Spent

I'm spent emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  I've been running at break-neck speed for the past two weeks.  Literally, running from one thing to the next.  I made a hospital visit on Tuesday and squeezed it in between my final class at school and a parent/teacher/child conference.  I ran through the parking garage to shave off some time...drove 80mph to get there...ran from my car into the school to slide into the conference with about 1 minute to spare. As soon as that was over I rushed over to Starbucks to meet the realtor and sign the contract.   On Monday, I was eating lunch with the staff when I got a text from my realtor requesting an immediate meeting with the buyer.  I left lunch early....drove like mad to Granbury....froze my tail off standing in the cold building ( I forgot my coat)...and then drove like made to get back to work for another meeting.

Today, was just as bad.  I had three appointments/meetings in the morning, a going away luncheon, an appointment after lunch and then I had to deliver an 8 foot tall rocket to Lexi's class and see her presentation.  In between all that, I discovered a potential issue I will have to deal with at closing.

Being busy is tough....but, not as bad as being surprised and caught off guard with things you have no control over.  

One of the difficult things about this whole process has been finding out issues that Brian didn't tell me about.  Most of the time, these issues that pop up cost me money.  In this particular case, I'm not sure exactly what will happen or what it will cost me.  Brian didn't share with me everything about his business.  I didn't expect him to.  However, now that he is gone...it is hard to be surprised by things and not be a little angry, frustrated and even hurt.  

I'm mad that I am the one that has to deal with everything....I'm sad that he's not here to help me through it and at least provide emotional support...and I am frustrated that just when I think things are about to come to resolution, in pops another surprise.

The reality is...things will be ok.  The issue is minor in most people's book but it feels major to me because I wasn't expecting it.  It feels like a punch in the gut and it knocks me off course when something new pops up.  It knocks the emotional breath out of me and I have to work hard at processing the issue without him here to explain why there is an issue.  I know that Brian never intended to leave me with the messes he left me with.  I know that he would be sad to know what I have had to deal with.  I know all that in my heart...but it still just feels like I am never going to get to move forward with my life without some nagging issue in the background.  I have worked so hard to tie up loose ends in his business world.  And, for the most part, things have worked out better than I could have expected.  I just need it to end.  I want to only be responsible for my life...my choices...my bank account...my bills...I am tired of fixing past issues.

Oh yeah....Christmas is just around the corner and I am not anywhere near being ready....no pressure....I just have to be ready for Santa to come by next Friday night.  I'm overwhelmed at the thought of trying to get all that done.  

So, I'm spent....tired...frustrated....

But, I also see there is an end in sight....God, help me get to that end....

And, I'm still so very grateful that I have a buyer for my building....I feel very fortunate and lucky to have sold it this quickly....if it all works out it will be less than 6 weeks from the time the sign went up to the day we closed....that just doesn't happen....God has been good to us...for that I am grateful.