How do you spell relief? M-e-e-M-a-w

Mom (a.k.a. MeeMaw) arrived today!  Woohoo!  It's so nice to have a second hand around.  We made dinner together, ate dinner together and cleaned it up together.  She distracted Braden when I needed him to be distracted...and made cookies with the older kids this evening.  What more could I ask for?

We love MeeMaw.....yes, we do.

I haven't had Dr. Pepper in about 10 days.  I am drinking more water and my appetite has increased.  Dr. Pepper served as an appetite suppressant for me...strange, I know....but without it, I am hungry all the time.  I am eating fruits and veggies and I am so proud!  I really haven't been taking very good care of myself for a while.....it's been survival mode for so long....and I am glad that I have turned the corner on making some changes.  I'm the only person I know who actually gains weight when they go off Dr. Pepper and even consistent exercise tends to add a few pounds....but healthy pounds are better than an unhealthy lifestyle.

I have been pretty emotional lately....I have gone to bed crying several nights in the past week.  I'm not sure exactly what is going on, but I seem to be having a tough time right now.  VBS is almost here and it seems to be stirring up lots of issues for me.  I really thought this year would be different since we are doing it in August.  I know it will be better/easier but the anticipation of it all is harder than I thought....it's like everything comes flashing back and I can't control all of it....I am not falling apart and I don't anticipate a huge meltdown...I'm just struggling right now...and hoping it will ease up....

Yeah!  MeeMaw is here!

Five Days later....

Well, I am still Dr. Pepper free after five days....today is the first day that I have felt pretty decent.  I only took two tylenol all day!  I think the worst is over.  Yipee!!

Sometimes my blog is thoughtful (and maybe deep?) and sometimes my blog is more of a journal.  This post falls into the category of "journaling".  I just wanted to take note of a few things that happened this week or thoughts that I had.

On Thursday my mystery housekeeper arrived before I went to work.  She told me that she was here to do "whatever I needed help with and was to stay as long as I needed her to stay".  I was caught off guard by her desire to do whatever I might need.  I was humbled by her serving spirit.  I felt so undeserving of her help.  I found myself fighting back tears on the way to work thinking about how God has been so good to me during the past three years.  His love has been extravagant....and I shouldn't be surprised by that, but I am.  For some reason it's hard for me to accept extravagant love.  I don't feel worthy of it.  It makes me feel guilty.  Nonetheless, God's love is extravagant and I am learning that sometimes He uses other people to show us that extravagant love.  This particular experience is one of many that is the flipside of tragedy.  I have seen a side to God's love (through His people) that many have never seen.  How could I ever deny His love and care for us?

Tonight I watched "College Road Trip" with the kids.  I was drawn into the part of the movie where the parents are telling their daughter good-bye as she starts college.  I remember when I went off to college.  I wouldn't let my parents drive me there and help me unpack.  Looking back, I now understand it was because I hate "good-bye".  I will avoid telling someone goodbye if it means I might get emotional.  I didn't want to get upset when my parents left so I just told them I didn't need them to help me.  Looking back, that was so stupid.  I am sure they were hurt by it,  although I don't remember them being upset about it.  

I never said good-bye to Brian either.  I was given the opportunity to do so at the hospital and then at the funeral home.  I chose not to.  I don't regret that choice.  But, tonight, I saw the pattern in my life in a new light.  However, there is a part of me that is grateful that I didn't have to say a long good-bye.  Is that selfish?  Is that immature?  I don't know.  Maybe.  I just don't know that I could have handled having to say good-bye to him, in the flesh.  

I've said good-bye to Brian in the only way I know how.  I believe that business is finished.

However, it still hurts to think about what that would have been like.  And, though it would have been the hardest thing I ever did....if he had been alive when he arrived at the hospital, I would have gone to him the hospital and I would have said good-bye.....I know I would.  I am just glad I didn't have to.  And....given the circumstances and the condition he was in, I think he is probably glad we didn't have to say good-bye too.

 

My buffer is still missing....

One of the things that I really miss is having someone to be my buffer. Someone to listen to me vent and provide perspective when I need it. Brian served that purpose so well. I've written before that this is one of those difficult things. I am trying to learn to adjust to life without a buffer.

Unfortunately, without a buffer, I sometimes over-react.

I am finding that I say more what is on my mind than I used to when Brian was here. I don't hold back sometimes when I really should let things go.

I also find it more challenging to be flexible. I don't like surprises or last minute assignments. In some ways, that has helped me be more proactive and planned. In other ways, my frustration level rises more quickly than it should.

It is hard to try to balance yourself out......how does God, or anyone else for that matter, expect me to keep my thoughts and actions balanced when I am trying to do it all on my own? I am not trying to excuse my behavior. I am just trying to figure out how I can adapt and adjust myself when there is no spouse to point out my blind spots.

I guess I am struggling right now to find balance in my life.......and it is during these times that I feel alone.....

What I wouldn't give to have someone to come home to......

Letters from Brian...

Braden brought me a handful of letters this afternoon that he found in the filing cabinet in the closet in his room.  The letters were from Brian...I read through them and felt a sense of peace and comfort.  They didn't make me cry....they made me smile.  Some of them were pretty sappy.....but they were his words and its nice to have some of "his words" to remember the love he had for me.

I picked out a few of them to share.....

One of them was on a large sheet of paper and I remember that he put this note on my windshielf for me to find:

"I Love You!!!!  (in big letters)

You are the most wonderful woman that I have ever known; things will be great as long as our love grows.

Brian"

Another one....on a card that he sent me....while we were still dating....

"You are the most wonderful thing that has happened to me!  There is nothing in the world that could ever take your place or anything that I could love more.  Even through the rough times when I feel discouraged or ready to throw in the towel; Deep down I know that there is no one else that would ever mean as much to me than you do.  No matter what obstacles come before us we will prevail, as long as we conquer them together.  

You're the greatest!  I love you!

Brian"

And one more...this one speaks to me....

"Some people are basically strong and can handle misfortune or a loss of direction in their lives more easily than others; you are one of them.  Though your strength may be tested these days.  But, if you remember each day and draw upon the well of hope within your heart, I know you will see this through.  And, when it's hard to hold on, remember, too, that many thoughts and prayers go with you from me and that I love you very, very, very much.....Brian"

Words are powerful....especially when they are from loved ones.  There is just something about having someone's written words to read and remember...

I was reminded today how important it is leave a written legacy of love for those we love.....I guess that is part of why I write this blog....I am trying to leave a written legacy of love for my kids....so that, someday when I'm gone (a very long time from now) they will know how much I loved them, how much their dad loved them and me, and how we did our best to work through our family tragedy.

Lots to process....

It's been a wild couple of weeks.  We have been incredibly busy and have had some amazingly fun times.  Nathan survived his first camp experience and I learned it is WAY more fun to be a counselor than it is to be a camp director.  I was proud of Nathan but a little concerned that I am not so sure he used very good hygiene while at camp....what is it with boys?

We spent the fourth of July at my parents lake house.  We got pulled around on an innertube, shot fireworks, ate YUMMY food, and had some interesting conversations.  For some reason, this particular trip reminded me of the summer that Brian died.  We spent quite a bit of time at the lakehouse right after he died.  I was reminded of a lot of the feelings and issues that were so overwhelming during that time.

My dad and I had a couple of discussions that I am still trying to process.  We were sitting in the porch swing on the balcony of their home looking at the water and all the activity going on in the water.  He began the conversation talking about a business issue he was dealing with and how he felt God had worked through it and how thankful he was that things were working out well.  He then jumped to Brian's death.  Again, as he has done in the past, he told me that he is still struggling with Brian's death.  He doesn't understand why it happened.... And then the more he talked the more I began to struggle emotionally.    It caught me off guard that I was having to fight back the tears.  

Then, he said something new to me that I haven't heard him say before.  He said, "Every time I come to Texas it hurts.  It still hurts and every time I come see you I am reminded of what I saw when I went to Brian's truck after the accident.  I wish I had never gone to see his truck.  I am so glad that you never saw his truck.  I can't get that picture out of my mind.  It still hurts.  I wish I had never seen it."

Whoooosh....out of nowhere the hurt almost overwhelms me....

I don't know how to deal with those kind of statements.  It hurts me that my dad is still struggling but it also just brings those raw emotions to the surface.  Three years later and it still hurts to talk about it....maybe its because I never realized how it impacted my dad...

My parents and I have never really talked a lot about how difficult it was to go through that experience together.  I've often wondered what that five hour ride to Texas was like after they found out the news.  I can't imagine how challenging it was for them to be so involved in our lives that year.  I am not sure why we haven't really talked about it....except that maybe it is just so hard for them still....I got a glimpse of that today when my dad was talking to me....he wasn't talking "at" me...he was exposing some of his pain and struggle and it hit me in a sore spot...

I think I have tended to focus solely on how Brian's death has impacted "me".  I am beginning to understand now that I wasn't the only one affected by it.  I guess that's proof that grief can be a very selfish experience.  I tended to think only of how "I" was dealing with things....and that was enough to keep me overwhelmed.  

The other conversation that caught me off guard was actually a bad reaction that I had to something my dad said.  I was trying to get the kids ready to leave for the four hour roadtrip home and my dad made some mention of all that "we" had to do.  By "we" he meant my mom and himself.  They did have a lot to do to close up the house but the way he was going on and on about it just hit me wrong.  In not one of my finer moments I said "there is no "we", it's just "me"...all "me" and I have to get in the car and drive four hours by myself....and unload by myself....there is no we"  

Where did that come from?  I was angry when I said it....really angry.

I'm not an angry person.....and I don't usually snap at my parents.

Sometimes I feel so proud of how I am handling things....and then sometimes I just want to slap people for whining about things that seem like luxuries to me....I wish I had a "we" to help me....I wish I didn't always get the worst sleeping accommodations because there is only "one" of me and there are "two" of each of my siblings....I wish.....I could go on and on and on....

The point of this post????  It's still difficult sometimes....as much as I would like to think that I will eventually be emotionless about Brian's death, I realized today that will likely never happen.....and I guess I am a little confused about why I jumped down my dad's throat over something as simple as his long list of things they had to get done....