Kids are always thinking....

I was reminded this week that my kids are continuing to try to process what has happened in our family. Braden, who is four, has been very engaged lately in trying to understand why his daddy died. On the way home from church Wednesday night he asked me "what does adopted mean"? I told him that sometimes when a child doesn't have a mommy or daddy that a family will choose to make that child part of their family. He asked more questions....I continued to answer them....then he said "why doesn't God give me a new daddy?"

Braden is just trying to figure it all out....his questions are difficult to answer....and many times his questions create a whole new set of issues to try to talk through with my kids....

I won't go into my long explanation about why God doesn't give him a new daddy.....but the night ended with me laying in bed with my oldest, Nathan, reassuring him that if anything happened to me that he would be taken care of and that he wouldn't go to an orphanage (because that is where Lexi thought kids went if their parents died)....blah, blah, blah....I told him nothing was going to happen to me so he didn't need to worry about that.....I told him I planned to play with the grandkids he was going to give me some day....he just giggled...

I know that I can't guarantee that nothing will happen to me....but I also don't want to encourage worry or concern....I told him that we don't know what will happen in our lifetime but that we just had to live one day at a time.

I never dreamed I would be having these types of conversations with my kids.....and I do sometimes worry about how my kids would do if something happened to me....but I can't and don't let it consume me...

Braden also asked me how old daddy was when he died....and then he wanted to know how old I was.....he's trying so hard to understand it.....

.....me too....me too....

All in a day's work...

I almost had to call the fire department tonight. I was cooking hamburgers on my new grill and it got out of control....flames everywhere.....I didn't know what to do.....had a few minutes of excitement before I ran and got the hose and shot the flames down from a distance. After it was all over I felt sort of foolish....I shouldn't have let it get out of hand....but it happened so fast....and I was MOST annoyed that my brand new grill was seemingly going up in flames....

I just THOUGHT I had become a great griller.....guess I still have a few things to learn.....but, hey, my neighbor told me exactly what to do if it happened again....and he SAYS that my grill will be ok....I guess my project for tomorrow is to try to clean off the soot from the fire that burned the you know what out of those burgers....

The burgers were like brilo pads when it was all said and done....what a waste of 15.00 worth of meat......

Note to self....don't buy Kroger brand hamburger meat that doesn't tell whether it is lean or fatty.....apparently the product had a little to do with the problem...as well as the cook....

Sometimes life is all about putting out the fires.....I seem to run from one fire to the next.....to the next...to the next.....all in a day's work....

Losing Perspective

Its happened again.....I have lost perspective...I have allowed myself to get so focused on fear that I have lost the big picture.

The circumstances of my life right now shouldn't dictate how I respond or react....circumstances shouldn't have so much control over my outlook....

I am beyond frustrated with having to wear a hat that doesn't fit me.....I am letting it get to me....

I just want to be a mom, an employee and maybe a student........not a business person, a landlord, a general contractor, a dad, etc.....etc...

I am not a good landlord.....I am not an entrepreneur.....and the last thing in the world that I should be doing is trying to make decisions about what kind of drainage system I need to solve some of the issues I am having at the commercial property....

I don't like the games....I don't like trying to figure dishonest people out.....I don't like trying to chase down people to do the things they said they would do.....I don't like bugging my CPA to PLEASE try to get my taxes done by the deadline....

I just want to be responsible for me and my three children......

Is that too much to ask......

I've lost perspective......

The interesting thing is that I know better.....I know better than to let this happen.....I know that perspective is something I can control and yet I am allowing others to control my perspective.....

Reminds me of Paul......I know better...yet I allow it to happen...and participate in it......

Perspective begins with an acknowledgement that God is painting on a canvas larger than we can see or imagine.....I think Louie Giglio said something like that in a sermon I recently watched on the internet.....trust is essential....

I'm a work in progress....

Fear of Loss

For me, life has become a lot about fear of loss. I find that many of my fears are related to losing something....and fear has been driving many of my decisions lately. I fear not being able to take care of my kids the way I think they should be taken care of....I fear making the wrong decisions about my career or education because I know they will impact my kids....I fear losing the financial security that I feel like I need in order not to be afraid of my future....I fear failing at work or home or school....I fear not being able to take care of myself when I am old....is that stupid or what? It's not like Brian and I had our future all mapped out...things were going well but we had our share of bumps and bruises along the way.....but I wasn't afraid...not like I am now....

If I let it, fear holds me captive....it erodes my confidence....it causes me to retreat and want to hunker down and protect what I have and risk nothing.....

I fear change......I hate taking risks.....I am afraid I will mess the rest of my life up....and my kids.....

Maybe I have shifted into a defensive mode.....just trying to protect who we are and what we have.....instead of welcoming the new opportunities that may come our way...and being thankful for the blessings of life that we do have.....

Fear of loss....it has a strong grip on my right now.....

The rollercoaster of life is wearing me down.....I'm trying to wear hats that don't fit.....and I am ashamed that I am letting difficult people rock my world.....

I am so tired of wearing hats that don't fit.....hats that Brian wore so well and so easily just don't fit me...........

But what can I do about it?

Nothing.....absolutely nothing.....there are things in my life that I have no control over....and those things are eating me up right now....

I need to get a grip.......Hi, my name is Shelly and I am afraid of my future.....

.......arghhhhh.......this isn't what I signed up for.....

Where do I get a refund?

Nothing is Simple

I realized yesterday that even though I may be ready to make some changes in my life it really isn't that simple.

My vehicle has 87,00 miles on it. It makes sense to me to consider getting a different one before this one hits 100,000 and the value goes too low. I made some phone calls and had a plan for a different vehicle. I showed up at school to pick my kids up test-driving the new vehicle. Lexi was elated and Nathan began to cry.

It was hardly the reaction I was hoping for. I thought the kids would be excited....not so much. Nathan had quite a few tears over it and when it was all said and done I decided to back off and hold off on making the change. I realize that I am the parent and that I have to make the decisions that are in the best interest of our family....and I understand that at some point I WILL have to make a change....but, I do want to take his feelings into consideration....and if I do that then it makes sense for me to wait a little longer to give him time to get used to the idea.

It got me to thinking about "change".....I believe that I am ready to make some changes in my life....I was actually pretty pumped about this decision....it's one of many decisions that I will need to make over the next few years as our needs change and as things wear out....it made me realize that I need to address "change" with Nathan....things can't stay the same forever...and he has to learn to be a little more adaptable and open to new things....on a side note, Nathan is a very compliant child who rarely ever bucks my decisions....which is what made me want to take a step back from the deal....because he usually is not so emotional about things....and trying to figure out exactly what is going on inside his head is proving to be elusive.....there is a small part of this that I believe is tied to the fact that his dad purchased this car for me as a surprise...and that was a really cool thing.....but I don't think his reaction is just about that....I think it is a combination of things.....

I guess you could say I am mildly disappointed about the whole ordeal.....and maybe reality has given me pause for discouragement....it's like now that I want to make some changes I can't....because I guess maybe my kids aren't as ready for change as I am....and that is discouraging....because nothing is simple anymore...or so it seems....

Then again....it's just a vehicle....and I can be patient for the right time.....I just want change to be simple....and it isn't....

Spiritual Focus

For the past few days I have felt more spiritually focused than I have been in a long while. It's hard to put my finger on when it began to happen but some growth is occuring. I am finding that my personal devotion time is more meaningful than it has been in a long time.

There is a thirst for God that has been missing for a while.

I have heard several sermons lately that have touched me deeply.....

I am seeing things more clearly.....

I have felt a heavy conviction that my spiritual focus has been almost non-existent for the last few months.

It's been subtle....but my lack of focus has impacted how I am able to live out God's purpose for my life....

God's purpose for my life.....I need to be focused on that again.....I need to be passionate about it.....


My life needs to be less about me....less about the past.....and more about loving and serving the God who loves me....

God, help me to find my focus again......

Thoughts

It's been a better week. I believe God has provided some affirmations for me through various people. I am thankful when I can recognize those affirmations and accept them.

My oldest son brought home his TAKS benchmark scores and his scores were terrific. I am proud of him because it wasn't too long ago that I worried about his reading and whether he would ever hit his stride. More than pride though is a huge sense of relief. He is doing well. He is doing more than just ok.....huge relief......super huge relief........monumental relief....he's learning to work hard and right now, he is enjoying the fruits of his hard work.

I got started reading the Message Bible because of the contemporary language it uses....when I read it things seem to connect with me better than any other translation. One particular passage that I came across this week was:

Psalm 19:7-9

"The revelation of God is whole and pulls our lives together.
The signposts of God are clear and point out the right road.
The life-maps of God are always right, showing the way to joy.
The directions of God are plain and easy on the eyes.
God's reputation is twenty-four carat gold, with a lifetime guarantee.
The decisions of God are accurate down to the nth degree."

When I read this passage this week I realized that God's plan for my life isn't supposed to be a huge mystery. I tend to try to make things way too complicated. God knows my heart. He knows my desires. He has gifted me and prepared me for the things He wants me to do. All I really have to do is keep my relationship with Him open....if I will just earnestly seek after Him, everything will be clear....and I will begin to see His hand in my life as He works all things together for God......


So, I need to put more emphasis on seeking after Him.....and less emphasis on worrying about whether I am going to make the wrong choice....this passage indicates that it will be pretty clear what I am supposed to do.....it doesn't mean that it will be easy....or comfortable.....but it should be pretty obvious....


It's been a good week....for that I am grateful...

Add some more to the list of things I've learned....

A while back I wrote a blog about all the things that I have learned since Brian died. It was fun to look back and see all that I had been forced to learn to do....many of the things I think Brian would have found quite humorous.

Well, a few more adventures later and there are still things to add to the list.....Yesterday's trip with the kids to Mineral Wells State Park taught me these things....

1. Never allow your son to toss you the car keys when you are in a boat in the lake. The ramifications are HUGE! Keys don't float.
2. Always carry a BIG magnet on a string for such said adventures on the lake.
3. Never try to answer your cell phone while trying to keep two small paddleboats attached to the dock while four kids are trying to maneuver from one boat to the other.
4. Sometimes the best cure for being down in the dumps is to get out and explore God's creation with your kids.
5. A Saturday spent at a state park is sure to create some great family memories!


We definitely made some good memories this weekend. It was good to get out of the house and it was worth the effort it took to make it happen.

I think we will be going back soon....there are more rocks to climb and frogs to chase....

For this weekend I am grateful.....

Our Big Adventure

Made some memories today......

Climbed on some BIG rocks.....



Dropped my keys in the lake.....gracias to the senor who got them out.....


Enjoyed watching my kids be kids....

More later...

Small Steps

Today I got word that my tenant in the commercial property I own is going to sign another two year lease. I am relieved about it but also wish he would have exercised his option to purchase it. I'd love to get rid of it and not have the stress and strain of being a landlord. The building has tons of memories tied to it. Brian would be pleased that it is helping to provide for our future and that the value has continued to increase. He would probably be disappointed if I sold it. But, honestly, I think it would be terrific if I could sell it and be done with it. This is a part of Brian that I'd like to put in the past. I don't enjoy being a landlord and it can be a stressful role to have to play.

It would be very freeing to let it go.....but that isn't an option for another two years.....

Tonight I was out in the neighborhood and the real estate agent that Brian always used pulled over and asked me if I or anyone on my street might want to sell their house. She had a client who liked our street and wanted to buy in our area. I told her I didn't know anyone.....but part of me was thinking that maybe I should let them look at my house....I don't really want to move but it is beginning to feel like this house keeps me from completely moving on with my life. It isn't painful to live here....it's a great house....my kids love it....incredible neighbors....but I am starting to feel a little trapped by it. It is hard to explain....but something about it is beginning to bother me....

I think it goes back to that feeling of being stuck....wanting to move forward but still feeling a little trapped by the past....

Someone asked me out of the blue yesterday if I had dated anyone since Brian died. I almost fell out of my chair when this person asked me. First of all, I wasn't expecting that question.....and secondly, I thought to myself "are you kidding...who would want to date me? I have 3 small children...that's enough to scare the wrong person away immediately...." I walked away from that conversation wondering what would posses this person to ask me that question in such a non-chalant way....as if this person really thought I might be dating.....I am still scratching my head about that one.....however, after I choked on my food to figure out how to answer the question I said "no...haven't dated anyone........long pause......I am not sure that would be best for my kids......another long pause.......but I am open to it....only if it were the right person....." It was weird saying that out loud...and very uncomfortable......and then somewhat discouraging because it was almost as if this person thought I would be out each weekend having a great time.....NOT.....nothing could be further from the truth......my life is my kids......and I am ok with that.....I guess....it was just a reminder that everyone looks at life through different glasses.....sometimes what others see and what we see and experience are two totally different realities...just interesting to me..... (by the way, I have several widow friends who have been able to date and remarry rather quickly....this blog is not meant to imply that the way I feel is the right way to feel or anything like that....every person is different and every person's grief journey is different....I get that...and I respect that)

It's been a weird few days....and maybe I am just realizing that I need to look at taking some small steps to try to get unstuck.....I'm a creature of habit and change is hard for me.....but something has gotten stirred up in me lately and I need to figure out how to deal with it.....


It's like I have been given this 15,000 piece jigsaw puzzle with no box to show what I am working towards.....so I just plug along....piece by piece....wondering what the heck the picture is going to end up looking like.....thinking to myself how desparately I would love to have that boxtop to show me how the pieces will eventually fit together...if nothing else, seeing the end result would give me hope and inspiration to finish the puzzle.......right now, I'd like to just quit.....because I can't for the life of me figure out what my life is going to end up looking like....and that frustrates the heck out of me......and I guess I wonder if it is all going to be worth the effort.....


Small steps....little pieces.....eventually the big picture will emerge....

Doubt

It's been a busy past few days. My house has been like a revolving door with company coming and going. I am worn out from trying to entertain my family and Brian's family. We had some good times but it has been a little too fast paced for me.

The past two and half days I have been at home with a sick child. I have been in a funk since Monday when my folks left. It's been a little different than one of my "usual" funks. This one has been deeper and darker. I would almost call it being depressed. But, in the clinical sense, that wouldn't fit. I have not had all the symptoms of depression and even the ones I have had have not been around for very long. Nevertheless, I am just in a funk.

I went to get something to eat by myself last night and I found myself on the verge of tears just driving to the restaraunt. No particular reason...just discouraged....mainly about my youngest child.....and it was just getting to me....I found myself doubting my parenting skills.....doubting my ability to raise three kids on my own.....doubt, doubt, doubt.

I ran into a church member who sat down and ate with me. The conversation was encouraging and uplifting.....there was mutual frustration and struggle in the parenting arena....I came away from the conversation feeling a little more at peace with myself....knowing that I am not the only one who wonders what kind of job I am doing parenting.....

But...still in a funk...still doubting what God has in store for me.....I am weary.....weary of being optimistic.....weary of being "strong".....

I am trying to fight my way out of the funk.....but the heaviness is difficult.....I just want to know that everything is going to be ok....that my kids are going to do well in life....that they will meet their potential....and that somewhere down the road, things are going to get easier....but I have my doubts....and I think I must be crazy to think I can go back to school.....I am doubting that big-time.......

I just don't know what to do......and the doubts are getting the best of me...

I heard part of the sermon on Sunday and it was about how sometimes we just have to go in a general direction that we think God is leading us....and trust that we won't go wrong if we are just trying our best to obey and seek Him.....I am going in the general direction of school.....and I am wanting to be obedient....but I just don't know if I can do it....if my family will suffer then I don't want to do it.....I am doubting my ability to know whether or not I am supposed to do it.....if I had to make a decision today I would have to say that I am not sure it would be in the best interest of my family.....next week, when I am out of this funk, I might feel differently.....I am conflicted and confused about it.....

Then I think why in the world would I want to add any more stress to my life.....heck, why not just pack it up and move back to Oklahoma where my family can help me raise my kids......but that isn't really what I want either...I don't think....more doubt....

Doubt.....discouragement....depression......

Things will look better in the morning.....for that I am grateful....

A better day...

Today was a better day in my parenting world....

That's all....


Just wanted to note "a better day"....

Discouragement

Discouragement: "The feeling of despair in the face of obstacles"

Yep, I guess I am a little discouraged.

I look at my life and the amount of work that is involved in keeping three kids fed, bathed, clothed, educated, entertained, disciplined and encouraged, and it tends to get a little discouraging. I don't know why but lately I have been feeling overwhelmed at the thought of keeping this kind of pace for the rest of my life.

Every day is a battle. My youngest is strong-willed and he is wearing me down. I feel like I take a beating from him every day. It is all I can do to stay in the ring with him and go head to head. He is relentless and I am weary from it.

My older two are responding well to my request for us to work together as a team so that we can function well as a family. I see signs of progress and hope. They have the desire to want to try do the right thing and keep the peace in our family....but they are only kids....and they can only do so much.....but they are at least trying...and for that I am grateful....

I found one definiton of discouragement that described it this way: "Discouragement is dissatisfaction with the past, distaste for the present and distrust of the future". Pretty dismal defintion....somewhat convicting....sounds a little whiney....but I could identify....especially with the "distrust of the future".....

I don't plan to stay camped out with discouragement....I have to work through it.....but it's where I am at right now....it's this subtle underlying layer of doubt that oozes into my emotions and clouds my perspective....doubt that life will ever be as sweet as it was with Brian.....doubt that God has a better chapter ahead.....doubt that I will ever find God's purpose for my life.....

The obstacles are in full view.....they look pretty intimidating........it would be dishonest to say that I am certain I will overcome them.....I'm just not sure.........

Yet, if the past is any indication of the future....I will have to deal with them the same way you eat an elephant......one bite at a time.....one lousy bite at a time.....

Letting go of the why....

There are parts of me that have let go of the "why" question. Intellectually, I know that I will never know "why" Brian died at 35 years of age. Spiritually, I am at peace with not being able to understand the "why". Emotionally, I have begun to distance myself from the "why". However, personally, I still struggle with the "why".

I have been watching the real estate market go down the tubes lately. Just yesterday a friend of Brian's told me that the man who got Brian into building homes may be faced with filing bankruptcy. He took a few too many risks and is feeling the effects of the housing meltdown in our economy.

The thought crossed my mind yesterday that if Brian were still building homes we would very likely be struggling right now. Brian had no qualms about going out on a limb and taking risks. When he died he was on his way to a house that he was building that was listed for over 500k. Now, homes in that neighborhood are being foreclosed on because builders overbuilt the area and didn't see the real estate crisis coming.

What I can't wrap my mind around is how God works. Is it possible that God was actually protecting Brian from things that we can't ever fully understand? Or, is it just that he was at the wrong place, at the wrong time and his death allowed him not to have to go through a tough time in his career? I don't know.....because I can't wrap my mind around it....

Yes, to be honest, I am thankful that I don't have the stress of a bankruptcy to deal with. However, I would have done anything to keep our marriage alive....yet, I wonder.....where would we be right now? What would we be dealing with? There is no way to impose the future into my thoughts accurately....too many variables that can't be accounted for....only speculation....biased speculation...

As much as I want to, it's still so hard to completely let go of the "why".....it creeps back in unexpectedly.....wreaking havoc with my thoughts....knocking me off balance as I desparately try to make sense of how I ended up a single mom with three children to raise on my own.....yet, making sense of it wouldn't change the reality I live in.....what's done is done....no going back....

It causes me to wonder what the rest of my life holds....is this it for me? Yet, I am so grateful for the many blessings in my life......friends, family, a good job that I enjoy.....rich memories of our love.....a new found confidence in my ability to survive and thrive again.....there are many things to choose to be thankful for.....

but...the loneliness is there too...............oh the loneliness.....it never leaves......

I want to let the "why" go.....and sometimes I think I have....but apparently I haven't....

Parenting.....ugh!

Today was not my best day as a parent. I am tired of doing it alone and it showed. I was grumpy and impatient with my kids all day. They also did not have their finest day.....they pushed the limits all day long....so, I redrew the boundaries for them tonight. I saw a little improvement after the "pow-wow" but the realization that I am in this by myself was a little overwhelming today.

That's all....just tired of it....a good night's rest will do wonders I am sure...

I just wish I could get a small glimpse of how all this effort is going to someday pay off......it is hard to keep plugging along and working my tail off just to keep all the plates spinning...there are no guarantees in parenting...and that sucks!


ugh....I need a vacation....from parenting....

Just can't do it...

I started a project a week or so ago that I am going to put on hold for a while. I thought I wanted to write my account of what happened when Brian died. I wanted to do it and thought it would be helpful to me and to my kids. I wrote a couple of entries...but I can't seem to find it in me to write some more. For one thing, I went back and re-read them and they don't have much flow to them....there is a disconnect somewhere.....it's all facts....no feelings....well, maybe a little bit in the first post....but the second post is like a robotic recanting of what happened.....I can't completely go there.....I can't completely open myself up and talk about what that day was like.....or maybe it is that I don't WANT to go there.....not really.....

Initially, I thought it was because it was just too painful.....and that is definitely part of it.....the wounds have healed and I don't want to open them back up......

However, the more I have thought about it I think it goes beyond that.....I am TIRED of talking about grief....I am TIRED of being so focused on this journey.....

I am wanting to choose to quit looking at my life through grief-colored glasses....(I know that was corny but it is an accurate analogy).....I don't want Brian's death to continue to be the defining moment of my life....not any more.....

Having said that....I recognize that Brian's death HAS indeed been a defining moment.....I get that.....I am, for the most part, very proud of how much growth has occured in my life over the past two years....(this isn't meant to be a virtual pat on the back...it's a fact...I have been forced to grow in ways that never would have happened without his death)

But the truth of the matter is that I now feel stuck.....I am tired of going back to the past and measuring everything in my life by what changed on June 16, 20005......but I am also not exactly sure how to move further into my future....the future that doesn't include Brian....I can see where I am headed....and I am motivated to go there....but it feels disloyal....it feels like I am abandoning the love that we shared.....to move forward feels like it is devaluing Brian and the relationship that we had.....

I think that is why it was so important for me to include Brian's parents in his birthday celebration.....I wanted to take the opportunity to show them how much I still loved him.....because there is a part of me that fears that as they continue to watch me rebuild my life that they will be disappointed in me if I don't spend the rest of my life looking in my rear-view mirror....

.....our relationship is over......and I have to be ok with that....and I guess I am....sort of....

I need to get unstuck......

But, I don't have the faintest idea how to do that...


So....for now...I just can't write about what happened....maybe I will be inspired to do it again soon....but, until then....I just can't do it....

The Gift of Remembering.....

Last night we celebrated Brian's birthday. There were 8 adults and 8 kids.....talk about some noise....

This is now the third year that the same group of us have gotten together to celebrate Brian's life. The first year was agonizingly painful....the second year was a huge step forward....and last night.....well, it was one of the sweetest times I have ever experienced. It's been a huge blessing in my life to have friends who have walked beside us on this road of grief. And...last night was just a continuation of that blessing.

Brian's parents were coming in town for grandparents day and so I decided to delay the celebration (his birthday was last Sunday) and see if they wanted to join us (this was the first year to invite his parents). They, of course, wanted to participate.

As the day got closer I got more and more nervous. I just wasn't sure how well it was going to go over. I worried that it would be too much for his parents...or that I would struggle....for whatever reason, I allowed myself to get stressed out about it.

Admittedly, I have not been "super close" to Brian's parents. We have always had a good relationship, but not one I would describe as "close". I tend to be a private person, especially with my emotions....I have not been hugely openly emotional with them about Brian's death. So, this was uncharted territory and I was a little unnerved.

We had the "M___" meal....and Brian's parents helped cook it. Brian's family has the same "meal" every time they have a big family get together. The recipes are ones that have been used for several generations. The food turned out well..and it was nice to have us all working together on a big meal.

After dinner we all sat down in the living room for a time of remembering. Each of the kids had drawn pictures of their favorite memory of Brian and one by one they gave Brian's parents their pictures and explained what memory it represented. The kids did a great job of creating an atmosphere of "remembering". Once the kids finished the adults sat around and talked about favorite memories of Brian. I sat back and watched and listened...and occassionally spoke up to fill in details or clarify a story. Brian's mom and dad joined in with stories and memories of their own.

As I sat there it began to dawn on me that maybe this was one of the best gifts we could have given Brian's mom and dad. I would imagine that there are very few people who sit and "listen" to their memories....I also realized that last night was really about "them"....my goal was for them to be able to "see" how we have been "remembering Brian".....It is important to me for them to know how much we loved him and how committed I am to making sure the kids continue to experience the effects of his influence in their life. I guess part of my fear is that as we continue to heal and rebuild our life that Brian's parents will think we have forgotten him...it's that whole loyalty issue that I struggle with.....I know I should continue to try to move on and rebuild but sometimes it feels disloyal and I feel guilty for continuing to live and dream......However, I think that last night they got a taste of how we have continued to celebrate his life. And.....I have never been more grateful and proud of the friends that I have....they took the time to sit and "remember" and "listen"....they even sat and looked at the "memory books" that Brian's mom made for each of my three kids...I equate that to watching someone's home movies...they were so kind to indulge us in remembering Brian.....and it was such a sweet experience.

Interestingly, there were no tears last night....just a lot of smiles and some laughter....and a few raised eyebrows when stories were told that hadn't been heard before....

When Brian's parents left today they both thanked me for last night....Brian's dad said "it was really great, thank you" and his mom said "thank you so much for doing that last night....we really enjoyed it".

I thought today about what Brian would think about what we did.....knowing how much he loved his parents I can't help but think he was really proud of us....and thankful that we included his mom and dad.....

The gift of remembering.....for that I am grateful.....

Recognizing the good....

One of the things that I have wrestled with throughout this process is being able to understand how good can come out of something so tragic. I don't understand how God does it. But, he does. God is able to use "all things" in our life to achieve His purpose for our life.

I saw that again this week.

Last night I attended the funeral visitation of my best friend during my childhood years. Her dad was the pastor at my home church and her mom was my piano teacher for many years. Her older sisters babysat me. We spent many Sunday nights after church together at Mr. Gatti's Pizza. I have a ton of memories that involve her and her family.

She died this past Sunday after a hard-fought battle with breast cancer. She has four children ranging in age from three years old to eleven years old. My heart has been broken for her husband and for her kids....but also for her family....for her sweet mom....

I don't know exactly how to put it into words....but I know that God used me to minister to her family last night. He used a lot of people to minister to them....the funeral home was overflowing....but, I think I was able to be connect with them in a way that few other people could. I've walked the road they are on....and they knew that.....and because of that I was able to comfort them in the same way I was shown comfort when Brian died....I was able to try to answer their questions about what to do with issues they were facing with their kids.....

The truth is...there aren't any magical, easy answers about what to do with kids in every circumstance and situation.....but, I could at least share what I had done and why I had done it and whether or not I thought it was helpful.....

And, I felt useful....feeling useful in a time of sorrow and crisis is an empowering experience.....in the past (before Brian's death) I think I would have felt totally inadequate in knowing what to do or say....but last night, I felt like I something to offer them.....and I wanted to allow God to use me...and I think He did......I guess I felt like my life was achieving some purpose beyond me.....I saw some "good"....and I recognized it as "good"....


And....for that I am humbled that God could use me....and grateful that He is always faithful to achieve His purposes...through every situation....

And....I continue to pray for her family....for her kids...for her husband....because the road is soooo long......

June 16, 2005....part one

I got up that day a little earlier than usual because the babysitter was coming to our house and I needed some time to pick things up and straighten the house a little. The house was suffering from a week of neglect because I had been at VBS each night and there just wasn't much time to keep things at home in order.

Amber (the babysitter) arrived at about 8:30 and off I went to work. Brian was still at home doing some paperwork for the draw he was requesting from the bank on one of the houses he was building. He followed me out to the car and kissed me goodbye. He stood in the driveway and watched me back out....he had his arms folded and he raised one arm slightly and waved goodbye....this is my last memory of him and it is a very clear memory.....except that I can't picture what he had on.....but I can see his smile so vivdly........

I went to work and was busy all morning getting ready for the last night of VBS. I called him at about 11:30am to ask him if he wanted to go get some lunch with me. He was very upbeat when I talked with him and he told me something had come up at the house in Cedar Hill and that he was meeting the plumber there in about an hour so he couldn't go with me. This was the last conversation we ever had. We didn't usually go to lunch together but I wanted to spend some time with him since we had had such a busy week....and I wanted to continue to reconnect with him before we went off on our trip....much earlier in the week I would describe us as being pretty disconnected....we were both going in different directions...dealing with stressors in our work worlds....with very little time or energy to connect with each other....but, he couldn't go...so I decided to have lunch in with the ladies at work.

I went to Dairy Twin and picked up lunch and brought it back to the church to eat it in the breakroom. I was sitting there talking with the ladies and I mentioned our plans for the weekend. Laura was going to stay with the kids while we were gone and I remember joking with her about how much "fun" she was going to have being a parent to three kids that weekend. I finished lunch and went back upstairs to my office to work.......

It was now about 1:30pm and Melinda buzzed into my office and said "Shelly, line one....she says it is an emergency." My first thought was that one of my clients from the counseling center was calling. It would not have been unusual for one of them to call and ask to talk to me and to tell the secretary that it was an emergency....it had happened before....I was out in the hall when she buzzed me...I remember walking very calmly to the phone and picking it up....never thinking that the emergency was about Brian....I picked up the phone and said "This is Shelly"......

Stephanie was on the other end and she told me "Brian and Toby have been in an accident. Toby just called me and he was laying on the side of the road when he called". All I remember saying is "What?" "What happened" "Where?" Melinda heard my voice shaking and came in to my office.....I think she knew immediately by looking at me that something awful had happened.......Stephanie didn't give me much info....she said that they were careflighting Brian to either JPS or Harris Downtown......Melinda offered to drive me to the hospital. I got my purse and walked down to her car. I was calm....but only because I was scared to death to think the worst....surely there was a mistake....if I just act calm, this whole thing will blow over...

She drove me to the hospital. The whole time I kept looking out the window and up into the air.....I was trying to watch for the helicoptor....it seems foolish now....but I was intently focused on the sky......I had my cell phone and called my mom....I asked her if she would call Brian's mom...I just couldn't call her....I knew I would fall apart if I had to tell her.....

Stephanie called me once en route to the hospital. She told me that she talked to someone at the scene of the accident and that they said that Brian was conscious and was talking (I now know that was probably inaccurate....it was probably the drive of the other vehicle and not Brian)....she wanted me to know that because she thought that was a good sign. I remember telling Melinda that he was talking....that conversation gave me hope....maybe he was ok......

We arrived at Harris Hospital and we still didn't know if we were at the right hospital. Melinda asked me if I wanted to go in or stay in the car. I told her I would just stay in the car while she found out. I don't know why I didn't just go in....maybe it was a little bit of denial....I didn't want to be there.....and I wasn't going to go in unless I knew he was really there....

She came back out and said they don't know which hospital they are taking him to but that I should come inside and wait. I went in and they took us back to a family room. The chaplain came in and asked me a lot of questions to determine who they were looking for.....


I need to stop for now....part two another night....

A Starting Point....

It's hard to find a good starting point in recounting the last days before his death. I could begin with the Memorial Day weekend that we spent at my parent's lake house in Oklahoma. We got the surprise news that weekend that my sister was expecting her first baby. It was an incredibly fun and exciting announcement. They had been trying for several years and our whole family was elated!

Or, I could start with the several days before that we had by ourselves...without kids...we had dinner at Chile's one of those nights and considered putting an offer on a house in our neighborhood that had a pool and needed a lot of work. Brian even made a verbal offer to the realtor that night. I remember telling him that I just didn't think the timing was right. I tended to the be the one in our marriage who fought change and the thought of moving was too overwhelming. Brian, on the other hand, was jazzed about the possibilities and was somewhat frustrated at my lack of support for the move.

Another beginning point might be the start of Vacation Bible School on the Sunday evening before he died on Thursday. As usual, I was completely preoccupied with all the details and stressors of leading a Vacation Bible School. Brian had been down this road with me for many, many years. He knew to lay low and not expect a whole lot from me until it was over. He never complained about it but I am sure it wasn't one of his more favorite weeks to be married to me.

So, a starting point.....I guess it is important to start by saying that the week leading up to his death was a microcosm of our marriage. It was a week that we faced challenges....a week that frustration with each other reached a high level....and a week that we experienced the very best of being married.

Thankfully, on Wednesday night (he died on Thursday) we had one of the sweetest times together that I could have ever hoped for had I known it was to be our last time to experience the best of our marriage. I remember standing in the kitchen talking to him until about 11:30pm. We were talking about some of my struggles at work....some of my frustrations about VBS that week...some of my insecurities about some transitions that were happening with my job.....I got a little emotional talking about some of it and I remember he was sitting on the counter in the kitchen and he reached out and put his arms around me and hugged me for the longest time. He kissed me on the forehead and just held me. He said some things to me that I needed to hear and I remember thinking how lucky I was to have him and his support. Brian had a way of helping me sift through issues....he was good at balancing me out and he was the voice of reason when I got down or discouraged....

I went to bed that night knowing I was loved and looking forward to the weekend getaway we had planned for Friday and Saturday. It was our 12 year anniversary and he had booked us a night at the Gaylord Texan Resort. All was well in our marriage....and we were going to go celebrate the life we had together.......I couldn't wait.......