Without a doubt I am moving forward and I am pretty jazzed about that fact. I am moving again. I am working towards some goals and trying to be open to how God wants to redefine my life.
Today, I had lunch with a fellow widow. She lost her husband two years ago, I lost Brian 2.5 years ago. There is an instant rapport with her. We get each other and I always enjoy talking with her. Unfortunately, time prohibits us from getting together very often. She is the mother of two boys and a hydrology engineer. One of the purposes of our lunch was to discuss the drainage issues I continue to have at my commercial property. At one point I looked at her and said "Brian must be laughing because never in a millon years did I ever dream I would be having lunch with a hydrology engineer talking about the way water flows down my property, topo maps, splash-over calculations, etc". And what is so funny is that it felt pretty natural to be in downtown Fort Worth talking about my options for drainage studies...all in a day's work I guess.
I suppose it has probably been six months since we last had lunch. I could see such growth in her life as I talked with her today. She is getting ready to close on some land and build a new home. She has dreams and is excited about building a house. I couldn't help but be totally enthused for her. I remember the lunches that we had before and how overwhelmed she was then. She's definitely different. I love that she has navigated some pretty rough waters. I admire her for that.
Towards the end of our lunch she asked me if I had been dating anyone. Again, this question always catches me off guard, even from a fellow widow. I think my response was that I didn't want to date, I just wanted to be married again someday. She and I had a good laugh about that one. She then went on to tell me that she had her first date this past weekend. Truly, I couldn't be more pleased that she is opening herself up to the possibility of finding love again.
Yet, I then wonder why it seems to be so easy for some to head down this path...it certainly hasn't even been an option for me. I did have an email stalker last month, but that doesn't count. An old guy from high school that I dated once or twice contacted me and asked if I would consider going out with him. Ah, no! Not interested. Not a viable option at all! Did it make me feel sort of good that someone would go to the trouble to find me and try to reconnect...? Yes. But, definitely not an option.
I do wish I knew what was ahead for me and the kids. I am a little envious of others who seem to have people dumped in their lap. And, sometimes I wonder if there is something about me that will never allow the future to open up like that for me. I have tried to become as independent as I possibly can be....not because I want to be on my own but because I don't want to be a burden to anyone and I think it is my responsibility to take care of our business. Yet, I wonder if that independence is serving me very well.
I don't know where I am going with this....I miss having and being married to my best friend...I miss having someone to talk to each night....I miss having a sounding board....I miss having someone who celebrated the victories with me...and someone who helped pick me up when I fell on my face....feeling kind of lonely I guess.
Just ramblings....
Came across this tonight reading on ywbb.org. I may write a post about this quote at a later time..."Do not wait for life. Do not long for it. Be aware, always and at every moment, that the miracle is in the here and now.” ~ Marcel Proust
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