Habakkuk

I stumbled across the book of Habakkuk today. It's not a book I have spent much time reading. I don't know that I ever have studied it, before today.

It's always amazing to me how God's Word is alive and timeless. Any time I earnestly study a passage, God speaks to me.

At this point in my life, the book of Habakkuk resonates with me for a variety of reasons:

1. Habakkuk was honest (brutally honest) with God about his questions related to God's sense of fairness and justice. Habukkuk didn't understand why God was allowing evil men to prosper. He questioned how God could allow evil to occur. It's the age old theolgoical debate, If God is good, why do bad things happen?

2. God responded to Habakkuk's plea for answers. He assured Habakkuk that He had a plan and that His plan would serve an eternal purpose. He reminded Habakkuk that justice will prevail and that He is sovereign. He also spoke truth about those who trust in anything but Him (ouch).

3. In Chapter 3 we see that Habakkuk recognized God's presence in His life, responded by worshipping God, and determined to trust God...even though things were bad, even though things weren't going well, Habukkuk said "yet, I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour. The Sovereign Lord is my strength..."


Times are uncertain right now. It appears, at times, that evil is flourishing. The economic state of our country is a reflection of greed, dishonesty, poor management, and scandal. I have been reminded that we should never put our trust in what we "build" for ourselves. God can and will use "evil" to accomplish His purposes. I wonder how His purposes will be accomplished in the coming days, months and years.

It's interesting that Habakkuk describes God as Sovereign. If you read chapter one it looks like "sovereignty" is a huge issue for Habakkuk. Yet, by the end of the book, he uses it as a descriptor for God.

Habakkuk is going through an incredibly difficult time. His country is about to be attacked by the Babylonians. Yet, he pursues God, listens to God, and then determines to trust Him as a Sovereign God.....and he finds JOY in that.

Wow....I see an example for me to follow: 1). Be honest before God with my questions 2). Listen, really listen for God to respond (Habbukuk said he would wait until God spoke) 3). Trust God. Find joy in serving a Sovereign God.

This book serves as another reminder to me that it is ok to question God. Questioning God starts the conversation....it gets the dialogue going.....it brings us to the point of being ready to listen. God isn't surprised when we express the dissonance of serving a perfect God while living in a dying, evil world.

Like Job, Habakkuk allows His encounter with God to redefine his faith and provide hope for his life. My guess is that both Job and Habukkuk found a life of purpose and joy that never would have happened had they not endured evil, questioned God, listened to God's response, and purposed to trust God and His purposes.

I want to be like them.....help me trust, really trust in the sovereignty of God.....and may His joy become my strength.

Back to Reality....studying for the NCE

Now that this semester is almost over, it's time to focus on the NCE.  I have tentatively set January 8th as my exam date.  

For me, it's going to be very challenging.  Most people take the NCE right after they finish their master's degree.  Not me, it's been 10 years!  I found out the week of my graduation that I was pregnant with Nathan.  Needless to say, the NCE was the last thing on my mind for a few years.

But, now, it's time.  I'll finish up my client contact hours within the next couple of months (3,000 hours...it's taken over 4 years).  The only thing left to do is take the NCE.

I studied about 5 hours today and plan to spend most of the day tomorrow studying.  My kids left to go to Oklahoma today and so I will have until Tuesday to get a jump start on the studying.  Then, I guess I will try to allocate at least an hour every night to study.  

Hopefully, I can pass it.  I've never failed an important test but this one is quite intimidating.  The breadth of the material is overwhelming to me right now.

A new challenge....hope I can meet it.

Top Ten Things I'm Thankful For this Thanksgiving...

Here we go...Shelly's Top Ten at Ten.....

10.  I am thankful for the opportunities for growth that have presented themselves this year.

9.  I am thankful for the way God provides for me and the kids.

8.  I am thankful for my mom who has helped me during the busy times of school.  I am especially thankful that she is going with Nathan on an overnight field trip this week so I don't miss an oral exam.

7.  I am thankful that things in Granbury have improved and that most all of our issues have been resolved.

6.  I am thankful that the corporate tax returns are completely up to date.  This is a huge relief.

5.  I am thankful that it has been 3 1/2 years since Brian's death.  I am so grateful that most of the really hard grieving is over...and that we have made great strides to rebuild our life.

4.  I am thankful that we now have a routine and some rituals that work for us as a family.  We have created a good post-Brian life.

3.  I am thankful that I've begun to understand the really important things in life.....family, faith, love, and friendship.

2.  I am thankful for a good job, wonderful friends, and an incredible church family.

1.  I am thankful for the remnants of Brian that I get to enjoy on a daily basis....my children.

And one thing more....I am thankful for God and the way He has worked in my heart and life.  I do trust Him.....I don't understand Him, but I completely trust Him......

Even with the trust....I still wish I could catch a glimpse of my future....sometimes I think I am so content to just be the best mom I can be and not worry about anything else.  Other days, I realize how lonely I am....and wish I knew if I would ever get to experience marriage again....it's the not knowing that is sometimes hard.  The future is mysterious.....but my "present" is good...a little lonely, but life is still sweet.....it really is.

Hey Mom...

I was sitting in the car reading an email on my blackberry when Braden leaned over my shoulder and said "Hey mom, can you text God?"

This weekend his babysitter revealed the fun of texting people when she had the kids text me a message while I was in a meeting. I guess Braden thought if he could text me, then maybe we could text God.

I asked him what he would tell God if he texted Him. In typical Braden fashion he said something completely off the wall. He said "wood". Confused the heck out of me. I still can't figure out why he would want to text God "wood". I clarified what he meant and it was "wood" not "would".

A few seconds later he said, "no, maybe I would text ...I love you". And, that was enough to melt my heart for the evening.

You just never know what is going to come out of his mouth.....for all the smiles and joy he brings to my life, I am grateful.

Time....

Sometimes I allow my mind to wander, and when I do it always drifts towards thoughts of Brian and the life that we shared. Today was no different. I was thinking about the upcoming holidays and wondering if I should change any of the things that we do or try to start some new traditions. Then the thought crossed my mind that Braden has spent more Christmases with just me than with his dad. Ouch.

Later, I was laying on the couch staring at all the pictures in my built-in shelves and I found myself looking at our wedding picture and wondering "HOW exactly did this happen?" How did my happily ever after end at 35? It's not so much "why" but "HOW"?

Even though it has been three and a half years, I still find myself shaking my head wondering how my life might be different if Brian were still here.

There are still some moments of "disbelief". Surely this didn't happen to me and my family. But, it did.

It's just not right.

It's just not what I had planned or envisioned for me and the kids.

I guess today is just one of those days when it still hurts.


Yet, if I am honest, I can still see the hand of God in my life. The journey has produced some needed growth. My heart is still full of the love and memories of our life together. I am content with those memories. They are what they are....memories.

The memories provide context for my life....they provide an incredible emotional inheritance for my kids....but they can't sustain me forever....nor do I want or expect them to. There are times when I think I am living on the fumes of my past instead of opening myself up to whatever may be ahead. On the other hand, I think we've moved forward at a healthy pace...maybe not as quickly as others but certainly not as slow as many.

Maybe it all boils down to this.....I don't want to spend the rest of my life reminiscing about our life together. I do want my kids to always have that connection. But, for me, to try to stay so closely connected may be an unhealthy thing. I don't want to be 50 years old still laying on my couch on a Sunday afternoon thinking about Brian. At what point does that become unhealthy? I guess if I was 70 and lost my husband then I would give myself permission to never get over him. But, I'm 38 and I don't want to spend the rest of my life wishing things were different.

Regardless of how confused and uncertain I may be, We are moving forward.....and for the most part, our life is good and sweet.....and, for that, I am truly grateful........

Growth Point

I mentioned earlier this Fall that Nathan was struggling in school with his new teacher. Nathan really wanted me to get him transferred to another class. He cried many tears over his frustrations with this new teacher.

As a result, I had a conversation with the teacher and the principal about issues I was concerned about. It was uncomfortable and stressful. I don't like confrontation and I try to reserve complaints for the really big stuff. Teachers have enough stress without parents adding to it.

One of my fears was that I had set Nathan up for a hard year with his teacher. I thought maybe she would hold it against him and be harder on him. I also worried that I had turned into "one of those parents" that principals deal with on an all too frequent basis.

So, I worried that my relationship with the teacher and principal had been harmed and that Nathan might feel some effects of that.

Report cards came out this week and I was pleased and relieved when Nathan received his best report card yet. His teacher said the most kind things any teacher has ever said about him. I am proud of Nathan for overcoming his frustrations and working through the issues. I am thankful for a teacher that can listen to concerns, make adjustments and still be objective about the performance of a child in her class.

In addition, I received a letter in the mail from the principal inviting me to be a part of our "Campus Education Improvement Committee". This committee is made up of parents, teachers and community leaders and is by invitation of the principal. I look forward to being part of a group that supports, encourages and enhances the learning in our school. I have never wanted to be anything but supportive and so this Fall was a particularly difficult situation to be in. I am thankful that my fears and worries were unfounded and that the relationship with Nathan's teacher and the principal is strong.

This fall has been a growth point for both of us. It hasn't been easy or fun but I think we did it in a way that has helped us grow in our ability to address issues and work together towards a solution.

I'm especially proud of Nathan. One of the comments from his teacher was extra special. She said, "Nathan has such a sweet, gentle nature and these qualities are evident in the way he interacts with others." When I read that I thought to myself "he's just like his daddy". Brian was one of the kindest men I have ever known. I know he is proud of Nathan too.

For my children, I am grateful.....for the way they reflect their dad, I am blessed.