Today I turned in my suburban and got a Tahoe. Six months ago I tried to make a change in my automobile and the timing didn't seem to be right so I backed off. Nathan expressed quite a bit of emotion (he was genuinely upset that I was going to get rid of the car that daddy gave me) about getting rid of our Suburban. So, I decided to wait until he was ok with it. Looking back, I realize that the way in which I did it probably had more to do with it than the sentimental value. I didn't give him time to get used to the idea...I just showed up with a demo car and assumed he would be excited....not!
Last week when my dad was here he encouraged me to make a change in what I was driving. The mileage was just about to hit 100k and it seemed like it was now or never. He wasn't telling me what to do but he was affirming what I was thinking. The main point for getting a new car was that I am on my own...I don't have family to come rescue me if it breaks down...and, I am going back and forth to Fort Worth more since I am in school.....so, it is a decision driven mainly by practical issues.
So, I talked to the kids about it and everyone seemed on board with it. I specifically talked with Nathan about it, showed him what model I was looking at and told him why I thought it might be time to make a change.
He was fine with it. He was actually excited about it.
So, I did it today.
How does it feel? As usual, my feelings are all over the place.
There was some sadness when I handed over the keys because I knew I was giving up another piece of my life with Brian. I remember the night he surprised me with it. We had a date night and we went to eat at Olive Garden. We drove our "old" car to the restaurant and he had one of his employees make the switch while we were eating. I was stunned when I walked outside and couldn't find my car. Brian had this big grin on his face and said "I think this is your car right here".
There was some anxiety when I was signing the paperwork. Did I get the best deal? Am I going to regret this? Is this a good, solid decision?
There was excitement when I drove up to the school and the kids saw it for the first time.....I asked Nathan my "counselor" question....On a scale of one to ten how is it? He gave me a huge smile and a "10"....whew!
There was and is some guilt....I'd much rather have a husband than a new car....and, realistically, if he were still here I would probably still be driving my Suburban....because I would know that help was only a phone call away and we would be more apt to drive it until the wheels fell off.....case in point, the truck Brian was driving when he had his accident had 165k miles...
I also have a new appreciation for Brian. I now know what it feels like to have to make such a huge decision. I typically relied on him to make all those big decisions....and, sadly, if I thought he made the wrong decision I was sometimes critical. I guess I now "get" how hard his job was.
I had a few minutes alone with Nathan tonight and we had one of those "special" moments/conversations. If I printed all the details of the conversation it wouldn't mean much to anyone but me. Basically, I reminded him that we needed to be grateful for how hard daddy worked to provide for us. I told him that I was glad he was happy about the new car. However, I also reminded him that while I always want to consider his feelings when making big decisions that there might come a time when I had to make changes in our life that he didn't necessarily agree with. In other words, I reminded him that we can't keep everything the same forever....daddy wouldn't want that and that isn't what is best for us.....I even asked him what he would think if I ever wanted to sell our house....he wasn't too sure about that but I reassured him that wouldn't happen anytime soon....
What's the point of that conversation? I wanted to help him understand that life is about change. We can't always control how life changes....but, change can be a good thing. He hates change...as do I....and so maybe that conversation was just as much for me as it was for him. I don't want to give him the impression that we are going to spend the rest of our life trying to live the same life in the same house as we did when Brian was alive. The conversation ended with Nathan giving me the biggest bear hug I have ever gotten from him. He usually gives these little wimpy hugs that you have to beg him to give you. Tonight he initiated the hug and held on to me....wouldn't let go....really, he just wouldn't let go....then we started laughing and I tried to stand up and I almost tripped.....and then he asked me to carry him to bed....he didn't let go until I practically peeled him off of me.....completely out of character for him......I treasure those unexpected moments....moments that you don't plan or expect....but when they happen you recognize them as "special"...
Change....it's something I've got to work at.....but I see the benefit of change and I know that I have to embrace it.....
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Progress
Much progress was made this weekend. My parents were here and my dad helped me with all of my homeowner issues and landlord challenges. I am thankful for his willingness to step in and help when I am at the end of my rope. It really wasn't all that bad. We took things one issue at a time, one furry friend at a time...and I feel much better about everything!
I think I may be at another transition point. I realize that it is time for me to either sink or swim....and I much prefer swimming. I have had a lot of help these past two and a half years and it is time to figure out how to make sure I don't impose or intrude on others every time I have a need or issue.
It's a good thing....it's just a little tricky when I don't know what I am doing in many, many instances. '
The practical stuff is easier to figure out than the emotional stuff. It is still really hard for me to process feelings, decisions, insecurities, etc. on my own. Brian was always my buffer and he was my best friend. I think the emotional intimacy is what I miss the most now. I believe most of the other adjustments have been made....but, learning to be alone emotionally is tough.
Another thing that I have realized is that I don't have as much to offer in a friendship. In most cases, I am the more needy one. I have never been one to be a "needy" person. As a matter of fact, typically I have been one to attract "needy" people for friends because I was willing to give more than I can now. However, friendships should be a two-way street. Maybe I am realizing that I haven't been able to contribute to a friendship like I should be in order for the relationship to be healthy.
So, here I am stuck in the middle. I need the emotional connectedness...I need people I can vent to....but, I can't offer the same in return to the same degree. Or, maybe I could and do offer it but no one else "needs" me like maybe I "need" them. I think I am going in circles...I obviously don't have it figured out.
I don't really know what the answer is to my dilemma. Isolating myself doesn't work and it isn't what I want. Yet, I realize that I need friendships a whole lot more than friendships need me.
It's been a good weekend though....even thinking about replacing my car....may make a decision this week!
I think I may be at another transition point. I realize that it is time for me to either sink or swim....and I much prefer swimming. I have had a lot of help these past two and a half years and it is time to figure out how to make sure I don't impose or intrude on others every time I have a need or issue.
It's a good thing....it's just a little tricky when I don't know what I am doing in many, many instances. '
The practical stuff is easier to figure out than the emotional stuff. It is still really hard for me to process feelings, decisions, insecurities, etc. on my own. Brian was always my buffer and he was my best friend. I think the emotional intimacy is what I miss the most now. I believe most of the other adjustments have been made....but, learning to be alone emotionally is tough.
Another thing that I have realized is that I don't have as much to offer in a friendship. In most cases, I am the more needy one. I have never been one to be a "needy" person. As a matter of fact, typically I have been one to attract "needy" people for friends because I was willing to give more than I can now. However, friendships should be a two-way street. Maybe I am realizing that I haven't been able to contribute to a friendship like I should be in order for the relationship to be healthy.
So, here I am stuck in the middle. I need the emotional connectedness...I need people I can vent to....but, I can't offer the same in return to the same degree. Or, maybe I could and do offer it but no one else "needs" me like maybe I "need" them. I think I am going in circles...I obviously don't have it figured out.
I don't really know what the answer is to my dilemma. Isolating myself doesn't work and it isn't what I want. Yet, I realize that I need friendships a whole lot more than friendships need me.
It's been a good weekend though....even thinking about replacing my car....may make a decision this week!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Annoying Tasks....
I have been frustrated this week with all the annoying tasks I have to try to pretend that I know what I am doing when I really don't. I had a leak in my roof and had to call someone out to fix it. They fixed it but there is some damage on the ceiling in my son's room. I now have to try to find someone who can repair the drywall that got wet.
When I opened my pantry door on Tuesday pieces of insulation fluttered down. I looked up and found that a furry friend has been chewing his way through the ceiling of my pantry. I now have to figure out who my furry friend is and then get someone to fix the hole he made.
I am still fighting with drainage issues at my commercial property. The contractor who claimed he would solve all my problems has basically thrown up his hands and isn't returning calls or emails. So, tomorrow, I have a meeting with my building manager, a hydrology engineer, my dad, and a new contractor who specializes in drainage issues. I have a million other things I would like to be doing on my day off but instead I will spend it trying to make sense out of whatever they say I need to do. And, I am sure my pocketbook will end up a lot thinner after tomorrow.
I have called my CPA three times this week to set up a time to meet and talk about my taxes for 2007. He hasn't returned my call. I would love to get another CPA but this one knows all my history and I can't just jump to another one because I don't even know how everything is set up in terms of the corporation that is tied to me. So, I wait and I wait....and he never calls back.
I called a commercial real estate agent yesterday to get a market analysis on my commercial property. She hasn't called me back either. I just want to know what my building is worth so that either I can feel better about all the money I have had to spend lately or I can make some hard decisions about whether I want to keep it. My guess is that I will be pleased with the market analysis but it has been hard to watch that business account get drained from all the expenses of trying to fix the drainage problem.
I clearly don't know what I am doing and I try really hard to learn how to take care of my own business....but, there is a limit...I am afraid people are beginning to see me as a burden or a liability....oh no, here she comes again, what's wrong this time. So, I am trying to be more perceptive and trying to involve less people in my every day life. Life is changing again....friendships are changing....and I am trying to adjust and learn from mistakes I make.
Life isn't so fun right now.....but we will get through it.....and someday, I am going to buy me a condo in a retirement community and I won't have to worry about a lawn or squirrels in my attic, or holes in my roof.....wouldn't that be nice? Or, I'll just drive my kids crazy with all the stuff I have to ask them to do for me.....so much to look forward to....
When I opened my pantry door on Tuesday pieces of insulation fluttered down. I looked up and found that a furry friend has been chewing his way through the ceiling of my pantry. I now have to figure out who my furry friend is and then get someone to fix the hole he made.
I am still fighting with drainage issues at my commercial property. The contractor who claimed he would solve all my problems has basically thrown up his hands and isn't returning calls or emails. So, tomorrow, I have a meeting with my building manager, a hydrology engineer, my dad, and a new contractor who specializes in drainage issues. I have a million other things I would like to be doing on my day off but instead I will spend it trying to make sense out of whatever they say I need to do. And, I am sure my pocketbook will end up a lot thinner after tomorrow.
I have called my CPA three times this week to set up a time to meet and talk about my taxes for 2007. He hasn't returned my call. I would love to get another CPA but this one knows all my history and I can't just jump to another one because I don't even know how everything is set up in terms of the corporation that is tied to me. So, I wait and I wait....and he never calls back.
I called a commercial real estate agent yesterday to get a market analysis on my commercial property. She hasn't called me back either. I just want to know what my building is worth so that either I can feel better about all the money I have had to spend lately or I can make some hard decisions about whether I want to keep it. My guess is that I will be pleased with the market analysis but it has been hard to watch that business account get drained from all the expenses of trying to fix the drainage problem.
I clearly don't know what I am doing and I try really hard to learn how to take care of my own business....but, there is a limit...I am afraid people are beginning to see me as a burden or a liability....oh no, here she comes again, what's wrong this time. So, I am trying to be more perceptive and trying to involve less people in my every day life. Life is changing again....friendships are changing....and I am trying to adjust and learn from mistakes I make.
Life isn't so fun right now.....but we will get through it.....and someday, I am going to buy me a condo in a retirement community and I won't have to worry about a lawn or squirrels in my attic, or holes in my roof.....wouldn't that be nice? Or, I'll just drive my kids crazy with all the stuff I have to ask them to do for me.....so much to look forward to....
Monday, February 18, 2008
The Continual Pull
Right now I feel like I am continually pulled in different directions. In one corner is my job that I love. When I am at work I try to be totally at work. I am thankful that my focus has returned (a much needed thing) and most days I am extremely grateful for the job that I have.
On the other end is my family. My kids want me to be at home with them at night. I want to be with them at night. I am home with them every day after school. I am extremely grateful that I can do that.
Lately, I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt from both sides. I feel guilty that I can't give as much as some can at work. I feel uncertain what to do when I am asked to attend an event at night that will require me to get a babysitter or impose on a friend. I feel like I am not pulling my weight when I don't attend as many evening functions as others do. I don't want to be treated any differently and I don't expect special treatment. And so the guilt rages on....and the reality is that I am the only single parent on staff...and I also don't have any family in the area.....everyone else either doesn't have kids or has a spouse who can fill in the gap.
Yet, my kids need me at home. I feel like my calling as a parent takes precedence over my career's calling. There's also some guilt from my kids. They want me to come eat lunch at school with them or go on all the field trips or any of another million things they would like me to be at. I do my best to go to as many field trips as I can without taking too much time off from work. I find that I have to pick and choose and be very selective about what field trips I go on. For the most part, the kids are ok with that. I, on the other hand, feel guilty.
If Brian were still here much of this guilt would be manageable. He'd pick up the slack when I needed to be away at night. He and I would take turns going on field trips (which is what we did when he was alive). The two of us had a pretty good thing going and our family never suffered even though we both had careers.
Now........things are just different. I am not sure how to resolve the guilt. And, besides the guilt, I feel bad that there are times when I have no interest whatsoever in doing whatever it is that I have been asked to do. Instead of being excited about attending an event I feel burdened by it...and the whole time I am there I am thinking "I should be at home...my kids need me to tuck them in....or I wonder if they are getting their home work done.."
I am discouraged right now.....I am questioning myself a lot.....and I wonder if I have become more of a liability than an asset.....and that is something that is totally unacceptable for me....
On the other end is my family. My kids want me to be at home with them at night. I want to be with them at night. I am home with them every day after school. I am extremely grateful that I can do that.
Lately, I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt from both sides. I feel guilty that I can't give as much as some can at work. I feel uncertain what to do when I am asked to attend an event at night that will require me to get a babysitter or impose on a friend. I feel like I am not pulling my weight when I don't attend as many evening functions as others do. I don't want to be treated any differently and I don't expect special treatment. And so the guilt rages on....and the reality is that I am the only single parent on staff...and I also don't have any family in the area.....everyone else either doesn't have kids or has a spouse who can fill in the gap.
Yet, my kids need me at home. I feel like my calling as a parent takes precedence over my career's calling. There's also some guilt from my kids. They want me to come eat lunch at school with them or go on all the field trips or any of another million things they would like me to be at. I do my best to go to as many field trips as I can without taking too much time off from work. I find that I have to pick and choose and be very selective about what field trips I go on. For the most part, the kids are ok with that. I, on the other hand, feel guilty.
If Brian were still here much of this guilt would be manageable. He'd pick up the slack when I needed to be away at night. He and I would take turns going on field trips (which is what we did when he was alive). The two of us had a pretty good thing going and our family never suffered even though we both had careers.
Now........things are just different. I am not sure how to resolve the guilt. And, besides the guilt, I feel bad that there are times when I have no interest whatsoever in doing whatever it is that I have been asked to do. Instead of being excited about attending an event I feel burdened by it...and the whole time I am there I am thinking "I should be at home...my kids need me to tuck them in....or I wonder if they are getting their home work done.."
I am discouraged right now.....I am questioning myself a lot.....and I wonder if I have become more of a liability than an asset.....and that is something that is totally unacceptable for me....
Sunday, February 17, 2008
He talked about it....
For the first time, Nathan talked about the day that his daddy died. It wasn't a planned conversation. It just happened. He told me what he remembered about the day. He told me that he had asked his daddy to put up the water slide that morning so they could play on it with the babysitter. Brian told him no because they were going to Family Night at VBS and there would be a big waterslide there for them to enjoy. There's really no significance to those "facts"...I was just thankful that Nathan is now able to talk about that day.
It's not that Nathan hasn't talked "about" his dad...he has done that from day one. This conversation struck me as "different" because he was able to tell me the last conversation he had with his dad. He was able to share what "he" remembered about the day his daddy died. It was new info for me...and maybe that seemed special too...I now know some of what Nathan talked about with his dad just before he left for work.
Lexi also told me what she remembered about that day. She recanted almost verbatim what I told them when I had to tell them that their daddy died. I was amazed that she would remember the words that I used....she was only four when it happened.
They also both remembered that there were "lots of people mowing our lawn and cleaning our house". It wasn't that the yard was in bad shape or that the house was filthy...it was just that there were so many people trying to help us with the practical issues in our life...and they remembered that....interesting.
They both remembered that I took them in Nathan's room and sat them on the bed to talk to them. I will never forget that day. I don't know that there will ever be anything harder than having to do that.
As I have said before, the main reason why I write this blog is for my kids...I want them to be able to see the process we went through in dealing with their daddy's death...and this seemed worth noting....we have now reached a point where we can sit around the dinner table and talk about the most difficult thing our family has ever been through...I think that is progress...and healing.
It's not that Nathan hasn't talked "about" his dad...he has done that from day one. This conversation struck me as "different" because he was able to tell me the last conversation he had with his dad. He was able to share what "he" remembered about the day his daddy died. It was new info for me...and maybe that seemed special too...I now know some of what Nathan talked about with his dad just before he left for work.
Lexi also told me what she remembered about that day. She recanted almost verbatim what I told them when I had to tell them that their daddy died. I was amazed that she would remember the words that I used....she was only four when it happened.
They also both remembered that there were "lots of people mowing our lawn and cleaning our house". It wasn't that the yard was in bad shape or that the house was filthy...it was just that there were so many people trying to help us with the practical issues in our life...and they remembered that....interesting.
They both remembered that I took them in Nathan's room and sat them on the bed to talk to them. I will never forget that day. I don't know that there will ever be anything harder than having to do that.
As I have said before, the main reason why I write this blog is for my kids...I want them to be able to see the process we went through in dealing with their daddy's death...and this seemed worth noting....we have now reached a point where we can sit around the dinner table and talk about the most difficult thing our family has ever been through...I think that is progress...and healing.
Valentines Kindness
I received these beautiful flowers for Valentines Day. The card read "to the daughters of the King". I am thinking the florist may not have accurately written down the message, but I got the drift.
I have no idea who sent me these. No one has owned up to it and I have asked a few people I would consider it to be a possibility and they have said they didn't do it.
They were absolutely beautiful and I am grateful for the kind thought. I am also amazed that anyone would even think to do such a thing.
I wish I knew who did it...but since I don't, I'll just consider it a tangible reminder that God loves me and cares that I felt loved this Valentines.
Grateful for random acts of kindness....they keep life interesting...
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Made with/from Love....
My mom made this quilt for my oldest son. It is made entirely from shirts that Brian once wore (The shams aren't...she found them and they just happened to match). I look at it and see memories of him so clearly. On the back of it she had this embroidered:
For Nathan
In Memory of Your Dad
_____ _______ (name)
1969-2005
He dreams, he plans, he struggles
that we might have the best.
His sacrifice is quiet, his life
is love expressed.
Author Unknown
From Meemaw with love,
2008
No words....just extremely grateful!!!
Friday, February 15, 2008
My Toothless Valentine
She's all dressed up with somewhere special to go....
My toothless gal....gotta love it!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Today's Ramblings
Without a doubt I am moving forward and I am pretty jazzed about that fact. I am moving again. I am working towards some goals and trying to be open to how God wants to redefine my life.
Today, I had lunch with a fellow widow. She lost her husband two years ago, I lost Brian 2.5 years ago. There is an instant rapport with her. We get each other and I always enjoy talking with her. Unfortunately, time prohibits us from getting together very often. She is the mother of two boys and a hydrology engineer. One of the purposes of our lunch was to discuss the drainage issues I continue to have at my commercial property. At one point I looked at her and said "Brian must be laughing because never in a millon years did I ever dream I would be having lunch with a hydrology engineer talking about the way water flows down my property, topo maps, splash-over calculations, etc". And what is so funny is that it felt pretty natural to be in downtown Fort Worth talking about my options for drainage studies...all in a day's work I guess.
I suppose it has probably been six months since we last had lunch. I could see such growth in her life as I talked with her today. She is getting ready to close on some land and build a new home. She has dreams and is excited about building a house. I couldn't help but be totally enthused for her. I remember the lunches that we had before and how overwhelmed she was then. She's definitely different. I love that she has navigated some pretty rough waters. I admire her for that.
Towards the end of our lunch she asked me if I had been dating anyone. Again, this question always catches me off guard, even from a fellow widow. I think my response was that I didn't want to date, I just wanted to be married again someday. She and I had a good laugh about that one. She then went on to tell me that she had her first date this past weekend. Truly, I couldn't be more pleased that she is opening herself up to the possibility of finding love again.
Yet, I then wonder why it seems to be so easy for some to head down this path...it certainly hasn't even been an option for me. I did have an email stalker last month, but that doesn't count. An old guy from high school that I dated once or twice contacted me and asked if I would consider going out with him. Ah, no! Not interested. Not a viable option at all! Did it make me feel sort of good that someone would go to the trouble to find me and try to reconnect...? Yes. But, definitely not an option.
I do wish I knew what was ahead for me and the kids. I am a little envious of others who seem to have people dumped in their lap. And, sometimes I wonder if there is something about me that will never allow the future to open up like that for me. I have tried to become as independent as I possibly can be....not because I want to be on my own but because I don't want to be a burden to anyone and I think it is my responsibility to take care of our business. Yet, I wonder if that independence is serving me very well.
I don't know where I am going with this....I miss having and being married to my best friend...I miss having someone to talk to each night....I miss having a sounding board....I miss having someone who celebrated the victories with me...and someone who helped pick me up when I fell on my face....feeling kind of lonely I guess.
Just ramblings....
Came across this tonight reading on ywbb.org. I may write a post about this quote at a later time..."Do not wait for life. Do not long for it. Be aware, always and at every moment, that the miracle is in the here and now.” ~ Marcel Proust
Today, I had lunch with a fellow widow. She lost her husband two years ago, I lost Brian 2.5 years ago. There is an instant rapport with her. We get each other and I always enjoy talking with her. Unfortunately, time prohibits us from getting together very often. She is the mother of two boys and a hydrology engineer. One of the purposes of our lunch was to discuss the drainage issues I continue to have at my commercial property. At one point I looked at her and said "Brian must be laughing because never in a millon years did I ever dream I would be having lunch with a hydrology engineer talking about the way water flows down my property, topo maps, splash-over calculations, etc". And what is so funny is that it felt pretty natural to be in downtown Fort Worth talking about my options for drainage studies...all in a day's work I guess.
I suppose it has probably been six months since we last had lunch. I could see such growth in her life as I talked with her today. She is getting ready to close on some land and build a new home. She has dreams and is excited about building a house. I couldn't help but be totally enthused for her. I remember the lunches that we had before and how overwhelmed she was then. She's definitely different. I love that she has navigated some pretty rough waters. I admire her for that.
Towards the end of our lunch she asked me if I had been dating anyone. Again, this question always catches me off guard, even from a fellow widow. I think my response was that I didn't want to date, I just wanted to be married again someday. She and I had a good laugh about that one. She then went on to tell me that she had her first date this past weekend. Truly, I couldn't be more pleased that she is opening herself up to the possibility of finding love again.
Yet, I then wonder why it seems to be so easy for some to head down this path...it certainly hasn't even been an option for me. I did have an email stalker last month, but that doesn't count. An old guy from high school that I dated once or twice contacted me and asked if I would consider going out with him. Ah, no! Not interested. Not a viable option at all! Did it make me feel sort of good that someone would go to the trouble to find me and try to reconnect...? Yes. But, definitely not an option.
I do wish I knew what was ahead for me and the kids. I am a little envious of others who seem to have people dumped in their lap. And, sometimes I wonder if there is something about me that will never allow the future to open up like that for me. I have tried to become as independent as I possibly can be....not because I want to be on my own but because I don't want to be a burden to anyone and I think it is my responsibility to take care of our business. Yet, I wonder if that independence is serving me very well.
I don't know where I am going with this....I miss having and being married to my best friend...I miss having someone to talk to each night....I miss having a sounding board....I miss having someone who celebrated the victories with me...and someone who helped pick me up when I fell on my face....feeling kind of lonely I guess.
Just ramblings....
Came across this tonight reading on ywbb.org. I may write a post about this quote at a later time..."Do not wait for life. Do not long for it. Be aware, always and at every moment, that the miracle is in the here and now.” ~ Marcel Proust
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Identity Issues
I continue to struggle with some identity issues. The issues beome magnified when I am in a new situation or meet a new group of people who do not know my past history or my personal struggles. I think it is a good struggle, one that is born out of a need to make my status as a widow only one of the many identifying factors about my life. Yes, I am a widow. Yes, it has profoundly changed me and it makes me a little different than most 38 year old mothers. However, it is not all of me. It no longer is the central defining aspect of my life. It is a huge part of me but it is only ONE part of me.
In order to continue to grow forward my identity has to go beyond my marital status. I can not allow my "widow" status to overshadow all of the other aspects of my life and personality that make me unique.
Yet, while the desire is there to resolve some of the identity issues that I have, I don't have complete clarity as to how to make that happen. Perhaps some of it will continue to occur naturally. Certainly though, some of it will be deliberate choices that I make.
Life after Brian continues to evolve and amaze me. I am at peace with our relationship and the fact that it ended prematurely. It doesn't mean I don't wish it hadn't happened. But, it does mean that I have accepted that it is over and I have chosen not to try to act as though it were possible to be in love with someone who is no longer here. And, while I am not thankful for the loss, I am thankful for the lessons that this loss has taught me. I will never be the same and that is a good thing.
My life is going on without him....as he would want it to.......and now I am finding that I WANT and NEED life to go on too.
For that I am grateful....
In order to continue to grow forward my identity has to go beyond my marital status. I can not allow my "widow" status to overshadow all of the other aspects of my life and personality that make me unique.
Yet, while the desire is there to resolve some of the identity issues that I have, I don't have complete clarity as to how to make that happen. Perhaps some of it will continue to occur naturally. Certainly though, some of it will be deliberate choices that I make.
Life after Brian continues to evolve and amaze me. I am at peace with our relationship and the fact that it ended prematurely. It doesn't mean I don't wish it hadn't happened. But, it does mean that I have accepted that it is over and I have chosen not to try to act as though it were possible to be in love with someone who is no longer here. And, while I am not thankful for the loss, I am thankful for the lessons that this loss has taught me. I will never be the same and that is a good thing.
My life is going on without him....as he would want it to.......and now I am finding that I WANT and NEED life to go on too.
For that I am grateful....
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