Gaining Perspective

As I was driving alone in the car today back from a quick trip to drop the kids in Oklahoma, it occurred to me that a lot of what I have been doing through the grieving process is trying to gain perspective on my life and what it is supposed to look like now. In those first few hours and days I was desparately searching for perspective. I couldn't begin to process the "why" of this or the "how" of what rebuilding my life might look like. But, slowly, my perspective was enlarged and meaning began to develop.

I am not suggesting that perspective makes everything ok....what I am suggesting is that it was impossible to have a clear perspective the first year of living life without Brian. Everything was too chaotic and my mind was too distracted by all the changes and the intense emotions I was experiencing. I look back now and wonder how I kept my job or how we even functioned as a family because of how consumed I was with my grief and the emotions it brought with it.

I still play over in mind the day that he died....I continue to remember new things about it...or people tell me something they remember about it....like, someone told me that they remembered being at my house right after I got home to tell the kids and one of them was hungry and so I was in the kitchen making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for them while there were a houseful of women scurrying around trying to be helpful. This person thought it was interesting that just five minutes after I told my children that their daddy died I was in the kitchen fixing them a sandwich.....weird? Maybe, I guess, but what else was I supposed to do? Guess it goes to show that kids are pretty egocentric and when they are hungry, they are hungry, even if their whole world was just rocked....

So I still replay it....and it still brings emotion when I think about it....and when new details are filled in it is always interesting to see what other people remember....yet, it doesn't hurt like it used to....it's more of a given...a fact of my life....I was married....my husband was killed...I am now a single mom....and this is my life.....

But, what does that have to do with perspective? I don't really know except to say that I am beginning to be ok with how my life is going to turn out....I think I am going to end up being a different person than if I had gone through life without this loss....I think that the "different" Shelly is actually a "better" Shelly....not "Better" in the sense of patting myself on the back, but better in the sense that there has been some significant change....change that has given me a different perspective on life....what if I were able to compare who I became if Brian was still alive versus who I became as a result of his death? At this point, from this perspective, I have to say that I am pushing myself more now that he is gone than before....that I am being stretched more....that my perspective is different, and perhaps a better perspective than before...so does that make it ok that he died? No, but it makes it ok that I am still living....it creates a quiet confidence that God really does work all things together for good....and that part of grieving is separating myself from what I lost and embracing the life I now have....

And, if I were to allow Brian to speak to me right now....no, I don't believe he does literally speak to me (although there are lots of people who swear to me that their dead spouse gives them signs...I don't buy that)....but if I were to think about what he would say to me, given who he was and what he wanted for me and the kids I think he would say this: Shelly, your life is now about you and the kids....I am confident that my memory will always be alive in the hearts of Nathan, Lexi and Braden.....what I want for you is to embrace the life you now have and make the most out of it....you have my blessing and my support....please, don't make the rest of your life about me....make the rest of your life count....and allow God to give you His perspective....I have no regrets and I don't want you to have any either....sure, we had our ups and downs, but as a whole, our marriage was a blessing and there is no need to spend the rest of your life trying to prove to anyone (including my parents) how much you loved me....I know how much you loved me.....that's all that matters....so go and live and love our kids and be open to the future that lies ahead.....

If the grief process is about separating ourselves from what was lost, then I think that is well underway....not separation for separation sake, but separation so that the new life can become what it was meant to be.....and part of allowing myself to separate from Brian is the ability to gain perspective....the ability to carry his memory with me in a way that is healthy and manageable....

Maybe it's kind of like this.....in the beginning, the grief that I carried with me every day was such a burden that it could be compared to carrying about 15 large bags through an airport.....the bags were big and bulky and it was exhausting to try to carry them.....but, slowly, one by one, I was able to unpack a bag and leave it somewhere until I was down to one carry-on bag that fit comfortably over my shoulder.....the bags that I unpacked were things like: sadness, fear, anxiety, regret, theolgoical questions, anger, confusion, shattered dreams, and the only bag that I have left now is the one that contains the memories that I carry of him and the lessons he taught me about life and love....and that bag will continue to be a "carry-on" for possibly the rest of my life. I need to keep it close so that I will be reminded often of his love and of the love he had for his kids...my kids need to see me unpack it once in a while to remind them of what an incredible father they had.....but I will never go back to carrying the 15 bags again....I just can't....and it isn't necessary or healthy....

Gaining perspective...pretty powerful stuff....

Write Shelly, Write

Ok, just had to take a break....I am on page 18 of my paper...still 7 pages to go....write Shelly, write....

Interesting conversations worth noting:

Braden (who is now four, he was two when Brian died) has started talking A LOT about his daddy....it's like the floodgates have opened up lately...it may stop as soon as it started, but it is rather interesting to watch.....the thing he keeps repeating over and over and over is this...."daddy loved me a whole, whole lot"....and "daddy built us a safe house to live in because he loves us"....and "when I grow up I want to be a daddy".....I don't know why he has opened up so much lately, I suppose that I am probably talking less about Brian than before.....just interesting....

Braden said to me the other day, "mommy, girls don't die do they?" I said "yes they do, we all die but it will be a long, long, long time before mommy dies". I know, I can't guarantee that but the odds are that it is true....and he doesn't need a lenghty disclaimer before every statement I make, now does he?

Braden, Lexi and Nathan had a long discussion about heaven the other night. They all determined that their daddy would run to them and hug them and hold on to them so tight he might choke them and then he would kiss mommy...and that he probably ran to Brewster and great pawpaw and hugged them too when he saw them in heaven... I just listened to the conversation as we were driving. It was interesting to listen to it unfold....wish I had an audio recording of it...I couldn't help but smile as I was listening....gosh it feels good to be able to hear that kind of stuff and smile and not fall apart like I used to....yes, it still sucks that they have to live without their daddy, but the pain is not anywhere near where it was during the first year or two....


Guess that is all for now....back to writing the real paper....but this was a nice diversion....

Rumblings in my head...

There are times when I post something and then it continues to rumble in my head until I figure out "why" it is still rumbling. One of the things that I have been trying to flesh out is the way I said how I was wanting to rebuild my life. The phrase "daring to dream my life could be better than before" has nagged at me all week. I went back and edited it to say "building a life that is different and more useful"...but it still has been rumbling.

What do I really mean by that? I meant to communicate that I was beginning to realize that it was ok and desireable to want to have a life that is different and maybe even more fulfilling than the life I had with Brian. "Bigger and "better" just wasn't exactly what I was trying to communicate....like this was going to be some kind of "trade up".

I was comparing it with the building that Brian rebuilt after the fire. When I really think about it, it would have been foolish for him to try to build the "exact" same building as was there before. Instead, he tried to tailor it to what his needs were and to what the market would appreciate when trying to sell it someday. Ok, so that is probably more what I was meaning. It would be foolish (and futile) for me to try to rebuild or keep the exact same life that we had before....first of all, that would be impossible because Brian is no longer here. But, more importantly, it would be wise to take a look at what our needs are, what our strengths are, what our resources are, etc. and try to rebuild something that utilized all of those to their fullest potential.

That is what I am trying to do. I am trying to get out of the box of my old life and build something more useful and more fulfilling based on what I have to work with....and that may look a little different than the life I had with Brian....and I think that is ok....and it has taken me two years to really be ok with that....because it is so hard to wrap my mind around giving myself permission to try to build something that was both different and good....and that has been a big hurdle to get over....I have struggled with thinking that a "different" life meant our "old" life wasn't good....it's twisted widow thinking....but it has been a hard one to work through....

Kids....

So last night was one of those times when I had to put the kids to bed early because their behavior was less than desireable and I felt like there needed to be a consequence in order for a change to occur.

So, Lexi writes me this note:

Mom

I am sore (sorry) for the fusing (fussing). Mom wut (what) is in you bkus (because) you are prite (pretty) on the insid (inside). Plps (please) frgif (forgive) me.

Lexi


I asked her what do you mean you are pretty on the inside? She said you are nice and not mean....and then she said I love you mommy and hugged me and cried and cried and cried. I think what she was saying is "what got into you mom, you are usually nice and not mean...were we that bad'?


And then there is Braden.....who instead of owning up to his misbehavior tries to renegotiate the deal from his bedroom....he just couldn't let it go....he just kept on and kept on and kept on.....yelling from his room, "can't I stay up for five more minutes" or "mommy, it's still light outside"....he didn't give it up until about 9:30pm.

And....Nathan....well, he figured it out real quick that if he would just go to his room and be quiet that all things would be well...he played video games and read until he fell asleep...never tried to fight the punishment or acknowledge the problem....just went about his own business....keeping the peace...


Interesting how each of them respond to punishment.....their personalities are so unique and individual.

Not sure it is all that good, but it is interesting.

A LOT on my mind....

I am not sure where to begin but I have had some pretty significant insights today....I met with my counselor who is helping me deal with all the grief issues.....and he really helped me clarify some things.....here they are and they may seem a little random....

1. I am still struggling with "loyalty" issues....and when I seem to be moving forward I begin to question myself and it sometimes even feels disloyal to be having good days and making plans for the future.

2. I feel torn between the life I had and the life I dream of building. It, again, feels disloyal to be dreaming of a great life....and to be taking steps to reach goals....because what if my life ends up being better than it was before....does that take away from what Brian and I had....the answer has to be no but my heart says otherwise....

3. I remember when our business in Granbury burned to the ground in 2001. The building was a total loss. We had a choice to make...actually lots of choices...but the first one was whether to rebuild. That was an easy answer, we had to rebuild.....however, as I look back I realized that Brian made a deliberate decision to rebuild bigger and better....he had his head in the clouds as he was having plans drawn up to rebuild....and the end result was a building that was almost twice as big and ten times nicer. It was hell (literally almost) to go through, dealing with insurance and everything else.....but because he was determined to build it bigger and better many of his dreams became a reality. Fast-forward to now....I have already made the choice to rebuild....there is no other option when you have three kids....the choices I am making now are whether to actually dare to dream that what I rebuild could be bigger and better (edited to say maybe "different" and "more useful" is a better way to say it) than what I had before.....that is a hard thing for me to wrap my mind around and give myself permission to do....and I didn't realize that until today....when emotion bubbled up as I talked about my desire to dare to think that my life might could be better....which is where the loyalty/guilt issues again come in....

4. I also realized that going back to school sort of symbolizes to me my determination to rebuild and to try to build it different and more useful.....my analogy is this: I feel like that by going back to school I am getting back up to the plate and swinging for the fence. I suppose that I could stay on the injured list forever....or that I could just get up to bat and hope for a walk....using my grief as a crutch for not taking on any new dreams.....but to go back to school for my Phd...well, that's swinging for the fence....that's getting off the bench and back into the game.....and I think I need and want to do that.....I want to swing for the fence....even if I strike out or miss terribly, at least I will have tried. (side note: swinging for the fence is not about the glory of a home run...it's about the courage to swing like you mean it and to be determined to make the most out of what you've got....to leave it all on the field....to be able to say you gave it your all, held nothing back)

5. One other thing about going back to school.....it's the last dream that Brian and I shared that I could actually make happen. Brian always wanted me to go back to school (because that was who he was, always supportive of my dreams)...if he were here he would be pushing me out the door, saying GO FOR IT! All the other dreams that we had are gone except this one....and I think that makes it even more powerful for me....

6. I'd like to change my house a little....redo my bedroom a little and change his office to my office....this would mean taking down some of the pictures related to his businesses and personal stuff. There is a lot of emotion attached to making that decision....but I think I need to give myself permission to change some things....it is hard to give myself permission to move on....to put some things behind me....because it feels like I am saying that his life didn't matter.....but that is so far from the truth....I tend to connect "phsyical" things with him....and so, I am going to begin changing some things in the house....it just feels like time....

That's all for now...just had to get it out while it was fresh on my mind...

Staying Connected

I don't really understand how we are wired...but I am realizing that being "connected" to others is pretty important. I guess that is part of what I grieve for in the loss of Brian....I don't have that "and the two shall become one" connection anymore and I have found that losing that "oneness" is probably the most difficult part of this journey. Brian and I did a pretty good job of staying connected...we spent lots of time together...shared each other's dreams....and were partners in every sense of the word in our parenting and in the way we ran our household....I miss that....and I don't know that I will ever find that type of connection again....and that makes me incredibly sad.

And then I have to live this life knowing how much I should have appreciated what we had but not being able to do a darn thing about it....so what do you do with that??? You've learned the most difficult lesson of your life and what do you do with it?.....and so it makes me a little hardened sometimes to hear other people's gripes and complaints about their marriage, jobs, finances, or any of a hundred other struggles that seem insignificant to me now. Yet, I know that they don't get it either....and they won't until it is gone....and so it isn't even fair for me to think they should get it....because they just can't...and, on top of that, I wouldn't want them to get it...because then they would be like me....and I don't wish that on anybody.....

I love people...I love my friends...I love my family....I just get tired of grinning and bearing it sometimes....and if people weren't so important to me I'd probably tell them what I really think....just a random vent....I don't struggle a lot with jealousy...but every once in a while I am jealous of the marriages that others have....and I miss the one I used to have....and usually those thoughts pop in and out of my head and don't affect me much....but then other times it really gets to me....

But back to "staying connected"....I spent my whole day today trying to "reconnect" with my kids. I think I have been operating so much on auto pilot lately that I have missed the "connections" with my kids. So, today I tried to do something with each one of them that I know they enjoy. I asked Lexi to help me in the kitchen and then we cooked a fun dessert. She loves to work in the kitchen. She put on her little apron and we had a grand time. Braden and I washed the car in the street. It took ten times longer than if I had taken it to the car wash....but he had a great time squirting the car and me....Nathan loves movies so I watched an entire movie with him tonight. We watched "Astronaut Farmer" and it was pretty good....and, we also took a family bike ride tonight in the neighborhood.....so at the end of the day I am saying prayers and Lexi starts crying pretty hard. I ask her what is wrong and she says "I miss daddy".....I hugged her and told her it was ok to cry and then I laid down with her until she fell asleep....I don't usually do that but it felt like the thing to do tonight....

So, I sit here and I reflect on the day....and I realize that the parent/child connection is something I need to continue to work on....how often do I really take the time to lay aside my agenda and just focus on them....not often enough....it was a really good day....and I am even grateful that Lexi felt connected enough with me to share her emotions....I sometimes forget how powerful and necessary that connection is....

I am not of the opinion that kids should be the center of the universe or that everything should revolve around them....but I do feel pretty convicted that my kids need a strong connection with me...their only living parent....I do a lot to help them stay connected to their dad...we talk about him a lot, etc.....but I know I have fallen short in staying connected with them...really connected with them....because I have been too impatient and too distracted by my own grief.....

I'd like to change that....I think I can....today was a good day, and for that I am grateful....

Redeemed...

So, as parenting usually goes, you have your good days and your bad days....yesterday was not so good....but today, it was much better. I took the kids to a water park....just me and them....and we had a great time....redeemed....feels good....Braden had his moments but has seen a lot of improvement since yesterday.....

Had an odd flashback (I guess you call it that) today....I had my cell phone in my bag and I was going back to our table that had my bag and lunch in it and the thought came into my mind, "I better check my phone, I bet Brian has tried to call"....weird....and for just a split second I believed it enough to think it....haven't had those type of thoughts since the first few months after he died....then, it would usually be that I would see a red truck and think "oh there he is...I knew he would come back"....

Life goes on....I find it hard to believe that my life is what it is now....a single parent with three kids to raise on my own....I didn't sign up for this....but, we are making it.....and having some good times too....today, all four of us rode every ride....Braden is finally tall enough to do everything....and it was really cool....and really fun....and for that I am grateful....

I need some backup here...

Dont' let the picture fool you....It's been a tough week in the parenting department. My youngest (the cute one above) is continuing to cause me to stretch myself in terms of my parenting style and approach. What has worked for my first two kids is not working so well with him. For the first time in my parenting history, I got called on my cell phone by his teacher to come and deal with him. I am very discouraged about him right now. I can't quite figure out what is going on....but I do wish I had some backup...there is no one but me to deal with him and no one but me to try to analyze what is going on....I wish Brian were here to help me....to brainstorm with me about ways we could change our approach with him....but he's not here....and I had to cry a little about that today....it isn't right that I am having to deal with these tough parenting issues on my own...I don't like it...as a matter of fact, I hate it. I hate that I am a single parent and I hate that my kids don't have their father's influence....and I hate the fact that when I most need backup....I have none....

ok, back to the regularly scheduled program....just had to vent and emote a little...

Life is still good....and I am determined to figure out how I can do a better job of parenting....and surely there is hope....

When he said his prayers tonight he thanked God for mommy and daddy and Lexi and Nathan...and great papa (who just died) and Brewster (our dog who also just died)....and then when I went to do prayers with Lexi she thanked God for her daddy too....just kind of unusual...they don't usually do that.....and tonight at the dinner table I asked them what they were thankful for and Lexi said she was thankful that she had a good daddy....I guess his influence is still there...and they still think he hung the moon.....and for that I am grateful...

Steps Toward a Goal

For the past couple of weeks I have taken some steps toward an educational goal that I have had for a very long time. I have decided to apply for entrance into the PhD program at Southwestern. My focus area will be Childhood Education with a minor in Psychology and Counseling and I would expect that I will take the full seven years to complete it (I will be going very slowly...) I had already done some of the preliminary testing and so all I have had to do to complete the application is write a 25-30 page paper. I started writing it this weekend and I hope to finish within the next week and a half.

At this point, it has felt really good to be working toward a goal. I am actually headed in a direction....with a goal in sight....and I have enjoyed the learning process that has gone along with writing the paper. It feels good to be stretching myself and learning new things. I didn't realize how much of a couch potato learner I had become. I need an avenue to grow professionally...and I think I am ready to consider such a challenge.

I have no idea if I will be able to balance my work, my family, and school....but, I'd like to give it a try....and trying it doesn't mean that I will get accepted...it just means I am putting myself out there....trying to reach for a new dream....and life will certainly go on if this isn't meant to be...and it really doesn't even matter to me if I don't get to finish it....I am simply wanting to put my toes in the water and see how it feels....and if my work or family begins to suffer I will have to back off for a while...but at least I will have tried...

Regardless of what happens, it just feels so good to WANT to take on a new challenge...

The downside is that I am not all that fond of the administration at Southwestern....if it weren't so convenient and if I didn't know several of the professors I would go somewhere else....but I am trying not to let the people at the top keep me from even trying....but it does turn my stomach when I think too much about the administration and the direction they seem to be headed....maybe the pendulum will swing back towards the middle soon...it certainly can't go any further to the extreme than it has gone now...ah, I digress....

Again, it just feels good to have a dream of my own...and it feels good to be taking steps toward it...

Little House on the Prarie

Last night I watched "Little House on the Prarie: The Final Farewell". It was on the Hallmark channel and I just happened to catch it as I was flipping through the channels. I grew up with Laura Ingalls and Nellie Olsen...I loved one and hated the other. I always enjoyed watching those two duke it out....my favorite episodes were the ones where they were pitted against each other in some conflict.

As I watched "The Final Farewell" there was a line at the end that struck a chord with me.

As the show goes, the ending is that the town of Walnut Grove is taken over by a mean and nasty business man named Mr. Lassiter who produces titles to all of the land in Walnut Grove showing him as the owner. The people had worked all their lives building the town and building their homes and farms and businesses. Imagine the anger the people of Walnut Grove had when this man showed up to tell them all that they had done to build their lives there was done in vain because he was the true owner.

They are given 48 hours to vacate the town or they will be forcibly removed. Laura (God love her) is shown in a scene expressing her anger at losing her beautiful home....her husband tells her to let it out....and so she does...she smashes all the windows in her home...and finds some comfort in knowing the new owner will have a lot of repairs to make on his property.

Laura's response sparks an idea with the rest of the town.....they all realize that this man owns their land but he doesn't own what they have built.....and so they decide they will all blow up their homes and businesses so that the new owner will not profit from all of their work.

The town is united in a powerful way through this terrible ordeal. When the 48 hours is up the whole town has been blown up except the church. Mr. Lassiter comes riding in to town and sees the horrific damage. Not only does he see it, but he had also invited all the mayors of nearby cities to see what awaited their town when he shared the news with their towns people that he also owns their land.

When he rides in Nells Olsen represents the group and tells him that he may own the land but he never owned what they built. The Colonel who came with Mr. Lassiter (to provide a show of force) agrees with Nells and tells him that the people of Walnut Grove have done nothing wrong and that he will not be pressing any charges against them.

Mr. Lassiter is speechless.....and then the mayor of the next city on his hit list says "if you try to come in and take over our town I can promise you that we will do the same as the people of Walnut Grove....we will not allow you to take what we have worked all our lives to build".

The Reverend Alder hears what he says and makes this very emotional statment: "Did you hear that Walnut Grove? Walnut Grove DID NOT DIE IN VAIN"....and the people cheeered and began singing (ok that was a little corny....but they always sang on Little House on the Prarie...usually it was "Bringing in the sheathes....etc) as they left the town that many of them had worked all their lives to build....and they left with their heads held high knowing they had prevented this mean and nasty businessman from wreaking havoc on the next town on his list".

I thought to myself....part of my healing is my desire to say, "Brian M_____ you did not die in vain.....I kept living....I kept dreaming....I kept the very best parts of you alive in our family....I took the lessons I learned from your life and death and did something with them....I did my best to keep your memory alive in the hearts of our kids....your life meant something.....it matters that you lived and it matters that you died....I am a better person because of your life AND your death.....You DID NOT DIE IN VAIN....


And, I think another part of my healing is when I am able to help someone else who is going through something similar....when I can hold my head high and know that what I have been through has not been in vain....when I can realize how God can take the pain and destruction in my life and use it to minister to others.....

And then....like the people of Walnut Grove...I have to leave behind that which has been destroyed.....and I have to rebuild....I don't have to forget what was once there....but I do have to walk on....appreciating what I had but understanding that it is now gone.....God help me walk on...wherever that may lead me.....

Carpet Cleaners and Funeral Plants

I just had to share my carpet cleaner story since I alluded to it in the last post and it is definitely one of those stories worth writing down that I don't want to forget.

Here is what happened:

I had a carpet cleaner come out to the house to clean my carpet about a year after Brian died. We were looking for a new carpet cleaner for the church to do some of the children's area and so I was extra friendly with this guy...hoping to find someone who would do the church carpet too.

He came in the house and when he realized I worked for a church he also became a little more friendly. He told me that he was an ordained minister of the church of Yahweh. Yeah, whatever. I didn't think much about it...he was easy enough to talk to and I felt pretty comfortable with him there.

The conversation continued as he began to work....he eventually asked me the dreaded question, "what does your husband do?" My kids were in the same room and so I had to be honest....I said "I am a widow, he died about a year ago". If my kids hadn't been there I probably would have said "he's a custom home builder" and left it at that...I try to protect my personal information and I don't like people knowing I live by myself.

As you can imagine he told me how sorry he was....blah, blah, blah. I expected that....but what I didn't expect is what he said to me next. He said, "do you believe it is ok for you to remarry?" I said, "excuse me"....I was giving myself time to figure out how I was going to answer....he repeated the question....and I said, "what do you mean...do you mean biblically is it ok for me to remarry?" He said 'yes, I want to know if you think Scripture teaches you that you can remarry after your spouse dies". I said something like "well, yes, I think it is probably ok. I don't know of any Scriptures that teach against it". He said "no ma'am you are wrong. The Word teaches that if you remarry you will be thrown into the lake of fire". At this point I really thought he was kidding......and then when I realized he wasn't kidding I wasn't sure how to take him. I then asked him "where does it say that in the Bible?" He never really answered but then went on to give me a lecture about how I would be separated from God eternally if I broke the covenant I made between God and Brian. His last words to me before my blood began to boil and I had to leave the room were "how do you think your husband would feel if he knew you were with another man...don't you think that would be the ultimate betrayal"?

I am telling you the absolute truth....those words actually came out of his mouth. I said, "I think relationships in heaven are going to be a little different than they are here and I don't think that is really going to be an issue".....He told me again how wrong I was and how awful hell would be.....I then said " I think you and I are going to have to just agree to disagree" and I walked out of the room and tried to compose myself enough to figure out if I should ask him to leave my home...I decided that he knew too much about me to tick him off...so I let him finish, paid him and never said another word to him.

Can ya believe that? I so did not deserve that lecture. It bordered on spiritual harrassment.... I guess if I had told him I was dating or that I wanted to get remarried I can see where he might feel the need to share his opinion. But, I hadn't even so much as had a conversation with someone I would consider dating....I wasn't out on the prowl....I was minding my own business in my own home and he had the gall to put me through the ringer.

Definitely the stupidest thing anyone has ever said to me......and probably also the most hurtful....at the time anyways....now I can kind of laugh about it....


Funeral plants....I put the last two out in the garage to die tonight. I have grown weary of trying to keep them alive.....is that a bad thing? I am tired of seeing them and being reminded of why I have them....and it is hard to keep them looking good....so the last of the many plants that were sent to me are dead. I kept up with most of them for about a year and a half....then slowly I have been letting them go.....weird isn't it?

Just for fun...

Just for fun I thought I would try to write down a few of the interesting things I have learned since becoming a widow.....


I've learned that....

**Lawn mowers need oil...and mine needs Penzoil 30 Weight
**Refrigerators have filters that have to be changed or they clog and flood your kitchen
**There are certain types of fertilizers to grow grass and certain types to kill weeds...knowing the right combination is the key.
**There are weedeaters and blowers that are battery charged....and they work pretty darn good.
**There are three different types of filters for the return vents in my house.
**My air compressor needs to be drained and blown out once a year.
**There is a reason why some water hoses cost 7.00 and some cost 50.00....you get what you pay for.
**There are some people that you just can't trust...and doing business with those types of people is no fun at all.
**Grilling isn't nearly as hard as I thought it was....I think I have become pretty accomplished at it.
**Buying the warranty for tires is a pretty good idea...I have already gotten two new tires out of the warranty....who knew?
**Those stickers in your window indicate when it is time to get your vehicle inspected...and it comes once a year...
**My car has to be cleaned out about once a week...or things start to grow....
**There are vet clinics that stay open all night. They will also help you dispose of your pet when he dies....again, who knew?
**It is nearly impossible to have all the lightbulbs working in the house at one time...
**After you get the really tall ladder out and think you have all the lightbulbs working...the next day another high one will go out.
**TXU can come and turn off your electricity just because they don't like how your meter box looks...and give you no warning...
**Putting together toys and bicycles and motorized toys is a lot harder than Brian ever made it look.
**Packing up the car and loading and unloading luggage is no fun!
**Lighting the pilot light in the fireplace is tricky, but doable....
**If your garbage disposal stops working suddenly it doesn't necessarily mean it is broke...check the breakers and hit the reset switch and your problem may be solved.
**You can buy windshield wiper replacements at the auto parts store and they will even help you put them on.
**Never ever engage in conversation with a carpet cleaner who tells you he is an ordained minister of the church of Yahweh....but maybe that is a another post I will write someday..."the top ten stupidest things ever said to you about losing your spouse"


Guess that is all for now...maybe I will continue to add to the list later...

I have learned a whole lot....and I have had a whole lot of friends and neighbors help me with things I have no clue about....and for that I am grateful...

Random Thoughts

I spent the past few days in Oklahoma celebrating the Fourth of July. Getting away from my "life" here always tends to generate a lot of thinking and pondering.....here are some of my random thoughts and experiences from the past few days....

**Job continues to fascinate me. It hit me yesterday that sometimes an "experience" with God is more powerful than an "explanation" from God. If you think about Job, there was an explanation for what happened to him....there was a conversation between Satan and God that provides a clue as to why what happened to Job happened....but Job never knew that. Job never knew what God and Satan had talked about. Interesting. This indicates to me that there are times when an "experience" with God is more effective than the "explanation". How would Job have felt had he known the conversation that God and Satan had....interesting....

**I saw a lady at the mall in Tulsa who hadn't seen me in probably 15 years. I was with my sister. She looked at me and said "you look the same" and then she looked at my sister and said "you look different, your face has thinned down or something". I told my sister later that I wasn't sure that was a compliment to either one of us. And then I thought....guess I need a new style or something....but then I really thought....my looks may not have changed much but I am glad that "I" have changed....it wouldn't be a compliment for someone to tell me that I haven't changed....I need to change....and I need to grow and be stretched....and I hope I am always changing....and I would hope it would be noticeable....

**I went for a walk with my dad one evening and he asked me "have you found a man yet?" I told him no and I wasn't looking. He said "why not?" I said because I don't think that is what my kids need. The conversation went on and on. I struggle to understand his persistence with this issue. I was able to articulate pretty clearly where I stood on the issue but he still continued to push. This is one of those awkward parts of being a young widow. This isn't what I asked for....it isn't what I signed up for....I never had any intentions of marrying anyone but Brian....it just makes me mad that I am in a position where I have to defend myself as to why I am ok with being single right now. It's like my world won't be ok unless I marry again...according to him anyways....makes me kind of feel like a second-class mom or something...I know he didn't mean it that way....but it would be nice if he could be content with where I am at right now so that I could continue to be content....instead he keeps messing with my head and making me sort of believe that I won't be ok by myself...but I am pretty sure I am ok by myself....it isn't ideal...but it isn't bad....oh well...just random thoughts here...

**I thought some more about the "where do I go from here post"...I know, quit beating a dead horse....but, my thought is that maybe it isn't so much about "where" as it is about "how". "How" do I continue to rebuild our life...yes, I know I am rebuilding...but it seems to be getting more complicated or something....I went to dinner with Brian's parents while we were in Oklahoma and the thought crossed my mind...."I wonder what kind of relationship they want with me"? They are always so kind and warm and accepting and they continue to include me in everything....but I couldn't help but wonder "how do I know what kind of relationship they want or need and what kind of a relationship I want or need". I know my kids need a relationship with them and I am committed to that...but is it healthy for me to try to keep the relationship the same....ohhh I am so confused about this....I don't know how to navigate through the changes that this relationship with them will surely go through....maybe they could care less about me....I know they love the kids...or maybe it really hurts when I am around because they wish Brian was there with me...I don't know....I really don't know "How" to keep doing that relationship..

**I have been thinking more about pursuing my PhD...it is a goal I have always had and it was a goal that Brian encouraged me to have....but, my kids have needed my full attention so I have put it off....but I keep thinking about it....and I just want to have a goal to work towards....a dream to chase.....and maybe the timing is getting closer...maybe I can land the plane soon instead of just circling the airport....I just want to make the most of the influence I have....and getting a PhD would provide a platform for more influence....more influence in children's ministry...more influence in counseling....I just want to make the most of the education and life experiences that I have had....is that a bad or selfish motive?

**Lexi caught me off guard yesterday. She got a new dress when we went to the mall and she was wearing it last night and I told her how pretty she was. Just kind of off the cuff I asked her if she was going to get married someday. She said she was. Then I asked her who she thought she might marry. She said "I will marry whoever God sends me". I was floored by her very confident remark. She hasn't heard me say that before....I am not sure where she got her "line"....but it was a really sweet moment....and I have high hopes for her...

**My dad and his siblings are dealing with some business issues related to the death of their father (my grandfather). My dad was telling me about something they had decided to sell. Apparently my Aunt had always said she wanted this particular piece of property. But, she told my dad last week that "I am finding that it is getting harder to hold on to things than it is to let them go". I thought it was a pretty profound statement....and maybe that is where I am at....it is getting harder to hold on to things than it is to let them go....Of course, I am not talking about "things"....I am talking about letting go of the life I once had with Brian....hanging on to that life served a purpose for a time....but time has continued to change things....and it continues to change me....and "letting go" is beginning to feel more natural than "hanging on"....

Top Ten Vacation Memories 2007

I wanted to jot down some of my favorite vacation memories from last week....mainly for my own sake....

10. The older lady in "Mamasitos" restaraunt (she and her husband sat at the table next to us) who came over to our table and complimented my kids and my nephew's behavior. She said something to the effect of "we eat out a lot and there are very few kids as well behaved as yours were tonight".... Honestly, I was waiting for the punch-line...maybe she was smoking something....ya think?

9. The fantastic view of the beach from our hotel balcony.

8. Picking up shells on the beach with my kids and then watching my mom sit on the balcony teaching them how to make necklaces out of the shells. (Martha Stewart would have been impressed)

7. Losing one of our keys to the room and having to pay 75.00 for a locksmith to rekey our condo....I was not a happy camper about that....

6. Floating together on the lazy river at SeaWorld in the pouring down rain.

5. Going crab-hunting on the beach with the kids at 10:00pm with flashlights. I don't know when we have had so much fun....lots of laughter and giggles.

4. Watching Nathan put on diving gear and actually stay under water for 20 minutes at SeaTrek. I was amazed that he was brave enough to do it...I wanted nothing to do with it....I get claustrophiba too easily...

3. Watching Nathan, Lexi and Braden learn to surf at BoogieBahn at Schlitterbahn. Absolutely amazing...I was blown away...

2. Getting to spend time with my mom and realizing (again) what a great "meemaw" she is....she did everything we did.....and had fun doing it...hope I am that cool someday...

1. Building the sandcastle in honor of Brian for Father's Day.

Where to go from here....

I feel like I have caught my breath enough now to begin asking the question "where do I want to go from here"? I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me.....but I feel like I have probably made it through the worst part of this grief journey and I wonder where I am now headed. Afterall, I spent most of my life planning where I was headed....I have been accused many times of being too much of a planner when it comes to my life...my goals...my dreams....and my plans were thrown out the window when Brian died....not by my choosing....and now I find myself living "without a plan"....

I don't even know where I am going with this....but my whole identity was changed when Brian died. I am no longer a wife....I am no longer Brian's wife...my life is no longer centered on him....I don't make decisions based on what is good for "us" but what is good for "me and the kids".

It's a rather precarious place to be....to feel like in many ways there is a blank slate to write on....but feeling unsure and uneasy about beginning to write "my" own chapter....a chapter that doesn't include Brian....oh his memory is there....and I will always treasure the memory of our love.....but I can't keep living the same life that I lived when he was here...because he isn't here anymore...it's just me and the kids...and we have to create our own life and legacy....

So....what do I do? How do I give myself freedom to create a new life and where do I get the courage to make decisions that are difficult to make?

I am happy with my life now....everything about it is great....great church, great job, great house, great neighborhood, great friends, great school for my kids to go to....everything is "great"......really, it is....

But, there seems to be some unrest within me right now....I can't quite figure it out....but I wonder where I am headed....I don't really have a plan anymore....there are no big goals out there that I am working towards...no one to share dreams with....and I miss that....

Recreating my identity is somewhat mysterious to me....I don't really get it....I liked who I was....but that isn't who I am now....and yet I know I am not yet who I will be....I am in transition I guess (but then again, isn't everyone in transition).....and transition doesn't come naturally to me when it is being forced upon me.....

The unrest within me.....I don't like it...it's uncomfortable....not in a hugely bad way....just uncomfortable....and uncertain....and maybe a little confusing......and maybe it's just a part of the grief process...grieving for the lost goals and dreams that we had as a couple....

Where to go from here......I need a plan....in the worst way....and then maybe I wouldn't feel like I was just treading water..getting nowhere....

Yet...even after I read what I just wrote I recognize that I have come a long way....there has been much progress....it's just I don't know where to go from here......and I guess I didn't really know where I was heading for the past two years....but I knew there was movement and progress....and now I wonder how I will measure that....how will I know that I am moving in some positive direction....I now understand how short life is and I don't want to waste it....and I hope I am not.....

Celebrating Dad

This past week I took my children to South Padre Island. The picture above is what we created on Father's Day to celebrate their dad. We had some help from a local professional sand castle builder (can you believe people do that for a living?). We had a wonderful time building it. For me, it was one of the highlights of our trip.

It has now been over two years since Brian died and I made it through the anniversary of his death, Father's Day, and our wedding anniversary. Those three significant days come within four days of each other. Needless to say, I think it will probably become a tradition that I take my kids on vacation around those dates every year. It seems to help to be away from home and out trying to have some fun, even in the midst of some painful reminders.

This year I was struck by the difference in how I viewed the anniversary of his death. Last year it was all about "remembering his death". It seemed impossible not to relive the nightmare.....the phone call, the hospital, telling the kids, the funeral....all of those events consumed my mind and it was an extremely painful week.

For whatever reason....maybe call it healing....this year it seemed to be more about "celebrating his life". I found myself wanting to make sure we did things on our vacation that celebrated who he was. I planned the sand castle building specifically to be a fun thing that also symbolized the best parts of Brian. Brian was extremely creative and loved to build things. I know he would have gotten a real kick out of seeing us build the sand castle in honor of him.

I don't think I will ever be able to forget the painful events of his death...and I don't even think that should be a goal....but I am thankful that I seem to be able to now focus on celebrating his life....smiling....and knowing that we were loved by him...completely and totally loved by him....and for that I am grateful....

The Ups and Downs of VBS

Well, I made it through year two of VBS since the death of Brian. It continues to be a difficult task for me to disconnect VBS from Brian's death. This year was a little easier...I was far more engaged than last year....but I didn't finish as strongly as I would have liked.

I was most concerned about tonight....family night....because like I said, I connect VBS Family Night with when Brian died....I tried as hard as I could to disconnect the emotions from tonight....but I wasn't completely successful. I made it through the program until about 15 minutes were left in it.....I just got overwhelmed...a little shaky....and nauseous. I left the sanctuary and walked around the building for a few minutes until I could gain my composure back....I did gain it back...but I just couldn't go back in.....part of it I can't explain because I don't even understand it....and part of it was because I knew I would panic if I had to go in front of the group and be on stage....all the staff was supposed to be part of a practical joke as part of the program....I thought I was going to be ok with it but the further we got in the day I realized I just wasn't up for it. I backed out of it....took some flack for it.....but in my mind, just being able to be there was enough of a challenge.....and to have to be up on stage was just too much....and I shouldn't have been surprised that people wouldn't have a clue that that would be difficult....sometimes I forget that I can't expect people to understand....most people my age haven't been through what I have been through....and I wouldn't wish that on them.......anways...

So, I guess I didn't finish as strong as I would have liked to....but I did my best....and I did make it through most of it....and I will try to see that as progress.....I know there are people who think I was just being a fuddy-duddy.....but it had nothing to do with that....I just couldn't....I just couldn't.....and I hate that.....and I hate this.....

On a positive note...I had prayed that God would redefine how I thought of VBS.....I prayed that God would work in my kids lives and that something significant spiritually would happen to my kids during VBS....not so much this year because I knew my kids weren't close to making a decision yet....but just a general prayer that God would help be find a way to redefine this event. Tonight, Lexi came forward expressing her desire to follow Jesus. I had an opportunity to talk to her....she isn't ready yet...and she even knows that....she just wanted to come forward to show that she worshipped God....(those were her words)....but, I am thankful for that small guesture of growth on her part....and maybe God knew that would be a little bit of an encouragement to me....and even an answer to prayer...God is working in her heart....and there will come a day soon when she will be ready....and I am thankful that tonight was a first step for her....

Reflections

I attended the funeral of my grandfather this past week. I don't really have the time or energy to think through how to express some of my thoughts so just bear with these random reflections:

1. Some things never change......like the red shag carpet in the sanctuary of the little church the funeral was in. It also still had the attendance and offering chart on the organ side of the church....you know where it says "enrollment", "attendance", "offering", etc.

2. Some people never change...or maybe they do....and we enjoy taking notice of it. The lady behind me (my grandparents neighbor for the past 60 years) gave a running commentary on every person who walked by the casket. She noted if they had gained or lost weight....had greyed or gone bald...and who they were married to....no kidding, she kept making comments about every single person and I could cleary hear what she was saying.....

3. My identity has changed....this is going to sound strange but I grew weary of having all of my relatives tell me again how sorry they were for my misfortune ....some of them hadn't really talked to me since the day of Brian's burial and our conversation then was extremely limited....at my grandfather's funeral they seemed to think it was open season to talk about me and my kids and how we were doing.....it isn't that I don't want to talk about it....it's just that it was another slap in the face that I have far too much in common with many of them....and they are all about 40 years older than me.....I guess I just wasn't expecting the attention that I got....and it was a tough reminder of the identity change that has occurred....I am a widow....and so are many of them....and that just shouldn't be....

4. My dad hasn't changed.....he spoke at the funeral and did a fine job.....he talked a little too long.....(which is the part of him that hasn't changed)....but his words were heartfelt.....and I was very proud of him.....and very thankful for him as well....

5. My aunt's part in the funeral actually caused the most emotion for me. She lost her husband eight years ago to lung cancer. She got up and said something that just hit me in the gut. As she was ending her part of the funeral she said something like this....."we will all miss dad and there will be lots of tears to shed as we grieve his loss....but I also want you to remember to smile too....to smile because he was here and loved us".....Her statement was so profound to me because that is the balance I have been trying to find in grieving the loss of Brian.....I have shed many tears but I am trying now to smile too....to smile because he was here and because he loved us.....I guess her statement also meant more to me because I know she has come to that place in her journey with the loss of her husband....yes, she still cries some times...but she also smiles a whole lot when she talks about him and the life they had.....God, help me to smile too.....


Random reflections.....there's a lot on my mind.....just not sure how to get it all out right now....

Death.....

I received news late tonight that my "pawpaw" died this evening. It's my dad's dad and he leaves behind my "granny" who has her health but not her mind. I am sad mostly for her and for my dad. Yes, I will miss him but my pain will be nothing compared to my dad and my granny's.

Pawpaw is the one who gets credit for teaching me how to drive. I'll never forget his red pick-up truck that he would take me out in for my driving lesson. I looked forward to visits with him because I knew I would get to take a "Sunday afternoon drive" with him. The town they lived in had no stoplights and just one gas station. It was definitely the perfect place to teach a young teenager to drive.

I also remember the fourth of July that a "whistle chaser" landed next to me on the car I was sitting on. Pawpaw was the first to quit laughing and realize that it had scared the bajeebers out of me. I think it scarred me for a few years but I specifically remember the extra care and attention he gave me when it came time to shoot fireworks.

Kindness and faithfulness probably best describe him. I am thankful for his influence in my life and thankful for the son he raised to be such a great father to me. May God provide comfort and peace for my granny....just as He promises.

Risking It All

This past Sunday I shared with my church family the previous post "Live it Anyway". I was pretty insecure going into it because I wasn't sure anyone really cared. I know people care but I just wasn't sure it was really worthy of taking up the sermon time at our church. So I went into it hoping that what I had to share would matter to someone....that it wouldn't just be a waste of time.

It went well and the responses I have gotten from different people have surprised me. The theme of most people's response was that they appreciated me being real....that in some way it spoke to them. One person emailed me and said "I appreciate your willingness to 'risk it all" by sharing with us your journey". I am not sure exactly what he meant but if you know me very well "risking it all" goes completely against who I am.

I am one of those people who thinks "risk-taking" is, well, too risky. I am a "play it safe" type of person. I tend to take very "calculated" risks. In other words, if I am not close to 90% sure that it can be done I don't usually try it. Brian, on the other hand, took risks every single day of his life. He was a dreamer and failure didn't bother him one bit. I guess we balanced each other out....but sometimes it was a source of frustration for me. I grew weary of always being the one to "bring him back to earth". I always felt like I had to be the one to reign him back in...especially in his business dealings.

Since his death, I have realized that I need to be more balanced in my approach to risk taking. I need to be more like Brian and more willing to fail and learn from it. It is interesting because I think Brian was always trying to do just a little more than he was really capable of doing. He pushed the envelope in trying to achieve all of his goals and dreams.

I guess, in some ways, sharing this past Sunday really was a pretty risk move. Although I didn't think about it until I received the email, maybe I am beginning to get out of my comfort zone and take a few risks that may very well push me to find a better balance.

I don't expect to be jumping out of any airplanes any time soon (Brian did that the day before we got married), but maybe I will be able to continue to learn to stretch myself so that I am able to dream a few new dreams...and have the courage to chase those dreams.

Live it Anyway

Martina McBride's song "Anyway" is a great picture of one of the difficult truths of our faith. I have heard it a lot on the radio and I am usually not a big country music fan...especially when they use bad english...but this song stirred up some things in me that I felt the need to put down on paper.

Just in case you haven't ever heard the song...here are the words:

Anyway

You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anway

You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach
and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anway

Chorus:

God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy and its hard to believe that tomorrow
will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons
and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love them anyway

Repeat Chorus

You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in
that tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway, sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love, anway.


I have been especially drawn to the chorus of the song because of the simplistic way it defines our faith and the struggles that occur as we live our lives in this less than perfect world. It hits home with me because I feel like in many ways I spent the first 35 years of my life operating under the mistaken principle that life would always be good as long as I tried my best to follow God and obey his commands. My dad's favorite lecture to me what that you always "reap what you sow". And so, I believed it and I bought into it enough that I began to believe that as long as I was trying to follow God I could expect a good life. And, for the most part my simplistic and flawed theology worked. I could look at things in my life and see where I was reaping what I had sown. Sometimes I reaped good things and sometimes I reaped some bad things. It created a false sense of control for me because I thought that I was somehow controling the circumstances of my life by making sure I did more good than bad...or at least it made me afraid to do any of the really bad stuff...the stuff that should have really huge consequences...

As you might expect Brian's death caused me to question God and wonder how something so tragic could happen to my family. It wasn't an issue that I dealt with during the first few months of my grief. I think one of the benefits of the shock that we go through in those initial stages of crisis is that we aren't yet able to work through the faith issues until later when some time has passed and we have the emotional energy to face the difficult spiritual issues.

However, as I allowed my mind to face the apparently contradicting elements in my faith it led me to the conclusion that (based on my understanding of why good and bad things happened) surely there was something I had done or Brian had done to cause this to happen. I would replay in my mind conversations that we had and I tried to pick apart our relational struggles in order to find what it was that I did or he did to cause this to happen. My motivation was that I needed to know what it was that I did because I think at some level I believed I had to find a way to regain control of the circumstances of my life. In other words, I had to figure out what I did to cause it to happen so that I would never do it again.

It took several months of counseling for me to work through those issues. I considered every possible reason why it might have happened. And...there was plenty to consider and it wasn't any fun or very productive. It was emotionally exhausting. It was distracting. It literally consumed all the quiet moments in my mind. I went to bed thinking about it and I woke up thinking about it. My mind could hardly ever rest for the commotion going on inside my head.

Thankfully, I was finally able to get some resolution last March after I had a conversation with my dad that has become one of the most meaningful and healing conversations I have ever had with my dad. We were driving to the store to pick up something for my mom and I got the courage to say to him this: I said "Dad, do you remember what your favorite lecture was to me?" He laughed and rattled off one of his other favorite lectures and I said , "no that isn't the one I am talking about". I went on to say that the lecture I remembered being one of his all-time favorites was the "Shelly, you reap what you sow so make sure you are sowing seeds of love, kindness, obedience, etc...He would tell me that the law of the harvest is that we always reap what we sow and we always reap more than we sow.

And then I said to him "dad, I can't figure this one out. I can't figure out what I did or Brian did to cause this to happen....I don't get it......" On a side note...it isn't that I couldn't think of plenty of bad things I might could have done to cause it...it was that when I compared whatever struggles we had to other people in life who still had husbands it didn't seem to compute. It wasn't that Brian and I didn't struggle or get frustrated with each other or that I didn't nag him or that I wasn't sometimes unreasonable and unappreciative...it was that I couldn't see where the punishment fit the crime...it seemed to be an absurdly unfair consequence.

And so after I asked him that question he pulled his truck over to the side of the road and we talked for a long time. We both shared some pretty intense emotion and then he told me "Shelly, you and Brian didn't do anything to cause this to happen....this isn't punishment...I don't understand it either....I've even asked God what I did to cause my daughter and my grandchildren to have to go through this...." It really isn't important the details of the conversation that we had that day. What was crucial to me though was that my dad...the one who taught me that we can expect good things when we make good choices and bad things when we make bad choices...released me from this need to figure out what I did to cause Brian's death. He told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to let that go and trust that God would take care of me and the kids.

The truth was that I had wanted to ask him that question for several months but I was afraid to. One of the reasons that it was so hard to ask him that question was that I really fully expected him to say, "well Shelly, I think you and Brian probably did this...xyz...and that is why I think it happened". Sounds incredibly foolish now, but I really thought he would tell me the exact reason why it happened and I was afraid to hear what it was...because I knew I would have to live with the guilt of whatever it was that I had done for the rest of my life...

So, that one conversation with my dad allowed me to relax enough in my faith to allow some healing to begin. However, once I let go of trying to figure out why it had happened, it made the next dilemma more apparent. It occurred to me a few weeks after that conversation that...If I am not the reason it happened then why would God allow it to happen. Maybe I have been fooled by God's character. Maybe God isn't who I thought He was. Maybe God can't really be trusted with my life. Yet another dangerous road to go down. So, I struggled for several more months in counseling to work through who God is.

And, unfortunately...I still haven't completely figured that one out....and if I am honest I know that I will never completely understand God and his ways and his purposes.

But, if we look at this song....it actually has some pretty good theology....the chorus says "God is great but sometimes life ain't good. And when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should. But I do it anyway. I do it anyway."

The line "God is great but sometimes life ain't good" is a hard concept for some of us to really accept and believe...we think that if God is great then life should be good...and when it isn't...maybe you are like me and you figure maybe God isn't so good if what he is allowing us to go through is so tough....so heartbreaking.

But...really...truly....the two concepts can and should both be true. We live in a world marred by sin....in a world where all life ends...we live knowing that all of us face the same destiny of an earthly death....one thing that I have learned that never really crossed my mind prior to Brian's death is that not only does all life eventually end...all marriages also end...guaranteed.....either in death or divorce...somewhere along the way I missed that....and I was surprised and caught off guard when my marriage ended so abruptly...

Faith requires us to accept this notion that the greatness of God and the badness of the world exist simultaneously. And, like the song says....even though sometimes when we pray it doesn't turn out the way we think it should...we do it anyway....we do it anyway...

You and I aren't alone in our struggle to reconcile the bad world we live in with the Great God we worship. There are plenty of examples of men and women in the Bible who questioned God and the fairness of the circumstances they were living in. Probably the most well-known Bible hero would be Job. Job didn't get it either. The thing that is interesting about Job is that even after Job ranted and raved at God, God still never gave Him the answer He was looking for. Instead, God turned the tables and gave Job an answer in the form of a long list of questions. God asked Job "Who are you? Are you God? Were you there when I laid the foundations of the earth?" In essence, instead of an answer God gave Job His presence by speaking to Him in a powerful way. And, lest we miss this point....the Bible speaks more highly of Job than just about any other person in the Bible...so surely if Job could have understood he would have...and if God would have given anyone a complete answer to his why questions it would have been Job....

The fact of the matter was and is that there aren't always answers for our why questions. Unfortunately, I think sometimes when there is no answer we try to create an answer...we connect things together that shouldn't be connected.....because in our minds we think we have to have an answer....Christians don't do each other any favors when we tell each other "someday you will understand why it happened....or, God must have known you could handle it.....or any of a hundred other cliches we sometimes use in order to pacify our need to have an answer.

The Bible is packed with verses and passages that make it clear that we should assume there will be trials...there will be death...there will be gut-wrenchingly difficult days....but the Bible also fully affirms the Greatness of God.

Some verses and passages to consider:

Nahum 1:7

God is good, a hiding place in tough times. He recognizes and welcomes anyone loking for help, no matter how desparate the trouble.

Psalm 138:7

When I walk into the thick of trouble keep me alive in the angry turmoil.

Psalm 23:4

Even when the way goes through death valley, I'm not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd's crook makes me feel secure. ...(vs 6) Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life.

Isaiah 43:2-4

Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end because I am God, your personal God, the Holy of Israel, your Saviour. I paid a huge price for you. That's how much you mean to me. That's how much I love you.

There are no "ifs" in these passages....it's not "if you have trouble I will be with you"....it's not "if you make a mistake and find the consequences difficult to bear then I will be with you"....the greatness of God and the "badness" of life are assumed and affirmed...and God's presence is promised...and for me, that has been my saving grace. God's presence in my life during the past two years has been what has gotten me through....it was also what got Job through....and it is what will get you through....

But, it isn't just the theology that is appealing to me in this song....it is the challenge that even knowing that life isn't always going to be good that we stay focused and determined to live it anyway...to live and build whatever life God has given us...to dream whatever dream and love whoever we need to love...in spite of the fact there will be times of great struggle and disappointment and failure.....

As I have had a chance to heal some from the loss of Brian I find that life is still worth living....and that God is still worth worshipping and serving....and for that I am grateful.

His clothes....

This past week my mom was here and she asked me if it was ok if she took some of Brian's clothes to cut up and make a quilt for each one of the kids. We had actually talked about this right after Brian died and I told her then that I thought that would be a great idea but I wasn't ready to go through his clothes yet.

When Brian first died I really didn't want to get rid of any of his clothes...well, except his socks and underwear. As a matter of fact, while those two items were probably the most painful for me to see when I was in the initial state of shock, they were also the first things I was able to get rid of. I remember when I came home from the burial in Oklahoma I took a black trash bag and put all of them in it and put the bag out for trash the next day. (Seems kind of weird now that I think about it....but that is what I did). **Edited to add: Come to think of it...I used to work with someone who made her husband promise that if anything ever happened to her he would immediately dispose of her "personal" items in a black trash bag....maybe that is why I did that....but probably it is more likely that it was just too painful to have those personal reminders of him.

It was about nine months later that I began to sort through his clothes and began the process of removing some of his stuff from the closet. I didn't have a problem giving away clothes that had no sentimental value....but if the shirt or pants had a memory tied to it then I kept it. I ended up with a whole rack of his clothes, pants, jackets, etc. and I put them in the very top of our (now I say "My") closet.

The clothes have sat untouched for about 15 months. Until this week. When my mom mentioned going through them and beginning to cut them up it triggered some emotion that surprised me. What is it about his clothes that when my mom starts cutting them up it feels like I am packing him away or moving on or maybe facing the reality (again) that he really never is going to wear those clothes again. He isn't coming home.

Interestingly, a couple days later I had a dream that triggered more emotion. I dreamed that Brian really was alive. He was in a rehabilitation unit and in my dream I was only just now going to visit him (after almost 2 years of him being in the unit). He was in really bad shape. He had bandages around his head, his eyes were swollen and his face was bruised. I could give a very detailed description of what I saw in my dream (but that would trigger more emotion). When he saw me he started mouthing "momma" to me (still not sure why he would say that to me but that was the dream) and shaking his head and trying to get up. It was very evident to me in the dream that he was not the same...he was not the Brian that I knew..but he was recognizeable. One of his hands was gone and there were bandages all over his body. He had very little control of his body movements...I will stop here because the point is not how awful this dream was....the point is that I think I still have some guilt in the back of my mind that I didn't see him at the hospital or at the funeral home. I was too chicken. I didn't want to remember him that way. And yet, I have never regreted that decision and do think it was probably one of the better decisions I made while in shock.

So, my mom asking to cut up his clothes triggered emotion....that triggered some guilt about moving on...packing him away....that triggered some unacknowledged guilt that I have had about choosing not to see him....and I remember saying in the dream to the nurse "I am such a bad wife"...."I should have come sooner".....

So, just when I think that I have dealt with many of the issues of grief that I need to deal with along comes an unexpected aspect of my grief that surprises me....and all of that because my mom starting cutting up his clothes....

Just Trust Me

Last Friday I was glued to the television set watching the weather as tornados were being spotted around the metroplex. My kids were with me and were a little miffed that we had to watch the weather instead of the movie we had picked out to watch that evening. I told the kids to go and get their pillows and blankets and put them in the guest bathroom so that we would be ready if we needed to take cover. They scurried around the house and got the things they wanted to put in there. Lexi even put "SuperBee" (a stuffed animal she got to take home from school because of her good behavior) in there. Once that was done the questions started.

Is it time yet...do we need to go to the bathroom?

Where is the tornado? Is that near us?

Will you tell us when we need to go to the bathroom?

So, if a tornado comes it will suck us up right?

Will our house blow away?

Is the tornado in Burleson?

I hear something...is it the tornado?

What if the tornado sucked us up would we die?

When we go to the bathroom do we put the blankets over our head or do we sit on them?

Which way is North? Are we in North Fort Worth?

And...the questions went on and on and on. Finally, in frustration I said to Lexi (in a very irritated voice): "Lexi, trust me honey that I will tell you when we need to go take cover....trust me that I am watching the weather and I know what to look for....please trust me that I am going to take care of you....I am going to do everything in my power to make sure we are safe....just trust me Lexi"

Lexi was so focused on her worries and on trying to make sure she knew exactly what to do and when to do it that she forgot she had a mom who would do anything to protect her daughter. But...She couldn't relax....she was obsessed with trying to understand what was going on and what she should be doing about it.

My frustration with her was that she was questioning me like I didn't know what I was doing. I was intently focused on the weather and where the tornados were at. We were prepared...we had a plan....and if the situation warranted it I would have had the kids in a safe place when the storm hit. Beyond that, there was nothing more we could do....and I understood that, but she didn't.

And then a lightbulb went off....I have been just like Lexi with God....I have asked him five hundred million questions and even insinuated that maybe He didn't know exactly what He was doing. I can almost hear Him saying the same thing to me... "just trust me Shelly....trust me that I will be faithful to you....trust me Shelly....just trust me" And....His love for me....far exceeds the earthly love I have for my daughter.....there will be storms in this life....but He promises to be there with me...and He has.....for that I am grateful....

Contentment

I think it is important for me to share/document the fact that there has been a pretty significant shift in my grief journey. For months and months and months people would ask me the million dollar question "how are you doing?" For a while I grew to hate that question. I felt like there wasn't an easy or honest answer to it and frankly, I didn't even know how I was doing myself. Not to mention the fact that I knew very few people really, truely wanted to know the answer I would have to give them if I was being truthful.

However, yesterday, an old friend came by and she asked me "how are you doing".....the way that I answered her question surprised even myself. My answer was that I was doing really well (said with a genuine smile on my face).....I told her that I hadn't felt this good in a long time....and it was the truth.....I am feeling good....I have never felt more content in my entire life (that I remember anyways). I am enjoying and appreciating life again.

I am still a little puzzled by it. How could I be so content? Why am I so hopeful and yes, even happy? Nothing huge has changed. I am still an only parent. I still have to deal with the kids, the bills, the lawn, the car, the laundry, the grocery shopping, the discipline issues with kids, etc, etc, etc....my responsibilities are endless.....but so is my hope....

I am somewhat cautious in even writing this because I know that grief tends to hit you when you least expect it...and I don't think I will ever completely lay my grief to the side and abandon it forever.....but, it isn't permeating every aspect of my life. I am not thinking about Brian every hour of every day.....I am not replaying the last week of our life over and over and over again like I used to....he isn't the first thing I think about in the morning and sometimes not even the last thing I think about at night....(I do still think about him several times a day...but that is a big change from thinking about him constantly)

Contentment. For me it means that I am no longer defining myself or my happiness by what could have been or should have been....it means that I am determined to make the most of the life God has given me. Contentment lays aside the circumstances of life and focuses on the purposes of my life....to love God, to love my family,and to love and serve others.....and the bottom line is this...I am ok with the life I am now leading....it isn't what I planned....it isn't ideal....but I am finding gratitude is the best recipe for contentment....and I have much to be grateful for....(maybe I will write a post about all the things that I am grateful for....it would be a long one)

I know some healing has taken place.....I know that I am in a better place than I was even a month or two ago....I am more certain than ever before that we are going to be "more than just ok".....

He Says He's a SIX!

Several months ago I asked my 8 year old son where he was at in terms of his desire to become a Christian. I asked him to consider where he was on a scale of one to ten. One would be "I am not interested at all in becoming a Christian" and ten would be "I am ready to become a Christian". His answer then was a "three". I was hardly overjoyed but I was thankful that we had at least found a way to talk about it and I felt like he was being completely honest about where he was at.

Tonight I asked him again. This time...he said he was a six! I am encouraged by that because it tells me he is closer than he was several months ago. After the initial talk I have been more diligent about sharing my faith story with him and I have been praying for him.

It wasn't too terribly long ago that I didn't feel like there were any signs of spiritual activity going on in his life. Now, I can definitely see the signs of life.....It isn't that I am trying to rush him or encourage him to make a decision he isn't ready to make....I am just so glad to know that he is getting closer....the process is underway....for that I am grateful....

I also asked him where he was on the scale in terms of how he was in relation to his daddy's death. One would be "It still really hurts and I am still very, very sad" and ten would be "I am ok...I still miss him but I am ok". His answer tonight was a "seven"....for that I am also grateful.....

Our conversation tonight became an opportunity for me to tell him how proud I was of him and how proud his daddy would be of him. He is doing well in school....his behavior at home is good....I told him I'd take a dozen of him.....and I would....and I know his daddy is so proud of him and the young man he is turning out to be........(this is where I now wait for lightning to strike because that always happens when I brag on my kids....but I really am proud of Nathan regardless of what bonehead thing he might do tomorrow)

Tadpoles, Caterpillars and Roly Polies

Over the past few weeks I have enjoyed watching my kids interract with nature. I get a real kick out of watching them explore the outdoors. Today we went to the local park and caught tadpoles. It felt so good to be there at the park watching my kids get excited about a bunch of smelly tadpoles. I was glad that we were there instead of the local ballfield. I decided to skip spring sports this year and make it a point to be outdoors with the kids.

Part of my reason is that my kids just aren't that into sports and I have grown weary of trying to encourage them to like something that they really don't have a whole lot of interest in. More importantly though, is the fact that I have this theory (which could be entirely wrong) that maybe the most important thing I can do for my kids right now is to just let them be kids. I watch other families who I dearly love keep the road hot from all the activities and sports their kids are in and it makes me tired and stressed just observing them.

I guess if my kids were begging me to put them in 500 different activites I would be more than happy to support them in whatever they did. But, the truth of the matter is that my kids are happiest when we are at home and when our schedule is full of down time and play time.

I know I am going against the flow and in many ways we don't fit in with most families. But, I am willing to hedge my bets that my kids are going to be ok....even without 500 activities to "enrich" their life.

I am not sure exactly where I am going with this....but I have just felt a strong conviction lately that the value of kids catching tadpoles, caterpillars and roly polies has gone by the wayside....It is working for us....our life seems to be so much better right now....without all the busyness....

Finding bits of good here and there

Every once in a while I get to see some good come of the tragedy I have experienced. This week was one of those times. My sister called and told me about a man in her church that died unexpectedly this week. He left behind a wife and a three year old child.

She called because their church had not ever experienced the death of a young father. This was someone in her age bracket and many of her friends remembered that she had a sister who lost her young husband. They looked to her for advice because she had experienced death first-hand.

She asked me what were the most helpful things people did for me....what should she tell people to do or say to help minister to this lady.

I told her I could talk all afternoon about what people did that was helpful to me. But, most importantly I told her that I didn't remember anything anyone said to me, but I do remember them being there. I also told her that this was her chance to be Jesus to this lady. Use whatever resources and abilities you have and allow God to nudge you to do things that will minister to her.

I remember how overwhelmed I felt by the love and support of people. I truly felt God's presence in the most undeniable ways because of the way people took it upon themselves to be Jesus to our family. Sometimes the church is at its very best during the most difficult of circumstances.

She asked me a lot of other questions and I answered them as best I could...she called me later and said her pastor took her notes and had decided to print off a brochure to give to people to help them know what to do, what to say, what not to say, etc....

I guess this is one of those times when I am finding bits of good here and there.....and for that I am grateful. I can't yet say that I am grateful for the tragedy (that'll be the day!) but I am grateful for how God can use me...even as wounded as I have been....

Verbalizing the Significance

I spend most of my time questioning myself and why I do the things I do....why I say the things I say....why I struggle with the things I struggle with....so, it seems only natural for me to once again ask the question "what's the significance?"

I am referring to the post "Wish you were Here". Why did I write that and what significance is there?

The obvious answer is that it is part of my need for closure. I was never given a chance to say good-bye to Brian. I never saw him after he died. He was hurt too bad and I was advised not to see him. I don't really regret that because I know how hard it would have been for me to get that picture out of my mind. I would have struggled a lot more with the results of seeing him in such an injured state than I have struggled with the closure issue.

It's the emotional closure that is difficult to wrestle with....we never got to say our last heart-felt goodbyes and that is difficult to work through. Writing the two posts (If I had one more good-bye and Wish you were here) have helped to fill the void. I have never been real big on having people write letters that will never be read but in my case I have experienced the benefit of it.

So, beyond the obvious benefits, the "wish you were here" served another important purpose. The post was actually a recognition and acceptance of the fact that I will never understand why this happened. Although I didn't recognize it until later, the fact that I believe that the only helpful thing that Brian could say would be "I wish you were here" is an indication that some peace has been made with my lack of understanding. After all, I could have had Brian tell me that everything was going to work out just fine and that "xyz" was the reason that this happened and that someday I will understand it all. But, that wasn't what the post ended up looking like....

I was talking with Smitty today and I told her there is one thing I am absolutely sure of.... I will never understand why this happened to me and my family. The answer is that there is no answer.....there will never be a worthy explanation.....and my last post reflected my acceptance of that....

It doesn't mean that I like it....it doesn't mean that I don't still have questions in the back of mind....it just means that I have resigned myself to believe that I will never understand....

I think, for me, that is progress....and a little bit of healing.....and for that I am grateful.

The Unexpected Moments

Walking with my kids through their grief has been an extremely meaningful experience. I have found that they have unexpected moments of grief. The kids seem to do their grieving in little bits and pieces. Sometimes I feel like I do a good job of reading them and other times I feel completely lost in trying to guide them through their grief.

Tonight was one of those unexpected moments. I put Braden to bed and told the kids we were doing family time. Family time usually means reading the Bible or talking about what they are learning about God at church. Tonight, when I mentioned that we were going to have family time Lexi immediately went to get the big box out of the closet that has all the cards and memorabilia from Brian's funeral. I wasn't planning to make tonight about Brian but when Lexi came back with the box I figured she must need to talk about her daddy. Lexi has found a lot of comfort in reading the cards that people sent or listening to the letters that people wrote to her about her daddy.

Tonight, she found the DVD that had a photo slideshow of Brian that was put together for his funeral. I had forgotten that Lexi didn't go to the funeral and had never seen this video. I popped it in the television and we started watching it. I could see out of the corner of my eye that Nathan was getting uncomfortable and fighting back tears. Of course when I saw how it was affecting him it began to affect me....and so there we all were, silently crying. I picked Nathan up and put him in my lap and held him close....I told him that I still cried sometimes when I thought about daddy and that it was ok to cry....Lexi ran off and came back in a flash with kleenex for each of us....I think she is going to be a counselor someday.....there have been several times when I have been crying and she has run off to get me a kleenex....never says a word just disappears and comes back with kleenex and a hug.....we all cried for just a little bit....snuggled together and had one of those unexpected grief moments....but we did it together...and it was ok....and it was a sweet family moment....

I am thankful for those grief moments that we share together....they are few and far between....and are usually unexpected and unplanned....but they are meaningful to me.....and for that I am grateful.

Shelly

Wish You Were Here--Mark Harris

I was driving along this week when I heard the song "Wish You Were Here" by Mark Harris. I googled it and found the lyrics and discovered it was actually an old song that I had just never heard.

I still have thoughts rumbling through my head about what Brian might say to me if he had the chance. I think this song might be representative of what he might say.

If you have never heard it, here are the words:

Wish You Were Here.....

I wanted to tell you how closely I've kept
The memories of you in my heart
And all of the lifetimes that we've had to share
Live even though we're apart

But don't cry for me
'Cause I'm finally free

To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That's where I'll be
When you finally find me

No don't you be weary cause waiting for you
Are wonders that you've never known
Just hold on to Jesus, reach out for His hands
And one day they'll welcome you home

And that's when you'll be
Finally free
Finally free

I wish you were here
I wish you were here

And all of the dreams that you treasure
Will soon come together
And that's when your sorrow will find tomorrow
And you will rise again


I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here



The song does a couple of things for me....it puts into perspective life and death....and eternity....and I never considered that maybe Brian would just say to me...."I wish you were here"....."I wish you were here"....

And....then...he would probably say.....but you aren't here....so keep living....keep loving...keep trusting....I can see what's ahead for you and God is good.....follow your heart and chase some big dreams.....take some risks....have some fun.....and soon you will be here.....soon you will be here.....and then you will see....and then you will see.....

I think the reason he would say "I wish you were here" is not because he needs me there....or that he is missing me or waiting for me to get there....maybe the point of him saying "I wish you were here" is that he would know how frustrated I am with trying to "understand" how this happened and how it fits into God's plan for my life....he, of all people, would know that the mystery of God's hand in my life can only be revealed fully when I have all of eternity as my perspective....in other words, "Shelly, I wish you were here because I know you how badly you have been hurting and I just wish you could see what I see and experience what I have experienced....because it is all true...God is faithful and will be faithful to you for all eternity....I wish you were here because I know how confused and conflicted you have been...and there is no way for me to describe it, you just have to be here to truly understand it...."

I don't think he would feel compelled to address the past or try to explain God and His plans for my life.....I think he would just keep pointing me towards the future.....pointing me to trust God with the big picture.....I think he would want me to let go of what I needed to let go of in order to rebuild my life.....and I think he would find a way to communicate his love for me and the kids in a way that would give us enough closure to move forward....he loved us with all of his heart...he would remind me of that....


So.......really, the only thing he could say....that would be helpful at all....would be "I wish you were here".....

I guess I hoped that maybe there would be something I could dream up that he could say to me that would make all of this ok....and that would give me what I needed to make peace with his abrupt departure.....

But....that is impossible....this side of heaven.....


Until I am there....I can't understand it....

Until I am there....





Shelly

Spring Break: Evidence of Change

This is my second spring break to spend alone without my kids and without Brian. Last year was nice in some ways but also very difficult because it was the first time for me to be alone in the house without Brian and without kids. It was more of chore to make it through that first spring break. I stayed really busy and tried to get lots of things accomplished and checked off my list. The busyness kept me from being still too long to realize how lonely I was.

Fast forward to this week. I have really, truly enjoyed my time alone. Last night I ate dinner in the living room on the floor while I watched American Idol (now that is living...ha!). I have accomplished some things but haven't felt the need to keep myself overly busy.

This week has given me a little bit of hope for the future. Someday these kids really will grow up and be gone. And, I think I will be ok when I am alone. I think I might even have some fun.

No, I am not wishing that they were grown and gone. I am just realizing that this life of mine will not always be as it is today. It should be getting a little bit easier every day....the days of running myself ragged will not last forever. And, I need to enjoy this time with the kids as much as I can....

Tomorrow....I put the mom hat back on....I am ready....it has been nice...I feel a little bit more rested...and a little bit more hopeful....and I think that once again I can see a little bit of evidence of change in the grief process...for that I am grateful.



From Dr. James Dobson's book, "In the Arms of God".....
"Our task is not to decipher exactly how all of life's pieces fit and what it all means, but to remain faithful and obedient to Him who knows all mysteries".

Alone with my grief...post two

In my last post I talked about being "alone" with my grief. I was trying to put into words the feelings that had accompanied some of the grief work I had done (writing the letter to Brian). I think maybe I now understand better what was going on with me.

Although I didn't understand it at the time, the letter to Brian was a huge milestone in the grief process. It provided some closure that I didn't even realize how desparately I needed. I wrote the letter because I got to a point where I knew I had to let go of some of the emotions I had been holding in since he died. It was like the emotional pressure inside of me became unbearable. I had to let some of it out. I had to let some of it go.

So I did. And then when I did....when I told him good-bye, I felt more alone than ever before. He was really gone. And it hurt. And I have been emotionally on edge ever since. At first there was a big sense of relief. Then came the "aloneness". It isn't a "physical aloneness"...I have been dealing with that reality since the day he died. I am talking about an emotional aloneness....it's like it finally sunk in that I really am no longer married...and I am realizing that It is impossible to be in love with someone who is dead....and not only that....I now understand that I can't rebuild my life unless I accept that it is not healthy for me to keep trying to be emotionally married to Brian....maybe part of the healing includes reclaiming the emotional part of me that was married to Brian. I have a life to rebuild... I have to do it alone....and it sucks!

The weird thing is that I now find myself thinking about him less. I feel disconnected from him in a way that is hard to describe. I really, truly do not feel married anymore...I just feel alone. How does that happen? I don't get it. I still love him and will always cherish the memory of our life together. I just don't feel as connected to him any more....and that makes me sad....and that makes me feel extremely alone, vulnerable and even insecure.....

I am not sure anyone will understand this post. I am not sure I understand it. I just know that some things in my emotional world have changed pretty significantly....and I am trying to work through it....