Christmas 2007

Christmas 2007 was a sweet time with my family and Brian's family. I am not sure I understand it, but,like everyone says, a new "normal" has emerged. There were no tears on Christmas day this year. No quick trips to the bedroom or bathroom to recover from the emotional distress. It was strange, but good.

I don't really "get" how I am feeling these days. For the most part, I feel better than I have ever felt before. How does that happen? I am thankful that the waters are calm but also a little confused by the sense of "peace" that I have about my life.

There is still a part of me that feels "bad" when I feel "good". I know in my head that this is a good thing....that we are moving forward...but my heart still has a few strings attached to Brian.

Not only that, but, I also feel weird when I have an opportunity to see good come out of this tragedy...it's like "how could I feel so fulfilled and at peace" when I see the "good" when the only reason I am seeing the "good" is because of something so tragic. The price was far too high and the pain so deep and personal...it seems as though the "good" is tainted....

I also find that God is stirring some new passions in my life about how I might continue to see Him bring beauty from the ashes. Every time I find myself in a situation where I am able to provide a part of my life to someone else who is hurting, I get more passionate about wanting to do that more....

I don't know where my life is headed....but I am at complete peace about it....except for the fact that I am at complete peace about it....it's a weird spot to be in....

This too shall pass...I am sure...

I am headed to Colorado tomorrow morning with my family to ring in the New Year. I am looking forward to some great times on the slopes with my kids....and I am certain that 2008 will find God faithful in my life and in yours...