It's been a very busy, but pretty good month. My kids have schedules that are slow-paced in comparison to some kids, but for us it is challenging. We have added some things over the past few months and that seems to take its toll on us. I sometimes wonder how different life might be for my kids if Brian were here to be another taxi. The reality is that we can't do everything like some families can. Sometimes, I feel bad about that. Other times, I am grateful that our boundaries are more defined (out of necessity).

My paper is coming along nicely. It's due two weeks from today and I have written 24 out of 30 pages. I have learned a lot by writing this paper. I am thankful for the opportunity to make myself consider why I parent the way I parent. The topic of my paper is on overindulgence and entitlement in children. It's been incredibly eye-opening, thought provoking and somewhat life changing. As a result, I have made several adjustments in my own life and I am trying to reformulate some of how I parent. When I was agonizing over whether or not I should go back to school my main concern was the negative effect it might have on my kids. In retrospect, I believe it has had a positive impact because of all I have learned in relation to children, parenting, etc. I truly believe the growth that has occurred has served an importance purpose in my family's life. Yes, it gets stressful. Yes, I still hate statistics and I see no life-altering growth from that class....but the rest, has been fantastic.

There is still some pain and hurt that pops out of nowhere and usually catches me off-guard. I realized last week that there are parts of my grief that I have chosen to openly and deliberately work through. There are also, however, some wounds that I refuse to allow to be reopened. I don't think it is denial or a lack of grieving. I think there is just some small parts of my experience with Brian's death that I can choose to leave unfinished. I may feel differently someday, but for now, I choose not to put myself in a position where someone can rip open the wounds. I became aware of this when I had a strangely emotionally charged response to a request from Brian's friend (who was in the accident with Brian) to have dinner with he and his family. It was as if I was thrown back three years. I didn't want to go and I was angry that they would out of the blue ask me to spend time with them when they hadn't so much as called in at least 2 years. I still don't understand why I had such an emotional response, but I no longer feel guilty for choosing not to allow them back into my life. I don't resent them or anything like that....they just aren't "safe" and tend to be very unpredictable. Do I wish that we had a good relationship? Yes. Do I realize that probably isn't ever going to be possible? Yes. I wish them only the best for their life. I've just been hurt by some of their actions and refuse to allow them any more opportunity to hurt me. And, truth be told, they are completely clueless that anything they have ever done has been hurtful....it hasn't been intentional....but it has been painful....and I don't need that.

And so it goes.......