Here's to 2009

It's New Year's Eve and I am home alone, and that is ok.  My kids are in Oklahoma (they come back tomorrow) and so I am enjoying my last little bit of "me" time.  If I am honest, I wish I weren't alone, but I am so I might as well be content with it.

I just installed a Carbon Monoxide alarm in my bedroom so I can sleep without worrying about my gas fireplace.  So, all should be well and safe in my home.

As I look towards 2009 here are some things I'd like to either do or do better (I am intentionally avoiding the term resolution--less accountable I guess):

1.  I want to get a passport.  I just might want to go somewhere someday and I want to be ready.

2.  I want to be less cautious.  

3.  I want to do better at teaching my kids spiritual truths and principles.

4.  I want to give more.  I am thinking of trying to do one generous thing a month for someone anonymously.  I want to teach my kids how to be givers.

5.  I want to take more risks in my work and find creative ways to do new ministry.

6.  I'd like to change some things in my house.  However, everything works fine and looks fine so it is hard to justify spending money when I don't really need it.  I guess I'd like some change just because it might feel like I was moving forward.  I know I am moving forward but my house reminds me of my past.

7.  I want to take better care of myself.  I need to exercise more and eat healthier.

8.  I want to continue my education and find ways to use my education and life experiences to fulfill the purpose God has for me.  I don't know exactly what that will mean but God seems to be giving me some new passions and desires. 

9.  I want to spend some one on one time with Braden.  I don't know if that will mean we take a short trip together or just that I make more of an effort to do special things with just him.  

10.  I want to rent a camper and take the kids camping.  No tent camping for me, thank you very much.  They have been wanting to do this and it's time I try to make that happen.

So, there it is....Here's to 2009.

Life and Gas Fireplaces

The kids are in Oklahoma with my family for a few days and so I am enjoying some much needed time alone.  I am studying for the NCE and trying to recover from a ridiculously busy holiday season.

Last night I had the gas fireplace on in my bathroom/bedroom.  It's one of my favorite things about my house.  There is just nothing like a warm bathroom in the winter (even though it has been pretty mild here). 

I turned it off and was getting ready to get in bed when I heard a hissing sound.  I didn't think much of it at first but then I got to worrying about carbon monoxide.  I laid there in bed and thought I don't want to die and I am afraid my fireplace is leaking gas.  The longer I laid there listening to the hissing sound the more worried I got.  It occurred to me that I might fall asleep and never wake up (if the hissing sound was some type of gas leak).

I decided to get up and turn off the fireplace completely.  I removed the cover and turned the pilot off and the hissing stopped.

I got back in bed and realized how far I have come in this journey.  There was a time (actually a long time) when the fear of death didn't phase me.  I didn't care if I died because I wasn't sure life was all that worth living.  I was by no means suicidal, I'm not suggesting that at all.  I just wasn't all that convinced that I should worry about death because my life had become such a bummer.

The fear and dread of death has returned.  I don't want to die right now.  I want to see my kids grow up (that thought was racing through my mind last night as I was trying to decide what to do about the hissing sound).  I have a purpose in life that I want to fulfill.  Life is sweet enough to want to keep pushing forward.   I think that's a really, really, good thing.

Someday, when my kids read this they may think I was off my rocker to think this was a significant "aha" moment.  But, I know what I felt last night and I recognize the significance of that, even if no one else does.

Life and gas fireplaces.....for the gift and joy of life I am grateful....and that feels really good!

You know you are a widow when....

My mom asked me a few months back what I'd like for Christmas. I told her I wanted a cordless screwdriver/drill. It seems that every time I have to hang something up or put something together I have to borrow my neighbors.

So, I got a cordless screwdriver/drill for Christmas from my parents. And, I was thrilled. Until, I started looking at it and noticed it was a 12 volt....and I thought to myself, I wonder if that is powerful enough. Maybe I should return it and get an 18/24 volt for more power....

And...then, I smiled and laughed to myself....thinking, "did I really just think that?"

Yep, you know you are a widow when you ask for a tool for Christmas and then wonder if it is powerful enough....

My how life can change things....

Another first....

Well, Nathan and I had our first discussion about sex tonight. He's nine years old and it was a needed conversation. His cousin, who is nineteen, just shared the news with my family that his girlfriend is pregnant. Thus, I felt like I had to talk with Nathan before we went home for Christmas.

It really wasn't all that bad. It was a fairly brief talk with mostly general information.

I was concerned that his cousin Blake would tell him all about the situation and I wanted him to hear it from me and be able to answer his questions.

My parents are wonderful parents, but they never talked with me about sex. I want things to be different with my kids. I want them to feel open to talk about it and I want them to get correct information from me (instead of relying on faulty info from their friends).

I hope the door is now open for him to ask questions and get answers. The seminar that I attended this semester really convicted me that I needed to begin the dialogue with him.

Unfortunately, Tyler's situation has forced me to do that. I pray for him because he has some huge decisions to make. I also hurt for my brother and sister-in-law because this has been a difficult thing to work through.

If nothing else, I no longer fear or dread the conversation with my boys. It was actually a very positive experience and I look forward to doing things a little differently than my parents.

For another first....that wasn't too bad....I am grateful.

For Nathan....

One of the biggest reasons I blog is that I hope it provides a written legacy of the journey the kids and I have been on. My guess is that someday my kids will enjoy reading about what life was like when they were little.

So, today, this one's for you Nathan.....


Nathan,

I want you to know how proud I am of you. Today was one of those days that God gave me a glimpse of how He has many great plans for you.

Today was our three-way conference at your school. Your teacher sat down with me and you to discuss your progress. The highlight of the conference for me was when Mrs. B. told us that you had scored a perfect score in science and you had the highest reading score in your class on your benchmark tests. Wow! Double Wow!

It's not important to me that you be "the best" in your class, it is important to be that you be "your best". You have worked hard to become an awesome reader.

I attended a presentation this week that outlined all the reasons you might struggle in school and in life because of the fact that you are being raised by a single parent. I was so discouraged after that presentation because I want you to reach your fullest potential and having only one living parent is definitely a disadvantage.

However, you have risen to the ocassion and have learned to overcome setbacks and obstacles. I remember the first three way conference that we had after your dad's death. Your teacher told us that you weren't behind in reading but you had slipped a little. You were in the middle of the pack....not the best reader, but also not the worst. She told us that she was confident you would make good progress and thought that considering all you had been through you were doing wonderfully.

Fast forward to today....3 1/2 years later...your teacher tells us that you scored the highest in reading in your class. This is an achievement that has never happened before. You have always done well but there have always been several kids ahead of you.

I couldn't be prouder of you.....reading didn't come easy for you. You really had to work at it. Now, you are soaring.

I am so very proud of you and I know God has great things in store for you....Think BIG!

Love,

Mom