Am I there yet?

The past few days I have been thinking a lot. Probably too much. I've been thinking so much that I can't see reality clearly. Maybe it's like when you can't see the forest for the trees.

I question where I am at....what I am doing...if my kids are suffering or thriving. I wonder what it would be like to have a fresh start somewhere. I feel like I have allowed people to define me and put me in a box and wonder what it would be like to be rid of all of that.

Yet, the connections are deep. My kids seem to be doing well. I'm mostly happy. I have a lot of things that excite me in my job. I'm thankful, truly thankful for my job and the opportunities for ministry.

My frustration comes with having dreams and desires and maybe even gifts but not being able to use them or pursue them for one reason or another. I find myself unable to participate in some things with my kids because of my own limitations (time mainly) or because there are barriers that exist that are beyond my control.

I'll be honest and say that my status as a single, working mom seems to have its own challenges. I live in a married world...work in a "married with kids" church...and there is no support or admiration for singles. I've seen way too many posts on Facebook that remind me how people think of single parents. One person started her status like this "If I were a single parent I would be a big, fat slob...." Nice. On the planet I try to live on there is also not a lot of love for "working" moms...we are an easy target for people who want to question a mom's love or devotion for her kids....oh the guilt and assumptions....but that's a whole nother blog.

I live on another planet.

That's how I feel. Right now.

Oh...and throw in there that I go to a school that pretty much thinks women like me shouldn't be doing what I am doing....if I were to sit down with the President of the school and tell him who I was and what I did..and then if I were to ask him if he supported me in my calling and career....the answer would be "no". I'm not sure what he expects me to do....but he has made it clear that women belong in the home...not in the workforce and not serving in local churches. I'd like to leave the school but I am over halfway through with my PhD....it would be costly (time and money) to transfer....so I am stuck in a world that increasingly has less room for people like me....I just hope I can graduate before it becomes too much to stomach....its pretty close to that now.

Yet, I know I have come so far....crossed so many hurdles....I'm just not there yet.

I'm stuck in a world I don't fit in and don't really want to be in....

I'd really like to get there....wherever and whatever "there" is.

Maybe it is just that some more of the "reality" has hit....I'm living in a world I don't belong but have no idea what world I am supposed to be in....

For the first time, I feel truly "alone" in this adventure....the support I received over the past 4.5 years was fantastic, undeserved and overwhelming. Naturally and expectedly, it's waned some and I miss the support. I don't expect it (and maybe don't even need it) and don't begrudge that it isn't there now...I just miss it. I'm thankful that we have become fairly independent, it's just a little bit lonely.

My heart is continually pulled in the direction of our community. I don't know if that is God doing a work in me or if there seems to be more freedom and opportunities to use my gifts outside the church. This past week I had 7 different calls and opportunities to provide services or counseling with people from the community. Sometimes it feels like I have more support and respect outside the walls than inside the walls. People are truly appreciative when they are in crisis and that makes me feel good and needed. I know that can't be my motivation...to feel "good" or "needed", but it is nice.

Just rambling....Am I there yet? I'd sure like to be....