Riding the Rollercoasters of life

My seven year old son loves rollercoasters. As a matter of fact, he wants to be a rollercoaster designer when he grows up. Six Flags is his favorite place in the entire world. We go there far more often than I would go if it were up to me.

Me, I can't say I really love rollercoasters all that much. There are days when I am really up for a wild ride. But, mostly, I can't say that I ever crave a good rollercoaster ride.

However, since my son loves them, I force myself to ride them. The entire time I am riding it I am thinking to myself...."it is almost over...I can endure anything for 30 seconds....just hold on....close your eyes....ahhh...it is finally over". So, I guess you could say that I tolerate rollercoasters....

And my point to all this? Don't really have one except to say that I feel like I am "tolerating" the rollercoaster of life right now. I keep thinking to myself....now is not forever...it will get better soon...hang on for dear life...keep smiling...keep going...keep trying....you get the picture.

The rollercoaster of life that I am on is one filled with unpredictable emotions. Yesterday, I woke up mad. Ever have one of those days? I was impatient with my kids. I was frustrated with every task I tried to accomplish. I had a quick temper about everything. It was late afternoon before I realized that my anger and frustration was really just an odd way to express the sadness that I feel right now. I miss Brian. I miss our relationship. I miss the fun family times we used to have. I just miss him. Some days it doesn't hurt as much and I don't long for the past so much. But, yesterday, the view in the rearview mirror looked better than what was in the front seat with me.

By bedtime I felt like the worst mom. I put my youngest to bed and decided to do "family time" with my two older kids. The good news is that we had a really meaningful time of remembering "daddy". It was unplanned but the rollercoaster ended yesterday on a good note. So, yesterday, the range of emotions was broad...but I hung on...and we found another smooth spot...for now.

Interesting Conversation

My neighbor and I were standing outside last night watching our kids play on a big dirt pile up the street from us. There was a truck getting ready to leave and we were yelling at the kids to pay attention and watch out for the truck backing out. She turns to me and says "do you think that maybe somehow Brian is up there watching your kids and wanting you to know that the kids are going to be ok. They aren't going to get hit by the truck." I didn't really follow what she was saying. I had to have her clarify what she meant. She said, "well, I just think that Brian knows you all are going to be ok. He knows that Braden will graduate from high school and he even knows that he will get married someday." So, it was making a little more sense to me....sort of. I said, "well, I am not sure if I can go there or say that. I don't really know that God has this certain path for all of us. So much changes so quickly. And, I am not really sure that Brian really knows all of that or that he is so connected to us here on earth. Would that be heaven....to still see your loved ones...the good and bad of their life?"

Those kind of conversations are always interesting to me....we all have so many thoughts and beliefs related to God's plan, heaven, the afterlife, etc....I wonder how many of them are true...or do we just believe certain things because it helps us cope (makes us feel better)....

That conversation also draws me back to my questions about "God's plan"....I just don't know what I really believe or what is really true....it isn't something that paralyzes my faith or causes me to doubt God....rather, it reinforces the notion that God is God and I am not....I will never completely understand His ways...but I have experienced His love, comfort and peace....I guess that's enough for now....

Going from "we" to "me"

One of the difficult things about the grief process is the realization that there is no more "we". Life is becoming less and less about "us" and more and more about "me". It isn't an easy or desirable transition. I'd rather spend the rest of my life living as "we" than spend the rest of it trying to figure out "me". My grief counselor reminded me of this last time we met: "We spend a lot of time teaching people how to become "one flesh", to get "close", to become "one". What we don't teach people is how to "separate" or how to "redefine" themselves when a spouse dies."

Some of my young widow/widower friends describe this as the "amputation of the soul". Something that was once there is now gone....life is forever changed and we are forced to learn to cope with the loss much like an amputee copes with the loss of a physical limb.

I have to agree with my grief counselor and wonder why we aren't more prepared for this than we are. I mean, let's face it, all marriages have a 100% chance of ending. All marriages will end in either death (of a spouse) or divorce. There is no way getting around it (unless you are the spouse who dies first). All of us will be forced to go from "we" to "me".....but no one really tells us how to do that.

I have been working at it for almost 16 months and I think I have made some progress....but I know I still have so much more "stuff" to work through. It has only been recently that I have found myself talking about "me" instead of "we". I still want to say, "our house" or "our bedroom". It is a hard habit to break.

The trivial stuff....the possessions...those really don't matter...but when I start thinking about how to make decisions that will affect the rest of "my" lfe and "my" kids life...that is when it becomes extremely difficult.