Random Thoughts

First, let me apologize that my blog has become all about "me". I feel like it has become more of a journal for me than a thought provoking blog. It has been good for me but probably irrelevant to most others. For the time being, I think it is serving a purpose for me but probably not for others. Please be patient and I will eventually go back to more universal issues.

I am beginning the process of trying to flesh out thoughts related to my grief journey. This would include things I have questioned, learned or are still trying to figure out. Humor me a little with the following random thoughts.....

*There is more to my life than what I see now. There is more to this life than I will ever see.

*I can't base my faith only on what I can see, have seen or will see.

*I am trying to base my faith on who God says He is and who God has shown Himself to be.

*When what I see does not match who God says He is, then it is either a matter of perspective or timing.

*My past experiences with God are a good predicter of God's work in the present and the future. If I am completely honest, I have seen God use most every circumstance in my life to achieve His purposes. There are still some circumstances that His purposes have yet to be revealed. But, because I have seen Him do it before, I trust He will do it again.

*Healing does not mean that my emotions will someday be disconnected from my grief. Healing means that I am able to integrate the past into my present with hopes of a future that will include joy and contentment.

*Healing means I have a healthy view of my relationship with Brian. I am honest about our shortcomings and thankful for the many happy memories.

*Healing means I am learning strategies to compensate for the loss of Brian's presence in my life.
....like recognizing areas he balanced me out in and learning to try to move towards the middle on those issues
....like actively seeking ways to organize my life so that the stress of being an only parent does not harm the relationship I want to have with each of my children.
....etc, etc....

*God has shown Himself to be faithful to me and the kids in every area of our life.

*God has met every need that we have and provided excess in many areas of our lives.

*My goal is contentment, not happiness. When I find contentment, there will also be happiness....but there can be no happiness without contentment.

*I loved Brian with all my heart. He loved me and the kids with all his heart. Our marriage was not a mistake, it was a blessing. I will choose to always remember it that way and be thankful for the three beautiful children that God gave us.

*Brian and I did not do anything to cause this to happen. This is not punishment. This is not the consequence of sin in our life or our marriage. This was a consequence of being alive and living in a dangerous world. Brian made a split second mistake that caused an accident that ended his life. That is all.

*God is aware of my pain. He has comforted me in my pain. For that I am grateful.

*I do not want my life to be defined by this tragedy. Rather, I want my life to be redefined in a way that honors Brian, trusts God and moves forward to embrace the possibilities that lie ahead.

*Me and the kids are going to be more than just ok. Settling for a life of sadness and anger is not an option. We will have many joyous days ahead. I look forward to it.

*I believe there is more to be gained by letting go and reaching forward than by holding tight my grip on the past.



Nothing profound, just some random thoughts.....

A little more progress...

Thanksgiving was nice. Really, it was.

I enjoyed it.

My kids enjoyed it. (Check out the pic of Nathan...he is having a blast at Brian's parents)

We made some memories....started a new tradition.

We finished some business.

It was good.


Thank you God for your presence in our lives and for the way you are carrying us through.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my blogging friends (all 2 of them???).

I am looking forward to spending time with my family and with Brian's family. I am certain there will be parts of this Thanskgiving that are easier than the last....and just as certain that there will be pangs of sadness as we continue to live life without Brian.

I am also hopeful that I will make the final decisions related to the headstone for the cemetery. This has been an extremely difficult decision to make. I was talking to another widow and she put into words what I was struggling with...."when you are picking out a headstone you want it to be as special as the person it represents....that is an extremely daunting task." Friday morning is the day that is scheduled for this task to be accomplished...I will be relieved to finalize it.

I am thankful for many things year....too numerous to post. However, I am most thankful for the family and friends that are in my life to love and support me and the kids. We are extremely blessed by those who love and care for us. Thank you.

Time does change a lot of things....

Life changes us. Time is the measuring stick that gives us markers for when those changes occur. Some changes are obvious and expected. For example, we anticipate the change of the seasons. We know that when we turn the pages of the calendar certain changes should be occurring. But, If we had no calendar we could still mark time based on the changes in the earth, the temperature, the foilage,etc.

But, it isn't the simple passing of time that changes us....it is the events that happen to us that change us. Some events cause very little change. Other events become the focal point of how we describe ourselves. Life before "x" or life after "x".

I find my life defined by two distinct time periods. Life before Brian died and life after Brian died. I am not sure that is a good thing. I think it is a necessary thing for me right now....I have to acknowledge the stark contrast between the two. But, do I really always want to think of my life in those terms?

I want life to continue to change me. But, most of all, I think I want there to come a point when the tragedy of losing Brian doesn't define my life. I want to eventually be able to look at my life and see more than just the "before Brian died" and the "after Brian died".

And, another thing....I want others to eventually quit defining me by the tragedy I have experienced. I don't like the identity I have...the looks of pity I sometimes get from people who feel sorry for me or my kids....I appreciate and need the support of people....but I long for the day when that isn't the measuring stick they see in my life to define how I have changed.

But....how in the world does that happen? I haven't a clue...but I think the fact that I want to move beyond this identity means a little bit of healing is occurring....time will change a lot of things....I believe it with all my heart....

The ultimate failure

In my mind, the ultimate failure would be to raise three kids who choose not to serve or love God. It hit me tonight that that could happen. I see signs of spiritual life in my kids. Mainly, I see it in my two youngest kids. My oldest son is who I am concerned about. It is discouraging to me right now that he sometimes has a bad attitude about church. In particular, he has an attitude about children's choir. I don't understand why he can't just enjoy it and do his best. Why does he have to make an issue out of it?

But, that isn't really what concerns me....it's the thought of him not choosing to follow Christ. Please pray that God would begin working in his heart and life. His name is Nathan.

Endure it or Embrace it?

At some level, I am beginning to realize that I think I want to make the choice to embrace life instead of just trying to endure life. This has been on my mind since Halloween when I had the BEST time just watching my kids trick or treat. Sounds pretty simple. Why was watching them trick or treat such a sacred moment for me? The best I can figure is that I am beginning to make that choice to embrace life...to embrace the holidays...to embrace and treasure the moments of pure joy.

Maybe it is like someone who has been on a trip to another country and when they get back they can't wait to enjoy all the familiar foods and activities they missed out on while they were gone. I feel like I lost a whole year or so of my life...not much appetite for anything...and it definitely felt like I was living in another world (not just another country). I am like the weary traveler returning home....cherishing every last bite of the familiar....of the things longed for.

I have no idea how the holidays are going to hit me this year. Last year they sucked. But, Halloween has given me hope that I am returning "home" emotionally....that I am going to embrace them and enjoy them in a way that I have never experienced before. Sure, there will be down times...times when I am sad....but, I am hopeful that embracing the holidays will be an achieveable goal for me...I'll keep you posted....