So, the holidays were great. Made a lot of memories with the kids...had a great time with family. Brian's headstone was set and I got to see it as they were putting it in....which was a gift because I am not in Oklahoma very often and they just happened to get it done unexpectedly on December 26th....so, it was nice to have that done and get to see it.
Now, I am just tired and a little down. Not much to look forward to I guess....I miss being married....I miss Brian....I wish he were here to see the kids growing and developing....and to help me with all the "stuff" that goes with being a parent.
I asked myself the other day.....how am I supposed to look at life? Has the best already passed....or is the best yet to come? How could it possibly be that the best has already happened in my life and now I just have to "get through it"? I don't like that viewpoint. On the other hand, how could I possibly think the best is yet to come when I was so happy with my life with Brian in it.....I really just don't get it....don't know how I ended up this way....don't know how to quit wishing I understood where my life was headed.....
See why I am tired and a little down?
yeah, yeah...blah, blah, blah....
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4 comments:
Happy New year! I'm glad you and the kids had a good Christmas.
Best was? Or best is yet to come? I think...both. You are in for a different kind of "best." You can't replace what you and Brian had (nor would you want to). But life with your children (a continuation of the past "best") will give you great joy, and someday you'll back over your life and see that it was "the best of times, it was the worst of times." I read recently where loss isn't the end of something, it's the beginning of something new. What we do with that is up to us.
Much peace in 2007.
B~
Just wanted you to know I am a lurker.....and that I do pray for all my blogging friends......I pray for you and .....maybe I should have stayed lurking.....blessings and peace in 07
becky
Becky,
Thanks for lurking....and thanks for praying....please continue to lurk.
Bruce,
Wisdom. I get what you are saying. I guess I am trying to figure out what to do with this "new" life I have. My kids are definitely the link from a great past to a hopeful future....
I want to believe that the best is yet to come....but, that seems like it belittles what I had with Brian....my loyalty to him gets in the way of thinking 100% optimistically....
Shelly
I agree with Bruce in that I think you are in for a different kind of best. There are so many more memories that you have to make with your kids, and those memories and experiences will be new "bests." Your life with Brian was best too. I can't help but think that somehow your memories with Brian will always be a part of the memories you make with your kids now and in the future. Take Disney World for example. You were making new memories with your kids and the things that Brian wanted for that trip happened. Bridging the past with the present, to make way for the future. Maybe that's all part of "reaching forward."
Wanting to believe the best is yet to come, I don't think is wrong. I think it shows that you are in the process of healing. What you had with Brian was so special that it can never be replaced or forgotten. I think he would want you to believe the best is yet to come, it will just look different.
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