When the simple things become complicated....

I need to attend a meeting on Wednesday night from 5:30-8:30pm. I have no one to watch the kids during this meeting. I have made phone calls and facebooked some teens and I am still coming up emtpy. Why does it have to be so complicated?

So, I will keep trying....but if I come up empty I suppose I have to choose to miss the meeting....and then I will feel like I'm not doing my job.....

I wish Brian were here....so that life would be simple again....and I wouldn't feel so torn between work and family.

I'm tired of things being so complicated....

Bring it on Mom!

Braden is learning to read and each night he has pages that he is supposed to work on.  Today he moved up to the next book and I was bragging on him for how hard he was working on reading and how far he had come this year.  I picked up his new book and said "wow, Braden, this looks hard.  I can't believe you are reading this.  Do you think you can do this?"  

I was halfway trying to bait him because his attention span is sometimes less than necessary.  I've learned that if I tell him it's hard he becomes even more determined to do something....(wonder where he gets that from?)

His response was...in a loud, booming voice (as always, he doesn't know quiet or soft).....

"Bring it on Mom....BRING IT ON!!!"

Vintage Braden.....gotta love him....

And, then he read it....and, because I giggled at his response, after every page he would say...."bring it on mom, bring it on".

Even though he sometimes wears me out.....he brings a lot of laughter to my life....for that I am grateful.

"Mother's Day Surprise"....by Nathan

Writing has become a very important part of Nathan's life.  Fourth grade is the first year they are given a test on their writing.  A month or so ago Nathan wrote about spending a day with his favorite person (he wrote about snow skiing with his dad).  I shared part of that essay on this blog.

This week they had their final benchmark test before the writing TAKS.  The prompt was to write about a time when they surprised someone.  Interestingly, Nathan chose to write about when his dad was still alive and they surprised me with a breakfast in bed on Mother's Day.

He came home yesterday and said he had received the highest rating possible on the test.  There were only two fourth graders in the whole school who received this rating (and he was one of them).  He was so proud.

Not too long ago they had a prompt to write about either the saddest day of their life or a time when they did something that they wished they hadn't done.  He chose to write about a ride he rode at Disneworld that he wished he hadn't ridden.  I read over all the other students essays and many of them wrote about when their grandmother died or their dog, etc.  Nathan didn't choose to write about the day his dad died.   

But, when given a chance to write something positive or when prompted to write about a good memory with someone, he chooses to write about his dad.

I am thankful he is beginning to express himself through writing.  It gives me glimpses into what he is thinking.  He obviously has many positive memories to write about his dad and when given the chance he always writes about those happy memories.

Obviously, I am very proud of his work and efforts in writing.  More importantly, I am so thankful that he has those memories to write about.  And, I am thankful that he is beginning to share that part of his world.  

For Brian's legacy of love and great memories....that are worth writing about....I am grateful!!

Thanks for the reminder...

I was checking in on all the classes today at church when I popped my head in the kindergarten class and the first thing out of a little girl's mouth was "You're a widow!"  I could tell she was so proud of the new term and the fact that she used it correctly.  

Thanks for the reminder...I had forgotten.

I was caught off guard by her loud statement of my identity.  I recovered quickly and affirmed her observation.  The teacher let me know that they were studying about widows in the Bible and that they had talked about the fact that I was a widow.  She then turned to the class and said "she doesn't look any different than us does she?  In Bible times widows were neglected and they needed people in the church to help them....."  

Oh the joys of being a widow. 

When I think of the word "widow" I immediately think of an older lady...not a 39 year old woman with three young children.  

I wasn't supposed to be a widow at 35...it really sucks.

Thanks for the reminder Payton....

Denial doesn't always work....

It's Valentines Day. I went to the grocery store this morning and watched as men were snatching up flowers and gifts. Valentines is one of those days when I can't deny that I wish I wasn't alone.

It's a hard thing to accept and get used to...that there's no one special thinking of me today.

Denial works pretty good until a day like today.

I am thankful for the love I once had and experienced, just a little bummed that I no longer have that.

Sometimes it's hard to know how to be honest and expressive about it. I don't want to feel sorry for myself or make anyone else feel bad. I just wish I had someone to celebrate today with...that's all.

2009=A Milestone Worth Celebrating

Today marked another milestone in my life.  For me, milestones are those times in life where a significant event or accomplishment creates meaning and provides impetus for change or growth.

I graduated with my master's degree in counseling in May 1998.  It was that same week that I found out we were pregnant with our first child.  The anticipation and excitement surrounding the birth of our first child overshadowed any desire I had to complete the licensure requirements for my degree.

For the next six years I focused on being a mom, wife and children's minister.  

During the summer of 2004 I felt God beginning to prepare my heart to pick back up my counselor hat and begin working on licensure.  Brian supported this decision and encouraged me to pursue God's direction.  So, I started seeing clients on Sunday afternoons.  I knew it would take a long time to reach the 3000 clock hours but I never dreamed it would take me almost 5 years.

I learned a lot in those first few months of internship.  I credit my supervisor with her expertise and mentoring ability.  We established a great relationship and I felt very fortunate to have her working with me.

It's no secret that in June 2005 my life changed forever.  I experienced heartache and pain like I have never known.  In the midst of that crisis my supervisor (who I had only known since becoming her supervisee) worked with my kids and helped me figure out how to get back on the horse of counseling.  There was a time shortly after his death that I thought I would never be able to help anyone again.  I wondered how I would make a living and how I would be able to do ministry again.  I actually remember a conversation with my dad where he asked me what I was going to do (meaning=am I going to move back to Oklahoma or stay in Texas).  I said to him with all honesty and sincerity:  "dad I can't do ministry anymore...I just can't, I'll never be able to do it...."  I couldn't fathom how I would be able to recover from the pain and hurt and the questions...and the struggle.

To make a long story short, there has been healing in my life.  The wounds are still there but the pain has subsided.  And, if I am honest, I know that my experience with loss has made me a much better minister and counselor...Only God can do that...

So, eleven years after graduation, three kids later, and almost four years after Brian's death, I completed my goal.  I passed the National Counselor's Exam and I have completed the 3000 clock hours.  I have been studying off and on for this test for about six months.  I walked into the test today with one prayer:  God, let my score be a reflection of the work I put into it.

He answered my prayer.  I am pleased with my score.  No, actually, I am dang proud of my score.  I did well.

I am confident that God has a purpose for my life that includes using this credential to bring Him glory.  I don't know how it will play out, but I can see God's hand in all of this and look forward to being part of His work.  For now, I get to wear many different hats (minister, counselor, mom, and student) and I am very content and blessed to be able to do that. 

Tonight, I'm celebrating.  I'm celebrating an achievement, but, more importantly, I'm celebrating God's goodness and faithfulness.

"Being confident of this:  He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."  Phil. 1:6

Twas the night before the NCE...

It's tomorrow.  I've studied and prepared the best I know how.

I'm cautiously optimistic.

The reality is that if I don't pass, life will go on.  I've faced worst things than a failed test.  

My prayer is that my score will be a reflection of the work I have put into it....that's all I am asking for.

Waiting ten years to take the test makes it a little risky.  There was no way I could reconstruct all my master's degree program material back into my brain.  I did the best I could.  

I will find out tomorrow if I was able to pull it off.

For this to be over soon...I will be sooooooooo grateful.

One of those days...

Life is sweet and good but there are still "those days" when I find myself sad and discouraged. Today has been one of those days. I'm sad that my kids don't have two parents to help them with all the things they need help with (homework, sports, manners, responsibility, etc.). I'm sad that Braden had very little of Brian's influence. His behavior today has been less than stellar and I can't help but wonder if he would be a different little boy if he had his dad in his life.

I'm discouraged that I am carrying the weight of our entire family on my shoulders. I feel like I have been disengaged with the kids lately. I'm studying for the big test next week and I know that I have been distracted and gumpy. I don't look forward to carrying this responsibility for the rest of my life. It's too much and I am tired right now.

I'm sad that I can't be more involved in some areas of my kids lives. Circumstances just don't allow it. I wonder what it would be like to only focus on them...instead of my job, the future, etc.

I'm sad that I am alone. I'm a relational person and I miss having that special relationship with someone.

I'm discouraged and worried that my kids aren't going to reach their potential because they are at a disadvantage in many areas. Yet, I don't know what else I can do.

I'm tired of doing homework with three kids every night. I wish their dad was here to help.

I'm sad that Brian's parents are coming in tomorrow and I am not sure where our relationship is going. I also wonder what they will think when the wedding pictures are not out and Brian's presence is more low key in terms of decorations in the house.

I'm frustrated with myself that sometimes I get frustrated with people who "don't get it". I wish I could let people's "pettiness" roll off my shoulders. I wish I wouldn't let it bother me when they complain about their husbands....when I just wish I had one.

And....I'm scared to death that I am not going to pass the NCE on Thursday.......it's so much material.....

Just one of those days.....

I hope tomorrow is better.....

Happy Birthday Sweet Lexi!

Happy Birthday Sweet Lexi!  Today you turned 8!  You were thrilled when I gave you a gift card to get your ears pierced!  You are all girl!  I thank God for the gift of you in my life.  You are as sweet as they come!  You have a tender and giving heart.  Your prayers are always so thoughtful and genuine.  I am continually amazed by your thoughtfulness.  I am certain God has wonderful plans for you.  Thanks for the honor and pleasure of being your mom.