The Picture Says It All....

Colorado.....2007.....

We're Here!!!

We made it to Colorado in one piece!

We spent today recovering from the trip and we found a great sledding hill nearby. As the camera operator I was bowled over by my youngest son while trying to take his picture.....I did a face plant in the snow but saved my nice camera. It happened so fast.. I am still not sure why I didn't see him coming at me so fast and furiously.

A few minutes later, Nathan challenged me to a section of the hill that had a ramp...big mistake....What goes UP must come DOWN....I landed square on my left cheek (not the cheek on my face)....OUCH!

An hour later, I am trying to clean out my car because of all the filth that was deposited there on our 13 hour roadtrip...I got out of the car and promptly did a Charlie Brown....I fell directly on the same cheek as I had just fallen on earlier....Double OUCH! It was a patch of ice and I landed on frozen solid snow....

I am going to be hurting in the morning...and we haven't even been skiing yet...

Christmas 2007

Christmas 2007 was a sweet time with my family and Brian's family. I am not sure I understand it, but,like everyone says, a new "normal" has emerged. There were no tears on Christmas day this year. No quick trips to the bedroom or bathroom to recover from the emotional distress. It was strange, but good.

I don't really "get" how I am feeling these days. For the most part, I feel better than I have ever felt before. How does that happen? I am thankful that the waters are calm but also a little confused by the sense of "peace" that I have about my life.

There is still a part of me that feels "bad" when I feel "good". I know in my head that this is a good thing....that we are moving forward...but my heart still has a few strings attached to Brian.

Not only that, but, I also feel weird when I have an opportunity to see good come out of this tragedy...it's like "how could I feel so fulfilled and at peace" when I see the "good" when the only reason I am seeing the "good" is because of something so tragic. The price was far too high and the pain so deep and personal...it seems as though the "good" is tainted....

I also find that God is stirring some new passions in my life about how I might continue to see Him bring beauty from the ashes. Every time I find myself in a situation where I am able to provide a part of my life to someone else who is hurting, I get more passionate about wanting to do that more....

I don't know where my life is headed....but I am at complete peace about it....except for the fact that I am at complete peace about it....it's a weird spot to be in....

This too shall pass...I am sure...

I am headed to Colorado tomorrow morning with my family to ring in the New Year. I am looking forward to some great times on the slopes with my kids....and I am certain that 2008 will find God faithful in my life and in yours...

Opportunities

The past few days I have had an opportunity to see how God can take the difficult things in my life that I have experienced and use what I have learned through those times to minister to others.

It's not important the details....but I feel a great sense of fulfillment and healing when I am able to comfort others with the same comfort that I have received.

I am not even sure how to put into words how I am feeling....but my gut tells me that God is continuing to reveal ways in which He wants to use me as I continue to heal and grow from my own hurts.

I'm at peace with my life right now...and I am thankful that God gives me opportunities like I have had the past few days.

Lexi's Christmas Card

Lexi brought home a Christmas card for me today that she had made at school. Here is how it read:

To: Mom
From: Lexi


"I love you mom alot and you love me and dad does too even when he is still in heaven. I love him still too. I hope that you like this card."

Lexi


Yep, sometimes Christmas makes me cry....

Just have to laugh sometimes....

Hmmmmm.......what is wrong with this picture?

I affectionately refer to Braden's feet as "Fred Flinstone feet". He wears a 13 1/2 Extra Wide shoe and that particular shoe is few and far between to find in any store. I finally found a website that carries Stride Rite shoes and ordered a pair of light up shoes for him on the internet. They arrived yesterday. He was so excited that....yes, he slept in them. That's a first, considering I can hardly get the boy to ever wear shoes outside or anywhere else for that matter.

You just have to laugh sometimes....

Sometimes Christmas Makes Me Cry

I am not sure if this is an old or new song but it has caught my attention this Christmas season. The lyrics are below:

"Sometimes Christmas Makes Me Cry"

I THINK OF LOVED ONES WHO’VE PASSED AWAY
AND I PRAY THEY’RE RESTING IN A BETTER PLACE
I THINK OF MEMORIES OF YEARS GONE BY
AND SOMETIMES CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY

I THINK OF SOLDIERS ACROSS THE SEA
AND SOMETIMES I WONDER WHY IT’S THEM INSTEAD OF ME
THAT FOR MY FREEDOM THEY GIVE THEIR LIVES
AND SOMETIMES CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY

TEARS OF THANKFULNESS
TEARS OF HOPE
I CRY TEARS OF JOY AT CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I KNOW
THERE IS PEACE ON EARTH FOR EVERY HEART TO FIND
AND SOMETIMES CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY

I THINK OF FAMILY
I THINK OF HOME
AND SAY A PRAYER FOR THOSE WHO SPEND THIS TIME ALONE
‘CAUSE LOVE CAN REACH OUT INTO A SILENT NIGHT
AND THAT’S WHY CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY

I THINK OF A MARY AND A VIRGIN BIRTH
AND I’M AMAZED BY HOW MUCH GOD THINKS WE ARE WORTH
THAT HE WOULD SEND HIS ONLY SON TO DIE
AND SOMETIMES CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY


The chorus is powerful: "Tears of Thankfulness, Tears of Hope. I cry tears of Joy at Christmas because I know there is peace on earth for every heart to find...and sometimes Christmas makes me cry".

My heart has found peace this Christmas....and for that I am grateful.

Yep, there are still tears.....especially for my kids....but, mostly they are tears of hope and thankfulness....I'm thankful for what I had and hopeful about what God has in store for us in the future.....we are growing forward....and I can now look back and see the distance that has already been traveled....and if we can make it through what we have been through, I KNOW there are some sweet days ahead....

Eureka!!!!

I had a EUREKA! moment today! I have to give myself a virtual pat on the back....

But, first, a little background....

We have lived in our current house for five years. For the past five years I have been tormented, yes tormented, by rainstorms that happen while I am trying to sleep in my bedroom.

We had a gas fireplace put in our bedroom/bathroom when we built the house. Instead of building a chimney, there is a vent that goes off the side of the house. The fireplace is one of my favorite parts of the house. There is just nothing like turning it on in the morning and letting it warm up the room and bathroom in preparation for my morning shower.

But, I digress....

Anyways, every time it rains it makes a lot of noise and we never could figure out why. We assumed it was the vent on top of the roof. So, Brian climbed up there several times and tried many different ways of quieting the ping and pang of the rain. Nothing ever worked. So, anytime it rains in the middle of the night I end up on the couch because I can't sleep with the annoying pitter patter of the rain (it's terribly, terribly annoying).

However, today, I was out putting on the faucet covers (so they won't freeze) and it hit me....EUREKA!

It's not the vent ON the roof....it's the vent on the SIDE of the house......!!!!

So, I tried it...and what do you know? I was right......I now know what the problem is...and I am going to FIX IT (or get someone to)
!!!!!

Wooohooo.....I figured out something on my own....and now, I will soon be able to say good-bye to the couch on rainy nights......

Brian would be so proud.....he was a great fix-it man and so it amazes me that I figured out something that he didn't.....he risked life and limb climbing on the roof in the rain trying to diagnose the problem....

Ok...enough patting myself on the back....back to our regularly scheduled program....

My Christmas Angels

On Monday and Tuesday of this week I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I was running out of steam and still had a couple of big events to get through. I guess I became pretty grumpy and out of sorts. I found myself over-reacting to things that normally wouldn't have elicited such a response.

One of the main culprits of my stress was the Christmas party at my house last night that included about forty people from work. It was a progressive dinner and the main course was at my house. I enjoy having people in my home and I am always happy to try to be hospitable when the need arises. However, for some reason, this year it seemed like I had overcommitted myself and I was begining to wonder if I was going to be able to pull it off.

To make a long story short, I was reminded of God's grace and provision when two church members rang my doorbell at noon on Tuesday and declared themselves "the stress-busters" that I needed. They showed up just to help me get things ready for the party. I didn't ask them to come....they just came (one of them ran into me at church and I must have come across as pretty grumpy). Nevertheless, they were a huge blessing to me yesterday. They stayed the whole afternoon and made sure everything was ready. And, I laughed harder than I have in a long time as we swapped some tall tales and shared some funny stories. So, instead of mumbling under my breath the whole afternoon about how stressed I was, I got to spend some time with some sweet people. They came back just before the party started and made another big delivery for me. Simple acts of kindness are a clear reminder to me that God knows what I need, when I need it...and I felt like He sent me two Christmas angels yesterday...

It's the little things that mean the most to me.....and for that I am grateful...


One other thing.....I was really proud of my kids last night. They helped me serve at the party. They each had a job. Nathan filled the glasses with ice. Lexi carried around a big basket of bread to pass out. Braden made sure everyone got butter. All three of them passed out after dinner mints to each guest. They really did well. I was so proud of them because they were doing their very best to "serve" others. I thought I was going to kill them about five minutes before the guests arrived...but, once the doorbell started ringing they rose to the occassion.....yeah for them!!!

Music to my ears...

Nathan (my third grader) usually falls asleep reading each night. Lately, he has been getting more and more into reading. Tonight, I told him he could read one more chapter and then call it a night. He is reading "Leven Thumps and the Gateway to Foo". For him, this is a pretty challenging book and it is definitely stretching his reading ability. About an hour after I told him to read one more chapter I went in to check on him and he was sitting up straight in his bed reading away. I told him he needed to go to bed and he asked me "can't I finish this chapter...it only has 4 more pages".....

Those words were music to my ears....he is ENJOYING reading....Woooohooooo.....He doesn't want to put the book down.....WOOOHOOOO...

Like everyone else, I believe reading is the single most important ability to try to develop in your children. I am just glad that he is stretching himself and even enjoying it.

His question to stay up later was music to my ears....and of course I told him he could....

The Reason for the Season

Not to beat a dead horse....but I have been chewing on the whole "Blue Christmas Service" that I attended. I think it struck a chord with me because I have heard sermons all my life that instruct people to make sure they focus on the real reason for the season. I get that. I understand that. I agree with that.

However, I have also heard sermons that berated (in a pretty gentle way) anyone who allows issues in their life to overshadow the "real reason for the season". Is that really possible to deny the "stuff" that life brings our way for an entire season? Is it healthy to try so hard to "focus" on Christ during Christmas when life is pulling us apart emotionally?

I found myself feeling guilty the first year that Brian died when I didn't feel like celebrating "the reason for the season". I felt badly that at a church worship service I allowed my emotions to overtake me. I felt like I had failed at Christmas because I couldn't join in like I thought I was supposed to.

So maybe my expectations of myself were a little off....and maybe, just maybe, the church's expectations of people are a little off too......

But, what really matters...is the question "what does God expect of us at Christmas"? Does He expect us to deny the pain...to pretend that we are ok when we really aren't? Does He want us to berate believers who aren't "in the spirit"? What does God want?

I think God wants us as we are....where we are....for who we are. Jesus' birth happened in less than ideal circumstances. God didn't orchestrate a picture perfect entry into this world for His own Son. Think about it. Christmas has always been permeated by the sinful, fallen nature of the world we live in. Not even Bethlehem could produce a perfect night....without challenges and frustration....hello, can you imagine giving birth in a barn? Not an ideal circumstance.

Yet, God is able to take the "Bethlehem" of our life and make something beautiful out of it. God isn't bothered by the "stuff" that is in our barn...be it grief or greed or materialism or sadness or misplaced priorities or disappointments or failures.....He just wants us to let Him in....He doesn't have to be the star of the show.....He just wants us to let him in.....regardless of the smell and stench of our humanity.

The reason for the season may not be just about "celebration"....maybe it is supposed to be about "redemption" and "reconciliation" and "mercy" and "forgiveness"....maybe it's more about God meeting us in our Bethlehem and providing hope that His work in and through us is never really complete.

There may be another second edition later....just some random thoughts that still need some fleshing out.