Lexi's Big Decision

Lexi wrote this prayer last Thursday. I've saved it and plan to make sure it is kept in a safe place for a very long time. She had been moving towards this decision for a couple of years. Off and on she would bring it up and want to talk about it. At family camp we had a chance to have a nice long talk about it. I knew she was really close. Last week she insisted she was "ready". Nathan, Lexi and I kneeled in my bedroom as she read the prayer.

I'll never forget that moment. I'm thankful I got to be a part of it.

God has great things for Lexi, I can't wait to see her grow and mature in her faith.

For the opportunity to witness her decision, I am eternally grateful!

Unconditional Trust

My trust in God is far too conditional.  As long as things are going well, it is easy for me to trust God.  Or, if the stakes aren't too high I tend to be very trusting in God and His provision.

This past week I have been on the "worry-coaster".  I've allowed difficult issues in my life to eat away at my trust in God.  I'm worried about my commercial building and whether my tenant will renew this week.  I've crunched numbers several times to see how much of an impact it will have on me financially.  I've imagined what that will be like and tried to brainstorm ways to make up for the lost income.  I've been distracted emotionally by it and have noticed my mood has been horrible.  Where is my trust in the God who has been with me and my children for the past four years?

God has been faithful to me.  I have no reason not to trust Him now.

Yet, if I am honest, I really struggle with trusting God unconditionally.

I take on responsibility that isn't mine to claim.

What an insult that must be to God...for little old me to act as if God may not be able to get me through this potential bump in the road.  

God, I want to trust you unconditionally.  Forgive me for focusing on "things" and not on your provision.  You have been so good to me.  I'm truly blessed by your presence in my life...May that always be enough!

Wow! What an opportunity!

I'm pretty much speechless.

God has blessed us with an opportunity to minister to young families at a level that is beyond what we could have ever done on our own.

I've been on this ride for about a year now...exploring an opportunity that seemed interesting and intriguing....but never sure it would actually happen.  

One of our church members with a passion for community ministries introduced me to this grant opportunity.  She helped me formulate the grant and gave me some guidance that was incredibly helpful.  This was my first attempt at anything like this so I know her expertise played a huge role in us being selected for the grant.

Today, I got a call that still seems almost too good to be true.

We have been selected to participate in an opportunity to create a system of care for our community that specifically addresses the needs of children (ages zero to six) and their families.  Not only that, we will be given up to 350,000.00 to do it.  Incredible!

I'm excited to be a part of it....amazed that the grant I wrote was actually chosen....and thrilled at the prospects of being a leader in our community in addressing the needs of preschoolers and their families.

There are lots of details to flesh out...

What an opportunity....can't wait to see how it all develops....

Grateful to be a part of it....

God has sure been fun to watch......

Wondering what God is up to...

I've been reminded that God is always up to something in this world. Sometimes, I get to see Him work and it is obvious, clear and somewhat predictable. Other times, He surprises me with His goodness and creativity.

I'm watching Him work right now....wondering what exactly He is up to....

Anxious to find out.....

Grateful for the bigness of God!

Not sure what to say....

I'm still trying to process the past few days. Since my last post God has brought some clarity to my life, to my thoughts and to my heart. I'm thankful for that, really thankful. I suppose one of the benefits of blogging is that you can trace God's work in your life. I can look back and read my blog and see how God has walked me through some difficult and discouraging days.

We just got back from family camp. It's hard to put into words all God showed me and taught me. He didn't necessarily answer all my questions but He did provide clarity. For me, clarity comes when I allow myself to be vulnerable with God. He always has a way of meeting me where I am at and gently nudging me forward.

I've never been prouder of my kids than I was these past few days. I saw them do things I never thought they would do. They pushed themselves farther than I expected. It was a high water mark for me as a parent to see them excel and get out of their comfort zones. I was definitely out of my comfort zone. We didn't know anyone there. There were a few single parent families but the overwhelming majority were in tact families. It honestly didn't bother me all that much. I'd be lying if I said I didnt' think about it and wish things were different. But, overall, I was just proud of my family, proud of how we've grown and changed and thankful to be there.

Perhaps one of the highlights for me was the day we did the zip line together. My nephew joined us and so it was me, Nathan, Lexi and Blake. To keep the story short, we all made it up to the top and Blake froze. He was white as a ghost and tears were streaming down his face. He was terrified. I took charge and told the kids on the count of three we would all jump off, hoping he would follow. We counted to three....and three of us jumped off and Blake couldn't do it. We got down to the bottom and he struggled for quite a while. We were all trying to encourage him to jmp off but it wasn't working. Nathan decides to yell up to him and this is what he says...."Blake, conquer your fear! You can do it!"

Wow...I was impressed.....Nathan has learnd what it means to conquer your fears...and it was so cool to hear him shout that to Blake. Unfortunately, Blake wasn't able to do it and got lowered down. Regardless, it was a moment I will never forget.

I love my kids. I love that I get to do life with them.

My heart is full....and I am so grateful for God's work in my life and in my family's life....

Doing a lot of praying....

God impressed on me some truths in my Bible reading time today. I'm thankful for the reminders that come from Scripture. I wish I didn't need the reminders....you'd think some of the struggles that I have would be old hat by now...but they aren't.

I'm praying for my kids.....alot. We head to family camp tomorrow and I am praying God will continue to draw them to Himself. I see evidence of His work in their lives and I am praying we will all feel the undeniable presence and voice of God.

If I could have a wish list of things I'd like God to speak to me and my kids about it would be....
*I wish He would give me affirmation that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing....where I am supposed to be doing it....or He would make it abundantly clear that there is another door about to be opened....and then I pray He would give me courage to walk through it....wherever it might be.
*I wish my kids would respond to God in the way God has planned. I know Nathan and Lexi are close to making spiritual decisions. I pray He will speak to them and give them courage.
*I wish God would give me wisdom and confidence to continue to grow forward. I feel pretty beat down right now by circumstances and relationships in my life.
*I wish God would quiet my mind.....and speak to me in a way that is undeniably His voice...I need to hear from Him.....
*I wish God would show me how to move forward...away from the hurt and disappointment that comes from earthly relationships.


There are so many incredible things going on in my life.....so many potential opportunities....and yet, never have I felt so uncertain and perplexed....and to some extent, alone. The cynical side of me wants to give up and quit.....or at least wonders why I bother...


So, I'm doing a lot of praying.....and I know God will answer....He just hasn't spoken yet.....

I'm so looking forward to being with my kids at camp over the next few days.....expecting big things of God. I'm also praying it won't be too awkward or hard to be a single parent at a family camp. I'm asking God to give me confidence about myself instead of feeling out of place. I now realize that many people feel sorry for me and the kids....the truth is, I feel sorry for them. It's really hard to watch some of the shallowness I see in families and couples and not feel extremely sorry for them....it's hard to listen to some of the stuff I hear on a regular basis....maybe that has something to do with my discouragement and disappointment lately....

For whatever reason, I'm fighting hard against discouragement.....God show yourself to me....I need to see you...I need to worship you....

For a God who answers our cries....I am grateful.....

What I miss...

As much as I would love to have Brian here, I know that will never happen....and so, it isn't him I miss (because what's that point of missing something I will never have?), it's the relationship I miss.

I miss being understood.....valued...cherished....loved.

I miss having someone to listen to my insecurities...

I miss unconditional love, respect and trust.

Even in the best of relationships, there are disappointments, misunderstandings, and hurt....but at least there is still love and the hope of the future of a life with someone who chose you....

I'm no longer chosen by anyone....and tonight, I feel lonely and insecure and sad about that.

Just keeping it real....

Life rolls on...

It has been a while since I wished I could tell Brian something. Today was one of those days. There are some things that have come to light that have helped give me perspective and made me wish he knew some things I now know. In some ways I'd like to apologize to him. He was dealing with someone in business that created some major problems and stress. At the time of his death I was pretty frustrated with how he was handling things with this person. I now realize what he was dealing with. It really doesn't matter to him I know...but it has given me some closure to why this particular situation was so difficult....just wish we could talk about it....

I recognize that life is rolling forward....relationships are changing and that is ok....I am changing and that is good....the only hard part about it is knowing how to create/develop new relationships to replace the ones that time has changed....it's the old "not sure where I fit" struggle...I suppose this is just another transition point....and I certainly don't want to do anything but move forward...and so I am...sometimes it's a little awkward and lonely, but we are moving forward.

I got my rent house occupied. I am thankful for that. I was able to raise the rent a little so that is a plus. I hear at the end of the month whether my commercial tenant will renew their lease. I'm not very optimistic. It's no secret that their business has suffered from the downturn. It could be a long process of finding a tenant or a buyer. I am trying to trust that things will work out...but I still worry about the financial burden it could become if it sits empty.

The kids and I go to family camp next week. I'm excited about getting away with them and praying God will teach us new things about Himself. I'm also interested to see how a camp designed specifically for families works. I've always believed that parents and their kids being together at camp is one of the most powerful experiences a family can have. Too many times kids go off to have an "experience" and come home to the same environment with parents who do little to support the things they learned at camp. So, I'm looking forward to what we will "experience" as a "family". I wouldn't trade being with my kids at camp for anything....having gone to camp with hundreds of kids, there is nothing like being able to go with your own kids...I'm thankful for the opportunity and look forward to see what God does in our family.