The kids came home today from their grandparents. I was ready to see them....really ready.
I decided to mow the lawn tonight...my mom is still here and I knew I could get it done without worrying about Braden burning the house down. I am out there mowing away....sweat dripping off of me....and Braden is screaming at me from the porch...."MOM!!!....MOM!!!..." I can barely hear him over the lawn mower....I don't answer him because I am hoping my mom will see what he needs so I can keep mowing....nope...he keeps screaming "MOM....MOM...MOOOOMMM!!!" I am now a little disgusted wondering what in the world is so important....I scream back at him over the mower...."WHHHAT..What do you NEED?" He screams back at me "MOOOMMM...I LOVE YOU MOM".....big smile...."I Love you TOO!!!"....and that... is why I love being a parent.....
And then....I take a shower to get rid of the buckets of sweat that had accumulated on me....and as I am getting out....there he is....and then he goes into litany of questions about how girls and boys are different....I tried to use all the appropriate words (cause that's what all the "experts" say to do..ha) ....so we had a little discussion about various body parts....and he makes some comments that make you just want to crack up....a four year old has a very interesting perspective about male and female body parts....
At bedtime we had a discussion about potty training....he wanted to know when I was potty trained and who potty trained me....he also wanted to know where he was when I was little.....uh, yeah....try explaining that to a four year old...."you weren't born yet" just didn't work...."no, I mean, where WAS I THEN?" Uh, you weren't born yet...no, mom "WHERE was I THEN?"
AHHH...Life is somewhat back to normal....and I was reminded tonight that I really do love being a parent....most of the time anyways....especially after a week without them....
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Grief Returns
For some reason, when my kids are gone I tend to struggle a little emotionally. I am extremely grateful for some "me" time but it also serves as a harsh reminder that it is just me now. For example, when Brian was alive and the kids would go to grandma's we'd have a great time as a couple. We'd go out to dinner...go to the movies...do some project around the house...etc. Last night I went out to eat alone. There was just one other older couple in the hamburger place I chose. She was using a walker and he was getting frustrated with his cell phone. They were a cute old couple....and I thought to myself that will never be me. Brian and I were going to grow old together...take care of each other....but, I was reminded last night that it is just me now....and so I struggle emotionally...
Or I start thinking about him and I replay things over in my head....and I go down memory lane....and it hurts.
Grief seems to return when my kids are gone....and maybe that is ok....maybe it is just part of the process...
The kids return tomorrow...and maybe the sadness will be gone for a while and be replaced with the love of my three kids....
Sometimes, though, when grief returns it makes me wonder if I have really made all that much progress....makes me feel like I am going backwards....but, I am pretty sure that isn't true....it would be nice if I could "get over" this....I am tired of the grief returning.....I have given it plenty of time and attention and focus and tears....can't it just go away?
Or I start thinking about him and I replay things over in my head....and I go down memory lane....and it hurts.
Grief seems to return when my kids are gone....and maybe that is ok....maybe it is just part of the process...
The kids return tomorrow...and maybe the sadness will be gone for a while and be replaced with the love of my three kids....
Sometimes, though, when grief returns it makes me wonder if I have really made all that much progress....makes me feel like I am going backwards....but, I am pretty sure that isn't true....it would be nice if I could "get over" this....I am tired of the grief returning.....I have given it plenty of time and attention and focus and tears....can't it just go away?
Sunday, August 12, 2007
We're All In This Together
I continue to be amazed at how connections with people can be such a blessing in our lives. I am blessed to have people in my life who love me, encourage me, support me, and inspire me. We are, afterall, all in this together.
Today I had a very short conversation with one of the people in my life who inspire me. She provided just the right nudge to affirm me in what I am pursuing in my life. She has walked the same road I am walking and she inspires me with hope. The conversation was about me going back to school. I admitted to her that I really didn't know if I could do it....I didn't know if I could be the kind of mom and employee I want to be and still be able to go to school. She told me that she had wished she had gone back to school and that I would never know unless I tried....she encouraged me to try it...to stick my toes in the water and see how it feels....wow, did I ever need to hear that....from someone who has experienced almost exactly what I am experiencing....
Thanks God....I needed to hear her say that today....
Just try it....that's all....takes a lot of pressure off when I think about it that way....
Today I had a very short conversation with one of the people in my life who inspire me. She provided just the right nudge to affirm me in what I am pursuing in my life. She has walked the same road I am walking and she inspires me with hope. The conversation was about me going back to school. I admitted to her that I really didn't know if I could do it....I didn't know if I could be the kind of mom and employee I want to be and still be able to go to school. She told me that she had wished she had gone back to school and that I would never know unless I tried....she encouraged me to try it...to stick my toes in the water and see how it feels....wow, did I ever need to hear that....from someone who has experienced almost exactly what I am experiencing....
Thanks God....I needed to hear her say that today....
Just try it....that's all....takes a lot of pressure off when I think about it that way....
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Gaining Perspective
As I was driving alone in the car today back from a quick trip to drop the kids in Oklahoma, it occurred to me that a lot of what I have been doing through the grieving process is trying to gain perspective on my life and what it is supposed to look like now. In those first few hours and days I was desparately searching for perspective. I couldn't begin to process the "why" of this or the "how" of what rebuilding my life might look like. But, slowly, my perspective was enlarged and meaning began to develop.
I am not suggesting that perspective makes everything ok....what I am suggesting is that it was impossible to have a clear perspective the first year of living life without Brian. Everything was too chaotic and my mind was too distracted by all the changes and the intense emotions I was experiencing. I look back now and wonder how I kept my job or how we even functioned as a family because of how consumed I was with my grief and the emotions it brought with it.
I still play over in mind the day that he died....I continue to remember new things about it...or people tell me something they remember about it....like, someone told me that they remembered being at my house right after I got home to tell the kids and one of them was hungry and so I was in the kitchen making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for them while there were a houseful of women scurrying around trying to be helpful. This person thought it was interesting that just five minutes after I told my children that their daddy died I was in the kitchen fixing them a sandwich.....weird? Maybe, I guess, but what else was I supposed to do? Guess it goes to show that kids are pretty egocentric and when they are hungry, they are hungry, even if their whole world was just rocked....
So I still replay it....and it still brings emotion when I think about it....and when new details are filled in it is always interesting to see what other people remember....yet, it doesn't hurt like it used to....it's more of a given...a fact of my life....I was married....my husband was killed...I am now a single mom....and this is my life.....
But, what does that have to do with perspective? I don't really know except to say that I am beginning to be ok with how my life is going to turn out....I think I am going to end up being a different person than if I had gone through life without this loss....I think that the "different" Shelly is actually a "better" Shelly....not "Better" in the sense of patting myself on the back, but better in the sense that there has been some significant change....change that has given me a different perspective on life....what if I were able to compare who I became if Brian was still alive versus who I became as a result of his death? At this point, from this perspective, I have to say that I am pushing myself more now that he is gone than before....that I am being stretched more....that my perspective is different, and perhaps a better perspective than before...so does that make it ok that he died? No, but it makes it ok that I am still living....it creates a quiet confidence that God really does work all things together for good....and that part of grieving is separating myself from what I lost and embracing the life I now have....
And, if I were to allow Brian to speak to me right now....no, I don't believe he does literally speak to me (although there are lots of people who swear to me that their dead spouse gives them signs...I don't buy that)....but if I were to think about what he would say to me, given who he was and what he wanted for me and the kids I think he would say this: Shelly, your life is now about you and the kids....I am confident that my memory will always be alive in the hearts of Nathan, Lexi and Braden.....what I want for you is to embrace the life you now have and make the most out of it....you have my blessing and my support....please, don't make the rest of your life about me....make the rest of your life count....and allow God to give you His perspective....I have no regrets and I don't want you to have any either....sure, we had our ups and downs, but as a whole, our marriage was a blessing and there is no need to spend the rest of your life trying to prove to anyone (including my parents) how much you loved me....I know how much you loved me.....that's all that matters....so go and live and love our kids and be open to the future that lies ahead.....
If the grief process is about separating ourselves from what was lost, then I think that is well underway....not separation for separation sake, but separation so that the new life can become what it was meant to be.....and part of allowing myself to separate from Brian is the ability to gain perspective....the ability to carry his memory with me in a way that is healthy and manageable....
Maybe it's kind of like this.....in the beginning, the grief that I carried with me every day was such a burden that it could be compared to carrying about 15 large bags through an airport.....the bags were big and bulky and it was exhausting to try to carry them.....but, slowly, one by one, I was able to unpack a bag and leave it somewhere until I was down to one carry-on bag that fit comfortably over my shoulder.....the bags that I unpacked were things like: sadness, fear, anxiety, regret, theolgoical questions, anger, confusion, shattered dreams, and the only bag that I have left now is the one that contains the memories that I carry of him and the lessons he taught me about life and love....and that bag will continue to be a "carry-on" for possibly the rest of my life. I need to keep it close so that I will be reminded often of his love and of the love he had for his kids...my kids need to see me unpack it once in a while to remind them of what an incredible father they had.....but I will never go back to carrying the 15 bags again....I just can't....and it isn't necessary or healthy....
Gaining perspective...pretty powerful stuff....
I am not suggesting that perspective makes everything ok....what I am suggesting is that it was impossible to have a clear perspective the first year of living life without Brian. Everything was too chaotic and my mind was too distracted by all the changes and the intense emotions I was experiencing. I look back now and wonder how I kept my job or how we even functioned as a family because of how consumed I was with my grief and the emotions it brought with it.
I still play over in mind the day that he died....I continue to remember new things about it...or people tell me something they remember about it....like, someone told me that they remembered being at my house right after I got home to tell the kids and one of them was hungry and so I was in the kitchen making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for them while there were a houseful of women scurrying around trying to be helpful. This person thought it was interesting that just five minutes after I told my children that their daddy died I was in the kitchen fixing them a sandwich.....weird? Maybe, I guess, but what else was I supposed to do? Guess it goes to show that kids are pretty egocentric and when they are hungry, they are hungry, even if their whole world was just rocked....
So I still replay it....and it still brings emotion when I think about it....and when new details are filled in it is always interesting to see what other people remember....yet, it doesn't hurt like it used to....it's more of a given...a fact of my life....I was married....my husband was killed...I am now a single mom....and this is my life.....
But, what does that have to do with perspective? I don't really know except to say that I am beginning to be ok with how my life is going to turn out....I think I am going to end up being a different person than if I had gone through life without this loss....I think that the "different" Shelly is actually a "better" Shelly....not "Better" in the sense of patting myself on the back, but better in the sense that there has been some significant change....change that has given me a different perspective on life....what if I were able to compare who I became if Brian was still alive versus who I became as a result of his death? At this point, from this perspective, I have to say that I am pushing myself more now that he is gone than before....that I am being stretched more....that my perspective is different, and perhaps a better perspective than before...so does that make it ok that he died? No, but it makes it ok that I am still living....it creates a quiet confidence that God really does work all things together for good....and that part of grieving is separating myself from what I lost and embracing the life I now have....
And, if I were to allow Brian to speak to me right now....no, I don't believe he does literally speak to me (although there are lots of people who swear to me that their dead spouse gives them signs...I don't buy that)....but if I were to think about what he would say to me, given who he was and what he wanted for me and the kids I think he would say this: Shelly, your life is now about you and the kids....I am confident that my memory will always be alive in the hearts of Nathan, Lexi and Braden.....what I want for you is to embrace the life you now have and make the most out of it....you have my blessing and my support....please, don't make the rest of your life about me....make the rest of your life count....and allow God to give you His perspective....I have no regrets and I don't want you to have any either....sure, we had our ups and downs, but as a whole, our marriage was a blessing and there is no need to spend the rest of your life trying to prove to anyone (including my parents) how much you loved me....I know how much you loved me.....that's all that matters....so go and live and love our kids and be open to the future that lies ahead.....
If the grief process is about separating ourselves from what was lost, then I think that is well underway....not separation for separation sake, but separation so that the new life can become what it was meant to be.....and part of allowing myself to separate from Brian is the ability to gain perspective....the ability to carry his memory with me in a way that is healthy and manageable....
Maybe it's kind of like this.....in the beginning, the grief that I carried with me every day was such a burden that it could be compared to carrying about 15 large bags through an airport.....the bags were big and bulky and it was exhausting to try to carry them.....but, slowly, one by one, I was able to unpack a bag and leave it somewhere until I was down to one carry-on bag that fit comfortably over my shoulder.....the bags that I unpacked were things like: sadness, fear, anxiety, regret, theolgoical questions, anger, confusion, shattered dreams, and the only bag that I have left now is the one that contains the memories that I carry of him and the lessons he taught me about life and love....and that bag will continue to be a "carry-on" for possibly the rest of my life. I need to keep it close so that I will be reminded often of his love and of the love he had for his kids...my kids need to see me unpack it once in a while to remind them of what an incredible father they had.....but I will never go back to carrying the 15 bags again....I just can't....and it isn't necessary or healthy....
Gaining perspective...pretty powerful stuff....
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Write Shelly, Write
Ok, just had to take a break....I am on page 18 of my paper...still 7 pages to go....write Shelly, write....
Interesting conversations worth noting:
Braden (who is now four, he was two when Brian died) has started talking A LOT about his daddy....it's like the floodgates have opened up lately...it may stop as soon as it started, but it is rather interesting to watch.....the thing he keeps repeating over and over and over is this...."daddy loved me a whole, whole lot"....and "daddy built us a safe house to live in because he loves us"....and "when I grow up I want to be a daddy".....I don't know why he has opened up so much lately, I suppose that I am probably talking less about Brian than before.....just interesting....
Braden said to me the other day, "mommy, girls don't die do they?" I said "yes they do, we all die but it will be a long, long, long time before mommy dies". I know, I can't guarantee that but the odds are that it is true....and he doesn't need a lenghty disclaimer before every statement I make, now does he?
Braden, Lexi and Nathan had a long discussion about heaven the other night. They all determined that their daddy would run to them and hug them and hold on to them so tight he might choke them and then he would kiss mommy...and that he probably ran to Brewster and great pawpaw and hugged them too when he saw them in heaven... I just listened to the conversation as we were driving. It was interesting to listen to it unfold....wish I had an audio recording of it...I couldn't help but smile as I was listening....gosh it feels good to be able to hear that kind of stuff and smile and not fall apart like I used to....yes, it still sucks that they have to live without their daddy, but the pain is not anywhere near where it was during the first year or two....
Guess that is all for now....back to writing the real paper....but this was a nice diversion....
Interesting conversations worth noting:
Braden (who is now four, he was two when Brian died) has started talking A LOT about his daddy....it's like the floodgates have opened up lately...it may stop as soon as it started, but it is rather interesting to watch.....the thing he keeps repeating over and over and over is this...."daddy loved me a whole, whole lot"....and "daddy built us a safe house to live in because he loves us"....and "when I grow up I want to be a daddy".....I don't know why he has opened up so much lately, I suppose that I am probably talking less about Brian than before.....just interesting....
Braden said to me the other day, "mommy, girls don't die do they?" I said "yes they do, we all die but it will be a long, long, long time before mommy dies". I know, I can't guarantee that but the odds are that it is true....and he doesn't need a lenghty disclaimer before every statement I make, now does he?
Braden, Lexi and Nathan had a long discussion about heaven the other night. They all determined that their daddy would run to them and hug them and hold on to them so tight he might choke them and then he would kiss mommy...and that he probably ran to Brewster and great pawpaw and hugged them too when he saw them in heaven... I just listened to the conversation as we were driving. It was interesting to listen to it unfold....wish I had an audio recording of it...I couldn't help but smile as I was listening....gosh it feels good to be able to hear that kind of stuff and smile and not fall apart like I used to....yes, it still sucks that they have to live without their daddy, but the pain is not anywhere near where it was during the first year or two....
Guess that is all for now....back to writing the real paper....but this was a nice diversion....
Friday, August 03, 2007
Rumblings in my head...
There are times when I post something and then it continues to rumble in my head until I figure out "why" it is still rumbling. One of the things that I have been trying to flesh out is the way I said how I was wanting to rebuild my life. The phrase "daring to dream my life could be better than before" has nagged at me all week. I went back and edited it to say "building a life that is different and more useful"...but it still has been rumbling.
What do I really mean by that? I meant to communicate that I was beginning to realize that it was ok and desireable to want to have a life that is different and maybe even more fulfilling than the life I had with Brian. "Bigger and "better" just wasn't exactly what I was trying to communicate....like this was going to be some kind of "trade up".
I was comparing it with the building that Brian rebuilt after the fire. When I really think about it, it would have been foolish for him to try to build the "exact" same building as was there before. Instead, he tried to tailor it to what his needs were and to what the market would appreciate when trying to sell it someday. Ok, so that is probably more what I was meaning. It would be foolish (and futile) for me to try to rebuild or keep the exact same life that we had before....first of all, that would be impossible because Brian is no longer here. But, more importantly, it would be wise to take a look at what our needs are, what our strengths are, what our resources are, etc. and try to rebuild something that utilized all of those to their fullest potential.
That is what I am trying to do. I am trying to get out of the box of my old life and build something more useful and more fulfilling based on what I have to work with....and that may look a little different than the life I had with Brian....and I think that is ok....and it has taken me two years to really be ok with that....because it is so hard to wrap my mind around giving myself permission to try to build something that was both different and good....and that has been a big hurdle to get over....I have struggled with thinking that a "different" life meant our "old" life wasn't good....it's twisted widow thinking....but it has been a hard one to work through....
What do I really mean by that? I meant to communicate that I was beginning to realize that it was ok and desireable to want to have a life that is different and maybe even more fulfilling than the life I had with Brian. "Bigger and "better" just wasn't exactly what I was trying to communicate....like this was going to be some kind of "trade up".
I was comparing it with the building that Brian rebuilt after the fire. When I really think about it, it would have been foolish for him to try to build the "exact" same building as was there before. Instead, he tried to tailor it to what his needs were and to what the market would appreciate when trying to sell it someday. Ok, so that is probably more what I was meaning. It would be foolish (and futile) for me to try to rebuild or keep the exact same life that we had before....first of all, that would be impossible because Brian is no longer here. But, more importantly, it would be wise to take a look at what our needs are, what our strengths are, what our resources are, etc. and try to rebuild something that utilized all of those to their fullest potential.
That is what I am trying to do. I am trying to get out of the box of my old life and build something more useful and more fulfilling based on what I have to work with....and that may look a little different than the life I had with Brian....and I think that is ok....and it has taken me two years to really be ok with that....because it is so hard to wrap my mind around giving myself permission to try to build something that was both different and good....and that has been a big hurdle to get over....I have struggled with thinking that a "different" life meant our "old" life wasn't good....it's twisted widow thinking....but it has been a hard one to work through....
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Kids....
So last night was one of those times when I had to put the kids to bed early because their behavior was less than desireable and I felt like there needed to be a consequence in order for a change to occur.
So, Lexi writes me this note:
Mom
I am sore (sorry) for the fusing (fussing). Mom wut (what) is in you bkus (because) you are prite (pretty) on the insid (inside). Plps (please) frgif (forgive) me.
Lexi
I asked her what do you mean you are pretty on the inside? She said you are nice and not mean....and then she said I love you mommy and hugged me and cried and cried and cried. I think what she was saying is "what got into you mom, you are usually nice and not mean...were we that bad'?
And then there is Braden.....who instead of owning up to his misbehavior tries to renegotiate the deal from his bedroom....he just couldn't let it go....he just kept on and kept on and kept on.....yelling from his room, "can't I stay up for five more minutes" or "mommy, it's still light outside"....he didn't give it up until about 9:30pm.
And....Nathan....well, he figured it out real quick that if he would just go to his room and be quiet that all things would be well...he played video games and read until he fell asleep...never tried to fight the punishment or acknowledge the problem....just went about his own business....keeping the peace...
Interesting how each of them respond to punishment.....their personalities are so unique and individual.
Not sure it is all that good, but it is interesting.
So, Lexi writes me this note:
Mom
I am sore (sorry) for the fusing (fussing). Mom wut (what) is in you bkus (because) you are prite (pretty) on the insid (inside). Plps (please) frgif (forgive) me.
Lexi
I asked her what do you mean you are pretty on the inside? She said you are nice and not mean....and then she said I love you mommy and hugged me and cried and cried and cried. I think what she was saying is "what got into you mom, you are usually nice and not mean...were we that bad'?
And then there is Braden.....who instead of owning up to his misbehavior tries to renegotiate the deal from his bedroom....he just couldn't let it go....he just kept on and kept on and kept on.....yelling from his room, "can't I stay up for five more minutes" or "mommy, it's still light outside"....he didn't give it up until about 9:30pm.
And....Nathan....well, he figured it out real quick that if he would just go to his room and be quiet that all things would be well...he played video games and read until he fell asleep...never tried to fight the punishment or acknowledge the problem....just went about his own business....keeping the peace...
Interesting how each of them respond to punishment.....their personalities are so unique and individual.
Not sure it is all that good, but it is interesting.
A LOT on my mind....
I am not sure where to begin but I have had some pretty significant insights today....I met with my counselor who is helping me deal with all the grief issues.....and he really helped me clarify some things.....here they are and they may seem a little random....
1. I am still struggling with "loyalty" issues....and when I seem to be moving forward I begin to question myself and it sometimes even feels disloyal to be having good days and making plans for the future.
2. I feel torn between the life I had and the life I dream of building. It, again, feels disloyal to be dreaming of a great life....and to be taking steps to reach goals....because what if my life ends up being better than it was before....does that take away from what Brian and I had....the answer has to be no but my heart says otherwise....
3. I remember when our business in Granbury burned to the ground in 2001. The building was a total loss. We had a choice to make...actually lots of choices...but the first one was whether to rebuild. That was an easy answer, we had to rebuild.....however, as I look back I realized that Brian made a deliberate decision to rebuild bigger and better....he had his head in the clouds as he was having plans drawn up to rebuild....and the end result was a building that was almost twice as big and ten times nicer. It was hell (literally almost) to go through, dealing with insurance and everything else.....but because he was determined to build it bigger and better many of his dreams became a reality. Fast-forward to now....I have already made the choice to rebuild....there is no other option when you have three kids....the choices I am making now are whether to actually dare to dream that what I rebuild could be bigger and better (edited to say maybe "different" and "more useful" is a better way to say it) than what I had before.....that is a hard thing for me to wrap my mind around and give myself permission to do....and I didn't realize that until today....when emotion bubbled up as I talked about my desire to dare to think that my life might could be better....which is where the loyalty/guilt issues again come in....
4. I also realized that going back to school sort of symbolizes to me my determination to rebuild and to try to build it different and more useful.....my analogy is this: I feel like that by going back to school I am getting back up to the plate and swinging for the fence. I suppose that I could stay on the injured list forever....or that I could just get up to bat and hope for a walk....using my grief as a crutch for not taking on any new dreams.....but to go back to school for my Phd...well, that's swinging for the fence....that's getting off the bench and back into the game.....and I think I need and want to do that.....I want to swing for the fence....even if I strike out or miss terribly, at least I will have tried. (side note: swinging for the fence is not about the glory of a home run...it's about the courage to swing like you mean it and to be determined to make the most out of what you've got....to leave it all on the field....to be able to say you gave it your all, held nothing back)
5. One other thing about going back to school.....it's the last dream that Brian and I shared that I could actually make happen. Brian always wanted me to go back to school (because that was who he was, always supportive of my dreams)...if he were here he would be pushing me out the door, saying GO FOR IT! All the other dreams that we had are gone except this one....and I think that makes it even more powerful for me....
6. I'd like to change my house a little....redo my bedroom a little and change his office to my office....this would mean taking down some of the pictures related to his businesses and personal stuff. There is a lot of emotion attached to making that decision....but I think I need to give myself permission to change some things....it is hard to give myself permission to move on....to put some things behind me....because it feels like I am saying that his life didn't matter.....but that is so far from the truth....I tend to connect "phsyical" things with him....and so, I am going to begin changing some things in the house....it just feels like time....
That's all for now...just had to get it out while it was fresh on my mind...
1. I am still struggling with "loyalty" issues....and when I seem to be moving forward I begin to question myself and it sometimes even feels disloyal to be having good days and making plans for the future.
2. I feel torn between the life I had and the life I dream of building. It, again, feels disloyal to be dreaming of a great life....and to be taking steps to reach goals....because what if my life ends up being better than it was before....does that take away from what Brian and I had....the answer has to be no but my heart says otherwise....
3. I remember when our business in Granbury burned to the ground in 2001. The building was a total loss. We had a choice to make...actually lots of choices...but the first one was whether to rebuild. That was an easy answer, we had to rebuild.....however, as I look back I realized that Brian made a deliberate decision to rebuild bigger and better....he had his head in the clouds as he was having plans drawn up to rebuild....and the end result was a building that was almost twice as big and ten times nicer. It was hell (literally almost) to go through, dealing with insurance and everything else.....but because he was determined to build it bigger and better many of his dreams became a reality. Fast-forward to now....I have already made the choice to rebuild....there is no other option when you have three kids....the choices I am making now are whether to actually dare to dream that what I rebuild could be bigger and better (edited to say maybe "different" and "more useful" is a better way to say it) than what I had before.....that is a hard thing for me to wrap my mind around and give myself permission to do....and I didn't realize that until today....when emotion bubbled up as I talked about my desire to dare to think that my life might could be better....which is where the loyalty/guilt issues again come in....
4. I also realized that going back to school sort of symbolizes to me my determination to rebuild and to try to build it different and more useful.....my analogy is this: I feel like that by going back to school I am getting back up to the plate and swinging for the fence. I suppose that I could stay on the injured list forever....or that I could just get up to bat and hope for a walk....using my grief as a crutch for not taking on any new dreams.....but to go back to school for my Phd...well, that's swinging for the fence....that's getting off the bench and back into the game.....and I think I need and want to do that.....I want to swing for the fence....even if I strike out or miss terribly, at least I will have tried. (side note: swinging for the fence is not about the glory of a home run...it's about the courage to swing like you mean it and to be determined to make the most out of what you've got....to leave it all on the field....to be able to say you gave it your all, held nothing back)
5. One other thing about going back to school.....it's the last dream that Brian and I shared that I could actually make happen. Brian always wanted me to go back to school (because that was who he was, always supportive of my dreams)...if he were here he would be pushing me out the door, saying GO FOR IT! All the other dreams that we had are gone except this one....and I think that makes it even more powerful for me....
6. I'd like to change my house a little....redo my bedroom a little and change his office to my office....this would mean taking down some of the pictures related to his businesses and personal stuff. There is a lot of emotion attached to making that decision....but I think I need to give myself permission to change some things....it is hard to give myself permission to move on....to put some things behind me....because it feels like I am saying that his life didn't matter.....but that is so far from the truth....I tend to connect "phsyical" things with him....and so, I am going to begin changing some things in the house....it just feels like time....
That's all for now...just had to get it out while it was fresh on my mind...
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Staying Connected
I don't really understand how we are wired...but I am realizing that being "connected" to others is pretty important. I guess that is part of what I grieve for in the loss of Brian....I don't have that "and the two shall become one" connection anymore and I have found that losing that "oneness" is probably the most difficult part of this journey. Brian and I did a pretty good job of staying connected...we spent lots of time together...shared each other's dreams....and were partners in every sense of the word in our parenting and in the way we ran our household....I miss that....and I don't know that I will ever find that type of connection again....and that makes me incredibly sad.
And then I have to live this life knowing how much I should have appreciated what we had but not being able to do a darn thing about it....so what do you do with that??? You've learned the most difficult lesson of your life and what do you do with it?.....and so it makes me a little hardened sometimes to hear other people's gripes and complaints about their marriage, jobs, finances, or any of a hundred other struggles that seem insignificant to me now. Yet, I know that they don't get it either....and they won't until it is gone....and so it isn't even fair for me to think they should get it....because they just can't...and, on top of that, I wouldn't want them to get it...because then they would be like me....and I don't wish that on anybody.....
I love people...I love my friends...I love my family....I just get tired of grinning and bearing it sometimes....and if people weren't so important to me I'd probably tell them what I really think....just a random vent....I don't struggle a lot with jealousy...but every once in a while I am jealous of the marriages that others have....and I miss the one I used to have....and usually those thoughts pop in and out of my head and don't affect me much....but then other times it really gets to me....
But back to "staying connected"....I spent my whole day today trying to "reconnect" with my kids. I think I have been operating so much on auto pilot lately that I have missed the "connections" with my kids. So, today I tried to do something with each one of them that I know they enjoy. I asked Lexi to help me in the kitchen and then we cooked a fun dessert. She loves to work in the kitchen. She put on her little apron and we had a grand time. Braden and I washed the car in the street. It took ten times longer than if I had taken it to the car wash....but he had a great time squirting the car and me....Nathan loves movies so I watched an entire movie with him tonight. We watched "Astronaut Farmer" and it was pretty good....and, we also took a family bike ride tonight in the neighborhood.....so at the end of the day I am saying prayers and Lexi starts crying pretty hard. I ask her what is wrong and she says "I miss daddy".....I hugged her and told her it was ok to cry and then I laid down with her until she fell asleep....I don't usually do that but it felt like the thing to do tonight....
So, I sit here and I reflect on the day....and I realize that the parent/child connection is something I need to continue to work on....how often do I really take the time to lay aside my agenda and just focus on them....not often enough....it was a really good day....and I am even grateful that Lexi felt connected enough with me to share her emotions....I sometimes forget how powerful and necessary that connection is....
I am not of the opinion that kids should be the center of the universe or that everything should revolve around them....but I do feel pretty convicted that my kids need a strong connection with me...their only living parent....I do a lot to help them stay connected to their dad...we talk about him a lot, etc.....but I know I have fallen short in staying connected with them...really connected with them....because I have been too impatient and too distracted by my own grief.....
I'd like to change that....I think I can....today was a good day, and for that I am grateful....
And then I have to live this life knowing how much I should have appreciated what we had but not being able to do a darn thing about it....so what do you do with that??? You've learned the most difficult lesson of your life and what do you do with it?.....and so it makes me a little hardened sometimes to hear other people's gripes and complaints about their marriage, jobs, finances, or any of a hundred other struggles that seem insignificant to me now. Yet, I know that they don't get it either....and they won't until it is gone....and so it isn't even fair for me to think they should get it....because they just can't...and, on top of that, I wouldn't want them to get it...because then they would be like me....and I don't wish that on anybody.....
I love people...I love my friends...I love my family....I just get tired of grinning and bearing it sometimes....and if people weren't so important to me I'd probably tell them what I really think....just a random vent....I don't struggle a lot with jealousy...but every once in a while I am jealous of the marriages that others have....and I miss the one I used to have....and usually those thoughts pop in and out of my head and don't affect me much....but then other times it really gets to me....
But back to "staying connected"....I spent my whole day today trying to "reconnect" with my kids. I think I have been operating so much on auto pilot lately that I have missed the "connections" with my kids. So, today I tried to do something with each one of them that I know they enjoy. I asked Lexi to help me in the kitchen and then we cooked a fun dessert. She loves to work in the kitchen. She put on her little apron and we had a grand time. Braden and I washed the car in the street. It took ten times longer than if I had taken it to the car wash....but he had a great time squirting the car and me....Nathan loves movies so I watched an entire movie with him tonight. We watched "Astronaut Farmer" and it was pretty good....and, we also took a family bike ride tonight in the neighborhood.....so at the end of the day I am saying prayers and Lexi starts crying pretty hard. I ask her what is wrong and she says "I miss daddy".....I hugged her and told her it was ok to cry and then I laid down with her until she fell asleep....I don't usually do that but it felt like the thing to do tonight....
So, I sit here and I reflect on the day....and I realize that the parent/child connection is something I need to continue to work on....how often do I really take the time to lay aside my agenda and just focus on them....not often enough....it was a really good day....and I am even grateful that Lexi felt connected enough with me to share her emotions....I sometimes forget how powerful and necessary that connection is....
I am not of the opinion that kids should be the center of the universe or that everything should revolve around them....but I do feel pretty convicted that my kids need a strong connection with me...their only living parent....I do a lot to help them stay connected to their dad...we talk about him a lot, etc.....but I know I have fallen short in staying connected with them...really connected with them....because I have been too impatient and too distracted by my own grief.....
I'd like to change that....I think I can....today was a good day, and for that I am grateful....
Friday, July 27, 2007
Redeemed...
So, as parenting usually goes, you have your good days and your bad days....yesterday was not so good....but today, it was much better. I took the kids to a water park....just me and them....and we had a great time....redeemed....feels good....Braden had his moments but has seen a lot of improvement since yesterday.....
Had an odd flashback (I guess you call it that) today....I had my cell phone in my bag and I was going back to our table that had my bag and lunch in it and the thought came into my mind, "I better check my phone, I bet Brian has tried to call"....weird....and for just a split second I believed it enough to think it....haven't had those type of thoughts since the first few months after he died....then, it would usually be that I would see a red truck and think "oh there he is...I knew he would come back"....
Life goes on....I find it hard to believe that my life is what it is now....a single parent with three kids to raise on my own....I didn't sign up for this....but, we are making it.....and having some good times too....today, all four of us rode every ride....Braden is finally tall enough to do everything....and it was really cool....and really fun....and for that I am grateful....
Had an odd flashback (I guess you call it that) today....I had my cell phone in my bag and I was going back to our table that had my bag and lunch in it and the thought came into my mind, "I better check my phone, I bet Brian has tried to call"....weird....and for just a split second I believed it enough to think it....haven't had those type of thoughts since the first few months after he died....then, it would usually be that I would see a red truck and think "oh there he is...I knew he would come back"....
Life goes on....I find it hard to believe that my life is what it is now....a single parent with three kids to raise on my own....I didn't sign up for this....but, we are making it.....and having some good times too....today, all four of us rode every ride....Braden is finally tall enough to do everything....and it was really cool....and really fun....and for that I am grateful....
Thursday, July 26, 2007
I need some backup here...
Dont' let the picture fool you....It's been a tough week in the parenting department. My youngest (the cute one above) is continuing to cause me to stretch myself in terms of my parenting style and approach. What has worked for my first two kids is not working so well with him. For the first time in my parenting history, I got called on my cell phone by his teacher to come and deal with him. I am very discouraged about him right now. I can't quite figure out what is going on....but I do wish I had some backup...there is no one but me to deal with him and no one but me to try to analyze what is going on....I wish Brian were here to help me....to brainstorm with me about ways we could change our approach with him....but he's not here....and I had to cry a little about that today....it isn't right that I am having to deal with these tough parenting issues on my own...I don't like it...as a matter of fact, I hate it. I hate that I am a single parent and I hate that my kids don't have their father's influence....and I hate the fact that when I most need backup....I have none....
ok, back to the regularly scheduled program....just had to vent and emote a little...
Life is still good....and I am determined to figure out how I can do a better job of parenting....and surely there is hope....
When he said his prayers tonight he thanked God for mommy and daddy and Lexi and Nathan...and great papa (who just died) and Brewster (our dog who also just died)....and then when I went to do prayers with Lexi she thanked God for her daddy too....just kind of unusual...they don't usually do that.....and tonight at the dinner table I asked them what they were thankful for and Lexi said she was thankful that she had a good daddy....I guess his influence is still there...and they still think he hung the moon.....and for that I am grateful...
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Steps Toward a Goal
For the past couple of weeks I have taken some steps toward an educational goal that I have had for a very long time. I have decided to apply for entrance into the PhD program at Southwestern. My focus area will be Childhood Education with a minor in Psychology and Counseling and I would expect that I will take the full seven years to complete it (I will be going very slowly...) I had already done some of the preliminary testing and so all I have had to do to complete the application is write a 25-30 page paper. I started writing it this weekend and I hope to finish within the next week and a half.
At this point, it has felt really good to be working toward a goal. I am actually headed in a direction....with a goal in sight....and I have enjoyed the learning process that has gone along with writing the paper. It feels good to be stretching myself and learning new things. I didn't realize how much of a couch potato learner I had become. I need an avenue to grow professionally...and I think I am ready to consider such a challenge.
I have no idea if I will be able to balance my work, my family, and school....but, I'd like to give it a try....and trying it doesn't mean that I will get accepted...it just means I am putting myself out there....trying to reach for a new dream....and life will certainly go on if this isn't meant to be...and it really doesn't even matter to me if I don't get to finish it....I am simply wanting to put my toes in the water and see how it feels....and if my work or family begins to suffer I will have to back off for a while...but at least I will have tried...
Regardless of what happens, it just feels so good to WANT to take on a new challenge...
The downside is that I am not all that fond of the administration at Southwestern....if it weren't so convenient and if I didn't know several of the professors I would go somewhere else....but I am trying not to let the people at the top keep me from even trying....but it does turn my stomach when I think too much about the administration and the direction they seem to be headed....maybe the pendulum will swing back towards the middle soon...it certainly can't go any further to the extreme than it has gone now...ah, I digress....
Again, it just feels good to have a dream of my own...and it feels good to be taking steps toward it...
At this point, it has felt really good to be working toward a goal. I am actually headed in a direction....with a goal in sight....and I have enjoyed the learning process that has gone along with writing the paper. It feels good to be stretching myself and learning new things. I didn't realize how much of a couch potato learner I had become. I need an avenue to grow professionally...and I think I am ready to consider such a challenge.
I have no idea if I will be able to balance my work, my family, and school....but, I'd like to give it a try....and trying it doesn't mean that I will get accepted...it just means I am putting myself out there....trying to reach for a new dream....and life will certainly go on if this isn't meant to be...and it really doesn't even matter to me if I don't get to finish it....I am simply wanting to put my toes in the water and see how it feels....and if my work or family begins to suffer I will have to back off for a while...but at least I will have tried...
Regardless of what happens, it just feels so good to WANT to take on a new challenge...
The downside is that I am not all that fond of the administration at Southwestern....if it weren't so convenient and if I didn't know several of the professors I would go somewhere else....but I am trying not to let the people at the top keep me from even trying....but it does turn my stomach when I think too much about the administration and the direction they seem to be headed....maybe the pendulum will swing back towards the middle soon...it certainly can't go any further to the extreme than it has gone now...ah, I digress....
Again, it just feels good to have a dream of my own...and it feels good to be taking steps toward it...
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Little House on the Prarie
Last night I watched "Little House on the Prarie: The Final Farewell". It was on the Hallmark channel and I just happened to catch it as I was flipping through the channels. I grew up with Laura Ingalls and Nellie Olsen...I loved one and hated the other. I always enjoyed watching those two duke it out....my favorite episodes were the ones where they were pitted against each other in some conflict.
As I watched "The Final Farewell" there was a line at the end that struck a chord with me.
As the show goes, the ending is that the town of Walnut Grove is taken over by a mean and nasty business man named Mr. Lassiter who produces titles to all of the land in Walnut Grove showing him as the owner. The people had worked all their lives building the town and building their homes and farms and businesses. Imagine the anger the people of Walnut Grove had when this man showed up to tell them all that they had done to build their lives there was done in vain because he was the true owner.
They are given 48 hours to vacate the town or they will be forcibly removed. Laura (God love her) is shown in a scene expressing her anger at losing her beautiful home....her husband tells her to let it out....and so she does...she smashes all the windows in her home...and finds some comfort in knowing the new owner will have a lot of repairs to make on his property.
Laura's response sparks an idea with the rest of the town.....they all realize that this man owns their land but he doesn't own what they have built.....and so they decide they will all blow up their homes and businesses so that the new owner will not profit from all of their work.
The town is united in a powerful way through this terrible ordeal. When the 48 hours is up the whole town has been blown up except the church. Mr. Lassiter comes riding in to town and sees the horrific damage. Not only does he see it, but he had also invited all the mayors of nearby cities to see what awaited their town when he shared the news with their towns people that he also owns their land.
When he rides in Nells Olsen represents the group and tells him that he may own the land but he never owned what they built. The Colonel who came with Mr. Lassiter (to provide a show of force) agrees with Nells and tells him that the people of Walnut Grove have done nothing wrong and that he will not be pressing any charges against them.
Mr. Lassiter is speechless.....and then the mayor of the next city on his hit list says "if you try to come in and take over our town I can promise you that we will do the same as the people of Walnut Grove....we will not allow you to take what we have worked all our lives to build".
The Reverend Alder hears what he says and makes this very emotional statment: "Did you hear that Walnut Grove? Walnut Grove DID NOT DIE IN VAIN"....and the people cheeered and began singing (ok that was a little corny....but they always sang on Little House on the Prarie...usually it was "Bringing in the sheathes....etc) as they left the town that many of them had worked all their lives to build....and they left with their heads held high knowing they had prevented this mean and nasty businessman from wreaking havoc on the next town on his list".
I thought to myself....part of my healing is my desire to say, "Brian M_____ you did not die in vain.....I kept living....I kept dreaming....I kept the very best parts of you alive in our family....I took the lessons I learned from your life and death and did something with them....I did my best to keep your memory alive in the hearts of our kids....your life meant something.....it matters that you lived and it matters that you died....I am a better person because of your life AND your death.....You DID NOT DIE IN VAIN....
And, I think another part of my healing is when I am able to help someone else who is going through something similar....when I can hold my head high and know that what I have been through has not been in vain....when I can realize how God can take the pain and destruction in my life and use it to minister to others.....
And then....like the people of Walnut Grove...I have to leave behind that which has been destroyed.....and I have to rebuild....I don't have to forget what was once there....but I do have to walk on....appreciating what I had but understanding that it is now gone.....God help me walk on...wherever that may lead me.....
As I watched "The Final Farewell" there was a line at the end that struck a chord with me.
As the show goes, the ending is that the town of Walnut Grove is taken over by a mean and nasty business man named Mr. Lassiter who produces titles to all of the land in Walnut Grove showing him as the owner. The people had worked all their lives building the town and building their homes and farms and businesses. Imagine the anger the people of Walnut Grove had when this man showed up to tell them all that they had done to build their lives there was done in vain because he was the true owner.
They are given 48 hours to vacate the town or they will be forcibly removed. Laura (God love her) is shown in a scene expressing her anger at losing her beautiful home....her husband tells her to let it out....and so she does...she smashes all the windows in her home...and finds some comfort in knowing the new owner will have a lot of repairs to make on his property.
Laura's response sparks an idea with the rest of the town.....they all realize that this man owns their land but he doesn't own what they have built.....and so they decide they will all blow up their homes and businesses so that the new owner will not profit from all of their work.
The town is united in a powerful way through this terrible ordeal. When the 48 hours is up the whole town has been blown up except the church. Mr. Lassiter comes riding in to town and sees the horrific damage. Not only does he see it, but he had also invited all the mayors of nearby cities to see what awaited their town when he shared the news with their towns people that he also owns their land.
When he rides in Nells Olsen represents the group and tells him that he may own the land but he never owned what they built. The Colonel who came with Mr. Lassiter (to provide a show of force) agrees with Nells and tells him that the people of Walnut Grove have done nothing wrong and that he will not be pressing any charges against them.
Mr. Lassiter is speechless.....and then the mayor of the next city on his hit list says "if you try to come in and take over our town I can promise you that we will do the same as the people of Walnut Grove....we will not allow you to take what we have worked all our lives to build".
The Reverend Alder hears what he says and makes this very emotional statment: "Did you hear that Walnut Grove? Walnut Grove DID NOT DIE IN VAIN"....and the people cheeered and began singing (ok that was a little corny....but they always sang on Little House on the Prarie...usually it was "Bringing in the sheathes....etc) as they left the town that many of them had worked all their lives to build....and they left with their heads held high knowing they had prevented this mean and nasty businessman from wreaking havoc on the next town on his list".
I thought to myself....part of my healing is my desire to say, "Brian M_____ you did not die in vain.....I kept living....I kept dreaming....I kept the very best parts of you alive in our family....I took the lessons I learned from your life and death and did something with them....I did my best to keep your memory alive in the hearts of our kids....your life meant something.....it matters that you lived and it matters that you died....I am a better person because of your life AND your death.....You DID NOT DIE IN VAIN....
And, I think another part of my healing is when I am able to help someone else who is going through something similar....when I can hold my head high and know that what I have been through has not been in vain....when I can realize how God can take the pain and destruction in my life and use it to minister to others.....
And then....like the people of Walnut Grove...I have to leave behind that which has been destroyed.....and I have to rebuild....I don't have to forget what was once there....but I do have to walk on....appreciating what I had but understanding that it is now gone.....God help me walk on...wherever that may lead me.....
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Carpet Cleaners and Funeral Plants
I just had to share my carpet cleaner story since I alluded to it in the last post and it is definitely one of those stories worth writing down that I don't want to forget.
Here is what happened:
I had a carpet cleaner come out to the house to clean my carpet about a year after Brian died. We were looking for a new carpet cleaner for the church to do some of the children's area and so I was extra friendly with this guy...hoping to find someone who would do the church carpet too.
He came in the house and when he realized I worked for a church he also became a little more friendly. He told me that he was an ordained minister of the church of Yahweh. Yeah, whatever. I didn't think much about it...he was easy enough to talk to and I felt pretty comfortable with him there.
The conversation continued as he began to work....he eventually asked me the dreaded question, "what does your husband do?" My kids were in the same room and so I had to be honest....I said "I am a widow, he died about a year ago". If my kids hadn't been there I probably would have said "he's a custom home builder" and left it at that...I try to protect my personal information and I don't like people knowing I live by myself.
As you can imagine he told me how sorry he was....blah, blah, blah. I expected that....but what I didn't expect is what he said to me next. He said, "do you believe it is ok for you to remarry?" I said, "excuse me"....I was giving myself time to figure out how I was going to answer....he repeated the question....and I said, "what do you mean...do you mean biblically is it ok for me to remarry?" He said 'yes, I want to know if you think Scripture teaches you that you can remarry after your spouse dies". I said something like "well, yes, I think it is probably ok. I don't know of any Scriptures that teach against it". He said "no ma'am you are wrong. The Word teaches that if you remarry you will be thrown into the lake of fire". At this point I really thought he was kidding......and then when I realized he wasn't kidding I wasn't sure how to take him. I then asked him "where does it say that in the Bible?" He never really answered but then went on to give me a lecture about how I would be separated from God eternally if I broke the covenant I made between God and Brian. His last words to me before my blood began to boil and I had to leave the room were "how do you think your husband would feel if he knew you were with another man...don't you think that would be the ultimate betrayal"?
I am telling you the absolute truth....those words actually came out of his mouth. I said, "I think relationships in heaven are going to be a little different than they are here and I don't think that is really going to be an issue".....He told me again how wrong I was and how awful hell would be.....I then said " I think you and I are going to have to just agree to disagree" and I walked out of the room and tried to compose myself enough to figure out if I should ask him to leave my home...I decided that he knew too much about me to tick him off...so I let him finish, paid him and never said another word to him.
Can ya believe that? I so did not deserve that lecture. It bordered on spiritual harrassment.... I guess if I had told him I was dating or that I wanted to get remarried I can see where he might feel the need to share his opinion. But, I hadn't even so much as had a conversation with someone I would consider dating....I wasn't out on the prowl....I was minding my own business in my own home and he had the gall to put me through the ringer.
Definitely the stupidest thing anyone has ever said to me......and probably also the most hurtful....at the time anyways....now I can kind of laugh about it....
Funeral plants....I put the last two out in the garage to die tonight. I have grown weary of trying to keep them alive.....is that a bad thing? I am tired of seeing them and being reminded of why I have them....and it is hard to keep them looking good....so the last of the many plants that were sent to me are dead. I kept up with most of them for about a year and a half....then slowly I have been letting them go.....weird isn't it?
Here is what happened:
I had a carpet cleaner come out to the house to clean my carpet about a year after Brian died. We were looking for a new carpet cleaner for the church to do some of the children's area and so I was extra friendly with this guy...hoping to find someone who would do the church carpet too.
He came in the house and when he realized I worked for a church he also became a little more friendly. He told me that he was an ordained minister of the church of Yahweh. Yeah, whatever. I didn't think much about it...he was easy enough to talk to and I felt pretty comfortable with him there.
The conversation continued as he began to work....he eventually asked me the dreaded question, "what does your husband do?" My kids were in the same room and so I had to be honest....I said "I am a widow, he died about a year ago". If my kids hadn't been there I probably would have said "he's a custom home builder" and left it at that...I try to protect my personal information and I don't like people knowing I live by myself.
As you can imagine he told me how sorry he was....blah, blah, blah. I expected that....but what I didn't expect is what he said to me next. He said, "do you believe it is ok for you to remarry?" I said, "excuse me"....I was giving myself time to figure out how I was going to answer....he repeated the question....and I said, "what do you mean...do you mean biblically is it ok for me to remarry?" He said 'yes, I want to know if you think Scripture teaches you that you can remarry after your spouse dies". I said something like "well, yes, I think it is probably ok. I don't know of any Scriptures that teach against it". He said "no ma'am you are wrong. The Word teaches that if you remarry you will be thrown into the lake of fire". At this point I really thought he was kidding......and then when I realized he wasn't kidding I wasn't sure how to take him. I then asked him "where does it say that in the Bible?" He never really answered but then went on to give me a lecture about how I would be separated from God eternally if I broke the covenant I made between God and Brian. His last words to me before my blood began to boil and I had to leave the room were "how do you think your husband would feel if he knew you were with another man...don't you think that would be the ultimate betrayal"?
I am telling you the absolute truth....those words actually came out of his mouth. I said, "I think relationships in heaven are going to be a little different than they are here and I don't think that is really going to be an issue".....He told me again how wrong I was and how awful hell would be.....I then said " I think you and I are going to have to just agree to disagree" and I walked out of the room and tried to compose myself enough to figure out if I should ask him to leave my home...I decided that he knew too much about me to tick him off...so I let him finish, paid him and never said another word to him.
Can ya believe that? I so did not deserve that lecture. It bordered on spiritual harrassment.... I guess if I had told him I was dating or that I wanted to get remarried I can see where he might feel the need to share his opinion. But, I hadn't even so much as had a conversation with someone I would consider dating....I wasn't out on the prowl....I was minding my own business in my own home and he had the gall to put me through the ringer.
Definitely the stupidest thing anyone has ever said to me......and probably also the most hurtful....at the time anyways....now I can kind of laugh about it....
Funeral plants....I put the last two out in the garage to die tonight. I have grown weary of trying to keep them alive.....is that a bad thing? I am tired of seeing them and being reminded of why I have them....and it is hard to keep them looking good....so the last of the many plants that were sent to me are dead. I kept up with most of them for about a year and a half....then slowly I have been letting them go.....weird isn't it?
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Just for fun...
Just for fun I thought I would try to write down a few of the interesting things I have learned since becoming a widow.....
I've learned that....
**Lawn mowers need oil...and mine needs Penzoil 30 Weight
**Refrigerators have filters that have to be changed or they clog and flood your kitchen
**There are certain types of fertilizers to grow grass and certain types to kill weeds...knowing the right combination is the key.
**There are weedeaters and blowers that are battery charged....and they work pretty darn good.
**There are three different types of filters for the return vents in my house.
**My air compressor needs to be drained and blown out once a year.
**There is a reason why some water hoses cost 7.00 and some cost 50.00....you get what you pay for.
**There are some people that you just can't trust...and doing business with those types of people is no fun at all.
**Grilling isn't nearly as hard as I thought it was....I think I have become pretty accomplished at it.
**Buying the warranty for tires is a pretty good idea...I have already gotten two new tires out of the warranty....who knew?
**Those stickers in your window indicate when it is time to get your vehicle inspected...and it comes once a year...
**My car has to be cleaned out about once a week...or things start to grow....
**There are vet clinics that stay open all night. They will also help you dispose of your pet when he dies....again, who knew?
**It is nearly impossible to have all the lightbulbs working in the house at one time...
**After you get the really tall ladder out and think you have all the lightbulbs working...the next day another high one will go out.
**TXU can come and turn off your electricity just because they don't like how your meter box looks...and give you no warning...
**Putting together toys and bicycles and motorized toys is a lot harder than Brian ever made it look.
**Packing up the car and loading and unloading luggage is no fun!
**Lighting the pilot light in the fireplace is tricky, but doable....
**If your garbage disposal stops working suddenly it doesn't necessarily mean it is broke...check the breakers and hit the reset switch and your problem may be solved.
**You can buy windshield wiper replacements at the auto parts store and they will even help you put them on.
**Never ever engage in conversation with a carpet cleaner who tells you he is an ordained minister of the church of Yahweh....but maybe that is a another post I will write someday..."the top ten stupidest things ever said to you about losing your spouse"
Guess that is all for now...maybe I will continue to add to the list later...
I have learned a whole lot....and I have had a whole lot of friends and neighbors help me with things I have no clue about....and for that I am grateful...
I've learned that....
**Lawn mowers need oil...and mine needs Penzoil 30 Weight
**Refrigerators have filters that have to be changed or they clog and flood your kitchen
**There are certain types of fertilizers to grow grass and certain types to kill weeds...knowing the right combination is the key.
**There are weedeaters and blowers that are battery charged....and they work pretty darn good.
**There are three different types of filters for the return vents in my house.
**My air compressor needs to be drained and blown out once a year.
**There is a reason why some water hoses cost 7.00 and some cost 50.00....you get what you pay for.
**There are some people that you just can't trust...and doing business with those types of people is no fun at all.
**Grilling isn't nearly as hard as I thought it was....I think I have become pretty accomplished at it.
**Buying the warranty for tires is a pretty good idea...I have already gotten two new tires out of the warranty....who knew?
**Those stickers in your window indicate when it is time to get your vehicle inspected...and it comes once a year...
**My car has to be cleaned out about once a week...or things start to grow....
**There are vet clinics that stay open all night. They will also help you dispose of your pet when he dies....again, who knew?
**It is nearly impossible to have all the lightbulbs working in the house at one time...
**After you get the really tall ladder out and think you have all the lightbulbs working...the next day another high one will go out.
**TXU can come and turn off your electricity just because they don't like how your meter box looks...and give you no warning...
**Putting together toys and bicycles and motorized toys is a lot harder than Brian ever made it look.
**Packing up the car and loading and unloading luggage is no fun!
**Lighting the pilot light in the fireplace is tricky, but doable....
**If your garbage disposal stops working suddenly it doesn't necessarily mean it is broke...check the breakers and hit the reset switch and your problem may be solved.
**You can buy windshield wiper replacements at the auto parts store and they will even help you put them on.
**Never ever engage in conversation with a carpet cleaner who tells you he is an ordained minister of the church of Yahweh....but maybe that is a another post I will write someday..."the top ten stupidest things ever said to you about losing your spouse"
Guess that is all for now...maybe I will continue to add to the list later...
I have learned a whole lot....and I have had a whole lot of friends and neighbors help me with things I have no clue about....and for that I am grateful...
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Random Thoughts
I spent the past few days in Oklahoma celebrating the Fourth of July. Getting away from my "life" here always tends to generate a lot of thinking and pondering.....here are some of my random thoughts and experiences from the past few days....
**Job continues to fascinate me. It hit me yesterday that sometimes an "experience" with God is more powerful than an "explanation" from God. If you think about Job, there was an explanation for what happened to him....there was a conversation between Satan and God that provides a clue as to why what happened to Job happened....but Job never knew that. Job never knew what God and Satan had talked about. Interesting. This indicates to me that there are times when an "experience" with God is more effective than the "explanation". How would Job have felt had he known the conversation that God and Satan had....interesting....
**I saw a lady at the mall in Tulsa who hadn't seen me in probably 15 years. I was with my sister. She looked at me and said "you look the same" and then she looked at my sister and said "you look different, your face has thinned down or something". I told my sister later that I wasn't sure that was a compliment to either one of us. And then I thought....guess I need a new style or something....but then I really thought....my looks may not have changed much but I am glad that "I" have changed....it wouldn't be a compliment for someone to tell me that I haven't changed....I need to change....and I need to grow and be stretched....and I hope I am always changing....and I would hope it would be noticeable....
**I went for a walk with my dad one evening and he asked me "have you found a man yet?" I told him no and I wasn't looking. He said "why not?" I said because I don't think that is what my kids need. The conversation went on and on. I struggle to understand his persistence with this issue. I was able to articulate pretty clearly where I stood on the issue but he still continued to push. This is one of those awkward parts of being a young widow. This isn't what I asked for....it isn't what I signed up for....I never had any intentions of marrying anyone but Brian....it just makes me mad that I am in a position where I have to defend myself as to why I am ok with being single right now. It's like my world won't be ok unless I marry again...according to him anyways....makes me kind of feel like a second-class mom or something...I know he didn't mean it that way....but it would be nice if he could be content with where I am at right now so that I could continue to be content....instead he keeps messing with my head and making me sort of believe that I won't be ok by myself...but I am pretty sure I am ok by myself....it isn't ideal...but it isn't bad....oh well...just random thoughts here...
**I thought some more about the "where do I go from here post"...I know, quit beating a dead horse....but, my thought is that maybe it isn't so much about "where" as it is about "how". "How" do I continue to rebuild our life...yes, I know I am rebuilding...but it seems to be getting more complicated or something....I went to dinner with Brian's parents while we were in Oklahoma and the thought crossed my mind...."I wonder what kind of relationship they want with me"? They are always so kind and warm and accepting and they continue to include me in everything....but I couldn't help but wonder "how do I know what kind of relationship they want or need and what kind of a relationship I want or need". I know my kids need a relationship with them and I am committed to that...but is it healthy for me to try to keep the relationship the same....ohhh I am so confused about this....I don't know how to navigate through the changes that this relationship with them will surely go through....maybe they could care less about me....I know they love the kids...or maybe it really hurts when I am around because they wish Brian was there with me...I don't know....I really don't know "How" to keep doing that relationship..
**I have been thinking more about pursuing my PhD...it is a goal I have always had and it was a goal that Brian encouraged me to have....but, my kids have needed my full attention so I have put it off....but I keep thinking about it....and I just want to have a goal to work towards....a dream to chase.....and maybe the timing is getting closer...maybe I can land the plane soon instead of just circling the airport....I just want to make the most of the influence I have....and getting a PhD would provide a platform for more influence....more influence in children's ministry...more influence in counseling....I just want to make the most of the education and life experiences that I have had....is that a bad or selfish motive?
**Lexi caught me off guard yesterday. She got a new dress when we went to the mall and she was wearing it last night and I told her how pretty she was. Just kind of off the cuff I asked her if she was going to get married someday. She said she was. Then I asked her who she thought she might marry. She said "I will marry whoever God sends me". I was floored by her very confident remark. She hasn't heard me say that before....I am not sure where she got her "line"....but it was a really sweet moment....and I have high hopes for her...
**My dad and his siblings are dealing with some business issues related to the death of their father (my grandfather). My dad was telling me about something they had decided to sell. Apparently my Aunt had always said she wanted this particular piece of property. But, she told my dad last week that "I am finding that it is getting harder to hold on to things than it is to let them go". I thought it was a pretty profound statement....and maybe that is where I am at....it is getting harder to hold on to things than it is to let them go....Of course, I am not talking about "things"....I am talking about letting go of the life I once had with Brian....hanging on to that life served a purpose for a time....but time has continued to change things....and it continues to change me....and "letting go" is beginning to feel more natural than "hanging on"....
**Job continues to fascinate me. It hit me yesterday that sometimes an "experience" with God is more powerful than an "explanation" from God. If you think about Job, there was an explanation for what happened to him....there was a conversation between Satan and God that provides a clue as to why what happened to Job happened....but Job never knew that. Job never knew what God and Satan had talked about. Interesting. This indicates to me that there are times when an "experience" with God is more effective than the "explanation". How would Job have felt had he known the conversation that God and Satan had....interesting....
**I saw a lady at the mall in Tulsa who hadn't seen me in probably 15 years. I was with my sister. She looked at me and said "you look the same" and then she looked at my sister and said "you look different, your face has thinned down or something". I told my sister later that I wasn't sure that was a compliment to either one of us. And then I thought....guess I need a new style or something....but then I really thought....my looks may not have changed much but I am glad that "I" have changed....it wouldn't be a compliment for someone to tell me that I haven't changed....I need to change....and I need to grow and be stretched....and I hope I am always changing....and I would hope it would be noticeable....
**I went for a walk with my dad one evening and he asked me "have you found a man yet?" I told him no and I wasn't looking. He said "why not?" I said because I don't think that is what my kids need. The conversation went on and on. I struggle to understand his persistence with this issue. I was able to articulate pretty clearly where I stood on the issue but he still continued to push. This is one of those awkward parts of being a young widow. This isn't what I asked for....it isn't what I signed up for....I never had any intentions of marrying anyone but Brian....it just makes me mad that I am in a position where I have to defend myself as to why I am ok with being single right now. It's like my world won't be ok unless I marry again...according to him anyways....makes me kind of feel like a second-class mom or something...I know he didn't mean it that way....but it would be nice if he could be content with where I am at right now so that I could continue to be content....instead he keeps messing with my head and making me sort of believe that I won't be ok by myself...but I am pretty sure I am ok by myself....it isn't ideal...but it isn't bad....oh well...just random thoughts here...
**I thought some more about the "where do I go from here post"...I know, quit beating a dead horse....but, my thought is that maybe it isn't so much about "where" as it is about "how". "How" do I continue to rebuild our life...yes, I know I am rebuilding...but it seems to be getting more complicated or something....I went to dinner with Brian's parents while we were in Oklahoma and the thought crossed my mind...."I wonder what kind of relationship they want with me"? They are always so kind and warm and accepting and they continue to include me in everything....but I couldn't help but wonder "how do I know what kind of relationship they want or need and what kind of a relationship I want or need". I know my kids need a relationship with them and I am committed to that...but is it healthy for me to try to keep the relationship the same....ohhh I am so confused about this....I don't know how to navigate through the changes that this relationship with them will surely go through....maybe they could care less about me....I know they love the kids...or maybe it really hurts when I am around because they wish Brian was there with me...I don't know....I really don't know "How" to keep doing that relationship..
**I have been thinking more about pursuing my PhD...it is a goal I have always had and it was a goal that Brian encouraged me to have....but, my kids have needed my full attention so I have put it off....but I keep thinking about it....and I just want to have a goal to work towards....a dream to chase.....and maybe the timing is getting closer...maybe I can land the plane soon instead of just circling the airport....I just want to make the most of the influence I have....and getting a PhD would provide a platform for more influence....more influence in children's ministry...more influence in counseling....I just want to make the most of the education and life experiences that I have had....is that a bad or selfish motive?
**Lexi caught me off guard yesterday. She got a new dress when we went to the mall and she was wearing it last night and I told her how pretty she was. Just kind of off the cuff I asked her if she was going to get married someday. She said she was. Then I asked her who she thought she might marry. She said "I will marry whoever God sends me". I was floored by her very confident remark. She hasn't heard me say that before....I am not sure where she got her "line"....but it was a really sweet moment....and I have high hopes for her...
**My dad and his siblings are dealing with some business issues related to the death of their father (my grandfather). My dad was telling me about something they had decided to sell. Apparently my Aunt had always said she wanted this particular piece of property. But, she told my dad last week that "I am finding that it is getting harder to hold on to things than it is to let them go". I thought it was a pretty profound statement....and maybe that is where I am at....it is getting harder to hold on to things than it is to let them go....Of course, I am not talking about "things"....I am talking about letting go of the life I once had with Brian....hanging on to that life served a purpose for a time....but time has continued to change things....and it continues to change me....and "letting go" is beginning to feel more natural than "hanging on"....
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Top Ten Vacation Memories 2007
I wanted to jot down some of my favorite vacation memories from last week....mainly for my own sake....
10. The older lady in "Mamasitos" restaraunt (she and her husband sat at the table next to us) who came over to our table and complimented my kids and my nephew's behavior. She said something to the effect of "we eat out a lot and there are very few kids as well behaved as yours were tonight".... Honestly, I was waiting for the punch-line...maybe she was smoking something....ya think?
9. The fantastic view of the beach from our hotel balcony.
8. Picking up shells on the beach with my kids and then watching my mom sit on the balcony teaching them how to make necklaces out of the shells. (Martha Stewart would have been impressed)
7. Losing one of our keys to the room and having to pay 75.00 for a locksmith to rekey our condo....I was not a happy camper about that....
6. Floating together on the lazy river at SeaWorld in the pouring down rain.
5. Going crab-hunting on the beach with the kids at 10:00pm with flashlights. I don't know when we have had so much fun....lots of laughter and giggles.
4. Watching Nathan put on diving gear and actually stay under water for 20 minutes at SeaTrek. I was amazed that he was brave enough to do it...I wanted nothing to do with it....I get claustrophiba too easily...
3. Watching Nathan, Lexi and Braden learn to surf at BoogieBahn at Schlitterbahn. Absolutely amazing...I was blown away...
2. Getting to spend time with my mom and realizing (again) what a great "meemaw" she is....she did everything we did.....and had fun doing it...hope I am that cool someday...
1. Building the sandcastle in honor of Brian for Father's Day.
10. The older lady in "Mamasitos" restaraunt (she and her husband sat at the table next to us) who came over to our table and complimented my kids and my nephew's behavior. She said something to the effect of "we eat out a lot and there are very few kids as well behaved as yours were tonight".... Honestly, I was waiting for the punch-line...maybe she was smoking something....ya think?
9. The fantastic view of the beach from our hotel balcony.
8. Picking up shells on the beach with my kids and then watching my mom sit on the balcony teaching them how to make necklaces out of the shells. (Martha Stewart would have been impressed)
7. Losing one of our keys to the room and having to pay 75.00 for a locksmith to rekey our condo....I was not a happy camper about that....
6. Floating together on the lazy river at SeaWorld in the pouring down rain.
5. Going crab-hunting on the beach with the kids at 10:00pm with flashlights. I don't know when we have had so much fun....lots of laughter and giggles.
4. Watching Nathan put on diving gear and actually stay under water for 20 minutes at SeaTrek. I was amazed that he was brave enough to do it...I wanted nothing to do with it....I get claustrophiba too easily...
3. Watching Nathan, Lexi and Braden learn to surf at BoogieBahn at Schlitterbahn. Absolutely amazing...I was blown away...
2. Getting to spend time with my mom and realizing (again) what a great "meemaw" she is....she did everything we did.....and had fun doing it...hope I am that cool someday...
1. Building the sandcastle in honor of Brian for Father's Day.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Where to go from here....
I feel like I have caught my breath enough now to begin asking the question "where do I want to go from here"? I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me.....but I feel like I have probably made it through the worst part of this grief journey and I wonder where I am now headed. Afterall, I spent most of my life planning where I was headed....I have been accused many times of being too much of a planner when it comes to my life...my goals...my dreams....and my plans were thrown out the window when Brian died....not by my choosing....and now I find myself living "without a plan"....
I don't even know where I am going with this....but my whole identity was changed when Brian died. I am no longer a wife....I am no longer Brian's wife...my life is no longer centered on him....I don't make decisions based on what is good for "us" but what is good for "me and the kids".
It's a rather precarious place to be....to feel like in many ways there is a blank slate to write on....but feeling unsure and uneasy about beginning to write "my" own chapter....a chapter that doesn't include Brian....oh his memory is there....and I will always treasure the memory of our love.....but I can't keep living the same life that I lived when he was here...because he isn't here anymore...it's just me and the kids...and we have to create our own life and legacy....
So....what do I do? How do I give myself freedom to create a new life and where do I get the courage to make decisions that are difficult to make?
I am happy with my life now....everything about it is great....great church, great job, great house, great neighborhood, great friends, great school for my kids to go to....everything is "great"......really, it is....
But, there seems to be some unrest within me right now....I can't quite figure it out....but I wonder where I am headed....I don't really have a plan anymore....there are no big goals out there that I am working towards...no one to share dreams with....and I miss that....
Recreating my identity is somewhat mysterious to me....I don't really get it....I liked who I was....but that isn't who I am now....and yet I know I am not yet who I will be....I am in transition I guess (but then again, isn't everyone in transition).....and transition doesn't come naturally to me when it is being forced upon me.....
The unrest within me.....I don't like it...it's uncomfortable....not in a hugely bad way....just uncomfortable....and uncertain....and maybe a little confusing......and maybe it's just a part of the grief process...grieving for the lost goals and dreams that we had as a couple....
Where to go from here......I need a plan....in the worst way....and then maybe I wouldn't feel like I was just treading water..getting nowhere....
Yet...even after I read what I just wrote I recognize that I have come a long way....there has been much progress....it's just I don't know where to go from here......and I guess I didn't really know where I was heading for the past two years....but I knew there was movement and progress....and now I wonder how I will measure that....how will I know that I am moving in some positive direction....I now understand how short life is and I don't want to waste it....and I hope I am not.....
I don't even know where I am going with this....but my whole identity was changed when Brian died. I am no longer a wife....I am no longer Brian's wife...my life is no longer centered on him....I don't make decisions based on what is good for "us" but what is good for "me and the kids".
It's a rather precarious place to be....to feel like in many ways there is a blank slate to write on....but feeling unsure and uneasy about beginning to write "my" own chapter....a chapter that doesn't include Brian....oh his memory is there....and I will always treasure the memory of our love.....but I can't keep living the same life that I lived when he was here...because he isn't here anymore...it's just me and the kids...and we have to create our own life and legacy....
So....what do I do? How do I give myself freedom to create a new life and where do I get the courage to make decisions that are difficult to make?
I am happy with my life now....everything about it is great....great church, great job, great house, great neighborhood, great friends, great school for my kids to go to....everything is "great"......really, it is....
But, there seems to be some unrest within me right now....I can't quite figure it out....but I wonder where I am headed....I don't really have a plan anymore....there are no big goals out there that I am working towards...no one to share dreams with....and I miss that....
Recreating my identity is somewhat mysterious to me....I don't really get it....I liked who I was....but that isn't who I am now....and yet I know I am not yet who I will be....I am in transition I guess (but then again, isn't everyone in transition).....and transition doesn't come naturally to me when it is being forced upon me.....
The unrest within me.....I don't like it...it's uncomfortable....not in a hugely bad way....just uncomfortable....and uncertain....and maybe a little confusing......and maybe it's just a part of the grief process...grieving for the lost goals and dreams that we had as a couple....
Where to go from here......I need a plan....in the worst way....and then maybe I wouldn't feel like I was just treading water..getting nowhere....
Yet...even after I read what I just wrote I recognize that I have come a long way....there has been much progress....it's just I don't know where to go from here......and I guess I didn't really know where I was heading for the past two years....but I knew there was movement and progress....and now I wonder how I will measure that....how will I know that I am moving in some positive direction....I now understand how short life is and I don't want to waste it....and I hope I am not.....
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Celebrating Dad
This past week I took my children to South Padre Island. The picture above is what we created on Father's Day to celebrate their dad. We had some help from a local professional sand castle builder (can you believe people do that for a living?). We had a wonderful time building it. For me, it was one of the highlights of our trip.
It has now been over two years since Brian died and I made it through the anniversary of his death, Father's Day, and our wedding anniversary. Those three significant days come within four days of each other. Needless to say, I think it will probably become a tradition that I take my kids on vacation around those dates every year. It seems to help to be away from home and out trying to have some fun, even in the midst of some painful reminders.
This year I was struck by the difference in how I viewed the anniversary of his death. Last year it was all about "remembering his death". It seemed impossible not to relive the nightmare.....the phone call, the hospital, telling the kids, the funeral....all of those events consumed my mind and it was an extremely painful week.
For whatever reason....maybe call it healing....this year it seemed to be more about "celebrating his life". I found myself wanting to make sure we did things on our vacation that celebrated who he was. I planned the sand castle building specifically to be a fun thing that also symbolized the best parts of Brian. Brian was extremely creative and loved to build things. I know he would have gotten a real kick out of seeing us build the sand castle in honor of him.
I don't think I will ever be able to forget the painful events of his death...and I don't even think that should be a goal....but I am thankful that I seem to be able to now focus on celebrating his life....smiling....and knowing that we were loved by him...completely and totally loved by him....and for that I am grateful....
Thursday, June 14, 2007
The Ups and Downs of VBS
Well, I made it through year two of VBS since the death of Brian. It continues to be a difficult task for me to disconnect VBS from Brian's death. This year was a little easier...I was far more engaged than last year....but I didn't finish as strongly as I would have liked.
I was most concerned about tonight....family night....because like I said, I connect VBS Family Night with when Brian died....I tried as hard as I could to disconnect the emotions from tonight....but I wasn't completely successful. I made it through the program until about 15 minutes were left in it.....I just got overwhelmed...a little shaky....and nauseous. I left the sanctuary and walked around the building for a few minutes until I could gain my composure back....I did gain it back...but I just couldn't go back in.....part of it I can't explain because I don't even understand it....and part of it was because I knew I would panic if I had to go in front of the group and be on stage....all the staff was supposed to be part of a practical joke as part of the program....I thought I was going to be ok with it but the further we got in the day I realized I just wasn't up for it. I backed out of it....took some flack for it.....but in my mind, just being able to be there was enough of a challenge.....and to have to be up on stage was just too much....and I shouldn't have been surprised that people wouldn't have a clue that that would be difficult....sometimes I forget that I can't expect people to understand....most people my age haven't been through what I have been through....and I wouldn't wish that on them.......anways...
So, I guess I didn't finish as strong as I would have liked to....but I did my best....and I did make it through most of it....and I will try to see that as progress.....I know there are people who think I was just being a fuddy-duddy.....but it had nothing to do with that....I just couldn't....I just couldn't.....and I hate that.....and I hate this.....
On a positive note...I had prayed that God would redefine how I thought of VBS.....I prayed that God would work in my kids lives and that something significant spiritually would happen to my kids during VBS....not so much this year because I knew my kids weren't close to making a decision yet....but just a general prayer that God would help be find a way to redefine this event. Tonight, Lexi came forward expressing her desire to follow Jesus. I had an opportunity to talk to her....she isn't ready yet...and she even knows that....she just wanted to come forward to show that she worshipped God....(those were her words)....but, I am thankful for that small guesture of growth on her part....and maybe God knew that would be a little bit of an encouragement to me....and even an answer to prayer...God is working in her heart....and there will come a day soon when she will be ready....and I am thankful that tonight was a first step for her....
I was most concerned about tonight....family night....because like I said, I connect VBS Family Night with when Brian died....I tried as hard as I could to disconnect the emotions from tonight....but I wasn't completely successful. I made it through the program until about 15 minutes were left in it.....I just got overwhelmed...a little shaky....and nauseous. I left the sanctuary and walked around the building for a few minutes until I could gain my composure back....I did gain it back...but I just couldn't go back in.....part of it I can't explain because I don't even understand it....and part of it was because I knew I would panic if I had to go in front of the group and be on stage....all the staff was supposed to be part of a practical joke as part of the program....I thought I was going to be ok with it but the further we got in the day I realized I just wasn't up for it. I backed out of it....took some flack for it.....but in my mind, just being able to be there was enough of a challenge.....and to have to be up on stage was just too much....and I shouldn't have been surprised that people wouldn't have a clue that that would be difficult....sometimes I forget that I can't expect people to understand....most people my age haven't been through what I have been through....and I wouldn't wish that on them.......anways...
So, I guess I didn't finish as strong as I would have liked to....but I did my best....and I did make it through most of it....and I will try to see that as progress.....I know there are people who think I was just being a fuddy-duddy.....but it had nothing to do with that....I just couldn't....I just couldn't.....and I hate that.....and I hate this.....
On a positive note...I had prayed that God would redefine how I thought of VBS.....I prayed that God would work in my kids lives and that something significant spiritually would happen to my kids during VBS....not so much this year because I knew my kids weren't close to making a decision yet....but just a general prayer that God would help be find a way to redefine this event. Tonight, Lexi came forward expressing her desire to follow Jesus. I had an opportunity to talk to her....she isn't ready yet...and she even knows that....she just wanted to come forward to show that she worshipped God....(those were her words)....but, I am thankful for that small guesture of growth on her part....and maybe God knew that would be a little bit of an encouragement to me....and even an answer to prayer...God is working in her heart....and there will come a day soon when she will be ready....and I am thankful that tonight was a first step for her....
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