In many, many ways my faith has been strengthened over the last year and a half. Yet, in some ways, there are parts of my faith that seem more uncertain than ever before. All you have to do is look at my previous post and you will see that I have begun questioning a lot of aspects of my faith. Yet, I still pray for others and earnestly believe God hears those prayers. I still trust God that my life is going to be more than ok. I still rely on Him every single day to manage the life I now have. I still believe. I really, really do.
But (you knew there was a but coming), I am not sure where I stand with my understanding of God. I go back and forth between a couple of different views of how God works in our lives. I heard a song today that was beautiful...the words were very simple...."I know the plans I have for you, they are good for you, they are good for you..I know the plans I have for you..." I found myself singing along....smiling....trusting....believing....but also questioning. How can that be true? I don't see what has happened to me as a "good plan". Yes, I know I have a limited perspective...God has an eternal perspective....but there is nothing good about my children losing their father....NOTHING.
How is it that I feel so blessed by God's presence...so touched by His love and care...so overwhelmed by the kindness and support of His people...and yet still feel confused by His ways....I feel like a phony. I do trust and I do believe and I don't know where I'd be without God....but I still have so many questions and doubts....
Just not sure where I stand....either I have grown a lot or I am talking myself out of my faith....
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4 comments:
The very first thought that came to my mind when I read this was...
1. You are not phony.
2. You are not talking yourself out of your faith. You are growing in your faith.
Remember that quote that I shared with you many months ago..the one about livingin the midst of questions? "Faith is the gift of God that allows you to live in the midst of questions." I feel like there is not a lot I can say to offer encouragement because I too struggle with those same questions. Yet, every day I remind myself of those things that I believe about God and go from there. Some days that is enough and other days it's not.
I'm am beginning to think that you don't have to have it all figured out to have faith in God. However, putting that into practice is something totally different. How God works? That is the $1 million question. I, of course, don't know the answer, but I do know that He works. And I certainly know that there is NOTHING good about your kids losing their father and you losing your husband. So, hang on to those things that you believe about God and continue to ask your questions. I don't have the answers, but maybe we can struggle with them together.
"There are parts of my faith that seem more uncertain than ever before." That's understandable, all things considered. Without our questions what would our faith look like? Like everyone else's. Your questions are a part of your transformtion, your renewing of your mind, a renewing of your faith so to speak. If we had God figured out, or our faith figured out for that matter, I think we would then be able to put God in a box about the size of this comment box.
There are a lot things about God we don't understand, and it is our nature to want to understand, but don't confuse questions with doubt. We can question whether God is faithful, or loving, or just, or kind, and He will show us these things about Him. But when we start to doubt those things about God then it makes it harder for Him to work in our lives. With questions there is always hope, with doubt there is done.
Continue to press on Shelly, and may you find your peace.
B~
Thanks Smitty and Bruce...you've given me some things to think about.
It was helpful to think about questions versus doubts. I think that helps me give myself permission to have those questions without feeling like a phony.
The core issue for me is how to integrate this experience into my faith. In other words, how does this experience fit what I know about God and how He works....
I will get there....thanks for your encouragement....
Somedays I do wonder if I'm crazy or not.....
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