I'm alone with my grief now. The crowds have gone home. No one is watching. I can let my emotional guard down and not worry if someone is going to notice.
Driving home tonight I started crying. I haven't done that in a long time. The car used to be the place where I would always start crying...early in the journey I rarely went anywhere without crying on my way....It was dark and my kids didn't notice. I was thinking about what Brian would say to me if he was given a chance to say good-bye. I really don't know what he would say....and it is very painful to think about....
Being alone with my grief has allowed me the freedom to experience it in ways I haven't been able to do up until now. Of course I realize that it has only been my own perception that has caused me to think anyone was watching me anyway. But, perception is reality in our own minds. And, in my mind....I haven't felt alone with my grief until now.
It is necessary for me to be alone with my grief. Much progress has been made...many issues have been addressed....I am more relaxed with it...more in tune with it...and the strength and support that my friends have shown has prepared me to be alone with it...to face it...to walk through the middle of it....to be strong enough to work through the yucky parts....
And so I think that is where I am at....alone with my grief...trying hard to face it....determined to walk through the middle of it...in hopes that there will be some brighter days ahead...hopefully soon.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
What's the Significance?
I have been asking myself why I wrote the last post....what is the significance? Was I just feeling especially sentimental or was there a purpose for it? I wrestled with that question for a couple of days and decided there was a point to it....and here it is....
When I wrote that last post I reconnected with Brian at a level that I hadn't in a while. In order to survive emotionally I have tried to disconnect the feelings for him, the relationship I had with him. In some weird, twisted way it made it easier to deal with the loss if I took out the emotional connection....I am not sure this is making any sense....but, it was actually a coping mechanism that worked for me....disconnect yourself from your feelings for him and it is less painful.....talk about him but don't feel for him anymore....focus on your kids loss and on the functionality of the loss (spend your energies on adapting and adjusting)...but don't go where the feelings are....it is way too painful and way too personal....
So...what I found was that it was actually helpful to reconnect...yes, it was extremely painful and there were lots of tears shed...but I think it was just another part of the healing process.....perhaps this WAS the "good-bye" that we never had...it almost helped finish some business for me....I can't say that it cured my grief or that it was this huge break-through...but I do think it was significant....
So where do I go from here....not sure...but maybe I am a little further down the road....and for that I am grateful.
By the way, I guess this blog has officially turned into my grief journal...for now...sorry for the redundant theme but this is where I am at....and someday it won't be all about grief...but until then...so sorry.
When I wrote that last post I reconnected with Brian at a level that I hadn't in a while. In order to survive emotionally I have tried to disconnect the feelings for him, the relationship I had with him. In some weird, twisted way it made it easier to deal with the loss if I took out the emotional connection....I am not sure this is making any sense....but, it was actually a coping mechanism that worked for me....disconnect yourself from your feelings for him and it is less painful.....talk about him but don't feel for him anymore....focus on your kids loss and on the functionality of the loss (spend your energies on adapting and adjusting)...but don't go where the feelings are....it is way too painful and way too personal....
So...what I found was that it was actually helpful to reconnect...yes, it was extremely painful and there were lots of tears shed...but I think it was just another part of the healing process.....perhaps this WAS the "good-bye" that we never had...it almost helped finish some business for me....I can't say that it cured my grief or that it was this huge break-through...but I do think it was significant....
So where do I go from here....not sure...but maybe I am a little further down the road....and for that I am grateful.
By the way, I guess this blog has officially turned into my grief journal...for now...sorry for the redundant theme but this is where I am at....and someday it won't be all about grief...but until then...so sorry.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
If I had one more good-bye
I was once asked what I would say to Brian if I had five more minutes with him. At the time I couldn't go there. It seemed pointless...way too painful....and so I avoided the question..Until now...for some reason I have felt the need to try to put into words what I would say to him if I had the chance....
Brian,
I loved you with all my heart. I want you to know that it is because of your love that I am continuing to live...continuing to try...continuing to put one foot in front of the other....continuing to get up each day...
I miss you so much. You are constantly on my mind and in my heart....every day...every time I get still or I am alone with my thoughts....you are there...I will never forget the way you loved me...the way you loved our kids.....never....
The kids....for the most part they are doing well...they miss you and miss your presence in their life. We talk about you a lot and remember the fun times we had....you'd be amazed at some of the little things you did that they remember with such great detail...I remind them over and over again how much you loved them....I know they are going to make it....and I know that the reason they are doing as well as they are doing is because of the investment you made in them while you were here.....you were an awesome father....I am so proud of who you were as a father....thank you for loving our kids...thank you for making them such a priority in your life....
The further I get in this journey the more grateful I am becoming for what we had. You were such a support to me....you encouraged me to have dreams and allowed me to follow those dreams. We were a team....it wasn't all about you...it was all about "us". I am so grateful for the way you loved me...you were such a gentle and kind man....thank you for the gift of your love.
The days and nights have gotten easier....more manageable....there are even moments when the future seems alluring and bright....I try to reach forward as much as I can....but it is still hard. My emotions aren't always on the surface like they once were....but they are there....and I am coming to realize that those emotions are evidence of the love we shared....
I am not sure how to make peace with your abrupt departure....I don't understand it....I wish I did....I'd love to have one more good-bye....I'd give anything to have you hold me one more time....to tell you how important you are to me and how much I love you....to listen to the latest plan you have up your sleeve for your business....but we weren't given that last good-bye....and I am learning to live in spite of that....I know that we still have your support and love...even if it is unspoken....it screams at me every time I think of what you might want for us now that you are gone....there is much freedom to rebuild our lives....but it doesn't make it any easier to let go of you...to let go of the dreams we had....to let go of who we might have become....
There will be no 50th wedding anniversary party for our kids to plan....no more family pictures taken that will include you....your presence will be missed at all the big and small moments of life...but....there will be a part of you that each of us carries with us for the rest of our life.. I am working hard to incorporate the parts of you that made our life sweet....I am bringing the "best of Brian" into the new life we are building. It is the most fulfilling part of this experience....the times when I am able to bring the best of who you were into our future....
I know I can't hold on to your memory at the expense of rebuilding our lives....and so I am trying to let go of what I need to let go of in order to reach forward for the life God is calling me to live...it isn't easy and at times it even seems disloyal....to think of life being great without you in it....but...each step that I take inspires me to take the next one...and the next one after that....and every once in a while I get a look in the rear-view mirror and I can see how far I have already traveled...and it gives me hope for the future....even without that one last good-bye.
Grateful for your love,
Shelly
Brian,
I loved you with all my heart. I want you to know that it is because of your love that I am continuing to live...continuing to try...continuing to put one foot in front of the other....continuing to get up each day...
I miss you so much. You are constantly on my mind and in my heart....every day...every time I get still or I am alone with my thoughts....you are there...I will never forget the way you loved me...the way you loved our kids.....never....
The kids....for the most part they are doing well...they miss you and miss your presence in their life. We talk about you a lot and remember the fun times we had....you'd be amazed at some of the little things you did that they remember with such great detail...I remind them over and over again how much you loved them....I know they are going to make it....and I know that the reason they are doing as well as they are doing is because of the investment you made in them while you were here.....you were an awesome father....I am so proud of who you were as a father....thank you for loving our kids...thank you for making them such a priority in your life....
The further I get in this journey the more grateful I am becoming for what we had. You were such a support to me....you encouraged me to have dreams and allowed me to follow those dreams. We were a team....it wasn't all about you...it was all about "us". I am so grateful for the way you loved me...you were such a gentle and kind man....thank you for the gift of your love.
The days and nights have gotten easier....more manageable....there are even moments when the future seems alluring and bright....I try to reach forward as much as I can....but it is still hard. My emotions aren't always on the surface like they once were....but they are there....and I am coming to realize that those emotions are evidence of the love we shared....
I am not sure how to make peace with your abrupt departure....I don't understand it....I wish I did....I'd love to have one more good-bye....I'd give anything to have you hold me one more time....to tell you how important you are to me and how much I love you....to listen to the latest plan you have up your sleeve for your business....but we weren't given that last good-bye....and I am learning to live in spite of that....I know that we still have your support and love...even if it is unspoken....it screams at me every time I think of what you might want for us now that you are gone....there is much freedom to rebuild our lives....but it doesn't make it any easier to let go of you...to let go of the dreams we had....to let go of who we might have become....
There will be no 50th wedding anniversary party for our kids to plan....no more family pictures taken that will include you....your presence will be missed at all the big and small moments of life...but....there will be a part of you that each of us carries with us for the rest of our life.. I am working hard to incorporate the parts of you that made our life sweet....I am bringing the "best of Brian" into the new life we are building. It is the most fulfilling part of this experience....the times when I am able to bring the best of who you were into our future....
I know I can't hold on to your memory at the expense of rebuilding our lives....and so I am trying to let go of what I need to let go of in order to reach forward for the life God is calling me to live...it isn't easy and at times it even seems disloyal....to think of life being great without you in it....but...each step that I take inspires me to take the next one...and the next one after that....and every once in a while I get a look in the rear-view mirror and I can see how far I have already traveled...and it gives me hope for the future....even without that one last good-bye.
Grateful for your love,
Shelly
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Transitions in Grief
I have noticed lately a few transitions in my grief. They aren't huge milestones but they are subtle differences that point toward healing.
I had Lexi's 6th birthday party at my house last weekend. It was a lot of work and a lot of fun. I don't know when I have been more exhausted....12 kindergartners is way too many in my book....I have a new appreciation for her teacher because she has 21 in the class every day.
I was nervous about the party because I didn't know many of the moms and I knew most of them were planning on staying. It is still a little awkward to have people in my home and wonder what they are thinking....do they know Lexi's dad died? Do they wonder why I still have a lot of pictures of him in our house? ETC. ETC. ETC.
I had activities and games planned but the kids were most excited about Lexi's room. Brian built an incredible castle/bed for Lexi that always seems to draw a great deal of attention. I guess because I see it every day I sometimes forget what a special gift that was for Lexi. As the moms ooohhed and aaahed over it I found myself feeling so proud and thankful for the dad Lexi had. It was almost as if Brian was there that night because his gift to Lexi was the hit of the party.
It wasn't until after the party that I realized that not once that night did I feel sad that Brian wasn't there. Not once did I almost cry. Not once did I have to leave the room to compose myself. I was actually proud and grateful for the kind of dad Brian was...the kind of dad that leaves behind tangible expressions of his love....
I think that is a transition worth noting. Although I can't explain it and it does feel a little strange, a sense of profound gratefulness took the spotlight off of the sadness....even if just for two hours at Lexi's birthday party.
Yes, there is still sadness...yes, I still think about him every waking hour of every day....but, there is some healing going on....and I believe there are more transitions to come....
I had Lexi's 6th birthday party at my house last weekend. It was a lot of work and a lot of fun. I don't know when I have been more exhausted....12 kindergartners is way too many in my book....I have a new appreciation for her teacher because she has 21 in the class every day.
I was nervous about the party because I didn't know many of the moms and I knew most of them were planning on staying. It is still a little awkward to have people in my home and wonder what they are thinking....do they know Lexi's dad died? Do they wonder why I still have a lot of pictures of him in our house? ETC. ETC. ETC.
I had activities and games planned but the kids were most excited about Lexi's room. Brian built an incredible castle/bed for Lexi that always seems to draw a great deal of attention. I guess because I see it every day I sometimes forget what a special gift that was for Lexi. As the moms ooohhed and aaahed over it I found myself feeling so proud and thankful for the dad Lexi had. It was almost as if Brian was there that night because his gift to Lexi was the hit of the party.
It wasn't until after the party that I realized that not once that night did I feel sad that Brian wasn't there. Not once did I almost cry. Not once did I have to leave the room to compose myself. I was actually proud and grateful for the kind of dad Brian was...the kind of dad that leaves behind tangible expressions of his love....
I think that is a transition worth noting. Although I can't explain it and it does feel a little strange, a sense of profound gratefulness took the spotlight off of the sadness....even if just for two hours at Lexi's birthday party.
Yes, there is still sadness...yes, I still think about him every waking hour of every day....but, there is some healing going on....and I believe there are more transitions to come....
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