An unexpected blessing in disguise...

I would have been offended if someone had told me that Brian's death would actually bring our family closer....yet, today I realized the kids and I have bonded in an emotional and spiritual way that few families experience while their kids are so young.

The topic in class today was on the "heart connection" that is necessary for children to develop with their parents. For once, I walked away from class feeling like this was an area that we had some strength in as a family.

I do feel connected to my kids emotionally and spiritually. We have had some intense bonding times over the past 3 1/2 years.

When I think about feeling close to my own parents ,I think of those defining moments that usually occur around deaths, graduations, special milestones, failures, etc. I think I remember every time I have ever seen my dad cry. It was during those times when he was most vulnerable that I felt the most connected.

My kids (particularly Nathan and Lexi) have been exposed to my vulnerabilities to an extent that is not typical. We have cried together on numerous occasions....they have seen me cry more times than they will ever be able to remember....as a result, I believe the connnection is very strong.

To be sure, we have also had a lot of fun, happy, light times. We have not quit living over the past 3 1/2 years. We have made some incredible memories together. Those memories are treasured by all of us beause we understand how important it is to make memories.

In addition, my kids still have a strong heart connection with their dad....I am thankful that he invested in them heavily so that they have many memories to draw from when they want/need to feel connected with their dad.

A blessing in disguise was recognized today....we have worked hard (as hard as I have ever worked at anything in my life) to grow forward as a family and to express emotion with each other authentically....and I am grateful for the strong relationship that has developed with my kids (it's not perfect by any means, and there will be many tests of it as they get older....)....but, I do have a lot of hope and faith that my kids are going to be more than just ok.....and for that, I am grateful.

Fun Times with the Family....

We carved pumpkins this afternoon. The kids consider this another tradition that can't be dropped. I guess I enjoy it too. I don't like the mess it makes but the kids always look forward to it. This is proably the last Halloween that we will have the table in our backyard. I am having some trees cut down in my yard because they are dead and this table is on the list of things for them to haul off. The wood is splitting and rotted. I tried treating it a couple of years ago and it helped a little. Brian built this one summer and the kids think it is special because he made it. It is special, but it is also falling apart. I guess we'll figure out where the new pumpkin carving spot is next year....

We have had lots of interesting conversations lately. Braden has become the child who isn't afraid to bring any topic up. Whatever is on his mind, he asks about it or talks about it. There are no taboo topics for him....and that keeps life interesting for the rest of us.

Last night we talked about what I would do if God put a baby in my tummy, if I was going to get married again, and a few other uncomfortable issues. Braden doesn't accept the simple answers. He has to ask a millon questions in order to try to wrap his mind around it. He could not understand why God couldn't put a baby in my tummy right now. He apparently has decided he would like to be a big brother. We went round and round and round on this issue. I even heard myself say "Braden, Iam too old to have a baby....God wouldn't do that...." That one hurt a little....to be admitting that I am getting "older" and past the child-bearing stage....ouch.

No, I don't want anymore babies....for obvious reasons...but even if Brian were here I wouldn't be interested...it's nice to have moved past that stage in life. Although, I wouldn't trade it for the world....I just am glad we are past that....amen!

I emailed my paper off to my professors this afternoon. It sure felt good to be done with another major paper. I still have the presentation to prepare for and I have some ideas but not sure I can make it all happen. I found a great Saturday Night Skit but I can't figure out how to download it to my computer. My paper is on overindulgence and entitlement. http://www.hulu.com/watch/38477/saturday-night-live-update-thursday-fix-it-109
(the "fix it" skit is midway through the video....you'll know you are there when Oscar Rogers comes on as the financial advisor for the weekend update)


The link above takes you to the skit... It's a reflection of the entitlement our country suffers from...we want someone else to fix it and we want it done NOW....and no one wants to take responsibility for their own bad choices...we just want the government to rescue us all....but that's not really what the paper is about, it's more about overindulgence and entitlement in families....

I have learned a lot by writing this paper....my kids have gotten several lectures from me...one of them was tonight. They have actually responded very well to some of the talks we have had. I am sure when they grow up the will need counseling from all the "by the way kids, I learned something today that I want us to talk about...." type conversations that we have been having.

Lots of fun times with the family lately....for that (and being done with my paper) I am grateful.

An Unlikely Day: Part Two

Last week I had an opportunity to visit with a lady who randomly picked our church to call and ask to talk to a minister. (See prior post)

Today, she came back for another visit. We spent another hour or so talking and trying to work through some of her faith questions and life issues.

I share this story because I want to be reminded of how God is able to bring good out of tragedy. I also want to give Him glory for the work He does in our lives and for how He is able to use our wounded lives to minister to others.

This post is not about me. It's about a realization that God is GOD. It's about my amazement as I consider the journey I have been on and the way He finds ways to use me and bring glory to Himself.

Towards the end of our time together she gave me several high compliments. I was caught off guard by how "effective" I had been for her. She is a professional lady, secure financially, and well educated. I guess I was a little surprised that she would find me to be so "effective" in helping her deal with some of her issues. To be honest, I felt inadequate at times as we were talking. She had lots of heady questions and posed many interesting thought lines.

Yet, in her mind, (and I quote) "she gained more wisdom and insight in the two visits we had than in all the counseling sessions she had been to and all the counselors she had ever seen". She attributed it to the fact that "I understood"...."I knew what it was like to experience loss"...."I had been there"

She knew this because I shared just a brief part of my story the first time we visited. I don't always do that but this time it seemed appropriate and I guess it worked.

To be fair, this hasn't been an official counseling relationship. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing about it on this blog. She came wanting to visit with a "minister" not a "counselor". I had my "minister" hat on when she came to my office in the main church. I joked with her today and said "you requested to talk to a minister, it just so happened I was also a counselor".

So, the point of this blog. It's not about patting myself on the back. I have no skill apart from God. He deserves the Glory. The point is that God is using my experience to help others. He is giving me an influence that I would have never had before.

I suppose that all of us find significance when God is able to use the unique parts of our lives to minister to others. We tend to think about the people who are able to give profound testimonies in front of large audiences as people who are "truly being used by God". Yet, today, I realized that God is using me one person at a time. He is giving me brief opportunities to minister to different people who are usually in crisis. I find fulfillment in that.....and for that I am grateful.

Meet "Shelly the Plumber"

My job description grew today when I put on my plumber's hat and made quite a memory with the kids.

I was peeling carrots for the soup I am making for tomorrow's dinner for supper club. Instead of putting the peels in the trash I opted for the easy way and decided to put them down the disposal. Bad choice. As a result, my sink got clogged and I was faced with a plumbing issue that had to be solved.

I tried several things to try to unclog the sink. I sent Braden to get the plunger and even tried using it multiple times with no results.

By this time the crowd had gathered and the kids were curious as to what I was doing.

Without any hesitation I decided to look under the sink and try to figure out what was going on. Imagine me with my head stuck under the sink and all three kids peering in trying to see what I was doing. It would have been a priceless picture.

I quickly (and I was so impressed with myself) realized what the issue had to be. It had to be that the pipe was clogged from the disposal to the main pipe. I knew this because I ran water down the other side of the drain and it did not get clogged.

So, I asked Braden to go get me a really big towel. I anticipated that I might have some water come out when I disconnected the pipe. Again, yeah for me for even thinking that, right?

Well, as soon as I got the pipe disconnected it showed carrot peelings crammed so tight that water could not get through it. I celebrated my find and began unpacking the carrot peelings. All the while I was bragging on myself to the kids....Look how mom figured this out....yeah mom!

Well, what I did not anticipate was the amount of water that would come gushing out once the carrot peelings were removed. Water SURGED out of the pipe and flooded the area under the sink, soaked my jeans and sent the kids running for cover.

My immediate reaction (after I yelled for them to go get lots of towels...BIG towels) was to laugh hysterically. And then the kids started laughing.....

At some point in this widow journey it became ok to laugh about the predicaments I find myself in instead of crying over them. I remember the first year or so every time something went wrong in the house I felt helpless and frustrated that he wasn't there to help me.

Now, most of the time, when something like this happens I find myself jumping in and trying to figure out....and then laughing at myself if I don't or if things don't go quite the way I expected.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't want to be "Shelly the plumber"....but since I have to be, we might as well have fun at it....


For good laughs and great memories, I am grateful.

I wondered today....

I was outside doing some yard work when, for some reason, the thought hit me "I wonder what Brian would think if he pulled into our driveway and walked in the front door?" I don't know why I sometimes have these odd thoughts that begin to take me down a thought process that is interesting and sometimes emotional.

I wondered what he would notice as being different and what would seem familiar?

Would he compliment me on the flower beds or the lawn? Would he realize what a stretch it has been for me to try to take care of it all? Would he notice some of the new flowers and bushes that I put in that look so nice right now?

Would he be surprised to learn that I had gone back to school? Would he question why I put the kids in piano lessons (especially Nathan since I am sure he would rather see him doing "sports")?

Would he think its cool that we have developed a Friday night tradition that includes pizza (his family tradition growing up) and a movie (his favorite thing to do)? The kids insist that we do this EVERY Friday....if we don't, they want it done on Saturday night.

What would he think about Nathan's longer hair? Actually, I think he would be proud that I have allowed him a little bit of freedom in that area.

How would he like the new bedding and curtains in our bedroom?

What would he think about the car I purchased this year?

And the questions in my mind kept popping up....

Why?

Why do I wonder what he might think?

Because I still love him and hope that he would be proud of the life I have tried to rebuild.....Because of the love that he gave me I want to continue to think about him sometimes....I want to wonder what he would think....I want to imagine him being proud of us....and maybe laughing at us about a few things.....like the cordless weedeater and blower I bought, I am sure he would get a good laugh about that. And, I am darn good at using those two cordless items. I don't like doing it and my allergies hate me for it, but I have learned to be rather competent at the yardwork.....


For the gift of memories and the blessing of love, I am grateful....profoundly grateful.

An Unlikely Day

Today I had two different opportunities to allow God to use me and my story to offer His grace to others. When I woke up this morning I had no idea that I would be given such distinct opportunities to minister to two totally different women.

I caught a glimpse of who I am becoming today. I am thankful that God allowed me to see His hand in my life and in the lives of others.

I was completely blown away by one lady who called our church needing a minister to talk to....she was in crisis and I just happened to be around when no one else was. I spent about 45 minutes with her and was able to share my faith with her. I didn't cram it down her throat. I had no agenda but to listen and provide comfort. She asked me very pointed questions that I was able to answer in a way that I believe honored God and His work in this world and in my life. She is so hungry for answers. She is so wounded and fragile right now. I am praying for her. She told me she had tried "counseling" and it had never worked for her. She left today asking if we could meet again. I look forward to next week and hope I will be faithful to share God's grace with her.

It was an unlikely day for divine appointments...but I had two. The other one happened in a class I was teaching this morning for our church's job corp. No time to write about it but I know we connected and it was cool to see God work in that group.


For that I am grateful.

It's been a very busy, but pretty good month. My kids have schedules that are slow-paced in comparison to some kids, but for us it is challenging. We have added some things over the past few months and that seems to take its toll on us. I sometimes wonder how different life might be for my kids if Brian were here to be another taxi. The reality is that we can't do everything like some families can. Sometimes, I feel bad about that. Other times, I am grateful that our boundaries are more defined (out of necessity).

My paper is coming along nicely. It's due two weeks from today and I have written 24 out of 30 pages. I have learned a lot by writing this paper. I am thankful for the opportunity to make myself consider why I parent the way I parent. The topic of my paper is on overindulgence and entitlement in children. It's been incredibly eye-opening, thought provoking and somewhat life changing. As a result, I have made several adjustments in my own life and I am trying to reformulate some of how I parent. When I was agonizing over whether or not I should go back to school my main concern was the negative effect it might have on my kids. In retrospect, I believe it has had a positive impact because of all I have learned in relation to children, parenting, etc. I truly believe the growth that has occurred has served an importance purpose in my family's life. Yes, it gets stressful. Yes, I still hate statistics and I see no life-altering growth from that class....but the rest, has been fantastic.

There is still some pain and hurt that pops out of nowhere and usually catches me off-guard. I realized last week that there are parts of my grief that I have chosen to openly and deliberately work through. There are also, however, some wounds that I refuse to allow to be reopened. I don't think it is denial or a lack of grieving. I think there is just some small parts of my experience with Brian's death that I can choose to leave unfinished. I may feel differently someday, but for now, I choose not to put myself in a position where someone can rip open the wounds. I became aware of this when I had a strangely emotionally charged response to a request from Brian's friend (who was in the accident with Brian) to have dinner with he and his family. It was as if I was thrown back three years. I didn't want to go and I was angry that they would out of the blue ask me to spend time with them when they hadn't so much as called in at least 2 years. I still don't understand why I had such an emotional response, but I no longer feel guilty for choosing not to allow them back into my life. I don't resent them or anything like that....they just aren't "safe" and tend to be very unpredictable. Do I wish that we had a good relationship? Yes. Do I realize that probably isn't ever going to be possible? Yes. I wish them only the best for their life. I've just been hurt by some of their actions and refuse to allow them any more opportunity to hurt me. And, truth be told, they are completely clueless that anything they have ever done has been hurtful....it hasn't been intentional....but it has been painful....and I don't need that.

And so it goes.......

The Pressure Is On....

I am feeling the stress of trying to be a student, mom and employee. Thankfully, by the end of October most of the stress will be relieved (for school anyways). I am finding it increasingly difficult to carve out large blocks of time necessary to really pump out the work. Just about the time I get in a groove in writing my paper something else has to take precedence.

I'm not complaining. I still love school. It challenges me and I am benefiting from the personal growth it has demanded. I am thankful for the opportunity, it's just difficult to really focus on anything for longer than a couple of hours.

One of the things I most appreciate about the opportunity to go to school is that every time I go to class and hear a presentation I am challenged to evaluate myself, my parenting, my spiritual life, my professional life, etc. I am often reminded of areas that need to be improved or made aware of issues that I hadn't considered.

However, there's still a lot of unanswered questions for me about my purpose and future. Sometimes I feel like the Karate Kid. I feel like I am being asked to do a lot of things that aren't completely obvious to me why I am doing them....but I keep waxing on, waxing off...trusting that God has a plan. I know I am going to school to learn but I have no idea how this fits into God's purpose for my life. So, I just keep training....putting in the work in hopes it will some day pay off.

The pressure is definitely on....I've got 9 pages written out of 30 and it's due in 3 weeks. Add to that three children who have 9 millon needs and a job that always keeps me hopping....the result is some significant stress....

For the month of November....I will be so grateful.