Here's to 2009

It's New Year's Eve and I am home alone, and that is ok.  My kids are in Oklahoma (they come back tomorrow) and so I am enjoying my last little bit of "me" time.  If I am honest, I wish I weren't alone, but I am so I might as well be content with it.

I just installed a Carbon Monoxide alarm in my bedroom so I can sleep without worrying about my gas fireplace.  So, all should be well and safe in my home.

As I look towards 2009 here are some things I'd like to either do or do better (I am intentionally avoiding the term resolution--less accountable I guess):

1.  I want to get a passport.  I just might want to go somewhere someday and I want to be ready.

2.  I want to be less cautious.  

3.  I want to do better at teaching my kids spiritual truths and principles.

4.  I want to give more.  I am thinking of trying to do one generous thing a month for someone anonymously.  I want to teach my kids how to be givers.

5.  I want to take more risks in my work and find creative ways to do new ministry.

6.  I'd like to change some things in my house.  However, everything works fine and looks fine so it is hard to justify spending money when I don't really need it.  I guess I'd like some change just because it might feel like I was moving forward.  I know I am moving forward but my house reminds me of my past.

7.  I want to take better care of myself.  I need to exercise more and eat healthier.

8.  I want to continue my education and find ways to use my education and life experiences to fulfill the purpose God has for me.  I don't know exactly what that will mean but God seems to be giving me some new passions and desires. 

9.  I want to spend some one on one time with Braden.  I don't know if that will mean we take a short trip together or just that I make more of an effort to do special things with just him.  

10.  I want to rent a camper and take the kids camping.  No tent camping for me, thank you very much.  They have been wanting to do this and it's time I try to make that happen.

So, there it is....Here's to 2009.

Giving or just exchanging....

I have realized this Christmas that there is joy in giving, but not in exchanging.

It seems that most of what Christmas has become is "exchanging" gifts with each other.  We work hard to buy the right things for people because they are in turn buying nice things for us. Every year the list gets longer because family expands and relationships deepen.  I stress over making sure I don't forget anyone and if someone gives me something unexpected I feel like I should give them something too.  It's not that we give only to "exchange", but that is what it has become.  

Giving, on the other hand, is most often undeserved and unexpected, and maybe even not reciprocated.  Even Scripture tells us it is more blessed to give than receive....I think we have it confused and think it is blessed to give and receive.

I found joy this Christmas in "giving".  I wish I had spent more of my money "giving" instead of just exchanging.

True giving involves sacrifice and has no strings attached.  The few times that I was able to truly give this Christmas brought me the most joy.  A couple of times it was monetary but I also had a chance to give of myself and my time to a few people.  I got a real kick out of those opportunities....Yes, I think I even felt "blessed" by those incidences.

I am not sure how to change how I do Christmas next year, but I would like to try.  I suppose I have a whole year to plan how I am going to do that.

I think I understand now why all the Christmas stress is so bothersome...it's become all about "us"....and there is no joy in a life centered on us and our own desires.

Here's to a 2009 filled with "giving"....not just at Christmas either....I pray God gives me nudges all through the year to offer what He has blessed me with to others....just yesterday I was able to give a gift card to Target to someone who needed baby formula.  They don't know it was from me, no one does.  I need to give....it's what I am supposed to do....it's what I find the most joy in doing.

For opportunities to give, I am grateful.

Life and Gas Fireplaces

The kids are in Oklahoma with my family for a few days and so I am enjoying some much needed time alone.  I am studying for the NCE and trying to recover from a ridiculously busy holiday season.

Last night I had the gas fireplace on in my bathroom/bedroom.  It's one of my favorite things about my house.  There is just nothing like a warm bathroom in the winter (even though it has been pretty mild here). 

I turned it off and was getting ready to get in bed when I heard a hissing sound.  I didn't think much of it at first but then I got to worrying about carbon monoxide.  I laid there in bed and thought I don't want to die and I am afraid my fireplace is leaking gas.  The longer I laid there listening to the hissing sound the more worried I got.  It occurred to me that I might fall asleep and never wake up (if the hissing sound was some type of gas leak).

I decided to get up and turn off the fireplace completely.  I removed the cover and turned the pilot off and the hissing stopped.

I got back in bed and realized how far I have come in this journey.  There was a time (actually a long time) when the fear of death didn't phase me.  I didn't care if I died because I wasn't sure life was all that worth living.  I was by no means suicidal, I'm not suggesting that at all.  I just wasn't all that convinced that I should worry about death because my life had become such a bummer.

The fear and dread of death has returned.  I don't want to die right now.  I want to see my kids grow up (that thought was racing through my mind last night as I was trying to decide what to do about the hissing sound).  I have a purpose in life that I want to fulfill.  Life is sweet enough to want to keep pushing forward.   I think that's a really, really, good thing.

Someday, when my kids read this they may think I was off my rocker to think this was a significant "aha" moment.  But, I know what I felt last night and I recognize the significance of that, even if no one else does.

Life and gas fireplaces.....for the gift and joy of life I am grateful....and that feels really good!

My life.....

.....is not a Hallmark Movie!!!!

Just had to get that out!

It seems that every Hallmark movie is about a young widow/widower who finds a new love at Christmas time.

No kidding, my parents watched Hallmark non-stop while I was there and at least 3 movies were about this same theme.

...which led to my dad telling me that all he was asking was "for me to be open to the idea of remarriage....because, according to him, the Bible says a young widow should get remarried". To which I told him, "I never said I wasn't open to it....it's just what's out there isn't what I want....blah, blah, blah".

If only it were as easy as the movies make it out to be.....

You know you are a widow when....

My mom asked me a few months back what I'd like for Christmas. I told her I wanted a cordless screwdriver/drill. It seems that every time I have to hang something up or put something together I have to borrow my neighbors.

So, I got a cordless screwdriver/drill for Christmas from my parents. And, I was thrilled. Until, I started looking at it and noticed it was a 12 volt....and I thought to myself, I wonder if that is powerful enough. Maybe I should return it and get an 18/24 volt for more power....

And...then, I smiled and laughed to myself....thinking, "did I really just think that?"

Yep, you know you are a widow when you ask for a tool for Christmas and then wonder if it is powerful enough....

My how life can change things....

Another first....

Well, Nathan and I had our first discussion about sex tonight. He's nine years old and it was a needed conversation. His cousin, who is nineteen, just shared the news with my family that his girlfriend is pregnant. Thus, I felt like I had to talk with Nathan before we went home for Christmas.

It really wasn't all that bad. It was a fairly brief talk with mostly general information.

I was concerned that his cousin Blake would tell him all about the situation and I wanted him to hear it from me and be able to answer his questions.

My parents are wonderful parents, but they never talked with me about sex. I want things to be different with my kids. I want them to feel open to talk about it and I want them to get correct information from me (instead of relying on faulty info from their friends).

I hope the door is now open for him to ask questions and get answers. The seminar that I attended this semester really convicted me that I needed to begin the dialogue with him.

Unfortunately, Tyler's situation has forced me to do that. I pray for him because he has some huge decisions to make. I also hurt for my brother and sister-in-law because this has been a difficult thing to work through.

If nothing else, I no longer fear or dread the conversation with my boys. It was actually a very positive experience and I look forward to doing things a little differently than my parents.

For another first....that wasn't too bad....I am grateful.

Christmas with the Kids

Christmas 2008 has come and gone for us at our house. Santa came last night and we spent all day today enjoying the new stuff and the new addition to our family (puppy). It was a good day. I think I got back some of my perspective that I had lost. Relief is the main emotion I have felt all day. I got it done. I don't have to worry or stress over it for at least 360 days or so.

I have a tendency to compare Christmases since Brian died. I think about how each one of them have been different and what I have learned each year. This is our fourth Christmas without him and I think I finally understand what has been going on with me for the past month or so.

It's anger. I have been mad and frustrated that I am living in a world with an identity I never wanted. Interestingly, I'm not mad at anyone in particular, not even God. I'm just mad and it's hard to know what to do with that feeling.

The anger creeps in because everything gets magnified around the holidays. It becomes painfully obvious that our family is different than the families we hang around with or go to church with. It gets to me that I have no one to go Christmas shopping with anymore, that no one is thinking of a special gift for me, that I can't shop for men's clothes or look forward to doing all the fun things we used to do.

I'm living in the middle of two worlds....and the world I want to live in I can no longer live there without seeming out of place. The world of single parents has not grown on me. I don't want to make the transition to that world. Yet, I know I don't really belong in the "in tact" family world anymore either.

It's not that anyone else has made me feel this way. I still feel accepted but I just don't feel "at home" there any more. I think the holidays make it even harder. I wish I had someone to help me do Christmas for the kids. It's a heck of a lot of work!

I suppose another difference worth noting is that I didn't think about Brian much at all today. It wasn't until tonight that I first thought of him and knew he would be thrilled that I finally got the kids another dog. He was the animal lover in the family.

So, it's not so much that I miss "him" as it is that I miss having "someone". It feels strange to even type that but it is the honest truth. I suppose that maybe in some weird way I have been grieving the loss of my identity (for the past month or so). I'm no longer married. There is no one who thinks I'm the love of their life. That sucks. And, there are times when that feels like rejection, even though I know it's not. I suppose I sometimes think there must be something wrong with me that I am doing this alone.

And, yet, even though there has been an undertone of anger, I'm extremely grateful. My life is blessed with three beautiful children and the hope that comes from knowing God is sovereign and I can trust Him. I'm confident the ending will be better than where I am at right now.

Sometimes blogging helps me lay everything out on the table, examine it, process it, and decide what to do with it. In this case, as I look back over my last few posts, the ride has been a little bumpy but the process has been necessary.

I'm glad Christmas is pretty much over. The holiday magnifying glass of loss will soon be put away for a while. Life will get back to normal and the rhythym will come back to our lives....and we will continue to move and grow forward....for that I am grateful!

I'm....so....tired

I'm worn down, worn out and hanging by a thread.

Yesterday was a rollecoaster ride.

I didn't sleep much last night.

I couldn't turn my mind off.

I'm worn out from trying to spin all the Christmas plates.

I'm heartbroken for my nephew who made some bad choices and now his whole life has changed.

I'm sad that I am alone. I don't like being alone.

I'm grateful (and proud) that I found out I made an "A" in my statistics class...but have struggled to process some other stuff related to school.

I'm frustrated that I spent 2.5-3 hours dealing with an issue with two of my volunteers. At the end, there was no resolution, no compromise and my head was splitting.

If it could go wrong yesterday it did. The only thing good about yesterday was the email from my statistics professor.

I'm trying to keep things in perspective. I seem to be really struggling with perspective these days. I've even wondered if maybe I am depressed. I just feel "off" and can't seem to find my perspective. The reality is that things are pretty good.....so, why do I feel so bummed?

Tomorrow should be a fun day. Santa Claus comes to our house tonight because we travel over Christmas. I got the kids a puppy for Christmas...yikes! Should be interesting...they have no clue. They have been wanting another dog for a long time and I have said no. For whatever reason, I caved this week.

Here's to an exciting tomorrow.....

Time to Refocus

It's time to refocus.  

My motives have been good, but the results have been less than stellar.  

My weak spot is discouragement that comes from my life circumstances.  I don't like where my life is right now.  This is not what I wanted.  And, sometimes, I get angry because I think it isn't what I need either.  

I suppose that some of my anger gets taken out on other people.  Instead of recognizing what my problem is, I focus on something else that really isn't that significant or important.

I want to refocus.  It's no fun being angry and frustrated.  I've been short-fused with everyone, including my kids, for the last month or so.

I need to refocus.

My life is still good.  I have been blessed in many amazing ways.  I love my children and I want the very best for them.  I want to fulfill God's calling on my life.  I am thankful for the position I have in ministry.  I want to be a good steward of the blessings God has given me.  

I want to finish strong....I don't want to give up or give in.  

God, help me to see the best in other people.  Forgive me for being so self-focused lately.  I know that contentment and joy come from a heart that is focused on Your love, mercy and salvation.

 

Hospital Visit

I visited a dear lady who was in the hospital today.  It was just what I needed to be doing after a frustrating morning.  I sat down in the chair beside her bed,  and talked with her for a good thirty minutes.

I left there feeling like that was the best thirty minutes I had in a long time.  There are times in ministry when you want to rush through visits and check them off your list.  I usually am in such a hurry that I am in and out quickly so I can move on to the next part of my day.

For some reason today it felt like I should stay and sit...and listen a while.

She talked....and talked...and cried....and talked...and talked...and cried some more....and talked...and talked...and laughed....and talked some more.  

It was where I was supposed to be. 

I am thankful that sometimes God prompts me to stop....slow down....and be "present" with someone who needs to feel loved...who needs to be heard....

Before I left I held her hand and prayed with her.  It was a sweet time.  I am concerned about her health....it reminded me to be thankful for my health and to remember that life is a gift....and it can change in a heartbeat....I should know that, but I needed to be reminded of that today.

For today's visit with Mrs. Faye, I am grateful.

Pity Party Table for One

Christmas is almost here.  The kids and I have been moving at breakneck speed for the past two weeks.  Santa comes this Friday night and I am struggling to get it all done.  I hate doing Christmas alone.  I hate that my kids get drug every where with me to all the extra events and extra expectations that come along with the season.  I hate that Brian isn't here to give them and me a break when our schedule gets this crazy.  I hate that no one understands the stress and pressure that I have been under lately.  

I don't expect anyone to get that, but I do find myself extra sensitive to people who have no clue what it means to be busy. Unfortunately, I have a different perspective than I ever wanted.  I am having a little pity party today.  It's never becoming, it's never attractive, but it is where I am at.

I wish I didn't know what it was like to be responsible for everything that has to be done in a single parent family.  I wish I had someone to do homework with the kids at night, do the grocery shopping, pay the bills, buy Christmas presents, address Christmas cards, wrap Christmas presents, cook dinner, give baths, take kids to basketball and Jump Rope Club and Piano, complete a final exam, and a million other things that had to be done last week.  It's no secret that it is no walk in the park being a single parent.  Add on top of that the fact that there is no family around for me to call and get extra support every time my life gets a little stressful or busy.

I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me.  I don't want that.  I just wish I could not feel so frustrated with people who don't have any understanding of the life that I live. I let it get to me.  As a result, I say things I shouldn't sometimes.  I've got to learn to let things go...I've got to turn my own personal radar off when I am at work.....I've got some issues of my own to deal with....and I'm frustrated that I let my personal and professional life to get mixed up sometimes....I need to accept the fact that my life is different than the people I work with...and not expect any understanding on their part.  My life is not an excuse for my frustration with myself and with others....yadiyayaya.....

I'm still learning how to process things on my own and be my own sounding board.  Some days I do ok at it, other days I need help with it, and some days I just suck at it.  I hope I will eventually get to the point where I don't let things bother me so much.  I guess I just want to look at some people and say "are you kidding me?  Surely you don't think our lives are at all similar." It has taken everything I have to keep my head above water for the past two weeks (both professionally and personally).  I'm tired and in need of a break...and a little grumpy!

Pity Party Table for One.....I'm done now.  Just needed to get that out. 

It's True....

It's true....it is more blessed to give than receive.

Our staff blessed a single mom tonight with a huge Christmas gift.  I've gotten all I need for Christmas....the blessing of giving.  My heart was touched and it was one of those moments where I knew we were "doing" Christmas....we were "being Jesus" to someone....and it was so cool!

I pray God will use our gift to change her life.  Instead of giving cheap, tacky gifts to each other, we have invested in one young, single  mom who now has an opportunity to build a new life for herself.

It is true, it really is.  It is more blessed to give than receive....

For that, I am grateful.

For Nathan....

One of the biggest reasons I blog is that I hope it provides a written legacy of the journey the kids and I have been on. My guess is that someday my kids will enjoy reading about what life was like when they were little.

So, today, this one's for you Nathan.....


Nathan,

I want you to know how proud I am of you. Today was one of those days that God gave me a glimpse of how He has many great plans for you.

Today was our three-way conference at your school. Your teacher sat down with me and you to discuss your progress. The highlight of the conference for me was when Mrs. B. told us that you had scored a perfect score in science and you had the highest reading score in your class on your benchmark tests. Wow! Double Wow!

It's not important to me that you be "the best" in your class, it is important to be that you be "your best". You have worked hard to become an awesome reader.

I attended a presentation this week that outlined all the reasons you might struggle in school and in life because of the fact that you are being raised by a single parent. I was so discouraged after that presentation because I want you to reach your fullest potential and having only one living parent is definitely a disadvantage.

However, you have risen to the ocassion and have learned to overcome setbacks and obstacles. I remember the first three way conference that we had after your dad's death. Your teacher told us that you weren't behind in reading but you had slipped a little. You were in the middle of the pack....not the best reader, but also not the worst. She told us that she was confident you would make good progress and thought that considering all you had been through you were doing wonderfully.

Fast forward to today....3 1/2 years later...your teacher tells us that you scored the highest in reading in your class. This is an achievement that has never happened before. You have always done well but there have always been several kids ahead of you.

I couldn't be prouder of you.....reading didn't come easy for you. You really had to work at it. Now, you are soaring.

I am so very proud of you and I know God has great things in store for you....Think BIG!

Love,

Mom

The funniest 6 words.....and their effect...

I know the suspense is killing you.  What are the funniest 6 words?  

It happened tonight at my last Research and Stats class.  I was waiting to ask my professor a question about our final after class.  I was standing next to "the guy" in my class who probably understands stats better than anyone in our class.  He was talking to the professor about tutoring students in research and stats.  The professor looked at me and said the funniest 6 words I have heard in a long time.  He said, "you should be a tutor too".  I laughed and said "oh no, I wouldn't be good at that".  He said "yes, you really would.  I'm serious".  

I quickly changed the subject and asked him my question about the final exam. 

When I walked out of the room I almost burst out laughing.

He has no idea what a stretch it has been for me to do well in statistics this semester.

I have had to work my tail off to bring myself up to speed.  It's been 10 years since I had a master's level class in statistics.  And, to be honest, I still struggle with it.  It doesn't come easy to me.  I would have no business tutoring students in statistics...no business whatsoever....it would be the half-blind leading the blind.

But, then I got to thinking about my take-home final that is due next week.  And, I found myself wanting to do better on it because of what he said.  It's the old "self-fulfilling" prophecy.  He thinks I know what I am doing.  Therefore, I don't want to disappoint him.  

Words are awfully important to me.  If you tell me you believe in me, I will kill myself trying to live up to your expectation.

If, on the other hand, I don't think you believe in me....I will either work hard to prove you wrong, or decide it isn't worth the fight.

Hmmmmm...a good reminder to me about the power of words...and how they affect people.

Now....I guess I better get busy on that take-home final....

Still thinking about Monday....

My good friend emailed me today reminding me that there are several types of families that are fatherless.  My family is fatherless because of a death.  My kids weren't rejected, they were cherished by their father.  He left behind a very distinct legacy of love for them.  She makes a good point.  And, I completely agree with her that lumping together all children without fathers doesn't paint an entirely accurate picture.

And, while in my head I know that....my heart still hurts when I hear generalizations being made that are negative.  I never wanted to be a single parent....never thought I would be....it's an identity that is almost completely negative.  

Words are important to me.  My love language is definitely words of affirmation.  Single parents don't get much affirmation....there aren't many nice words written about them or said about them.  I think that is why listening to the presentation on Monday was so difficult.  Words are powerful in my life....probably too powerful.

Brian knew that words were important to me....he understood that was the best way to communicate love to me (took several years of marriage for us to figure each other out...but we did)....I miss that....I miss those powerful words of affirmation that he provided.

The only thing more frustrating than not feeling affirmed, is knowing that it is an unrealistic expectation or demand for anyone else to try to fill.  I am trying to learn to find my confidence and affirmation in God, but it is slow in coming.  It doesn't help when your role in life is so looked down upon....

Enough already.....this horse is dead....let it rest.

Life....God...and other random pieces of information

Life is interesting these days. For whatever reason, I've allowed myself to be a little down, a little discouraged. I'm not sure why the sadness comes and goes but it has settled in for an unwelcome visit.

I sat through 75 minutes of class today that felt like 7.5 hours. I have never wanted to bolt from a classroom more than I wanted to today. It was that presentation I had been dreading....the one on the importance of fathers in the family. For the first time in forever, I used an ungodly amount of energy trying to control my emotions and force myself to stay in the chair. I tried to make myself think of every funny story, every embarrassing moment I could possibly think of to keep myself from tearing up. I also did the unthinkable.....I surfed the internet on my blackberry...checked my facebook acount...just to divert my attention away from the presentation.

I wanted to get up and leave. It was too much at once. The information was overwhelmingly negative about the effects of a fatherless home on children.

I wanted to say "SOOOOO, WHAT should we do about it?" Instead of spending the entire time listing the 5 million things that children suffer from why don't we talk about ideas for bridging this gap. But, I knew if I opened my mouth, the tears would follow. So, I kept my mouth shut and kept surfing.

I suppose I should just be proud that I sat through it. I guess I am.

I wish I was beyond the hurt and discouragement that listening to that presentation causes. I wish I was to the point where I could offer helpful information to the group. But, I'm not there yet....but, someday, I will be there....I'm determined to be there, someday.

To another subject.....on my way home for Thanksgiving God and I had a discussion (Iwas by myself in the car for 5 hours so we had plenty of time to chat). I told Him that I know He understands me and knows my heart. And, since I know He understands me, I wanted Him to hear me say "God I know that you are sovereign.....(wipe a tear)...and I trust you.....(wipe a few more tears).....I trust You to work in my life to accomplish your purpose....."

I've struggled with calling God sovereign since Brian's death. I have reached a point where I can now say that and believe it with all my heart. Truly.

I still don't like the circumstance of my life.....nothing major has changed....no knight in shining armor has arrived to save the day.....but my heart has changed.

I trust Him. His purposes will be achieved. I want to be a part of that.

I really do.