Where is my buffer?

We all have those days at work when we just need someone to vent to. Brian was always my buffer. He was the one who got to hear all my gripes, all my complaints, all my hurts, etc. He was my buffer. Now I have no buffer. It has taken me a while to figure out how important his role as a buffer was...but I still haven't quite figured out how to adapt to that missing element in my life. Knowledge is one thing...application another.

The hardest thing in the world for me to do is to let something go. I have to analyze it....rehash it...think of lots of ugly things to say and even imagine saying them....I don't like it when people hurt me. I don't like it when people don't like me or question my intent or....blah, blah, blah.

I am soooo not like Jesus....and although I do want to be like Jesus, there is a large part of me that just wants to let someone have it.....I think there is a point where you have to stick up for yourself...but separating out the emotion and hurt and need to put him in his place can't get in the way.....and maybe sometimes we just need to let it go...consider the source...wish I knew the difference....

Not sure where I stand

In many, many ways my faith has been strengthened over the last year and a half. Yet, in some ways, there are parts of my faith that seem more uncertain than ever before. All you have to do is look at my previous post and you will see that I have begun questioning a lot of aspects of my faith. Yet, I still pray for others and earnestly believe God hears those prayers. I still trust God that my life is going to be more than ok. I still rely on Him every single day to manage the life I now have. I still believe. I really, really do.

But (you knew there was a but coming), I am not sure where I stand with my understanding of God. I go back and forth between a couple of different views of how God works in our lives. I heard a song today that was beautiful...the words were very simple...."I know the plans I have for you, they are good for you, they are good for you..I know the plans I have for you..." I found myself singing along....smiling....trusting....believing....but also questioning. How can that be true? I don't see what has happened to me as a "good plan". Yes, I know I have a limited perspective...God has an eternal perspective....but there is nothing good about my children losing their father....NOTHING.

How is it that I feel so blessed by God's presence...so touched by His love and care...so overwhelmed by the kindness and support of His people...and yet still feel confused by His ways....I feel like a phony. I do trust and I do believe and I don't know where I'd be without God....but I still have so many questions and doubts....

Just not sure where I stand....either I have grown a lot or I am talking myself out of my faith....

How involved is God in our life?

How involved do you believe God is in our life? This question has been running through my mind lately. I can't quite seem to grasp how to view God's work in our lives.

If you were to take a poll and these were your options to the question...."How involved is God in your life?" what would be your answer....

A). God is involved in every single area of my life.
B). God is not all that involved in some areas of my life.
C). God has a hands-off philosophy with his creation. He set it in motion, but He rarely intervenes or interferes.
D). Everything that happens to us is a direct result of our own choices. There is not anything in life that happens to us that we don't somehow deserve.


Not a very good selection of answers I know.....but I thought it might get some of us to thinking or responding.

I was talking to someone today at church and she mentioned how rampant the view of "we get what we deserve" from God is in her sphere of influence. It, of course, made me wonder what those type of people thought I had done to deserve to lose my husband at 35. Sure, he wasn't perfect and neither am I....but I see so many other people who live every day of their life thumbing their nose at God...why is that they are still here and many of them living full and long lives?

I know logically that that type of thinking is dangerous.....but why is it so rampant? Or, is it just a matter of time before those type of people will have to seriously reconsider those type of assumptions.

But, the question is still there....exactly, how involved is God in my life? Is there even a point to praying...if He is so uninvolved then why pray?

I know that I have felt His presence in my life. His presence has been extremely powerful....but...I just don't quite understand how it all works.....


Shelly

Do you remember when......

Do you remember when your faith was brand new....when you made the decision to follow Christ?

I remember how passionate I was about my decision. I remember how convicted I was. I remember how simple my faith was. I remember how obnoxious I was to my friends who weren't believers....

I think I have said this before, but....the older I get the more I realize how little I know and understand about God. I don't make faith decisions like I used to....I analyze every agonizing detail about every decision I make. I question people who seem to think they have God wrapped around their little finger.....as though everything in this world that happens is a direct result of their relationship with God....

It really annoys me when I hear people giving God credit for things that I just don't believe He had much to do with....I struggle with knowing how much we sometimes use God to rationalize our decisions or to make ourselves seem spiritual....and, to be really honest.....gut level honest....I have wondered if sometimes I just use God as my coping mechanism too....especially through the grief journey.

What is our faith supposed to look like? How do we balance good critical thinking skills and good decision making with trying to follow God, wherever He leads, whatever He says...

I think I have made my faith far too complex...I haven't lost my faith...I just am not sure how to use my faith anymore.....without questioning myself too much....without wondering if I will be wrong again......

Tired.....and a little down

So, the holidays were great. Made a lot of memories with the kids...had a great time with family. Brian's headstone was set and I got to see it as they were putting it in....which was a gift because I am not in Oklahoma very often and they just happened to get it done unexpectedly on December 26th....so, it was nice to have that done and get to see it.

Now, I am just tired and a little down. Not much to look forward to I guess....I miss being married....I miss Brian....I wish he were here to see the kids growing and developing....and to help me with all the "stuff" that goes with being a parent.

I asked myself the other day.....how am I supposed to look at life? Has the best already passed....or is the best yet to come? How could it possibly be that the best has already happened in my life and now I just have to "get through it"? I don't like that viewpoint. On the other hand, how could I possibly think the best is yet to come when I was so happy with my life with Brian in it.....I really just don't get it....don't know how I ended up this way....don't know how to quit wishing I understood where my life was headed.....

See why I am tired and a little down?


yeah, yeah...blah, blah, blah....