More entries...

7-1-2005

Today was not as good as yesterday. I got some good rest but I am on edge emotionally. I found myself fighting back tears a lot. The kids are doing and saying things that make it hard for me to avoid becoming emotional. They are reminding me of the reality of what has happened.

7-2-2005

Today was a better day. I got out of the house and ran errands with Kathy. We went to see a movie---that was nice.

I went with Debbie to the airport tonight to pick up Tyler (my nephew). He had been on a trip to Florida with his Boy Scout troop. It was hard to watch everyone reuniting with their loved ones at the airport....knowing my kids would never enjoy the embrace of their dad again...understanding that Brian would never be there waiting for me to come home....

7-4-2005

I don't want my kids to use this tragedy as a crutch for the rest of their lives. I don't want people to feel sorry for them or expect less of them. I want them to fulfill God's greatest desire for their lives...

It's 3:45am and I am awake. Sleep is a hard thing to get enough of...

Today we are going back to Texas...we have been here for the fourth of July...it's time to start dealing with reality again.

I want to go back to work but I don't know how I can manage everything. It always took both of us to get the kids ready in the morning....Brian always took care of them on Sunday afternoon so I could do counseling....The question is not whether I want to come back to work...I do...the question is "How can I come back?" I don't want to impose on others and become a burden. God send me someone to help me with this. How do I go back to work and minister to others when I am so wounded and hurt? No one understands that I have nothing to give...yet I need the job and ministry...help me to know when I can minister again...

For you are God alone...since before time began...you were on your throne...you are God alone......The words to this song echo in my head over and over again. What will the meaning be in this happening? Why did this happen?

I don't understand...I don't understand....My whole life has been changed...nothing will ever be the same...I want to be happy, I want my kids to be happy---how do we do that? Show your hand God...show your hand...I know you are right here...your presence is overwhelming and such a comfort.

What is it going to be like to be alone? What will it be like when mom and dad have gone home and everyone has forgotten about our struggles? I have been constantly surrounded by people since June 16th....I am afraid of being alone...I don't know if I can do it....I'm scared.....I dread it.....

I've got to try to get some rest....my thoughts are becoming irrational....