conversation we had this weekend....but, come on.....what was he thinking?
In less than 48 hours my dad manages to provide both the high point and low point of our relationship....in terms of significant conversations...guess he thought he was on a roll so he would just go out on a limb.....as long as he doesn't make those kind of comments the new theme of our conversations I can let it go..........still scratching my head in disbelief over that one....
I guess it is somewhat the same with your parents. It makes life interesting I guess. Today, after this wonderful heart to heart conversation with my dad this weekend, my dad calls and among other things says "now...all you need to worry about now is finding a daddy for your kids". He was trying to be funny but he was also somewhat serious. He said, "of course we don't want just any man, we want God's man for you...blah, blah, blah...and I guess if God wants you to raise these three kids by yourself then you will do the best you can....blah, blah, blah". Come on dad....you are an incredible dad and I love you...but if I could reach through the phone I would smack you. My kids have a daddy. He just doesn't live here any more. My goal in life isn't to find another daddy for them. My goal is to do everything I can to make sure each one of them reach their potential...to make sure they find God's purpose for their life....and that is enough to keep me busy for the rest of my life....
Parents. They mean well...but this is probably one of the most "ridiculous" statements my dad has ever made. No, I didn't try to correct him or tell him what I really thought....I know he means well... and, I am still choosing to focus on the great conversation we had this weekend....but, come on.....what was he thinking?
In less than 48 hours my dad manages to provide both the high point and low point of our relationship....in terms of significant conversations...guess he thought he was on a roll so he would just go out on a limb.....as long as he doesn't make those kind of comments the new theme of our conversations I can let it go..........still scratching my head in disbelief over that one....
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Blown Away by God's Goodness
I had an experience this weekend when I was literally blown away by God's goodness in my life. It involves a conversation I had with my dad. I will cherish the conversation we had for the rest of my life. I can't even put into words why I was so moved by it. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have seen my dad cry. This weekend was one of those times. I am so grateful for my dad and the influence he has been in my life. I am also thankful that God gave me this moment this weekend to see inside my dad's heart and know how much he loves me and my kids.
I don't understand God's goodness....it comes unexpectedly....and this weekend was an unexpected high point in my relationship with my dad.
For that I am grateful....
Shelly
I don't understand God's goodness....it comes unexpectedly....and this weekend was an unexpected high point in my relationship with my dad.
For that I am grateful....
Shelly
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Spring Break: Evidence of Change
This is my second spring break to spend alone without my kids and without Brian. Last year was nice in some ways but also very difficult because it was the first time for me to be alone in the house without Brian and without kids. It was more of chore to make it through that first spring break. I stayed really busy and tried to get lots of things accomplished and checked off my list. The busyness kept me from being still too long to realize how lonely I was.
Fast forward to this week. I have really, truly enjoyed my time alone. Last night I ate dinner in the living room on the floor while I watched American Idol (now that is living...ha!). I have accomplished some things but haven't felt the need to keep myself overly busy.
This week has given me a little bit of hope for the future. Someday these kids really will grow up and be gone. And, I think I will be ok when I am alone. I think I might even have some fun.
No, I am not wishing that they were grown and gone. I am just realizing that this life of mine will not always be as it is today. It should be getting a little bit easier every day....the days of running myself ragged will not last forever. And, I need to enjoy this time with the kids as much as I can....
Tomorrow....I put the mom hat back on....I am ready....it has been nice...I feel a little bit more rested...and a little bit more hopeful....and I think that once again I can see a little bit of evidence of change in the grief process...for that I am grateful.
From Dr. James Dobson's book, "In the Arms of God".....
"Our task is not to decipher exactly how all of life's pieces fit and what it all means, but to remain faithful and obedient to Him who knows all mysteries".
Fast forward to this week. I have really, truly enjoyed my time alone. Last night I ate dinner in the living room on the floor while I watched American Idol (now that is living...ha!). I have accomplished some things but haven't felt the need to keep myself overly busy.
This week has given me a little bit of hope for the future. Someday these kids really will grow up and be gone. And, I think I will be ok when I am alone. I think I might even have some fun.
No, I am not wishing that they were grown and gone. I am just realizing that this life of mine will not always be as it is today. It should be getting a little bit easier every day....the days of running myself ragged will not last forever. And, I need to enjoy this time with the kids as much as I can....
Tomorrow....I put the mom hat back on....I am ready....it has been nice...I feel a little bit more rested...and a little bit more hopeful....and I think that once again I can see a little bit of evidence of change in the grief process...for that I am grateful.
From Dr. James Dobson's book, "In the Arms of God".....
"Our task is not to decipher exactly how all of life's pieces fit and what it all means, but to remain faithful and obedient to Him who knows all mysteries".
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Free at Last!
Spring break is here and that meant that today I met my mom in Oklahoma and let her take my three sweet angels to spend the week with her and my dad. Free at last....free at last....
I used to dread being home by myself....now, I drink up the silence....I crave the quiet moments....
I am sure the quiet will get old within a couple of days....and if it doesn't get old...then I will have the "mom guilt".....but for now:
Here's to a whole week of only having to bathe and wipe myself.....and I get to do those two things alone....no interruptions....
Here's to a whole week of waking up on my own....without the aid of my precious three year old......
Here's to a whole week without cleaning up and picking up all the "experiments" Braden leaves for me to discover....
Here's to a whole week without having to referee the squabbles my kids get into....
Here's to a whole week without "SpongeBob Squarepants" or "Full House"....I can watch whatever I want....whenever I want...
Here's to a whole week of being able to go anywhere I want...any time I want...no coordinating schedules or trying to squeeze in a trip to the grocery store on my lunch hour so I don't have to take the kids.....heck, I can go to Wal-Mart at midnight if I want....NOT!
Ahhhhhhhhhh...I think it is going to be a good week.....some time to rest...some time to relax...
And then....I will want them back....
I used to dread being home by myself....now, I drink up the silence....I crave the quiet moments....
I am sure the quiet will get old within a couple of days....and if it doesn't get old...then I will have the "mom guilt".....but for now:
Here's to a whole week of only having to bathe and wipe myself.....and I get to do those two things alone....no interruptions....
Here's to a whole week of waking up on my own....without the aid of my precious three year old......
Here's to a whole week without cleaning up and picking up all the "experiments" Braden leaves for me to discover....
Here's to a whole week without having to referee the squabbles my kids get into....
Here's to a whole week without "SpongeBob Squarepants" or "Full House"....I can watch whatever I want....whenever I want...
Here's to a whole week of being able to go anywhere I want...any time I want...no coordinating schedules or trying to squeeze in a trip to the grocery store on my lunch hour so I don't have to take the kids.....heck, I can go to Wal-Mart at midnight if I want....NOT!
Ahhhhhhhhhh...I think it is going to be a good week.....some time to rest...some time to relax...
And then....I will want them back....
Friday, March 09, 2007
Alone with my grief...post two
In my last post I talked about being "alone" with my grief. I was trying to put into words the feelings that had accompanied some of the grief work I had done (writing the letter to Brian). I think maybe I now understand better what was going on with me.
Although I didn't understand it at the time, the letter to Brian was a huge milestone in the grief process. It provided some closure that I didn't even realize how desparately I needed. I wrote the letter because I got to a point where I knew I had to let go of some of the emotions I had been holding in since he died. It was like the emotional pressure inside of me became unbearable. I had to let some of it out. I had to let some of it go.
So I did. And then when I did....when I told him good-bye, I felt more alone than ever before. He was really gone. And it hurt. And I have been emotionally on edge ever since. At first there was a big sense of relief. Then came the "aloneness". It isn't a "physical aloneness"...I have been dealing with that reality since the day he died. I am talking about an emotional aloneness....it's like it finally sunk in that I really am no longer married...and I am realizing that It is impossible to be in love with someone who is dead....and not only that....I now understand that I can't rebuild my life unless I accept that it is not healthy for me to keep trying to be emotionally married to Brian....maybe part of the healing includes reclaiming the emotional part of me that was married to Brian. I have a life to rebuild... I have to do it alone....and it sucks!
The weird thing is that I now find myself thinking about him less. I feel disconnected from him in a way that is hard to describe. I really, truly do not feel married anymore...I just feel alone. How does that happen? I don't get it. I still love him and will always cherish the memory of our life together. I just don't feel as connected to him any more....and that makes me sad....and that makes me feel extremely alone, vulnerable and even insecure.....
I am not sure anyone will understand this post. I am not sure I understand it. I just know that some things in my emotional world have changed pretty significantly....and I am trying to work through it....
Although I didn't understand it at the time, the letter to Brian was a huge milestone in the grief process. It provided some closure that I didn't even realize how desparately I needed. I wrote the letter because I got to a point where I knew I had to let go of some of the emotions I had been holding in since he died. It was like the emotional pressure inside of me became unbearable. I had to let some of it out. I had to let some of it go.
So I did. And then when I did....when I told him good-bye, I felt more alone than ever before. He was really gone. And it hurt. And I have been emotionally on edge ever since. At first there was a big sense of relief. Then came the "aloneness". It isn't a "physical aloneness"...I have been dealing with that reality since the day he died. I am talking about an emotional aloneness....it's like it finally sunk in that I really am no longer married...and I am realizing that It is impossible to be in love with someone who is dead....and not only that....I now understand that I can't rebuild my life unless I accept that it is not healthy for me to keep trying to be emotionally married to Brian....maybe part of the healing includes reclaiming the emotional part of me that was married to Brian. I have a life to rebuild... I have to do it alone....and it sucks!
The weird thing is that I now find myself thinking about him less. I feel disconnected from him in a way that is hard to describe. I really, truly do not feel married anymore...I just feel alone. How does that happen? I don't get it. I still love him and will always cherish the memory of our life together. I just don't feel as connected to him any more....and that makes me sad....and that makes me feel extremely alone, vulnerable and even insecure.....
I am not sure anyone will understand this post. I am not sure I understand it. I just know that some things in my emotional world have changed pretty significantly....and I am trying to work through it....
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