A Blue Christmas...(second edition)

Last night I attended a "Blue Christmas Service" at a Methodist church in Fort Worth. I went by myself hoping to engage in a meaningful worship experience that would acknowledge the pain of the holidays for those who are still grieving the loss of a loved one. Up until this year I had not heard of such a service. Every Christmas service that I had ever attended was completely focused upon the joy of Christmas. Because of my life experience, I now understand that while there is a lot of joy at Christmas there is also a lot of undeniable pain.

I found the service to be extremely meaningful and well done. If nothing else, it acknowledged the difficult emotions and validated the sorrow that we all feel when we are facing the holidays without the people we most want to share them with. I don't think we do a very good job of giving people permission to grieve at Christmas. We tend to shove down their throat the "hope and joy of Christmas". To be sure, there is a lot of hope and joy that should be celebrated at Christmas. However, to deny the sorrow is less than appropriate.

So, like many things in my life and experience, I realize that "balance" is the key. Obviously, Christmas isn't meant to be about "loss". I am not suggesting that all people need to find a balance. Clearly, for many people it isn't even an issue. Yet, for some, Christmas is an "in your face" reminder that life has changed and loss has done its damage.

I remember the first Christmas without Brian. Our church, like most, had a beautiful service that celebrated the birth of Jesus and showcased the gifts and talents of our congregation. I was caught off guard when "I'll be Home for Christmas" was sung and I thought I was going to completely lose it. I didn't go to that service expecting to feel such deep pain and sadness. But, it happened and it was one of the most difficult services I have ever sat through. I don't begrudge anyone for that and I certainly do not think there was anything inappropriate about the service. It was beautifully done. It honored Christ.

The point....is that Christmas tends to magnify our losses. I don't feel it was unspiritual of myself to be affected by a song. I think it was "human" of me. Likewise, I don't think God expects us to deny the sorrow. Rather, I think God asks us to bring Him our sorrow. And, in bringing Him our sorrow, we find His glorious presence.

Last night, this particular church invited us to bring our sorrow to God. There was no shame in it. There was nothing "unspiritual" about it. And, I saw people doing just that.....and I believe it honored God....


For me personally, I am glad that I had a chance, in a formal way, to acknowledge the sadness I still feel as I approach Christmas.....because, truthfully, it still hurts and I still miss him....and that's ok. And, in some odd way, I think giving myself permission to still feel his loss has freed me to continue to work on fully embracing the Joy of Christmas. I found some balance already this year....and for that, I am grateful.

My prayer

I have a new prayer. It's pretty simple....

God,

Help me to want what you know I need....and help me
to be thankful that you always provide what I "need".

The end.


I find myself wanting a lot of things lately. I need God to shape my "wants" so that my "wants" are actually what He already knows that I need...and is ready to provide.

For example, I "want" to be married (to Brian preferably...if that were possible)....I miss being married....I hate being a "single mom"....but the reality is that my "wants" may not be what I or my kids "need"....only God knows that.....so, I think if I try to focus myself on only "wanting" what I trust that God knows that I "need" then maybe I will be content.

It makes sense to me....maybe to no one else....but it works for me.

Thanksgiving 2007

Thanksgiving came and went with very little fanfare. I guess a "new normal" has emerged. The day was not emotionally charged like it had been the past two years. We made our visit to Brian's grave today and my emotions ignited for the first time in a long time. I drove away from there angry. I was angry that instead of being out shopping like a "normal" wife after Thanksgiving, I was visiting my dead husbands grave. I hate that. It's not supposed to be that way and I guess it still just makes me angry sometimes.

I spent part of Thanksgiving with my family and part of the day with Brian's family. I feel loved when I am at Brian's parents house but I am begining to feel more and more like an outsider. It isn't anything they do or any particular thing that has happened. They still treat me the same way they did when Brian was alive. I feel fortunate to have such an amicable relationship. However, I found myself feeling indifferent towards his two brothers and their wives and children. I am having a hard time wanting to invest myself in those relationships. I don't really feel all that great about how I am feeling. I feel sort of selfish and apathetic. Yet, the reality is that the only reason we have any type of relationship is now gone. Brian was our connecting point and without him I feel lost and uninterested.

When I went to bed last night I was feeling rather envious and down. I am envious of my brother and sister and the relationships they have with their spouses. I am envious of my parents because they have been married for 44 years. I am envious of my neices and nephews because they still have both of their parents to love them and raise them. I am envious. Pure and simple.

And, I am down. I'm down because I miss being married....and there just isn't a whole lot I can do about that....except to try to be thankful that I had what I had....and I am trying, really trying....but it just doesn't seem to be working.

What I know For Sure....

I have several blogs that I read on a daily basis. One of them is written by Marsha, a young widow from Illinois. I came across her blog via the "Young Widow Bulletin Board" that I used to spend a lot of time reading and benefiting from the experiences of other young widows. She wrote a post a few weeks ago in which she listed the things that she "knows for sure". Her post came out of a sermon that she heard where her pastor encouraged the congregation not to let the things that you don't know get in the way of what you do know. In other words, instead of focusing all your energy on trying to understand what is unknowable, remember what you do know and let those things guide you.

So, I read her blog and was very moved by it. She challenged her readers to list what they do know for sure....so here is mine....

1. My children are a gift and I cherish them. Our family is different than what I had imagined it would be. But, we are one great family. I am proud of who we are. I am proud of my kids.

2. God has been faithful to me in and through all things. His character is knowable. His love has been experienced. His comfort has been given. I am grateful....truly grateful for who He is.

3. My mom and dad are also gifts. Their support during the past 2 1/2 years has been amazing. My mom has come and stayed with me and helped me through busy times. My dad took on the two businesses that Brian left behind and has helped me deal with more issues than I ever knew I could or would have. I am eternally indebted to them.

4. The local church that I am a part of has been Jesus to us to the point that I also feel eternally indebted to them. Simple acts of kindness by dozens and dozens of people have shown my kids what Jesus would look like with skin on....I can't imagine going through this without their support and love.

5. Life is what it is.....and death is what it is. They mystery is no longer there....the reality of both has changed me.

6. I loved being loved.....and I miss that....but I am grateful to have experienced the unconditional love that Brian gave me....truly grateful....truly, truly grateful.

7. God has been able to bring good out of the tragedy I experienced. It doesn't mean that what happened is good....it just means that God is able to bring beauty out of the ashes....I have seen it firsthand.....I believe in the goodness of God.....

8. God desires for me to continue to grow forward....He understands my need to glance in the rearview mirror...Yet, He continually calls me to keep my eyes focused straight ahead....

9. I believe with all my heart that we are going to be more than just ok.....we have made it through some incredibly difficult days....and we are still smiling....still laughing.....still making memories.....and I look forward to the future...with great anticipation of what God will do with our lives.....


I am grateful for the things "I know for sure"....because it is these things that get me through those days when the "unknowable stuff" overwhelms me....

Loving Life

No words....the pictures say it all....


Grateful for my kids....

The "dew" in my life....

It seems as though God has been speaking right to me every time I go to church or listen to a sermon online or talk with someone about spiritual things. This past Sunday, my pastor talked about Gideon. I was struck by how patient God was with Gideon and how involved God was in the whole process of Gideons victory over the Midianites. I have questioned whether or not God is involved in the little details of our lives since Brian's death. I have considered an option that would put God more at a distance with us....and Gideon's story has given me pause for thought.

I ended up at this point because it would seem to me that if God is interested in the little details of our lives then surely He wouldn't choose to be uninvolved in the accident that took Brian's life. In other words, if He really isn't all that involved and doesn't really care whether we get a close parking place or not or whatever other silly things we sometimes pray when we are in a hurry or behind a deadline....then that makes it more ok that it appears that He wasn't involved enough in Brian's life to prevent the accident.


But....the story of Gideon seems to indicate to me that God is at least willing to be involved in the the "dew" of our lives (See Judges 6)...Gideon basically asked God to give him signs to help Him know how to be obedient....or to be able to trust His commands....over and over again....God did things just for Gideon...just so he'd know that he was on the right track....and Gideon experienced victory....in a most unorthodox way....

What did that say to me? God is patient with us when we are uncertain what He wants us to do. God is willing and able to intervene in our lives and provide confirmations of His will....God apparently understands that it is hard for me be certain of His direction for my life....God has given me some "dew" lately.....Instead of questioning it, I should embrace it....and just "do" it.....

His voice

Last night Braden asked me "what did daddy's voice sound like?"

Sigh......


I told him we would watch some videos of him so he could remember......


Sometimes I think about that too....and I notice that some of those memories are fading....his voice, his touch....

Just a reminder that grief is an ongoing process for my kids...especially Braden.....

I'm in....

I had my interview today....I guess it went well because I have been accepted into the program.

I should be excited and thrilled...and I mostly am....

But....

I was asked this question and it is still bothering me...."You are a single parent and a full-time employee, tell me what your thought process is about how you will be able to manage being a student as well"......

I expected some type of reference to the fact that I am raising three kids on my own....but I didn't expect to be called a single parent. When people refer to people as "single parents" it usually isn't a compliment...there is this insinuation that a single parent is a second class parent.

It bothered me....it was a little bit of a slap in the face of reality....some people do consider me a second class parent I guess.....

It's not by my choice that I fall into that category.....I never meant to end up being a "single parent"....I prefer the term "only parent".....


Again, I expected some type of reference to it...I thought it would be in reference to my widow status...not my status as a parent....

I don't think it was meant to be an offensive way to ask me what I considered to be a fair question....and it wasn't asked in a derogatory tone...it was very matter of fact.....and more than anything, it bothers me that it bothers me....why should it bother me.....that is what I am.....I guess...

Conflicting emotions right now....excitement about the door that is open......frustration that I have a status that I never wanted.....


But....I'm in....and now the real work begins....