Thankful

I'm thankful for many things right now.

I'm thankful that my first semester of doctoral work is over.

I'm thankful for the results and for the success I had this semester.

I'm thankful that my two older kids are doing well in school. I had parent/teacher/child conferences this week and both of their teachers gave them glowing reports.

I'm thankful for Braden who gives me more kisses and hugs than I can take sometimes. He brings so much laughter and love to our family....and he looks just like his daddy....his smile reminds me of Brian, and he smiles CONSTANTLY....he's one of the happiest kids I know.

I'm thankful that, for now, we won't be adding a Saturday night service to our weekly schedule. This was one of my biggest concerns and greatest fears.....the impact on my family would have been huge.

I'm thankful that the insurance company agreed to fix my roof in Granbury at their expense. This is truly a huge blessing that will benefit the building for many, many years.

I'm thankful for the scholarship I received from the Datatel Corporation to help pay for my tuition next year. I still wonder exactly how that happened.

I'm thankful for the time that has passed since Brian's death. I am thankful and proud that I have been able to muddle through so many difficult emotions and issues. I truly believe the worst is over and the best is yet to come.

I'm thankful that I see God working in my life. I see purpose evolving in my life. I am excited about the possibilities that are before me.

I'm thankful that I have finally made some progress with my commercial tenants. This is a huge relief.

I'm thankful for a God who understands the process of grief and is patient with us as we struggle through it.

I'm thankful for my children. They provide the inspiration and hope in my life.

I'm thankful for the lessons I have learned and the growth that has occurred. I still have many more lessons to learn and much more growth is necessary....but I know I have made some progress.

For all these things.....and many, many more...I am grateful.


Oh yeah, one more thing, I am thankful for garage door repairmen who know how to fix demon possessed garage doors.....woohoo!

Something that struck me....

I have begun to realize that much of what I am dealing with right now is a cognitive struggle. The emotions still come to the surface on occasion, but most of what I struggle with centers around how I "think" about my life and my God.

I can honestly say that the "why" question was one that I always knew I would never find an answer to. I knew from the very beginning that I would never understand "why" Brian's death happened. I have spent very little time and emotion trying to answer that million dollar question.

I have spent most of my energy lately on trying to understand "how" God works. I have allowed myself to be paralyzed spiritually by my inability to come to a point where I can be at peace cognitively. I have tried changing the way I "think" about God. I have made Him more distant in order to attempt to resolve the conflict between a God who is involved in every detail of our lives versus a God who is somewhat uninvolved. As a result, my view of God became distorted.

I have become more aware of the big picture of this struggle only recently.

Here is where my thoughts are starting to come to a sense of peace.....

Instead of focusing on "how" God works or doesn't work, I need to focus on understanding "who" God is. When I allow myself to focus on "who" God is then the "how" becomes less important. So, "who" is God? I can find answers to that question in God's word. God is loving, redemptive, faithful, just, merciful, all-knowing, ever-present, a comforter, my Saviour, and the list could go on and on. I can trust and understand "who" God is. He has made Himself known. "Who" He is is not a mystery..."how" He works is...and always will be....

And....when I focus on "who" He is, the "how" becomes much less important....God is trustworthy....God is faithful....."how" He does that is the mystery.....

I think I have found a beginning point for find some cognitive relief.....we'll see where this takes me...

A glimpse inside his heart...

Today I had a three way conference with Nathan, his teacher and myself. We do this three times a year and this was the last one for the year. The kids have been learning about biographies and one assignment was to write an autobiographical poem. Nathan wrote one that gave me a glimpse inside his heart. Nathan keeps his emotions and thoughts mostly to himself. It is rare when I feel like he has shared something with me that is personal and emotional.

I've asked the teacher for a copy of the poem but the gist of what I remembered was this:

Nathan
Son of Brian and Shelly M
Lover of his family

(forgot some of the content in the middle)

Is excited when he is with his whole family.
Fears his family or friends being hurt.
Wants to see joy and love in other people....

(can't remember the rest)


Intereseting poem. I was proud that he listed being the son of Brian and Shelly. He has tended to not want to draw attention to his loss. I also was reminded how much he does love his family.....and then, that he fears his family or friends getting hurt....understandable....the important thing, though, is that he shared that he was afraid of that....

We talked about the poem tonight when I tucked him in. I thanked him for sharing his thoughts and feelings with me in the form of a poem. I told him I was proud of him opening up just a little.

I'm pretty sure he thinks I am crazy....but, this is progress when he voluntarily writes about what he loves and fears....this was personal for him.....and for him, that is hard.

Out of Balance

One of the great struggles for me is to stay balanced. For some reason it is easier to be out of balance than to find the healthy tension in life. I realized yesterday that my view of God has become unbalanced.

Prior to Brian's death I viewed God very differently. I tended to link everything that happened in my life to God or God's will for my life. Most generally, it worked for me. If good things happened, I could find a way to take credit for it and point it back to God. If bad things happened, I could usually see where I had made a mistake or been foolish. It was almost as if I operated as though I had God wrapped around my finger and His blessing and guidance was always obvious to me. I tended to think that GOd was involved in every detail of my life. If I had a difficult test and I prayed for God to honor the hard work I had put into it then when I did well I credited it to Him helping me. I sought God in every detail of my life.

Since Brian's death I have struggled to know how involved God is in our every day life. As a result of the need to figure out why this happened I came to the conclusion that God isn't really in the details of my life. If He was, surely He would have stopped the wreck from happening. I didn't want to let go of my faith in God so I just allowed my thoughts to change about who God is and how He works.

The result, though, has been a distancing of my relationship with God. I have not sought Him as earnestly as I used to because if He isn't all that into the details then why does it matter?

Yet, I can honestly say that I have experienced God in the most powerful way over the past 2 (almost 3) years. There are no doubts about the big things of my faith. I know that God has been faithful to me and that it is God who has provided the healing I have experienced and continue to experience.

But, my relationship has suffered as of late because I have gotten out of balance in my thinking in regards to God.

I feel stuck in that I can't reconcile who God really is and HOW he really works....but I know that I need to move back towards the center on some things.

I believe some of my struggle is a "trust" issue. It's really hard to "trust" when the rug was jerked out from under you. It's been "safer" to distance myself a little bit from God. I have still prayed, read the Bible, and tried to live in a way that honored God. However, letting God into the details of my life has almost become nonexistent. I don't think that is healthy. I don't think that is going to work long-term. I've got to find some common ground.

I am working on allowing God back into the details of my life....I am working on opening myself back up to Him and trusting Him with EVERYTHING....

It feels pretty good to be working on it....but also a little scary and unnerving....

But, I am committed to finding a healthier balance....I need to be close to God again....I want to open myself back up to Him.....

The ups and downs of life...

Yesterday was a crazy day. I spent the first half of my day in Granbury talking with a contractor. We think we found our issue but it turns out to be a pretty big deal....one that could be very costly. I have some leaks in my roof and we aren't sure if those leaks are the result of storm damage or defects in the roof. I had to call my insurance company and the adjustor will be coming out to look at it next week. It will be at minimum 10,000.00 to fix the roof. It is a metal roof and those aren't cheap to fix. I am praying that the adjustor will find storm damage and that they will pay for it to be fixed. If not, there goes more money down that drain......arghhhh!

On my way back from Granbury I discovered that I may own the mineral rights on the residential rental property I have in Burleson. I ended up having to go the Courthouse in Cleburne to research it. I didn't have any luck there....it is very tedious and time consuming and really meant for the professionals. Regardless, there has been a landman knocking on my rental property door and so that probably means that I am the owner since they are trying to find me. So, I signed a contract yesterday to lease those rights...assuming that I have them which isn't 100% but seems pretty likely. If I do, then maybe that signing money will go to my new roof in Granbury....if I don't, then I still have a roof in Granbury to pay for.

When I got home I checked a website that was supposed to be posting the scholarship winners from a scholarship I had applied for. They had announced that they would be posted by May 5th, so I thought I would check and see if maybe they were already listed. Sure enough they had the winners posted and my name was on the list. My kids were home when I found out so we celebrated with hoops and hollers and high fives!! It was a national scholarship that was based on academic achievement and an essay that you had to write. They picked 50 winners nationwide for this particular scholarship. Obviously, I was hoping to get it but had no clue what kind of a shot I had at it. I am amazed that I won and thankful that God provides. It also provides me more affirmation that I am headed down the right road. So, my school next year is halfway paid for already.....woohoo!!

So, it was a crazy day.....but a good day.....for that I am grateful.....

And, I am praying real hard for a nice insurance adjustor.....never hurts!!

The things I now fear....

There have been many points of growth along this journey that I have been on since June 2005 when Brian died. I have changed in many positive ways and have realized just how much more change and growth needs to occur. I guess it has been an eye opener to learn how shallow, unappreciative, and clueless I was and still can be at times. I have a different perspective on life now and I think that is probably a really good and needed thing.

One big difference that I have noticed is that the things I fear have changed.

I used to be a pretty big baby when it came to Brian being gone overnight. I would sleep with the television on if he was gone because the silence was scary. I didn't do many things by myself....I didn't enjoy coming into an empty house at night....part of that fear was because when I was in elementary school our house got broken into three times in one year and I really struggled with being afraid of someone hurting me or my family.....so, those fears were from my past but they impacted me even as an adult.

I don't fear that much anymore. If I hear noises or dogs barking I don't lay awake worrying about it. Instead I just figure that if someone wants to break in they will and if they kill me then they kill me. I know where I am going and I know who I am going to see so it really doesn't matter.

There are some new fears that I have though.....

I am afraid that I won't be able to provide everything my kids need....someone told me today that they paid 1000.00 per quarter just for car insurance for their teenage daughter....YIKES!!! I'm saving for their college but I didn't think about their car insurance....

I am afraid that if our church adds a Saturday night worship service that requires me to be there that it will have a negative impact on our family.....I am the only parent my kids have....and I worry that at some point I will have to choose between being a parent and being an employee....which brings me back to the fear of not being able to provide....

I am afraid that someday I will become a burden to my kids....that they will have to take care of me...that there will be no one to hold my hand through a difficult illness or painful death....

I am afraid that when they grow older and move out that I won't know what to do with myself....my kids are everything to me....what will it be like when they are gone....

Mostly, I fear not making the most of the life that God has given me. Am I really squeezing everything out of the life I have...? Am I making a difference....leaving a legacy? Am I swinging for the fence and leaving it all out on the field?


Life is a gift.

Fear and worry rob me of enjoying the moment that I am now in.......

I am working on this.....When I look too far into the future, the fear takes hold.


I still have so far to go.....still so many points of growth that need to happen.....

Trusting God with my future has become more difficult. I see God in my present and in my past.....I need to trust Him with my future as well.....I really struggle with this....it's a big obstacle for me.....a really big obstacle that needs to be overcome....

I have taken a huge amount of responsibility onto my shoulders...to raise three kids on my own and try to provide all the things they will need....the reality is, that God wants me to trust Him with that....He wants me to do my part...He wants me to work hard and be a good manager and steward.....but He also wants me to trust Him completely.....I am relying too much on myself and not enough on God......It's a hard balance for me to find.......doing my part but also trusting......

I'm working on it....

We'll get there....

School Update

Today I finished my first semester of doctoral work. It felt GOOD!!!!

Several things happened that I think are worth noting:

1. As I said above, it felt GOOD!! It felt like I was doing exactly what I supposed to be doing. I have no regrets about going back to school. I believe it was the right decision and I am excited about the opportunities that are before me. I struggled and struggled to make the decision to go back to school. My biggest concern was my kids. I didn't want them to suffer from it. I can honestly say that I don't believe my kids suffered at all. I may have been a little distracted the past couple of weeks but I was able to manage my time in a way that minimally impacted them. If anything, I wish I had gone back to school earlier....because I have enjoyed it so much.

2. I established myself with my classmates and my professors. Relationships have developed and I have truly enjoyed having a new group of people to get to know and experience school with.

3. I grew through my identity crisis. When I started the program in January I immediately faced an identity crisis in that I had to introduce myself in several different situations that made me uncomfortable. I grew through that to the point that today my identity just slipped out unexpectedly and confidently. I was making a presentation on children and the Internet and we were talking about "community" that occurs online. Someone made the comment that the Internet does provide "community" for people and that we shouldn't minimize that or be suspicious of that. A very natural comment came from me about how I began blogging as a way to work through my loss and as a way to connect with other young widows. I can't remember exactly what I said but I self-disclosed that it had been difficult to find people like me when I found myself to be a 35 year old widow. It wasn't a big deal to anyone else but afterwards I realized that I had grown to the point where I could self-disclose in a public way that was very appropriate and helpful to the discussion. As a result, after class one of my classmates told me that she had lost her first husband just three years after they were married. I now have a new connection with a classmate that I didn't have before that wouldn't have happened if I had not been open about my life.....Yeah for me...yeah for God who heals us to the point where we can be open about our struggles...(Side note....as we were talking on the way out of class she told me that she had heard my story but didn't know how Brian had died...It made me wonder how many people already know but I don't realize that they know....by addressing it today, it made it ok to talk about and we began a conversation that connected our stories....and, to be honest, I was sort of tickled to find that someone else in my class had a similar background....there is just a connection between widows that is hard to explain....

4. I was successful. I did well. I don't have my official grade but my professor was talking to me and another girl before class and she told us that we had set the pace for the class. She told me I did a wonderful job and that she hadn't marked anything down in my paper, just the word "excellent" on the back page.....woohoo...I will take that!! To be fair, she is a very encouraging professor....probably not the hardest one I will ever have....but I gave it my best shot and I feel good about the quality of work I turned in. In my other class I don't know yet what I got on my last paper but I have gotten an "A" on every assignment so far....so, it looks like two classes, two "A"'s

5. I am now ready for a summer break....I am looking forward to being more focused at home and at work...it's nice to have breaks!

I want to move forward....

I wrote a post a while back about some loyalty issues I had when it came to thinking of completely throwing myself into moving forward with my life. I'm letting go of those loyalty issues. I want to move forward more than I want to remain loyal. Let me say that again....I WANT to move forward MORE than I want to remain loyal. There is not a relationship anymore to remain loyal to....Brian no longer has my loyalty....he has my undying love and affection....but he no longer has my heart.

How does that work? I can only give my heart to people who are still alive....to my children, my family, my friends, etc. I can't allow someone who is no longer here to control my emotions or my ability to move forward.

This speaks nothing, absolutely nothing, of the love that I shared with Brian. But, it's over....and I need my heart back, I want my heart back....

It has taken some time to get to this point....I've had to work through some difficult thoughts and emotions....it has been a long process...one that hasn't been rushed or ignored or painless.....I've worked hard at it.....and now I am ready to work hard at moving forward....

I understand that this doesn't mean there will no longer be pain....or tears....or sadness....

I understand that there will still be times when it hurts....when I feel alone....when I wish things were different....


But, I also understand, I think, that this is a necessary part of the journey.....

It's the part of the journey when focus has to shift away from the past.....I want to move past defining my life in terms of my life before Brian died.....

I don't consider this an epiphany....just an acknowledgment of where I am headed....

I want to move forward.....

Can we take our bicycles to heaven?

As you can see from the picture above, Braden learned to ride a bike without training wheels tonight. It was a blast working with him and watching him be successful. It was bittersweet in that I wished Brian was here to see it. Brian taught Nathan how to ride his bike and I have taught Lexi and Braden. It may seem silly but it is at times like this that I am reminded of how much my kids are missing out on. They only have one cheerleader and that's me. I hate that.

I was talking with Braden tonight and told him how proud I was of him. I asked him if he knew who else would be proud of him. He made a couple of guesses before he said his dad. Then he asked me "can we take our bicycles to heaven with us?" Instead of answering him I just asked him what he thought. He said he thought that he could take it so he could ride bikes with his daddy in heaven.

I have to admit that the picture of them riding bikes together in heaven popped into my head. I know it isn't possible....but it was fun thinking about it.

I sure do love my kids.....and I am so thankful for the opportunity to be a part of their lives....

A night at the park...

After a gully-washer storm last night, we had one of those beautiful spring days!

I waited all morning for "the call" from my tenant.....figured there would be some issue as a result of all the rain.....but, no call!!!!
I am extremely thankful that I didn't hear from them today! Woohoo! Maybe we have finally resolved the drainage issues.....probably not, but I can at least hope!

Tonight I took my kids and the neighbors kids to the local park. I picked up chicken and we had a nice picnic in the park.

I love watching my kids run wild and free through the park. They were wading in the creek...trying to find tadpoles.....swinging in the swings....and playing hide and go seek....they were having a blast just being kids....and I always get a kick out of watching that...

I saw several couples at the park...holding hands.....

I miss Brian when I see that....we spent a lot of time at the park over the years of our dating and marriage...I felt a little bit alone tonight....

Just random thoughts...

Some things I wanted to jot down....

A big round of thunderstorms gave us some excitement in our house tonight.

I am always amazed at my kids viewpoints of the storms....Here are some of the conversations that went on tonight:

Lexi: as she is staring out the window watching the rain and hail pour down..."I bet tomorrow that we are going to miss our extra recess time that we earned today" (she made this comment several times...apparently they worked hard to earn ten extra minutes of recess for tomorrow and she was not happy that it might be too muddy for them to play...)

Lexi: "it's helling out there"
Nathan: "Lexi you can't say that word right so you don't need to say it all"
Lexi: starting to cry, "but it is helling out there"
Nathan: "don't say that word Lexi, its inappropriate"
Me: "Lexi, it is ok...it is hailing out there....Nathan, give her a break"


Braden: "we are safe in this house aren't we mom?"
Me: "yes, we have a very safe house"
Braden: "daddy made us a safe house didn't he?"
Me: "Yes Braden he did and we are thankful for that aren't we?"

Kids keep life so interesting....

Loyalty

By my very nature I am an extremely loyal person. I have always been one to have strong loyalties to people, organizations, teams that I played on, churches, etc. I was loyal to Brian during our marriage and I find that my loyalty to him now tends to become a sticking point for me as I work to rebuild my life and move forward.

It sometime feels disloyal to think certain ways about my life without Brian. Even as I think about God's plan and purpose for my life I find that my loyalty to Brian clouds my thinking. It feels disloyal to think that I could admit that the way my life has turned out was part of God's plan and purpose for my life. I think that if I become "ok" with my life and the purpose that my life serves then that must mean that my life with Brian had a secondary importance....as if he was just a small part of who I was supposed to become....

I am still very loyal to Brian. I was talking with someone the other day who worked with Brian in the home building business. She was telling me about some problem that happened after Brian died that I never knew about. I found myself apologizing to her that she had to deal with that issue. My loyalty to him caused me to feel bad that something happened that he wasn't around to fix. In reality, she wasn't telling me that to make me feel bad....she was reminiscing about one particularly difficult customer he had to work with....but, I felt bad about it even when that wasn't her intent or purpose.

I feel stuck because of my loyalty issues....will I ever be able to accept the purpose God has for my life if I can't allow myself to be ok with things because I feel disloyal to Brian? In reality, Brian has no need for my loyalty now.....maybe I am still trying to prove to myself how much I loved him and miss him??? I have no doubts that he knew he was loved by me....I told him often....and I miss hearing him tell me that he loves me....

How do I let go of this need to stay loyal to him? I think I have to figure this out before I can truly embrace the rest of my life....is it just a personality issue that I am dealing with here? Or, is there something underneath this need to remain loyal....at the expense of accepting and embracing my new life....

I am thankful for my life, for my kids, for my friends, for my church, and a thousand other things. I am optimistic about my future, about my children's future. I am taking steps to rebuild my life and I can see the walls starting to come up...much progress has been made. But, there is this undercurrent of loyalty that causes me to hang on to him in some ways that may actually be detrimental to the future God is calling me towards....

I am struggling with putting into words what is going on in my head...this was a first attempt.....

My Life as a Landlord

One of the roles that I have to play involves being a landlord to a residential rental home and to a commercial property. Being a landlord is at the very bottom of my list of things that I wanted to be when I grew up. As a matter of fact, I think I have expressed my "hatred" of this role. It just isn't me and it isn't any fun.

Today I got to play the role in all its glory. My commercial renter has this way of kissing me on one cheek with a compliment and then slapping the heck out of my other cheek with some false accusation or complaint. I should know better by now but it happens every time.

For about the past two months I have tried to take the bull by the horns and deal with issues that have been ongoing and extremely frustrating. If nothing else, I have now established a decent relationship with the tenants and they feel comfortable calling me when there is an issue. This is in stark contrast to how I operated right after Brian died. They didn't call me and I didn't want anything to do with any of it. So, my building manager dealt with everyone and everything and I basically approved expenditures and checked the bank account balance to make sure we were in good shape.

I realized today how far I have come in trying to manage what I was left to manage. I have made some decisions recently that I think have been good business decisions. I have been more proactive about maintaining my relationship with the tenants. I have stopped by the place to check on things and talk with the tenants and other contractors. It doesn't bother me much anymore to go to the building and be in it. I remember the first time I went in after Brian died. I was so uncomfortable and had so many flashbacks to when he was still alive. Now, I go there and I think to myself "Wow, this is weird that I own this building....and I even try to act like I know what I am doing".

I didn't enjoy all the phone calls I got and had to make today. It still isn't any fun to try to be something I'm not. But, I handled things and at the end of the day everyone seems happy. I don't know what I am exactly trying to say with this post except that maybe I have accepted this role now....not that I want it...but, I do accept it and I am trying to do a better job of playing the role....

I see progress with the relationship with the tenant and I am hopeful that someday we will have a healthy business relationship...we are closer to that than we have ever been....but still a ways to go.

And...not that it matters....but I think Brian would be surprised and proud of the way I am trying to handle things.....but, mostly, I am just proud of myself that I have finally taken this role on and tried to become a better manager of what God has given me to help provide for my family.

And, to be honest, I think my dad is grateful that I am handling some of the things that I am capable of handling....and I know my building manager is thankful that I have taken more ownership of the issues we have to deal with on an ongoing basis.....

So, I think it's probably a good thing.....and for the most part, I am doing ok at it. I'll never be great at it....but at least I am trying, really trying....

Further thoughts....

A couple of posts ago I mentioned that there are some sore spots that I still have in relation to Brian's death. I have some further thoughts related to that post and I wanted to jot them down....

I have noticed that when people talk flippantly about "God's will" for their life or talk about how "blessed" they are or even talk about how God answered some prayer request (that to me maybe seems trite) that I get stirred up inside. Sometimes I just blow it off and don't think about it. Other times, it sends me down the road of wondering who God is and how He works...a road of confusion....

I think I have realized that I am sensitive about that because every time someone talks about their "successful" walk with the Lord, that may include blessings, protection, healing, etc., that I allow myself to feel beat down by their "success" and my "failure". In other words, if they have God wrapped around their finger doing everything they ask, blessing everything they do, protecting and healing their loved ones then I must have done something wrong or I must not be as "spiritual"...or maybe I just don't really understand how all that works...

It almost feels like a quick punch to the stomach....it usually catches me off guard and I am distracted by the effects of it for varying lengths of time. It's not that I begrudge people for being blessed or experiencing God's protection or healing....not at all...I am genuinely happy for my friends and family when they experience the "good" in life...and, for the most part, I recognize that I am extremely blessed in many, many, many ways....but I have also had my heart broken and my life forever changed and I had no control over it....and that is difficult to let go of...

It feels like everyone else in life has won and I have lost.....and I don't understand why....especially when I begin playing the comparison game.....I shouldn't even go there but I do.

I "know" that what I have just described is not "rational" or "true". When I break it down and look at it I realize that I have some bad connections going on....that I am the one who has the issue and not all "those people (ha)" that are so flippant.

I suppose that recognizing the faulty thinking is the first step to putting that aside.....so, I have recognized it....now I just need to figure out how to disconnect those things that shouldn't be connected...

I've mentioned before that this tragedy has created a filter that I process my thoughts, feelings, and actions through that isn't necessarily healthy. There are parts of the filter that are helpful but there are also parts of it that are not.

I've still got some work to do in processing my thoughts and feelings....maybe someday I'll get there...

Just for fun...

Just in case someone asks me what I did today, here it goes....

1. Wake up at 7:00am.
2. Take shower.
3. Cook bacon, eggs and make banana smoothies for my three plus my daughter's friend.
4. Clean up mess from cooking.
5. Clean up blankets and pillows from last night's "family movie night" event in the living room.
6. Vaccuum living room and Braden's room.
7. Work on my paper and realize somehow I had one less page done than I thought. Add one more page of content to get it back to page 19 where I thought I would be beginning this afternoon.
8. Reorganize the 50 plus journal articles I have strewn from my office to the kitchen. Weed out the ones I don't need.
9. Mow the back yard.
10. Take another shower because I smell like a mower.
11. Clean up the sweet tea that got spilled all over the kitchen by my darling children.
12. Print off 5 more articles related to my paper.
13. Gas up my Tahoe and get a car wash.
14. Go to the local library to check out a book for Nathan's project on C.S. Lewis.
15. Get a Dr. Pepper at Dairy Twin.
16. Go up to the church to talk to one of my sister's friends who is here from Oklahoma doing a retreat for Preteens in our church.
17. Cook lunch for the kids.
18. Clean up the mess from lunch.
19. Do laundry and pick up the rest of the house.
20. Take Nathan and Braden to a friends house to play.
21. Take Lexi to a birthday party.
22. Work on my paper. Write 3 additional pages of content.
23. Go pick up Lexi at her birthday party.
24. Go pick up Nathan and Braden from friends house.
25. Pack a suitcase for Lexi because she has been invited to spend the night at a friends.
26. Cook dinner for Nathan and Braden.
27. Clean up dinner.
28. Go for a run in the neighborhood.
28. Work some more on my paper...adding 2 more pages of content.
29. Pack suitcase for Nathan because he has been invited to spend the night with a friend.
30. Smile because Braden has fallen asleep on the couch and is out for the rest of the night!
31. Write one more page on my paper and call it quits for the day.
32. Carry Braden to bed.
33. Iron my clothes and Braden's clothes for tomorrow. Fold some laundry and put some more in to wash.
34. Take a nice hot bath to wash off the sweat from my run (2 showers and one bath today)
35. Sit down at the computer and write this meaningless blog entry.

Wheehhhh...it's been a very productive day....

The Sore Spots

For the most part, I am now able to think about Brian and talk about him without getting emotional. I've come a long way in that regard. However, I was reminded this week that there are still some sore spots that will illicit a raw emotional response.

I have been wrestling with the question of "God's will" in my life. I don't know how to understand Brian's death in terms of whether or not it was "God's will" for my life. I posed the question of trying to understand or accept this as God's will in my life to my counselor this week. He pointed out that trying to answer that question can create quite a dilemma in regards to understanding who God is. I struggle with it because on the one hand I want God to be completely in control of my life and my future. It feels more secure to think that God is involved in every detail of my life. However, my experience lends me to think that God must not be very involved in my life or surely He would have protected Brian and allowed him to live. I have a hard time accepting it as "God's will" when it includes the death of my husband and my children's father. I can't wrap my mind around how I am supposed to view his death.

After hearing me ramble on a bit about this dilemma my counselor made this statement and asked me this question......"Shelly, I think that sometimes it is hard to think about everything in life in terms of it being "God's will" for our lives....maybe the better question to ask is....do you believe this is what God wanted to happen?"

My immediate answer was "no"....and then the tears came....painful tears.....to be honest, I am not sure why that question caused me to have such an emotional response....it wasn't just the average "this makes me sad" type of response...it was a gut-wrenching pain....a pain I had not experienced in a long time.....and I am still trying to process why that was such a sore spot for me....

I guess it had not occurred to me to look at it that way....and I knew the answer was absolutely no....no, my God would not have wanted this for me.....or for my children....

He then went on to say that Scripture talks about creation groaning....about how it grieves God to see His children hurting....and that life is sometimes just hard....and there some really hard things that we go through....but that doesn't change who God is or the love He has for us....

I don't believe it was God's will for Brian to die and leave me to raise three children on my own. I don't think it surprised Him or caught Him off guard...I don't think He planned it or caused it to happen. It happened as the result of a human error.....not because God willed it to happen. And, that is a hard thing to accept and work through......almost three years later and I am still trying to work through it....

The question of Fairness....

Every once in a while I go down the path of thinking that this really "isn't fair". I usually end up on this path after someone says something to me that sets me off or I find myself beginning to compare myself to others. Most recently, it has grown out of my experience and interactions with the people I have reconnected with through my high school twenty year reunion website. My reaction to many of them is that I can't believe all that they have done (immoral, etc) and many of them have an "exterior" that says they are successful, happy, etc. It's been hard to be who I am in that group. I tend to compare myself and think things should have turned out better. I wonder what they are thinking about me....and the God that I serve....

Yet, the question of fairness isn't a good road to go down. I picked up a book tonight that I read early in my grief journey. It is written by Jerry Sittser who lost his mother, wife and daughter in a car accident involving a drunk driver. He writes about fairness versus grace and here is what he has to say;

"....God spare us a life of fairness! To live in a world with grace is better by far than to live in a world of absolute fairness. A fair world may make life nice for us, but only as nice as we are. We may get what we deserve, but I wonder how much that is and whether or not we would really be satisfied. A world with grace will give us more than we deserve. It will give us life, even in our suffering.....I dread experiencing undeserved pain, but it is worth it to me if I can also experience undeserved grace."

Fairness or grace? It has to be grace for me. The title of my blog suggests I have some sort of an awareness of the importance of grace in my life...and the "evidence of grace" in my life far outweighs the unfairness factor.....

I've got to quit going down this path where I pout about the fairness of losing Brian......it leads to nowhere....

The mystery in my faith...

I struggle, on a regular basis, with the mystery in my faith. There are times when it stays under the surface and it doesn't impact me. There are other times when it comes to the forefront and almost seems overwhelming.

This is one of those times when the mystery of it all seems a little overwhelming. It's a good thing in that it causes me to wrestle with the issues. Struggle is almost always a good thing. Struggle precedes growth, doesn't it? If I look at growth in my life on a timeline....there has always been some type of struggle that caused me to have to grow beyond myself.

I see it in nature. The most simplistic example would be the metamorphosis of a butterfly. There has to be a certain amount of struggle in order for the butterfly to emerge.

I see it in my children. Learning to read has been a struggle for both of my kids. They have had to work at it. But, then the breakthrough happens....and they soar.

I see it in my faith. Significant growth never occurs for me without a struggle.

It seems then that I should welcome struggle....but I don't. I get frustrated when I have to struggle.....sometimes I get angry....but, the end result is usually growth.

The mystery in my faith is frustrating. I feel like I should have this figured out by now. I wish I knew how to talk about God's work in the world and in my life. I don't have a clue why things have happened the way they have for me and the kids. I can not bring myself to say that "this was just God's will for my life". I just can't say that. How could it be God's will for my children to lose their father? How could that be?

I hear people around me flippantly talk about what God has done for them or how He has blessed them and I usually think one of two things: Either I think they are totally clueless and haven't had something beyond explanation happen to them or I think maybe I am the one who messed up and lost God's blessing. Neither one of those responses are good. I recognize that.....but, that's where I am at.

I am trying to define my faith with an inadequate and faulty perspective.....I tend to filter everything through my own experience....and that's not healthy.....

Yet....how do you know which things are truly from God and which things are just part of living in a dying world?

The struggle will produce growth....I am confident of that....I am just tired of the filter I have.....how do I not let what has happened to me impact how I define my faith and how I accept the mystery of it?


For now, I have to acknowledge the mystery....I have to be honest and authentic about the things I don't understand......but, I also can't deny all the things that I do know for sure about God.....and that's where I have to hang my hat until the struggle subsides and the growth occurs....

Things that make me smile....

Last night I found a note from Lexi on my pillow. It said:

I love you. I am very sorry. I wish dad were still here. Do you?

Lexi is my note writer. Usually after she gets in trouble I will find a note from her somewhere. She reminds me of me in that I used to make my apologies via a letter or note to my parents. Interesting how she does that even though I have never done that or told her that I used to do that.

I thanked her for the note and talked with her about it today. I asked her if she thought I still missed dad. She said yes. I told her I did and then she started recanting a story about a memory with her dad. I listened to her talk about him and was somewhat impressed by the way she was able to talk about him and remember some happy times. It came very natural to her and she seemed to enjoy just talking about him. (I can't help but remember how hard it was to talk about him after it first happened...we have come a long, long ways.)

When I read the note I thought she brought up her dad because she has been known to do that in order to move the focus off of whatever it is that she has done or doesn't want to do. She sometimes uses it as a distraction in hopes that she can talk her way out of whatever trouble she is in. It struck me afterwards that maybe she just needed to talk about him.

I don't think we talk about him as much as we used to. Maybe I need to give the kids more opportunities to talk about him.

I am thankful for the things that make me smile....crumpled up notes on my pillow, hearing Lexi recall a special memory, and being able to recognize that my kids are ok.....they may drive me insane sometimes with their entitlement issues....but they really are going to be ok.....for that I am grateful and extremely hopeful....

My life is back....

The kids came home today. It feels so nice to have them home. Make no mistake, it was nice to have some quiet, but I missed them. I was reminded today that they are a central part of why I am trying so hard to continue to live and love. They have so much potential and so much life to live and I want to do everything I can to support them in their journey.

I'm thankful for their love....for their endless hugs and kisses and snuggles....for Nathan holding my hand as we walked into church....for Lexi kissing me on the cheek while we were singing in church....and for Braden who wanted me to snuggle with him tonight....I am loved.....and that is a gift from God....

My life is back.....and I am glad....

Sometimes I wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if I am making the right choices related to how I am trying to rebuild my life. I was talking to my sister today on the phone and I asked her "what would you be doing if you were me?" I asked her that question because she knows me pretty well and understands most of my current situation and all the variables that go along with where I am at right now.

I suppose that the quietness of this week has given me room to wonder if I am headed in the right direction. The reality of going to school has hit. I have worked all week trying to get papers written so that the kids won't feel my stress in the coming weeks as the semester winds down and deadlines approach. Going to school is going to take a sacrifice on my part. I realized that this week when I really wanted to be outside enjoying the Spring weather and instead I was inside working furiously on the computer. I don't mind sacrifice as long as I am certain it is what I am supposed to be doing....and mostly, I am certain...but there are still twinges of doubt.

My question to my sister is fueled by the frustration I feel in not knowing where my life is headed and how much things may or may not change in the coming years. We've had these discussions before and I never come out of them knowing any more than I did when we start the conversation.

Here's where I struggle......I am working extremely hard to make sure that I am prepared to continue to provide for my children's needs and for my needs. I work off the assumption that I am the only one who is going to make sure we have what we need. As a result, I am pushing myself to go to school and continuing to work instead of trying to live off a reduced income that would dip into savings and money set aside for the kids future needs. I am allowing the future to dictate my present decisions. I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing...but it is a stressful burden to carry...and it leaves little room for depending on God to meet our needs. Maybe it is a lack of faith or maybe it is just part of my personality to want to be certain that I have all my bases covered financially.

The reality though is this....I don't want to carry these burdens on my own forever....I hope and pray that God will someday provide someone in my life to love and do life with....I don't enjoy being single....it's not near as much fun as being married....but, my kids and their needs are in conflict with my desires. I can't do anything that would impact them negatively. I don't want to complicate their lives or create uncertainty for them. They have been through enough and I certainly don't want to add anything else to their plate.

So, back to my question I posed to Kathy today.....am I doing what I should be doing in order to find the life God intends for me? What if going to school is a big waste of time for me (just something that creates stress, costs money and limits quality time with my kids)? What if, by going to school and continuing to try to increase my ability to provide for my kids, I miss what God really has for me? Should I just live for today and trust that everything will work out? Should I loosen up the purse strings and remove things from my life that are stressful for me or the kids? I even had one person tell me that I was "trying to fulfill a role that God never intended for me to fulfill"....Gee thanks, that was profound....maybe it is true (??) but where does that leave me....what else am I supposed to do except to try to fulfill all the roles that need to be filled in order to raise my children and run a household....not the brightest statement but the person who made it is pretty well respected and well educated.....

I understand that no one can tell me what they would do if they were in my shoes....but sometimes I wonder if there might be a better way to approach my life than the way I am doing it. I have tried to seek God's will for my life in everything that I do. But, I gotta admit, sometimes I wonder what difference it makes.....Brian and I sought direction and guidance on a regular basis....and look what happened....it didn't seem to matter.....the end was still the same.....

Sometimes I wonder.....I really, really wonder what the heck the purpose is for my life.....

While the doubts are there....the reality is that I do believe God is God and I am not.....I do believe that this is but one long and painful chapter of my life and that there will be chapters filled with hope and joy and love....I do believe that God cares for me and provides for me in ways that I am not even aware.....I do believe that it is God who has sustained me through this difficult time and it is God who will continue to guide me....I do believe that God can bring beauty from ashes......I just want to see some of that beauty....NOW, if at all possible.....

At the end of the day...

I have been reminded this weekend that "at the end of the day....I still go home by myself". It sucks.

The kids are in Oklahoma for their annual trip to Grandma's during Spring Break. I am trying to get a paper written. It's going a little slower than I would like. However, my goal is to get as much done while they aren't here so that our Spring won't be a crazy, stressed out time.

Two friends have celebrated big birthdays this weekend and so I have attended two different parties. It's been really nice to have some "adult" time. I have laughed a lot this weekend. However, I still can't get past that feeling of being "different", of being "alone". I do the best I can but it still hurts. And, at the end of the day, I have no one's hand to hold and that just sucks big time.

I have found myself thinking "this isn't what I wanted" several times this weekend. I think I have come a long way, but it is frustrating that I am now doing this on my own....with no end in sight.

It's a constant struggle....I take huge steps forward and then something happens and I feel like I haven't come as far as I thought I had. I understand that this probably part of the journey...that it is normal....but, I am tired of it.

Still, I am doing the only things that I know to do.....to keep dreaming, to keep loving my kids, and to keep believing that God can bring beauty from ashes....

A reminder of the grace and redemption God offers....

Today I was reminded of the grace and redemption that God offers each of us as we make our way through this world. I am thankful that God used someone to teach me that again.

Sometimes, in my job, I wonder what is being accomplished or if what I do even matters. Today, I knew that something I did mattered. For that, I am grateful.

It's amazing to me that God can use the broken times in our life to teach us some of the most valuable lessons we will ever learn. Each of us are different. Each of us have different struggles, failures, disappointments and "broken" times.

Death has been my teacher. The lessons continue....the growth needs to continue....One thing is for sure, "Life" continues to be my choice....

The Post-Brian "Me"

Life is so interesting and complex. Today I realized that there really is a Post-Brian "me" that is emerging. I have done a lot of work to create a new identity that reflects who I am and how I have changed since Brian's death.

One small, probably insignificant example occurred today. I have been going to class now for about 6 weeks. I have begun to get to know some people in my seminars and the relationships are beginning to develop. I no longer feel like a stranger when I walk into class. We were asked to pair up today in groups of two for collaboration on a group assignment. I ended up working with a guy who happens to be on the extreme end of the extrovert spectrum. He talks and interacts with people constantly, almost annoying at times. We finished our discussion and he asked me how many seminars I was taking. I told him "two" and he said "wow, you are going to be at this forever!" I agreed and said that I had three kids and a job and that yes, I would be at it forever. He then said something to the effect of "your husband won't help you around the house so you can take more classes huh?" It really didn't come out as offensive as that probably sounds...he was trying to be funny. I said, "no, actually he died a couple of years ago and so I am on my own"....open mouth, insert foot. What followed was not a "poor pitiful you" type of conversation...I very matter of factly continued the conversation with him and answered the questions he had about what had happened, how old were my kids, etc. Funny thing is that I didn't feel badly about the conversation. I didn't feel uncomfortable...I didn't feel embarrassed or pitiful....I surprised myself with how well I handled it. He ended the conversation with "remind me not to make any more bad jokes about your husband"...or something like that....I told him not to worry about it, he didn't know and we went on with the rest of class.

I had dreaded that type of conversation and fully expected it to happen as I got to know people who know nothing of my history with Brian. I avoided making it a part of my introduction for that particular class because I didn't want it to be the focus of who I was and I didn't want "pity" to be the first label that I received.

So....what I had dreaded...it happened....and I handled it surprisingly well. It didn't cause me to get emotional. I walked away from class knowing that I had just taken another step towards living out who I have become....and I guess I was sort of proud....

I don't think I will dread those type of conversations anymore....if they happen, they happen. I can handle it and while I am sure he was embarrassed I think I responded well enough that he didn't feel pity for me or my situation...

Who is the Post-Brian "me"? I think I am beginning to understand and believe that who I can become as a result of the events in my life may actually be a stronger, more confident and definitely more compassionate person than I ever was "before Brian's death".

Another Birthday....

We celebrated Lexi's 7th birthday last night with 14 little girls in my home. It was tons of fun. It was a Princess Party and Cinderella showed up to do some magic and balloon animals. By all acounts it was a hit. I am thankful it went well but really glad it is over....parties are so much work!

After the party was over I was cleaning up and a family picture caught my eye. I stopped and looked at it and thought "God, why isn't he still here....?" I suppose that it is on these special ocassions that I am reminded of the magnitude of the loss. I still don't understand how or why life changed so dramatically for us. Brian would have had a blast last night watching Lexi having fun with her friends in our home. The castle he built for Lexi's room was a hit...again....wish he had been there to accept all the compliments Lexi got on her room.

The pain is still there....my emotions come to the surface....and I am reminded that life will never be the same without him....I wish, I wish, I wish that things were different....

I'm alone....and I feel it....and I hate it...

But....but, but, but.....our life is going on....and we are moving forward...and I hold on to the hope that God will continue to sustain us and I pray that I will desire what God desires for me....and when I do that, there will be joy and contentment....and the loneliness and pain will loosen its grip...

Change....

Today I turned in my suburban and got a Tahoe. Six months ago I tried to make a change in my automobile and the timing didn't seem to be right so I backed off. Nathan expressed quite a bit of emotion (he was genuinely upset that I was going to get rid of the car that daddy gave me) about getting rid of our Suburban. So, I decided to wait until he was ok with it. Looking back, I realize that the way in which I did it probably had more to do with it than the sentimental value. I didn't give him time to get used to the idea...I just showed up with a demo car and assumed he would be excited....not!

Last week when my dad was here he encouraged me to make a change in what I was driving. The mileage was just about to hit 100k and it seemed like it was now or never. He wasn't telling me what to do but he was affirming what I was thinking. The main point for getting a new car was that I am on my own...I don't have family to come rescue me if it breaks down...and, I am going back and forth to Fort Worth more since I am in school.....so, it is a decision driven mainly by practical issues.

So, I talked to the kids about it and everyone seemed on board with it. I specifically talked with Nathan about it, showed him what model I was looking at and told him why I thought it might be time to make a change.

He was fine with it. He was actually excited about it.

So, I did it today.

How does it feel? As usual, my feelings are all over the place.

There was some sadness when I handed over the keys because I knew I was giving up another piece of my life with Brian. I remember the night he surprised me with it. We had a date night and we went to eat at Olive Garden. We drove our "old" car to the restaurant and he had one of his employees make the switch while we were eating. I was stunned when I walked outside and couldn't find my car. Brian had this big grin on his face and said "I think this is your car right here".

There was some anxiety when I was signing the paperwork. Did I get the best deal? Am I going to regret this? Is this a good, solid decision?

There was excitement when I drove up to the school and the kids saw it for the first time.....I asked Nathan my "counselor" question....On a scale of one to ten how is it? He gave me a huge smile and a "10"....whew!

There was and is some guilt....I'd much rather have a husband than a new car....and, realistically, if he were still here I would probably still be driving my Suburban....because I would know that help was only a phone call away and we would be more apt to drive it until the wheels fell off.....case in point, the truck Brian was driving when he had his accident had 165k miles...

I also have a new appreciation for Brian. I now know what it feels like to have to make such a huge decision. I typically relied on him to make all those big decisions....and, sadly, if I thought he made the wrong decision I was sometimes critical. I guess I now "get" how hard his job was.

I had a few minutes alone with Nathan tonight and we had one of those "special" moments/conversations. If I printed all the details of the conversation it wouldn't mean much to anyone but me. Basically, I reminded him that we needed to be grateful for how hard daddy worked to provide for us. I told him that I was glad he was happy about the new car. However, I also reminded him that while I always want to consider his feelings when making big decisions that there might come a time when I had to make changes in our life that he didn't necessarily agree with. In other words, I reminded him that we can't keep everything the same forever....daddy wouldn't want that and that isn't what is best for us.....I even asked him what he would think if I ever wanted to sell our house....he wasn't too sure about that but I reassured him that wouldn't happen anytime soon....

What's the point of that conversation? I wanted to help him understand that life is about change. We can't always control how life changes....but, change can be a good thing. He hates change...as do I....and so maybe that conversation was just as much for me as it was for him. I don't want to give him the impression that we are going to spend the rest of our life trying to live the same life in the same house as we did when Brian was alive. The conversation ended with Nathan giving me the biggest bear hug I have ever gotten from him. He usually gives these little wimpy hugs that you have to beg him to give you. Tonight he initiated the hug and held on to me....wouldn't let go....really, he just wouldn't let go....then we started laughing and I tried to stand up and I almost tripped.....and then he asked me to carry him to bed....he didn't let go until I practically peeled him off of me.....completely out of character for him......I treasure those unexpected moments....moments that you don't plan or expect....but when they happen you recognize them as "special"...


Change....it's something I've got to work at.....but I see the benefit of change and I know that I have to embrace it.....

Progress

Much progress was made this weekend. My parents were here and my dad helped me with all of my homeowner issues and landlord challenges. I am thankful for his willingness to step in and help when I am at the end of my rope. It really wasn't all that bad. We took things one issue at a time, one furry friend at a time...and I feel much better about everything!

I think I may be at another transition point. I realize that it is time for me to either sink or swim....and I much prefer swimming. I have had a lot of help these past two and a half years and it is time to figure out how to make sure I don't impose or intrude on others every time I have a need or issue.

It's a good thing....it's just a little tricky when I don't know what I am doing in many, many instances. '

The practical stuff is easier to figure out than the emotional stuff. It is still really hard for me to process feelings, decisions, insecurities, etc. on my own. Brian was always my buffer and he was my best friend. I think the emotional intimacy is what I miss the most now. I believe most of the other adjustments have been made....but, learning to be alone emotionally is tough.

Another thing that I have realized is that I don't have as much to offer in a friendship. In most cases, I am the more needy one. I have never been one to be a "needy" person. As a matter of fact, typically I have been one to attract "needy" people for friends because I was willing to give more than I can now. However, friendships should be a two-way street. Maybe I am realizing that I haven't been able to contribute to a friendship like I should be in order for the relationship to be healthy.

So, here I am stuck in the middle. I need the emotional connectedness...I need people I can vent to....but, I can't offer the same in return to the same degree. Or, maybe I could and do offer it but no one else "needs" me like maybe I "need" them. I think I am going in circles...I obviously don't have it figured out.

I don't really know what the answer is to my dilemma. Isolating myself doesn't work and it isn't what I want. Yet, I realize that I need friendships a whole lot more than friendships need me.

It's been a good weekend though....even thinking about replacing my car....may make a decision this week!

Annoying Tasks....

I have been frustrated this week with all the annoying tasks I have to try to pretend that I know what I am doing when I really don't. I had a leak in my roof and had to call someone out to fix it. They fixed it but there is some damage on the ceiling in my son's room. I now have to try to find someone who can repair the drywall that got wet.

When I opened my pantry door on Tuesday pieces of insulation fluttered down. I looked up and found that a furry friend has been chewing his way through the ceiling of my pantry. I now have to figure out who my furry friend is and then get someone to fix the hole he made.

I am still fighting with drainage issues at my commercial property. The contractor who claimed he would solve all my problems has basically thrown up his hands and isn't returning calls or emails. So, tomorrow, I have a meeting with my building manager, a hydrology engineer, my dad, and a new contractor who specializes in drainage issues. I have a million other things I would like to be doing on my day off but instead I will spend it trying to make sense out of whatever they say I need to do. And, I am sure my pocketbook will end up a lot thinner after tomorrow.

I have called my CPA three times this week to set up a time to meet and talk about my taxes for 2007. He hasn't returned my call. I would love to get another CPA but this one knows all my history and I can't just jump to another one because I don't even know how everything is set up in terms of the corporation that is tied to me. So, I wait and I wait....and he never calls back.

I called a commercial real estate agent yesterday to get a market analysis on my commercial property. She hasn't called me back either. I just want to know what my building is worth so that either I can feel better about all the money I have had to spend lately or I can make some hard decisions about whether I want to keep it. My guess is that I will be pleased with the market analysis but it has been hard to watch that business account get drained from all the expenses of trying to fix the drainage problem.

I clearly don't know what I am doing and I try really hard to learn how to take care of my own business....but, there is a limit...I am afraid people are beginning to see me as a burden or a liability....oh no, here she comes again, what's wrong this time. So, I am trying to be more perceptive and trying to involve less people in my every day life. Life is changing again....friendships are changing....and I am trying to adjust and learn from mistakes I make.

Life isn't so fun right now.....but we will get through it.....and someday, I am going to buy me a condo in a retirement community and I won't have to worry about a lawn or squirrels in my attic, or holes in my roof.....wouldn't that be nice? Or, I'll just drive my kids crazy with all the stuff I have to ask them to do for me.....so much to look forward to....

The Continual Pull

Right now I feel like I am continually pulled in different directions. In one corner is my job that I love. When I am at work I try to be totally at work. I am thankful that my focus has returned (a much needed thing) and most days I am extremely grateful for the job that I have.

On the other end is my family. My kids want me to be at home with them at night. I want to be with them at night. I am home with them every day after school. I am extremely grateful that I can do that.

Lately, I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt from both sides. I feel guilty that I can't give as much as some can at work. I feel uncertain what to do when I am asked to attend an event at night that will require me to get a babysitter or impose on a friend. I feel like I am not pulling my weight when I don't attend as many evening functions as others do. I don't want to be treated any differently and I don't expect special treatment. And so the guilt rages on....and the reality is that I am the only single parent on staff...and I also don't have any family in the area.....everyone else either doesn't have kids or has a spouse who can fill in the gap.

Yet, my kids need me at home. I feel like my calling as a parent takes precedence over my career's calling. There's also some guilt from my kids. They want me to come eat lunch at school with them or go on all the field trips or any of another million things they would like me to be at. I do my best to go to as many field trips as I can without taking too much time off from work. I find that I have to pick and choose and be very selective about what field trips I go on. For the most part, the kids are ok with that. I, on the other hand, feel guilty.

If Brian were still here much of this guilt would be manageable. He'd pick up the slack when I needed to be away at night. He and I would take turns going on field trips (which is what we did when he was alive). The two of us had a pretty good thing going and our family never suffered even though we both had careers.

Now........things are just different. I am not sure how to resolve the guilt. And, besides the guilt, I feel bad that there are times when I have no interest whatsoever in doing whatever it is that I have been asked to do. Instead of being excited about attending an event I feel burdened by it...and the whole time I am there I am thinking "I should be at home...my kids need me to tuck them in....or I wonder if they are getting their home work done.."

I am discouraged right now.....I am questioning myself a lot.....and I wonder if I have become more of a liability than an asset.....and that is something that is totally unacceptable for me....

He talked about it....

For the first time, Nathan talked about the day that his daddy died. It wasn't a planned conversation. It just happened. He told me what he remembered about the day. He told me that he had asked his daddy to put up the water slide that morning so they could play on it with the babysitter. Brian told him no because they were going to Family Night at VBS and there would be a big waterslide there for them to enjoy. There's really no significance to those "facts"...I was just thankful that Nathan is now able to talk about that day.

It's not that Nathan hasn't talked "about" his dad...he has done that from day one. This conversation struck me as "different" because he was able to tell me the last conversation he had with his dad. He was able to share what "he" remembered about the day his daddy died. It was new info for me...and maybe that seemed special too...I now know some of what Nathan talked about with his dad just before he left for work.

Lexi also told me what she remembered about that day. She recanted almost verbatim what I told them when I had to tell them that their daddy died. I was amazed that she would remember the words that I used....she was only four when it happened.

They also both remembered that there were "lots of people mowing our lawn and cleaning our house". It wasn't that the yard was in bad shape or that the house was filthy...it was just that there were so many people trying to help us with the practical issues in our life...and they remembered that....interesting.

They both remembered that I took them in Nathan's room and sat them on the bed to talk to them. I will never forget that day. I don't know that there will ever be anything harder than having to do that.

As I have said before, the main reason why I write this blog is for my kids...I want them to be able to see the process we went through in dealing with their daddy's death...and this seemed worth noting....we have now reached a point where we can sit around the dinner table and talk about the most difficult thing our family has ever been through...I think that is progress...and healing.

Valentines Kindness

I received these beautiful flowers for Valentines Day. The card read "to the daughters of the King". I am thinking the florist may not have accurately written down the message, but I got the drift.

I have no idea who sent me these. No one has owned up to it and I have asked a few people I would consider it to be a possibility and they have said they didn't do it.

They were absolutely beautiful and I am grateful for the kind thought. I am also amazed that anyone would even think to do such a thing.

I wish I knew who did it...but since I don't, I'll just consider it a tangible reminder that God loves me and cares that I felt loved this Valentines.

Grateful for random acts of kindness....they keep life interesting...

Made with/from Love....

My mom made this quilt for my oldest son. It is made entirely from shirts that Brian once wore (The shams aren't...she found them and they just happened to match). I look at it and see memories of him so clearly. On the back of it she had this embroidered:

For Nathan
In Memory of Your Dad
_____ _______ (name)
1969-2005

He dreams, he plans, he struggles
that we might have the best.
His sacrifice is quiet, his life
is love expressed.
Author Unknown

From Meemaw with love,
2008


No words....just extremely grateful!!!

My Toothless Valentine

She's all dressed up with somewhere special to go....

My toothless gal....gotta love it!

Identity Issues

I continue to struggle with some identity issues. The issues beome magnified when I am in a new situation or meet a new group of people who do not know my past history or my personal struggles. I think it is a good struggle, one that is born out of a need to make my status as a widow only one of the many identifying factors about my life. Yes, I am a widow. Yes, it has profoundly changed me and it makes me a little different than most 38 year old mothers. However, it is not all of me. It no longer is the central defining aspect of my life. It is a huge part of me but it is only ONE part of me.

In order to continue to grow forward my identity has to go beyond my marital status. I can not allow my "widow" status to overshadow all of the other aspects of my life and personality that make me unique.

Yet, while the desire is there to resolve some of the identity issues that I have, I don't have complete clarity as to how to make that happen. Perhaps some of it will continue to occur naturally. Certainly though, some of it will be deliberate choices that I make.

Life after Brian continues to evolve and amaze me. I am at peace with our relationship and the fact that it ended prematurely. It doesn't mean I don't wish it hadn't happened. But, it does mean that I have accepted that it is over and I have chosen not to try to act as though it were possible to be in love with someone who is no longer here. And, while I am not thankful for the loss, I am thankful for the lessons that this loss has taught me. I will never be the same and that is a good thing.

My life is going on without him....as he would want it to.......and now I am finding that I WANT and NEED life to go on too.

For that I am grateful....

The gift of new beginnings....

A new beginning is a gift. I realize that more and more in my own life. New beginnings allow us the opportunity to adjust our lives and prepare for new growth. New beginnings give us hope that we may continue to find our voice, our influence, and our giftedness in order to make our unique impact.

I believe 2008 is a new begining for me. I am ready for a new beginning, really ready. I am making adjustments in my life and in my home so that I can embrace and initiate changes in my life that will benefit me and my family.

I have spent the past couple of weeks reorganizing my home. I went through Brian's office today and made it my office. It was a very freeing and encouraging experience. I shredded so many documents and things that no longer have any relevance in my life. I was reminded of the stress and strain that accompanied Brian's death and the legal ramifications that were feared but never realized. I saw letters from attorneys, insurance companies, etc. and I was relieved that those issues are in the past and they have no power or control over my life.

My parents gave me a room makeover for my bedroom for Christmas. Again, it seems as though what used to be "ours" is now "mine"....and that feels ok.

I bought a new kitchen table this weekend. I had sold "ours" in a garage sale last fall. I had waited quite a while to replace it but last weekend it just felt like it was "time". I am making plans for a kitchen makeover this spring.

I think some of these changes are more about trying to create my own new beginning in my home....

The biggest new beginning came today when I had my first day of class as I began my residency as a PhD student. I am truly excited about this new opportunity to learn and grow professionally.

A new beginning is a gift....and I thank God for new beginnings.....

What a week....

It has been a banner week for our family. I am more encouraged about our family than I have been in a long time. Here's why:

**Report Cards came out and the kids did fantastic. I couldn't be prouder of them and the effort they have been putting into school.

**Nathan just finished his twentieth book off the Bluebonnet List. These were challenging books for him and he completed a very difficult goal. He is most excited because he will get a trophy for all his hard work. I am excited because he took on a task that required him to go above and beyond and he did it!

**Lexi received an award at her schools 9 week awards assembly. She has come a long way in her reading and her teacher recognized her effort. She was also formally tested this week on her reading and her teacher sent me an email saying "I am doing my endzone dance...Lexi just soared on her TPRI test...woohoo." Needless to say, I wrote her back and said "I'm doing my endzone dance too!!"

**I am helping coach Lexi's basketball team and it has been so much fun to watch her develop into an aggressive player. It's just such a joy to cheer her on. She's not the star of the team by any means, but she is having fun and is so engaged this year.

**Braden is Braden. But, he is getting so much better. He really is.

**I took the kids out to dinner Friday night to celebrate their good report cards. For the first time, I left the restaraunt feeling like I had enjoyed going out to eat with the kids. Usually, I feel like we are a three ring circus and wonder why I paid good money for the pleasure of entertaining others.

**I discovered the value of large, black trash bags. It is amazing what you can throw away....and the kids can't see through the bags to see what has been tossed.....I think I have about 7 large trash bags in the garage ready for the trash man on Monday.

It's difficult to know how my kids are really doing....but, there is some indication that they are continuing to thrive...and for that I am so grateful....

The Rhythm is back...

We have our rhythm back. We are in our routine. The kids know what to expect. Things feel so much better than they did just a couple of weeks ago.

It's almost as if I have finally realized that "our family" is better when it is just "us". It actually feels good for it to be just "us". For several months after Brian died I had family here. For the past two and a half years my family has come to help about once a month. It is always nice to have the extra hands. But, I think I am to the point where it is also nice to just be "us"...I think that's progress....

Routine and rhythm are gooooood things...

For that I am grateful..

What I learned today...

Sometimes it really helps to have someone to be a sounding board and interpret some of the conflicting feelings I am having. For me, that comes in the form of several of my friends or from my counselor that I still see on an occasional basis.

Today I had a chance to meet with my counselor. He helped me sift through several things that were nagging at me.

I told him about the opportunity I had before Christmas to give back some of the comfort I had been given to one of my child's former teachers. He helped me understand that for "such a time as that" God has equipped me to serve a unique purpose. It's a part of who I have become as a result of having a tragedy in my life...I am stronger than I was before...I can go into a crisis situation and not be intimidated by it because I have lived through it myself. It is in those moments where things seem to come full circle that I can be grateful for the opportunity and know that Brian's death mattered....it mattered that I have tried to grow and learn from it...this hasn't been in vain....and that is a really cool thing....It's not cool that other people have to go through difficult times....but it is cool that God can take who I have become and use it for His glory.

My parenting was also a significant part of our discussion. I am struggling right now about the sense of "entitlement" that my kids have displayed lately...I want them to be grateful and appreciative....but I realized today that I can't mandate gratitude...I can't force them to be grateful, but I can model it....and perhaps modeling gratitude is more effective than beating them over the head with it....it was also helpful to know that I am not the only one who worries about whether their kids appreciate the life that they have....my response is that I need to model gratitude more and preach at my kids less. I have some ideas about how I can do that.

One of the other issues that I needed direction on was about my experience at orientation the other night. I was questioning how well I was really doing if this one "introduction" caused me such anxiety and stress. I was reassured and encouraged to look at it as just a simple realization that I may need to rehearse some answers for potential questions when I am in new situations. I haven't really been in very many new situations and I had forgotten how helpful it can be to have a rehearsed answer for random questions. I remember having to come up with an answer to "how are you doing"? I knew no one really wanted to know (this was in the first months after Brian's death) so I had to figure out what the best way would be to answer some of the questions people were asking. It made a huge difference when I had a rehearsed answer....and so, I need to be more prepared, and I will be...I guarantee that!


All in all, we are doing just fine.....we still have our struggles but we have come sooo far, and for THAT I am GRATEFUL!

Drawing from the past...

I realized this week that one of the benefits of going through the earthly hell of losing Brian is that I had to learn how to take things one moment, one hour, one day, one decision at a time. And, when I look back at all that has been done since his death I realize that I have come a long way in the journey. However, it didn't happen all at once...it happened in little bits and pieces...

I can apply that to my life now. I need to take school one class, one paper, one semester at a time. There is no benefit in looking too far down the road and allowing anxiety to overwhelm me.

One thing that continues to puzzle me is why I still struggle with "confidence". In my mind I know that I have indeed been through an earthly hell. I had to deal with so much in that first year or so. I could write a book about all the difficult things that I had to do. You would think that having come out on the other side of most of that that I would be extremely confident and self-assured.

Not true. Instead, I find myself shaking in my boots when I have to acknowledge to a group who I am and the fact that I am an only parent to three children. For the first time since his death, I am in a situation where most people don't know me or the context of my life. It's scary. It's intimidating. I lost my confidence the other night. I actually kept telling myself "you have been through hell, what's the big deal about this". Still, it was hard. Still, I felt inadequate and insecure. Why?

I don't know the answer to my own question. I might have a couple of guesses, but really, I am not sure.

However, I do know that I can draw from the past and know that there is probably not much of anything in this world that is more difficult than having to tell your three children that their daddy died. Everything else should seem easy...or at least manageable....

A Two Benadryl Night

It's a two Benadryl night....my head is swimming....Both excitement and Fear running deep into my thoughts...

One step, one seminar, one project, one paper at a time....I keep telling myself....I am overwhelmed and scared...and wondering if I have lost my mind.....

It frustrates me that I can be so at peace about my decision to start school....but also, simultaneously scared out of my whatever about whether or not I can do it....

I can't do it...it's a God sized task....I'll do my part...but I am dependent on God to get me through this...

Definitely a two Benadryl night....


Side note....I went to orientation tonight....everyone had to introduce themselves...tell about their family...marital status...etc......I was the last to go and I made it through my introduction with just a slight quiver in my throat. It's still HARD to introduce myself and include a statement about my widow status. Tonight, it wasn't something I could ignore, I was put in a difficult place and made it through it....I hate that........I wish it didn't still make my stomach get in knots...I wish I didn't still have to pray "please dear God let me get through this...please help me not cry"....I can talk about it all day long with people who know and love me....put me in a new situation and force me to talk about it and it still takes my breath away...and brings up so much emotion....why is that? It's not like I haven't tried really hard to work through it...it's not like it just happened yesterday....Why does it still have to be so hard? I definitely made progress and I think most people would say I handled it well....but they don't know the fight that was going on inside of me....the fight to keep my emotions under control....I HATE that...

Nine years ago....

Nine years ago Brian and I welcomed our first born child into this world.

We were together....completely overwhelmed by the moment....an unbelieveably sacred moment....

Today...we're apart.....and that is just so wrong....so terribly wrong...

Tomorrow....I turn 38.....and I start a new endeavor....going back to school again....and he's not here to see it....

He always wanted me to go back to school....he was incredibly supportive of whatever I wanted to do with my life....so, I know he'd be proud if he knew I was doing it....

But, I don't do things for him anymore....maybe it's more like "because of him" I do some of the things that I do.....early in this journey I think I tried to do things "for him"....things that I thought he wanted me to do....now, it's shifted away from that....although, his influence is still there, I am doing this for me and the kids....to hopefully provide a better future....but,more importantly, to obtain the education necessary to continue to grow towards whatever it is that God wants to do with my life....a life that will hopefully combine my life experiences, education and calling into a unique contribution for God's glory.


So, Happy Birthday to us....by the way, January birthdays really stink....they come soooo fast after the holidays....

De-Funking

It's been a better couple of days. I am wondering if all the holiday hoopla and a vacation to boot didn't set me up for the funk I was in. Now that we have our first week back home almost behind us things seem to be leveling out and getting back to normal.

Routines are essential to our family and when we are out of sync everyone suffers.

I was home with a sick child yesterday and I think that also helped me get an extra day at home to decompress.

I thrive on routine, stability, and security....when things feel out of control I have a hard time and everything seems much worse than it really is....

In reality, I have much to be thankful for....like....
*I no longer have to buckle any of my kids in their seatbelt, they do it themselves.
*All of my lightbulbs in my house are currently working.
*All of my Christmas decor is put away.
*All the laundry is currently done.
*I get to start school to work on my PhD next week...a lifelong goal of mine...
*My renter paid on time this month.

But more importantly than those things...
*The kids and I are healthy.
*I have a wonderful extended family who supports and loves me unconditionally.
*Brian left us with no heavy baggage to have to work through...we know we were loved.
*God has blessed me with a wonderful church family.
*We have some "refrigerator rights" friends to do life with.
*My kids are doing well in school and their behavioral issues are minimal by most standards.
*God is giving me some new dreams...and I am having fun thinking about them.


So, I consider myself officially "de-funked" for a while....

And for that, I am SOOOO grateful....(and so are my kids)

In a Funk

I am frustrated that I can't seem to predict or prevent these funks I get in. Just a few weeks ago things were going so well and I was feeling better than I have felt in a long, long time. Today, I am in a funk and I can't seem to get out of it.

I guess I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of being an only parent for the rest of my foreseen life. It's hard, really hard. I want my kids to have every opportunity that any other child has and I don't want them to miss out on their childhood. I try so hard to keep all the plates spinning but lately I am just tired of the whole charade.

I will never give up and I will fight through this funk....but, I wish God would give me a little glimmer of hope to hold on to....it would be really nice to know that all this work is going to be worth it.....it would also be nice if I could avoid these down times....because it is during these times that I lose my confidence and question myself far too much....

It is also during these times that I wonder what I was smoking a few weeks earlier when I was feeling so good and so hopeful....which is real? The down times or the up times? (by the way, that's a joke...I have never smoked anything in my life....my allergies would go ballistic)

I think I have fallen into the trap of believing that my children are a direct reflection on me....so, when they are not at their best it makes me feel like a total failure....which is not always a healthy connection to make....and it doesn't help when I put them in situations that set them up to fail.....(like taking all three of them to the hair salon yesterday and expecting them to be good for two hours...I will never do that again....ever...never, ever...)

It's hard to know what to take responsibility for and how to make changes in my parenting that will be beneficial for them and me....I just want to get it right....for their sake...

Home

It's good to be home. It's good to be on our own turf. We were gone for thirteen days and there is nothing like coming home.

I struggled quite a bit on our trip. I took comments from my brother-in-law and mom too personal. I let their comments taint our interactions. I wish I was more mature than that.

I love my family. I adore my family. But, I grew weary of some of them and I am sure they grew weary of me.

On the way home last night my kids got a 35 minute lecture from me. For the first time, I pointed out to them the fact that I am one parent trying to do the work of two. They were ungrateful on the trip and seemed to have a hard time understanding that I couldn't be in two places at once doing two different things.

I don't know if I was too hard on them or if I should have kept my frustrations to myself...but it's too late now. They heard it from me....life without their daddy is extremely hard (but good still) and I can't always do it all by myself.

After I had said my peace we all apologized to each other and promised to each give 100% in our family. I don't know if it is going to help anything, but it felt ok to admit to them that I can't physically (especially on a ski vacation) do everything for them anymore....I told them I was done giving 150% and them giving about 20%....I told them I didn't mind giving 150% if they were giving 100% themselves (I don't expect them to give what an adult can give but they can take more responsibility than they are currently taking)...but when they aren't doing their part, it makes me angry and resentful..

Parenting is tough....I fail a lot....but, I love them and would do anything for them....hopefully, all the good and bad balance each other out...

I hope I didn't give them too much guilt....they seem to be fine today....

Happy New Year 2008!

Happy New Year from Wolf Creek, Colorado!

I didn't make any New Years Resolutions. I am, however, trying to evaluate the things in my life that may need change or adjustment. If nothing else, I pray that in 2008 I will spend more time being "present-minded". I tend to be either looking back at the past or driving myself crazy trying to plan my future.

Realistically, it is important to learn from the past and plan for the future and I do want to continue doing that. I just don't want to be so obsessed with it all this year. I just want to enjoy my life and my kids and try to honor God in my work and family.

On our drive out here to Colorado I didn't look at the map one time. I was following my parents and sister and her family in the car ahead of me so I didn't really need a map. It wasn't until we got here that I realized I had left the map in the back of car and never consulted it.

Interesting. I am usually one to plot our way on trips....notating how far we have gone and have far we have to go....always referring to it at every new major town.

I guess subconsciously I trusted my dad to know where he was going....and I was comfortable following along....

Maybe that is how my faith needs to change a little this year. Sure, I need to know that I am headed in the right direction....but, I don't need to be obsessed with trying to measure the distance we've come or the distance we still need to go.....

I need to be comfortable following THE One I trust.....and He will continue to guide my life....and for that I am grateful....

Here's to a great 2008!