Kudos to the Kiddos!

It's been a great evening in our house!  All three kids brought home report cards and all three of them did FANTASTIC!  Nathan hit his out of the park, Lexi grew leaps and bounds in math, and Braden started his academic career on a bright note!

I couldn't be prouder of them.  My only complaint is that Braden got an "S" in work ethic.  In our grading system this is equivalent to a "b".  To me, there is no excuse for not getting an "M" in work ethic....we talked about it tonight and hopefully, he will decide to work harder this nine weeks.  Academically, Braden's report card was perfect!  Compared to Nathan and Lexi's kindergarten report card, he has had the best one of all three of them.  He has natural ability they didn't have, however, he tends to be a little lazy.  The other two kids are extremely hard workers and they have had to be to accomplish what they have accomplished.  If I can just channel his energy and get him motivated, there will be no stopping him.   

Here are some of the comments from their teachers:

Nathan:

"Nathan has truly mastered each and every objective I have placed before him.  He is an excellent reader, a spectacular writer, a great leader in group discussions and activities, and brings a wealth of knowledge and wisdom to the table each and every day.  Nathan is an amazing young man.  He's obviously very, very smart.  But he's also creative, funny, hard working, and has tremendous leadership abilities.  He has an ability to quietly lead those around him.  He is most definitely a respected friend, and brilliant to boot!  I would like to see Nathan choose an area of high interest to him and apply it some way to math or science.  He's so smart, I want to give his brain a workout!"

Lexi:

"Lexi is a thoughtful, respectful, and loving young lady.  She comes to class each day determined to do her personal best.  She is doing a great job in all areas of study these first nine weeks.  Lexi's progess in math has been amazing!!  She immerses herself in the problem and works until she solves it.  She is growing into a problem solver who is ready to take on each and every challenge that comes her way!  We are so proud of Lexi and all that she has accomplished.  It is so exciting to see all of her hard work pay off."

Braden:

"Braden completes his work on time.  He is getting better on slowing down on his work and giving it his best effort.  He has to be reminded some of the time to raise his hand before speaking out.  He has no problem participating in class and is always engaged in learning.  I am very proud of his reading and his improvement in writing.  Keep up the good work!!"

Each of them have unique strengths and each of them have room for improvement (always).  I'm thankful they are doing well.  I wish Brian were here to see their accomplishments.  I gave Nathan a bear hug today from me and then one really big bear hug and told him it was from his dad.  Brian would be so proud....so very proud...

Thankful.....so very, very thankful.

Lexi's Perspective

Kids amaze me. They have an innocent perspective on life that adults lose somewhere along the way. I was laying down to pray with Lexi tonight and I started talking to her about how she was doing and how our family was doing. My intentions were to take her temperature a little bit to see if all the stress I had been under was translating to her and her life.

I asked her on a scale of one to ten what she thought about our family. "One" is our life is terrible and "ten" is our life and family is fantastic. She immediately, without hesitation said "ten".

I was taken back that she would rate our family so high. I see a huge deficit in our family and would never be able to rate it a "ten", especially the past few weeks when things have been running at break neck speed.

I asked her why she thought we were a ten. Her answer was "because we get to do fun things and stuff...and because we have you as our parent, you know since daddy died I'm just glad we have you...I'm glad I have a parent."

I laid there in disbelief at the perspective she had. Instead of feeling cheated that she only has one parent she is thankful she has "a" parent.

She has no reason to be thankful that I'm her parent...I'm flawed, impatient, and in need of constant help from God and others...yet, she's thankful. "Thankfulness" will go a long way in her life. I told her "I think it is pretty amazing that you can be thankful that you have a parent..a lot of kids get mad at God for not letting them have two parents...you aren't choosing to be mad, you are choosing to be thankful, and I am very proud of that".

She's a pretty special gal....and I am amazed at how God has worked in her life. One of the prayers that is in my journal I wrote in just a few weeks after Brian died was that my children would not grow up angry at God...I prayed that they would love God even more because of all they had experienced. God is answering my prayer with Lexi. There isn't a hint of anger in her....maybe that will come later as she ages and realizes what all she lost...but, for now, her perspective is amazing....

For answers to prayer and getting a glimpse of Lexi's perspective...I am so grateful and blessed.

Thankful....and a little frustrated

I'm thankful for my mom and the way she has helped me over the course of the past four and a half years.  She was here again this weekend to distract the kids while I wrote my paper.  I got 14 pages written...woohoo!  There is no way I could have done it without her.  God has blessed me with two fantastic parents who have supported me and stood in the gap when necessary.  I thank God for that and realize how lucky I am to have that kind of support.

I feel soooo much better having accomplished so much this weekend.  The burden of school has lifted a little.  I know I will get it completed and it is turning out to be a pretty good paper.  The pressure of feeling like I was behind the curve on it was weighing heavily on me.  After this semester I will be one hour short of being halfway through the program...hard to believe I am that far along.  There is light peering out of the end of the tunnel....

I got a random phone call tonight that got me all flustered.  A PTO mom called me to let me know I was on their list of people who had not given money for the school carnival.  They asked each class to ask each student to have their parent give 10.00 towards the fund.  I have 3 kids and so that would have been 30.00.   Frankly, every other check in my checkbook is written to their school.  Nathan has a big fieldtrip that I have a monthly payment of 78.00 and all three of them are asking for 23.00 yearbooks (69.00 total).  Add on top of that the 145.00 I need to pay to have them in Upward Basketball and my monthly budget was shot.  So, I said "no".  Apparently, that isn't the answer they want.  But, I said it anyway.  "No, I am sorry, I need to say no this time".  

Why did they need to call me about it?  Why can't they take no and understand people have limits.  It's taking everything in me not to write an email to the principal letting them know how inappropriate it was.  I'm on a list....of non-givers....great.  Love that.  Totally unnecessary.  

So...incredibly thankful, and a little frustrated....life is always interesting...:)

What a day....

Crazy busy.  I accomplished a lot today!  This morning we got our family pictures made for our annual Christmas card.  It just isn't a photo session without tears from one of the kids.  Lexi was moved to tears towards the end of the shoot.  Thankfully, she pulled herself together and finished it out.  I was exhausted afterwards.  There is something about trying to get kids dressed and looking good that creates an incredible amount of work and stress.  I hope we get at least one good family picture from all the effort. 

Once we got back from that I went to the library...actually three libraries.  I went to the Burleson Library, SWBTS library and TCU library.  Mom is here so I was able to make the rounds and pick up about 15 additional resources for my paper.  I have never moved so fast and furious at a library than I did today.  I was on a mission and the mission was accomplished.  I got some great new books to beef up my paper.

By 2:30pm I was back home grabbing Braden to go to his soccer game.  We flew to the game and it was a lot of fun to watch.  He is improving and his team is improving.  They still struggle and Braden loves defense because he can just sit back and wait for the other team to bring it to him and then kick it halfway down the field.  Fun times.

After Braden's game we had meltdown city.  It was so. much. fun.   NOT!  Braden and I had a major confrontation and it wasn't pretty.  He has been pushing the limits and finally pushed me to the edge.  He was supposed to go to Peter Piper's Pizza with my mom for dinner.  It was a reward for doing well with the pictures.  Unfortunately, I had to keep him home and he had to miss dinner.  He was very angry.  He destroyed his room (threw everything in the middle of the floor).  I tried to use Love and Logic with him.  It worked in some ways.  In other ways, I think it just ticked him off.  The end result was good.  Once he calmed down, cleaned his room, and had a long heart to heart talk with mom, the rest of the evening went beautiful.  

Why is that kids are so affectionate, respectful and delightful after a major confrontation like that?  Once we talked it through, he was like another child.  Thankfully.  

Parenting is tough.  I don't like it when the kids have to suffer big consequences.  I don't like it when I allow them to push me too far.  I know that I have relaxed too  much with him lately.  It is so hard to be consistent, especially when you are crazy busy and exhausted.

I'm not sure how well I am doing with Braden.  I question myself and my parenting abilities on a regular basis.  I pray God is working in his life and that I am doing the best that I can to provide structure and affection in his life.  I worry about him.  I really do.  God give me wisdom and insight in knowing how to best parent Braden.  I need it.  I want it.  For his sake.

Crunch Time....

It's crunch time for school.  I've got a 30-35 page paper due the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  I haven't written a single page yet.  Typically, I would be close to done by now.  I try to plan way ahead and allow a large margin of error in terms of time.  This semester has not allowed for that.  All of the training and extra responsibility related to the grant has impacted my ability to work ahead. 

The kids have kept me extremely busy too.  Braden is in soccer, Lexi is in jumprope, Nathan is in art club,  Lexi and Nathan take piano lessons and all three of them are in runner's club.  We have something every night of the week except Friday.  Time has flown by and I am just trying to hang on for dear life.

My mom is coming in tomorrow and has offered to "distract" the kids this weekend so I can begin writing the paper.  I'm not sure how much I will really get done because we have our family pictures taken on Saturday (for Christmas cards) and Braden has  a soccer game Saturday afternoon.  But, I am very blessed to have her coming in and hopeful I will at least get 3-4 pages written.  Once I get in the groove, it should go fairly quickly.

Survival is the name of the game for this semester.  If I can just complete both seminars without any emotional or mental scars (me or the kids) I will consider it to have been successful.  I told the kids tonight that things may be a little stressful for the next few weeks.  They were thrilled (not).  I'm learning a lot on my topic, I just wish I had time to really soak it in.

Side note:  I still don't really know who I am or what I'm thinking or feeling these days.  Life ha taken some different turns and I learn new things about myself every day.  I still often feel in "limbo" in terms of my identity (mostly related to marital status and friendships).  I often wonder if I am doing the right thing, in the right place at the right time.  There are days when I feel connected to people around me and then there are days when I feel like I'm isolated and alone.  Sometimes I think I try to isolate myself because I'm overwhelmed with responsibility at home and work and I can't even think about anyone else....which contributes to my lack of friendships and relationships.  I truly don't always have any extra time to devote to anyone other than my family, my work and school.  So, I work against myself.  I need relationships but I don't have time for relationships.  I'm not sure what to do about that.  I know school is a temporary stresser.  There will come a day when I no longer have that.  Maybe this is just part of the sacrifice of going to school.  Who knows, I'm just rambling trying to figure out my crazy self.

It's Official

I will have an empty building by next Saturday. They finally told my real estate agent who came by to finalize the listing that they were indeed moving out. They have two stores in the town where I own the building and they are downsizing to one store. It makes complete sense to me. I suppose it makes me feel better that they aren't moving to another building because that would reflect on me or my building.

The truth is, they aren't making it financially. They need to cut costs and this is one way to do that.

It's been a tough relationship with them. They came into town about 6 years ago and began picking off the competition. Brian was one of their competitors. By God's grace, Brian had a few assets they needed and so they offered to buy us out (instead of putting us out of business like they did one other competitor). I can look back on that and now be grateful. At the time, it felt like we were being bullied out of business. However, it was a fair deal and we benefited from it.

My side of the story is that they were some of the most difficult people I have ever worked with. Nothing was ever good enough. They paid their rent late every single month. It took an attorney to get them to even sign a lease with me after Brian died. It was a nightmare. They even tried to quit paying off the business after Brian died because they thought they could. Again, I had to get an attorney involved to get them to make good on what they had promised. They were going to short me about 20,000.00. Can you imagine someone having the nerve to try to get out of paying a debt because the one they owed it to was dead?

I know they have a side of the story too. I'm sure there are things I could have done better and I know they have issues with Brian. But, that's all in the past. I don't ever have to face them or deal with them again.

I was thinking today. It's interesting how time changes things. Six years ago they were rolling in money and could come into town and bully whoever they wanted to. Today, they are just trying to keep their doors open. I'd say they got what they deserved but I don't want to get what I deserve. So, maybe, I'll just say that life has a way of coming back to bite you. We do in deed reap what we sow. Sometimes it takes a long time to see the justice. But, there is always justice.

I'm not happy they are struggling. I wish they could have made it because then I wouldn't need to find a new tenant or buyer. It does, however, reinforce to me that when we think other people are getting away with something, they really aren't. I can't help but think Brian would take some solace in knowing the big bully finally fell. I don't mean that in a cruel or revengeful way at all. I would never wish failure on anyone. I'm just observing the long term saga and how it has played out.

It's official. A new leg of the journey has started. I'm grateful for the way God always provides and have complete confidence that we will be more than just ok....

A new leg of the journey....

Today I think I officially heard that my tenants will be moving out at the end of this month.  I say "think" because they have yet to say it to me, but one of their employees told my building manager today what their plan was.  It's so nice to have such a good line of communication...:)  You would think it would be common courtesy to actually let the landlord know you are moving out.  I've emailed them and get no response.  Oh well, I digress.

I have mixed feelings about this.  Obviously, the reduction in income will be felt and I tend to worry about the long-term effects of having this financial burden.  However, I do have a peace about it and look forward to either selling it or leasing it to a new tenant.  I have had my fill of these tenants and I'm praying God will allow me to sell it.  I can't even begin to imagine how wonderful it would feel to no longer have that responsibility hanging over my head and check-book.  

Fortunately, I've been preparing as though this was going to happen.  I've saved and put away money from their rent checks to tide me through one year of no income.  After one year, it will start to dip into my personal savings.  At that point, I'll decide what decisions will need to be made.  In some ways that excites me as well.  It might be a good reason to make a big change like selling my house.  I love my house and my neighbors but this may be the impetus I need to make a decision that would otherwise be very difficult to do.  

Who knows where this leg of the journey is going to take me...and for once, I'm not fearing it....I'm trying to look at it in a positive light...I'm getting rid of some people in my life that I won't miss and I may get to be relieved of the responsibility of being a commercial landlord....AND, it just might force me to make some decisions that will be beneficial to me and the kids....

In summary....in a strange way...I can say...."It's all good"....whatever happens, "it's all good" and we will be just fine.

For peace that only He can give...I'm soooo grateful.

A good report...

I had an opportunity to visit with Braden's teacher today on the field trip to the zoo. I asked her how he was doing (remember the trip to the office), and she said "he's doing perfect...ever since we started the point system he has been like a different kid." Those were her exact words..."perfect"...never heard that word used with him before....:)

She went on to say that she had recently moved him to another table to help out some friends who were struggling to get everything done. Apparently, he's quite the Hitler about getting the table cleaned up and packed up so they can be first to line up and get their "points". I thought she was kidding but she was serious.

Obviously, I know he isn't perfect. Far from it...but he's making progress and he's adjusting to kindergarten and finding his place in the classroom. I'm thankful that one trip to the principal's office and a new "point" system has apparently helped him make some significant adjustments.

Yeah for Braden....I knew he could do it....God has great plans for him....he has potential oozing out of him....and I think he sweats testosterone....:) There is no doubt being his mom will be quite a ride...bumpy at times....but I wouldn't miss it....thankful for the opportunity to see growth!

Too many irons in the fire...

Too many things going on right now....

I see some light at the end of the tunnel....but I'm exhausted and not sure I will make it to the end of the tunnel.

I'm thankful for the many opportunities for ministry and service....I have an overabundance of things in my life that excite me and inspire me...sometimes I just can't figure out which iron needs to be stoked and which needs to be left alone.

I love doing so many different things...all at once...but the pace is wearing me down.

I enjoyed teaching today at the seminary.  It was a stretching experience that I get more comfortable doing each time I do it.  I was thinking today about how many areas of my professional life have been stretched since I went back to school.  It has been an amazing ride and I am thankful for the opportunity to grow and learn and be challenged.  I can certainly say that the decision to go to back to school and work on my PhD has been one of the best decisions I have ever made.  It has set into motion so many possibilities and has opened doors for me that would have never been opened.  I love the journey I am on....

So, I suppose I am grateful for all the irons in the fire....but I'm also in need of some relief from it...the great paradox....finding the balance between good stress that pushes you forward and bad stress that sends you to the funny farm....hopefully, I'll find a healthy balance.

For the gift of hope....I am grateful.

Back in the groove...

I see the light at the end of the tunnel....

Last week I was feeling overwhelmed by all the schedule demands....never feeling like I was going to catch up at home....

This weekend has been so nice....I think I am finally caught up and the kids are back in the groove.

At one point today I had Braden reading to me, Lexi practicing her piano and Nathan playing an educational game on the computer to work on his multiplication facts.  All three of them worked this weekend on areas they need to improve in at school.  Yeah for us.  It felt good to see so much productivity.

Yesterday's soccer game was horrendous.  We got killed by the other team.  My blood pressure goes up just thinking about it.  I wish I wasn't so competitive...I hate losing.

This week will be busy but manageable.  I'm teaching two classes on Boundaries at CWJC and an Early Childhood Education class at the seminary.  Both of those should be fairly easy because they are very familiar topics and ones I have taught before.  On Friday I will go to the zoo with Braden's class.  I am happy to go with him but really wish I could have a Friday just for me.  I've had grant training the past 3 Fridays and with the field trip this Friday, I will have to wait another week to be able to run my endless list of errands.  At least there are no overnight trips to manage this week...:)

I struggle when we get out of the groove and lose our routine...life feels chaotic and out of control when everything is out of sync.  I'm thankful for a weekend where we have caught our rhythm and found the groove that works for us.

For a good weekend, I am grateful.

Lexi's Baptism

This past weekend we celebrated Lexi's baptism. My parents were here along with my sister and her kids. We had a FULL house all weekend and I loved it. During the actual baptism I didn't shed any tears. I was very proud and happy and excited for Lexi. The morning of the baptism I found myself crying as I was getting ready for church. I was thinking about how proud Brian must be of Lexi and it made me realize how much he is missing.

Brian was an incredible father. If it weren't for the fact that he is in heaven, I think he would be crushed that he is missing out on seeing his kids grow up. I can't even imagine how upset he would have been had he known his life would be cut short. Sometimes I think about that and it brings up a lot of emotion.

I'm not sure if he got a peek at Lexi's baptism this Sunday...but if he did, I know his smile was unending and the tears were free flowing....tears of joy....and pride.

It's been a tough month or so....I'm ready to quit feeling sad and sentimental....

I guess this is why grief has no timeline....it shows up on important days and reminds me of the magnitude of the loss...

I'm thankful for a great weekend filled with family and friends....we had a big lunch after the service and invited friends and family....It was a sweet time....for that, I am grateful!

A Busy Weekend...and a busy week ahead!

Happenings this weekend.....

Lexi and I went shopping yesterday and got her several new outfits.  She was a pleasure to be with...truly a pleasure.  I've been with her before and we've struggled to agree on what we were going to buy (style mainly)....or she has wanted 10 outfits when I really only planned to buy a couple.  This time she didn't complain when I set the limits and she didn't get upset when I vetoed an outfit she wanted.  Yeah for Lexi!  

I quit drinking Dr. Pepper.  It seems someone hit the "pause" button on my metabolism and I think it has something to do with the extra calories I have been getting from all the Dr. Pepper I drink.  So, two days down...I had a horrendous headache this afternoon....even threw up....felt awful....but, tonight, I am much better.  I am hopeful the worst has passed.

Braden had his first soccer game.  He did really well.  He started out as a forward but mid-way through the first quarter they switched him to defender.  It was a good move because he was able to stop the scoring machine called number "7" on the other team.  He doesn't understand all the strategy and seemed clueless at times...but he did well.  It was fun to watch....my throat is a little soar from trying to give him hints from the sidelines.

Mom comes tomorrow and will be here until the following Wednesday.  I am really looking forward to her being here.  I leave on Tuesday for a training in Austin and won't be home until Friday.  I will be praying every day that the kids do well for mom and that Braden has a good week at school.  He had an all "green" week last week and his teacher said on Friday that he was doing really good.  It seems she has a new point system that he is all over....he loves rewards!

For a good weekend, I am grateful.

Delayed Impact

It's taken over four years to fully realize what I lost when Brian died.  I was fortunate and blessed to be insulated from some of the losses that many widows face.  I didn't lose my house or my job.  I didn't have to move or relocate.  For the most part, my address book didn't change much either.  I kept many of the same friends and felt the support and love of an incredible church family.

I was blessed.

I still am blessed.  I'm grateful for the way God's grace has sustained me.

Four years and some change later, I feel the full impact of being a widow...of losing my social identity....of losing the commonalities that are necessary to keep friendships going.  It's tough to finally realize that you absolutely no longer fit in with the same circles you used to fit into.  I'm not sure why it has become so obvious as of late...but it has.  Maybe I was clueless before and now I'm living more in reality...who knows?  

And, if I am honest, I am tired of trying to fit in...I'm weary of pretending it doesn't bother me to be the fifth wheel.  

I've never been in drama or theatre before.....until now.  I act as though nothing bothers me, but it does.  It bothers me a lot.  It hurts a lot.  I hate feeling the full impact...it's no fun.  There are times, as much as I hate to admit it, that I feel an incredible amount of jealousy.  I'd like to have what many people I know have....I can't deny that.  Most of the time I keep it in check, but every once in a while it rears its ugly head.

Delayed impact sucks.  

Delayed impact has got me down.

I'm working on it.  I'm asking God to help me navigate through these tricky issues in a way that is helpful and healing.  I believe with all my heart that I will get through this bump in the road.  I also believe with all my heart this is a necessary part of the journey.   I will get this behind me and when I do I will continue to see the beauty God brings in the rebuilding of our lives.

For His sustaining Grace, mercy and comfort...I am grateful.

Out of the mouth of babes....

I went to school yesterday to have lunch with Braden.  I am trying to be more intentional about doing special things just with him.  I recognize that he gets the leftovers of me more than he gets "my best".  So, it seems to be a good thing....we have had some nice times lately and his behavior has been better...maybe there is a connection.

While I was having lunch I was scoping out all the other kids in the class.  I was trying to find out which one of the boys enjoyed the trip to the principal's office with Braden.  Braden pointed him out and he did look a little mean...:)  Truly, he did.  I got the low down on all the kids and who got "green" and who was always on "yellow" or "red".  It was a very informative lunch.

I also had a chance to talk with another teacher in kindergarten.  She's a church member and knows some of Braden's struggles.  God used her to encourage me....I walked away from that discussion feeling a little more hopeful about things.

Hope is, after all, the single most important thing I have to hang on to.  I suppose faith ranks higher but it is because of my faith that I have hope.  I was thinking about this the other day while we were in the training about the importance of fathers.  One of the biggest gifts we can give single moms is "hope".  If we can convince them there is hope, they will attempt to move mountains....they will be more open to learning new ways to deal with their children...etc.

I digressed.....

So, while I was eating lunch one of the kids across the table asked Braden "is that your grandma?"  I laughed out loud.....I thought he was kidding.  Nope, he was as serious as a kindergarten boy gets.  It's a good thing he was sitting across the table because I might have slapped him if he had been next to me.  Seriously, do I really look like I could be Braden's grandma?  I have to admit that I looked down at what I was wearing and wondered if it was a style issue?  Maybe I need a new wardrobe...a new do...something...

Age is bothering me these days.  It's utterly stupid and vain and ridiculous, but I hate that I am bearing down on 40 and I am alone....I hate it....I never wanted to be a 40 year old single mom....And, if I am honest, it feels a little bit like rejection....like I am a loser to be in the situation I am in....

I know I'm not a loser....but it sure has been feeling that way lately...

I'm working on it....I know it's a spiritual battle....a stupid spiritual battle that I shouldn't even have allowed myself to get drawn into....

Plugging Along...

We're plugging along....Braden has had 6 days in a row of "green" behavior...."green" is good!  I can almost laugh about his trip to the principal's office now....it's still a sore spot but I have gotten a little more perspective.  It seems MANY of my friends have had similar experiences with their kids.  Most of them were very encouraging and helped me realize it doesn't mean a life of crime for him.  I knew that, but I needed to hear it from others.  In addition, tonight he showed me a softer side of himself....a spiritual side...a side I don't normally get to see...and that made me feel so good.  He is oozing with potential.....it's just going to be one heck of a ride!

Nathan came home today with his first benchmark scores.  He scored a 100% on a test that the teacher said to consider a 60% a good score.  Wow!  He is doing so well.  I am utterly amazed!  Who would have thought my little average boy would be knocking it out of the park as a fifth grader?  He was oh so average in kindergarten, 1st and 2nd grade....Yeah Nathan!  You rock!

Lexi did really well on her benchmark scores too.  I don't have the exact score but her teacher told her she got an "M" on them.  I worry a little about her and tests.  She tends to get anxious about tests.  However, I was so proud of her and how hard she worked on her test.  She took her time and tried to do her very best work.  Yeah Lexi!  You will get there too!

One of the really hard things about being widowed is that there is no one to share the small victories with...no one to brag about your kids to....no one to share the tears when they get in trouble....no one to "high five" when they knock it out of the park....

For a good few days, I am grateful.

Keeping it real...Family Time!

So, just so my kids don't think someday that we always had great "family time" on Sunday nights....we don't.

Tonight I had to compete for the floor....and we were talking about wisdom...of all things!

It ended with me sending Nathan and Braden to bed early....Lexi and I had a nice conversation about wisdom.....but the boys got voted off the family time island!

Just keeping it real....it doesn't always go as planned....

An Odd Time of Life

The past few months I have been realizing more and more what an odd time of life this is for me.  If I am honest, I feel just as "odd" as this time in life is "odd".  The truth is I really don't have many close friends anymore (my neighbor is the exception but I think proximity has a lot to do with it).  Life has taken us different directions and I haven't had the time to invest in new relationships.   And...there isn't  the possibility of many new relationships....not right now anyways.

I understand that I don't fit in....people don't really see me as a widow anymore (and that's a good thing I think)...I think they see me more as a single parent....one who doesn't have much to offer them and one they have nothing in common with anymore.  

I can't blame anyone for that....and I don't.  I just don't know what to do about it.  I don't have the time or emotional energy to invest in friendships....yet, I oftentimes feel very lonely.  It's not always when I am "alone" that I feel "lonely".....sometimes, the loneliest place in the world is at church....when I am around hundreds of people....I feel alone....

It's an odd place to be at....to know that you feel alone but not to be able to do anything about it....I suppose it shows some of my own prejudice too...I don't really want to be friends with other single parents...I don't see myself as ever fitting in as your traditional "single" parent....

I know I've come a long way on this journey....done some really hard stuff....had some good success at trying to rebuild a meaningful and joyful life.....but the friendships, I've not done too well on.......

Yes, it's an odd time in life.....and I'm not sure there is anything I can do about it.....

I'm praying God will either be all I need...or that He will provide some new friendships in my life....afterall, it's pretty sad when you rely on one person to help you with car pool and when that one person is out of the picture you realize how short your list of friends has become....it's not that someone wouldn't help me if I asked...it's  that I feel guilty asking anyone to do something for me because I can't always return the favor...so I don't ask...

And then...if I really get down...I start thinking about how many hours a week I take care of everyone else's kids....I think about all the people who are always demanding we provide more childcare....and that does make me mad.....

But, I digressed....I'm just lonely.....bottom line, this is never how I meant to do life.....

Such a very, very  odd time in life.....

Something to look forward to in 2010

Well, I've got a surprise up my sleeve for 2010.

Nathan and I will be celebrating our birthdays in a very memorable way....

I'm not sure how or when I will tell the kids....

It will be a while before I tell them...

I found the most amazing, unbelievable, almost too good to be true deal....

It's something I have always wanted to do with the kids....but the prices have never been affordable....

This is the one time it pays to be a single parent....this particular deal has to do with kids going free.....wheeeeeee!  Finally, a benefit for being an only parent......

So, instead of dreading turning 40 alone.....we will be making some incredible memories....

2010 is looking to start off right....

Sometimes things work out...

I'm thankful tonight because today turned out ok. We got out a little early from our training so I was able to pick up the kids from school (barely). I had found someone who could pick them up but I was able to call and cancel. I had stressed and stressed over this issue....and it all worked out....thank you God!

My mom also called this morning and she is going to stay the extra few days so that I can attend both the training in Austin and the staff retreat. Again, I had lost sleep over how I was going to work out everything with the kids....I'm so thankful for my mom and dad. Their support has been a huge blessing in my life.

I'm feeling a little less anxious....and a little more peaceful....

Braden had a good day at school. The Principal sent me an email that encouraged me. She said he was very respectful and cooperative when he was in her office. I suppose I can at least be thankful for that....Lexi also was given a message to tell me that Braden was doing really well in Spanish. Maybe the Spanish teacher knew about yesterday...I"m not sure...but she told Lexi to be sure and tell me he was doing really well in her class. Thank you for that.

I'm contemplating a trip with the kids after the first of the year....I've found an incredible deal....just need wisdom and discernment to know if it is the right thing to do....

Still waiting to see what is going to happen with my commercial building.......it could get interesting.....

For a better day...I'm so very grateful.

Got a call from the Principal today...

...and it wasn't to let me know how great my kids were...

Braden found himself in the Principal's office today for getting into a scuffle on the playground....

There are no words for how bad today sucked....

The only bit of good news came from my tax lady who called to tell me I had a refund coming that I didn't even know about...

The rest of it sucked...truly, there is no other way to describe it.

It's one of those days when every time you turn around you get hit with something unexpected...and it seems I'm meeting no one's expectations....

And, to top it all off, my dog keeps tearing up the fence and getting out....it's like Marly and Me and GroundHog Day put together....

It's one of those days when I realize what a disadvantage I am at being a single parent. The only thing worse than that is the fact that my kids are at a huge disadvantage without their dad...and without two people to support and care for them. I reached my tipping point with it all today....I'm worn out from running them to piano and soccer...and then home to do homework and laundry...and pay bills...and deal with an unruly dog....and follow through on consequences for Braden's trip to the office...

I didn't share with the other kids what happened today with Braden. I don't want him to get beat down by them for what happened. They seem to enjoy reminding him that he gets in trouble more than they do. So, it's just between us....unless it happens again and then I can't guarantee they won't find out. My profound statement of the day to a good friend was "I just hope there is HOPE..." I fear he is going to have a rough go....and I don't know what I can do about it that I haven't already tried....And...I know things would be different if Brian were still around...and that makes me feel awful....like a failure...

It's been a tough one....