More Reflections...

I realized last night (after I wrote the last post) that there were several reasons why that class meeting was so tortuous for me.  I went into the class expecting to learn more about how these counselors dealt with people in the midst of crisis in their life.  I was particularly interested in how religion or spirituality plays into the whole picture.  The book did a great job of providing some jumping off points for our discussion.  Our class got sidetracked and never really dealt with the subject I was so desperately wanting to learn more about.

It was frustrating because I have lived through a crisis of not only my personal life but also a crisis of my own spiritual orientation.  Both were equally difficult (and continue to be) to work through.  Learning how to function as a "single" person and as a "single" parent has been an overwhelming task.  Coupled with that has been a total rework of my theological and spiritual orientation.  

To be sure, I am still trying to better understand God.  I don't understand how He works.  I just know that He is God and I am not.  It's not that I haven't tried to understand Him.  I have worked really, really hard at trying to figure out what is knowable.  By God's grace, I have had some helping working through some of these spiritual struggles.  I don't believe I could have come as far as I have come without the help of my counselor and the support of my friends and family.

So, I know how crucial it is for a person in crisis to find someone who can come alongside her and help her work through the really tough, mind-numbing issues.  Truth be told, someday, I want to be that type of counselor.  I was hoping this class would push me further in that direction of competence.

Instead, I walked out of there thanking God that I had someone besides one of them (the professor included) to help me.  

The other frustration is that I don't realize how I feel about a situation until it is over and there is nothing I can do about it.  Yes, I wanted to try to interrupt their petty arguments and get the class back on track.  No, I didn't do that.  Why?  I'm not the professor and I haven't earned the right to do that yet.  I have thought about some ways I could have participated a little more effectively.  Hopefully, given the chance, I will step up to the plate and make waves if need be.

And, if I am completely honest, I guess I was pretty disappointed in the way the professor allowed such garbage to go on and on and on.  I think she saw students interacting with each other and mistook that as significant discussion....just because you have 3-4 PhD students bantering at each other doesn't mean it is helpful or useful....sometimes its just a lot of hot air....

So, now that I have completely beat this horse to death...I promise never to write about it again...

First Negative Experience

Last night I had a meeting for a class I am taking this summer.  The class is "Psychology of Religion".  The book that we discussed focused on how religion affects our coping abilities in crisis situations.  I loved the book.  Highlighted and underlined a ton of stuff.  I completed the entire book (500+ pages).  I was looking forward to hearing from the twelve other people in my class.

Instead of focusing on what the book was actually about, we chased rabbits all night.  The biggest rabbit that they hunted was whether they would counsel a person from the religion orientation of buddhism.  Would they continue to see the person or refer out if they had no religious  connection to work from?  Frankly, I could care less if the person is buddhist or atheist.  If they are in a crisis, the last thing they need is for someone to compare religious viewpoints to see if they mesh.

I was frustrated with the arrogance of a few people.  Since when do we make conditions on whether we will help people through a crisis?  I wanted to ask, "what do you think Jesus would do?" if a buddhist was in crisis? I can not for the life of me understand where some of the people were coming from.  There was a huge need for some of the people to be "right" and by golly they were going to be "right" if it took all night to argue their point.

I really did not feel like I fit in last night.  I still enjoyed the learning process and it helped me focus some of my thoughts and beliefs, but I am having serious doubts about whether I want to minor in psychology and counseling.  It was pure torture last night.  

Having said all of that, I still love learning.  I love being challenged to think and grow.  I gained a lot by reading this book because it hit so close to home.  I saw myself in the book and it shed some light on my own experience.....for that I am grateful.

How do you spell relief? M-e-e-M-a-w

Mom (a.k.a. MeeMaw) arrived today!  Woohoo!  It's so nice to have a second hand around.  We made dinner together, ate dinner together and cleaned it up together.  She distracted Braden when I needed him to be distracted...and made cookies with the older kids this evening.  What more could I ask for?

We love MeeMaw.....yes, we do.

I haven't had Dr. Pepper in about 10 days.  I am drinking more water and my appetite has increased.  Dr. Pepper served as an appetite suppressant for me...strange, I know....but without it, I am hungry all the time.  I am eating fruits and veggies and I am so proud!  I really haven't been taking very good care of myself for a while.....it's been survival mode for so long....and I am glad that I have turned the corner on making some changes.  I'm the only person I know who actually gains weight when they go off Dr. Pepper and even consistent exercise tends to add a few pounds....but healthy pounds are better than an unhealthy lifestyle.

I have been pretty emotional lately....I have gone to bed crying several nights in the past week.  I'm not sure exactly what is going on, but I seem to be having a tough time right now.  VBS is almost here and it seems to be stirring up lots of issues for me.  I really thought this year would be different since we are doing it in August.  I know it will be better/easier but the anticipation of it all is harder than I thought....it's like everything comes flashing back and I can't control all of it....I am not falling apart and I don't anticipate a huge meltdown...I'm just struggling right now...and hoping it will ease up....

Yeah!  MeeMaw is here!

I miss the relationship

I miss the relationship I had with Brian.  This is one of those times when I just miss having someone who knows me inside and out....someone who will listen to all my fears, frustrations, insecurities, victories, losses, etc.....someone who provides perspective and insight.....

As weird as it may sound, I miss the relationship more than I miss Brian.  I have come to terms with the fact that I can't have a relationship with someone who is no longer here.  What's difficult to come to terms with now is that I may never have another relationship like that again.  I may never get to experience that type of relationship again...and I miss that...and I hate that....and some days, it just depresses me....

Five Days later....

Well, I am still Dr. Pepper free after five days....today is the first day that I have felt pretty decent.  I only took two tylenol all day!  I think the worst is over.  Yipee!!

Sometimes my blog is thoughtful (and maybe deep?) and sometimes my blog is more of a journal.  This post falls into the category of "journaling".  I just wanted to take note of a few things that happened this week or thoughts that I had.

On Thursday my mystery housekeeper arrived before I went to work.  She told me that she was here to do "whatever I needed help with and was to stay as long as I needed her to stay".  I was caught off guard by her desire to do whatever I might need.  I was humbled by her serving spirit.  I felt so undeserving of her help.  I found myself fighting back tears on the way to work thinking about how God has been so good to me during the past three years.  His love has been extravagant....and I shouldn't be surprised by that, but I am.  For some reason it's hard for me to accept extravagant love.  I don't feel worthy of it.  It makes me feel guilty.  Nonetheless, God's love is extravagant and I am learning that sometimes He uses other people to show us that extravagant love.  This particular experience is one of many that is the flipside of tragedy.  I have seen a side to God's love (through His people) that many have never seen.  How could I ever deny His love and care for us?

Tonight I watched "College Road Trip" with the kids.  I was drawn into the part of the movie where the parents are telling their daughter good-bye as she starts college.  I remember when I went off to college.  I wouldn't let my parents drive me there and help me unpack.  Looking back, I now understand it was because I hate "good-bye".  I will avoid telling someone goodbye if it means I might get emotional.  I didn't want to get upset when my parents left so I just told them I didn't need them to help me.  Looking back, that was so stupid.  I am sure they were hurt by it,  although I don't remember them being upset about it.  

I never said good-bye to Brian either.  I was given the opportunity to do so at the hospital and then at the funeral home.  I chose not to.  I don't regret that choice.  But, tonight, I saw the pattern in my life in a new light.  However, there is a part of me that is grateful that I didn't have to say a long good-bye.  Is that selfish?  Is that immature?  I don't know.  Maybe.  I just don't know that I could have handled having to say good-bye to him, in the flesh.  

I've said good-bye to Brian in the only way I know how.  I believe that business is finished.

However, it still hurts to think about what that would have been like.  And, though it would have been the hardest thing I ever did....if he had been alive when he arrived at the hospital, I would have gone to him the hospital and I would have said good-bye.....I know I would.  I am just glad I didn't have to.  And....given the circumstances and the condition he was in, I think he is probably glad we didn't have to say good-bye too.

 

Trying to make some changes....

Well, it has now been about 28 hours since I last had a Dr. Pepper. My head hurts and I am grumpy. After Brian died, I got into some bad habits with my health. I am trying to work on those. Long story short, I drank lots of caffeine in the morning to get me going...and then I took Benadryl at night to put me to sleep. I have been thinking for a while that it was time to start taking better care of myself. I guess today was as good a day as any to start.

The impetus was a conversation yesterday at staff meeting. Someone asked me how many Dr. Peppers I drink a day....and, well, too many.

So, here I am...making one small big change...we'll see how it goes.

I suppose it will get much worse before it gets better....but I am ready to give it my best shot.


This morning I read Proverbs and it reminded me that controlling our tongue is a God thing...and I need to work on that....the things that I say that are not honoring God usually center around my own insecurities or frustrations. I miss having that one person in my life who completely believed in me...I lost some confidence when Brian died....

I finished watching "The Bucket List" tonight (it took me 3 nights to get it watched). I downloaded it onto my IPod and watched it and decided I was finally cool (because I learned how to download a movie off Itunes onto my Ipod). It was a good movie and it had a lot of powerful quotes in it. I am not sure what would be on my bucket list.....I may write a post about that....I don't like to think about dying. As a matter of fact, I think I have sort of adopted an invincible attitude. I (incorrectly) figure that I am safe for a long time because God wouldn't take me from my kids too. Yet, I find it difficult to take any kind of physical risks (dangerous things or being too far away from my kids-geographically). At some point, it will have to be ok to go out of the country or do something a little risky....right now, it isn't.

So....in my caffeine withdrawal state....I will now go crash into the bed and hope the headache isn't too bad in the morning....

My buffer is still missing....

One of the things that I really miss is having someone to be my buffer. Someone to listen to me vent and provide perspective when I need it. Brian served that purpose so well. I've written before that this is one of those difficult things. I am trying to learn to adjust to life without a buffer.

Unfortunately, without a buffer, I sometimes over-react.

I am finding that I say more what is on my mind than I used to when Brian was here. I don't hold back sometimes when I really should let things go.

I also find it more challenging to be flexible. I don't like surprises or last minute assignments. In some ways, that has helped me be more proactive and planned. In other ways, my frustration level rises more quickly than it should.

It is hard to try to balance yourself out......how does God, or anyone else for that matter, expect me to keep my thoughts and actions balanced when I am trying to do it all on my own? I am not trying to excuse my behavior. I am just trying to figure out how I can adapt and adjust myself when there is no spouse to point out my blind spots.

I guess I am struggling right now to find balance in my life.......and it is during these times that I feel alone.....

What I wouldn't give to have someone to come home to......

My new favorite song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAxLTUt_qzg

Letters from Brian...

Braden brought me a handful of letters this afternoon that he found in the filing cabinet in the closet in his room.  The letters were from Brian...I read through them and felt a sense of peace and comfort.  They didn't make me cry....they made me smile.  Some of them were pretty sappy.....but they were his words and its nice to have some of "his words" to remember the love he had for me.

I picked out a few of them to share.....

One of them was on a large sheet of paper and I remember that he put this note on my windshielf for me to find:

"I Love You!!!!  (in big letters)

You are the most wonderful woman that I have ever known; things will be great as long as our love grows.

Brian"

Another one....on a card that he sent me....while we were still dating....

"You are the most wonderful thing that has happened to me!  There is nothing in the world that could ever take your place or anything that I could love more.  Even through the rough times when I feel discouraged or ready to throw in the towel; Deep down I know that there is no one else that would ever mean as much to me than you do.  No matter what obstacles come before us we will prevail, as long as we conquer them together.  

You're the greatest!  I love you!

Brian"

And one more...this one speaks to me....

"Some people are basically strong and can handle misfortune or a loss of direction in their lives more easily than others; you are one of them.  Though your strength may be tested these days.  But, if you remember each day and draw upon the well of hope within your heart, I know you will see this through.  And, when it's hard to hold on, remember, too, that many thoughts and prayers go with you from me and that I love you very, very, very much.....Brian"

Words are powerful....especially when they are from loved ones.  There is just something about having someone's written words to read and remember...

I was reminded today how important it is leave a written legacy of love for those we love.....I guess that is part of why I write this blog....I am trying to leave a written legacy of love for my kids....so that, someday when I'm gone (a very long time from now) they will know how much I loved them, how much their dad loved them and me, and how we did our best to work through our family tragedy.

The Psychology of Religion and Coping

One of the many benefits of going back to school is that in the PhD program I am able to focus my studies on things that I am interested in.  There are some common courses that everyone has to take and that everyone dreads, but there is also a lot of freedom in areas of research.

This summer, I have been in a summer readings course on "The Psychology of Religion".  We started off reading some of Williams James original writings....blah!  It was a tough read and very mind-numbing.  There is some of his work that makes sense to me and I think is useful and helpful.  He focuses a lot on the personal side of religion and is very pragmatic about things of faith.  If it works, it's true.  I can't buy into most of his writings but I see some value in understanding his philosophy.

The second book has been a great read.  I am about halfway through it (500 pages total) and I have gained some tremendous insights.  This book hits close to home and it has kept my attention and caused me to really think about religion and coping.

One small snippet out of the book relates coping in terms of either being "conservational" or "transformational".   People who cope from a conservational standpoint focus on trying to keep that which was lost...to conserve....they can't let go....they won't let go....love equals loyalty and to let go implies a disregard for that which is valuable.  In terms of religion and coping, the individual hangs on to their faith for fear of what might happen if they let go of it.  They protect and conserve their religion at all costs.  For some, it means they never allow themselves the opportunity to rethink their faith or adjust their faith or redefine their faith.  They conserve it at all costs...even at the expense of moving forward.

On the other hand, coping can be transformational.  An individual who experiences a crisis may choose to allow himself and his faith/religion to be transformed through the experience.  This is not the typical first response to a crisis.  This is usually a point in the process of coping that occurs after some time has passed and personal growth has occurred.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that transformational coping is a healthier way to work through a crisis.

I apply this to my life in this way.  Initially, I used the conservational type of coping.  I wanted to protect what we had left of him.  His memory, his stuff, his wishes, etc.  I went to great lengths to conserve everything he would have wanted for us to recognize as good in his life.  I also made a decision early on not to abandon my faith.  I fought to stay in the same church, in the same job, in the same neighborhood because I believed I was conserving some of Brian and I thought that was what was best for the kids....for them to experience as little change as possible....to give them stability.  For about the first two and a half years I operated from this conservational stance.

About six to nine months ago I think I shifted into the transformational method of coping.  I am now working hard to allow this experience to transform me and my faith.  I heard a statement tonight that sums it up....."loss never leaves you where it found you".  I am not where I was the morning of June 16th, 2005.  This journey has taken me to a new place.  I don't want to be the Shelly that woke up on June 16, 2005 thinking I had everything I needed in life.  I'm not her anymore.  By God's grace, I am being transformed and my faith has undergone a transformation as well.

There is still much transforming that needs to be done.  The cool thing is that I am now at a place where I value transformation over conservation.  Bring it on.  I am ready to keep moving forward.  I want to grow forward.....

And, I think we are......

Lots to process....

It's been a wild couple of weeks.  We have been incredibly busy and have had some amazingly fun times.  Nathan survived his first camp experience and I learned it is WAY more fun to be a counselor than it is to be a camp director.  I was proud of Nathan but a little concerned that I am not so sure he used very good hygiene while at camp....what is it with boys?

We spent the fourth of July at my parents lake house.  We got pulled around on an innertube, shot fireworks, ate YUMMY food, and had some interesting conversations.  For some reason, this particular trip reminded me of the summer that Brian died.  We spent quite a bit of time at the lakehouse right after he died.  I was reminded of a lot of the feelings and issues that were so overwhelming during that time.

My dad and I had a couple of discussions that I am still trying to process.  We were sitting in the porch swing on the balcony of their home looking at the water and all the activity going on in the water.  He began the conversation talking about a business issue he was dealing with and how he felt God had worked through it and how thankful he was that things were working out well.  He then jumped to Brian's death.  Again, as he has done in the past, he told me that he is still struggling with Brian's death.  He doesn't understand why it happened.... And then the more he talked the more I began to struggle emotionally.    It caught me off guard that I was having to fight back the tears.  

Then, he said something new to me that I haven't heard him say before.  He said, "Every time I come to Texas it hurts.  It still hurts and every time I come see you I am reminded of what I saw when I went to Brian's truck after the accident.  I wish I had never gone to see his truck.  I am so glad that you never saw his truck.  I can't get that picture out of my mind.  It still hurts.  I wish I had never seen it."

Whoooosh....out of nowhere the hurt almost overwhelms me....

I don't know how to deal with those kind of statements.  It hurts me that my dad is still struggling but it also just brings those raw emotions to the surface.  Three years later and it still hurts to talk about it....maybe its because I never realized how it impacted my dad...

My parents and I have never really talked a lot about how difficult it was to go through that experience together.  I've often wondered what that five hour ride to Texas was like after they found out the news.  I can't imagine how challenging it was for them to be so involved in our lives that year.  I am not sure why we haven't really talked about it....except that maybe it is just so hard for them still....I got a glimpse of that today when my dad was talking to me....he wasn't talking "at" me...he was exposing some of his pain and struggle and it hit me in a sore spot...

I think I have tended to focus solely on how Brian's death has impacted "me".  I am beginning to understand now that I wasn't the only one affected by it.  I guess that's proof that grief can be a very selfish experience.  I tended to think only of how "I" was dealing with things....and that was enough to keep me overwhelmed.  

The other conversation that caught me off guard was actually a bad reaction that I had to something my dad said.  I was trying to get the kids ready to leave for the four hour roadtrip home and my dad made some mention of all that "we" had to do.  By "we" he meant my mom and himself.  They did have a lot to do to close up the house but the way he was going on and on about it just hit me wrong.  In not one of my finer moments I said "there is no "we", it's just "me"...all "me" and I have to get in the car and drive four hours by myself....and unload by myself....there is no we"  

Where did that come from?  I was angry when I said it....really angry.

I'm not an angry person.....and I don't usually snap at my parents.

Sometimes I feel so proud of how I am handling things....and then sometimes I just want to slap people for whining about things that seem like luxuries to me....I wish I had a "we" to help me....I wish I didn't always get the worst sleeping accommodations because there is only "one" of me and there are "two" of each of my siblings....I wish.....I could go on and on and on....

The point of this post????  It's still difficult sometimes....as much as I would like to think that I will eventually be emotionless about Brian's death, I realized today that will likely never happen.....and I guess I am a little confused about why I jumped down my dad's throat over something as simple as his long list of things they had to get done....