Random Thoughts

It's been a nice weekend in our household. We've had basketball games and jump rope performances, and I got rid of my washer and dryer and old refrigerator today. Some men from our church came and got the three appliances this morning and will make sure someone in need receives them. As I watched them load up this morning I was touched by their care and concern for people in need. Thank you God for men who help others. I was blessed by them today.

Report cards came and went a week or so ago. All three kids continue to do extremely well. Each of their teachers had wonderful things to say about their work ethic and progress. I've made it my new mantra to tell my kids often that I want them to be the hardest worker in their class. They don't have to be the smartest or fastest, but I do expect them to work the hardest. They are kids, but they are beginning to apply that to their lives. Nathan's teacher wrote that he has a work ethic like no other fifth grader she has witnessed. I was impressed that she said that. I'm thankful for how God has worked in their lives and provided healing and resilience.

I'm excited about lots of things at work. There are many new goals and challenges ahead. I am thankful for the opportunity to serve here for the past fourteen years. Even on tough days, it's still one of the best places in the world to work.

I look at my house and my closet and realize neither one of those things are top priorities for me. Having the most elegantly decorated home or wearing the most "in" clothes really don't matter. I've tried to care about those things...tried to envision making my home more "hip"....tried to shop for clothes that are "in"...but, I usually fall short....and frankly, I don't really care. Maybe more than that though, is the fact that I don't have time to care. It takes a lot of time and effort to shop and renovate. I don't have that luxury and that's ok. I'd rather spend time and money on trips with the kids making fun memories than have the most decked out house or the most stylish wardrobe. It's taken me a while to realize that's just not who I will ever be....and it's taken me a while to realize that I think my kids will remember the fun things we did together rather than the furniture or clothes they had when they were young. So, I will be trying to update my house as I can...and I will always want to "try" to look nice...but, I'm completely focused on making "memories" with the kids.... and I am confident that is a great investment!

It's been interesting the past couple of weeks because I am an associate member of an adult class at church. They recently formed new care groups. For the first time in 14 years, a church member (as a representative of an ABF) contacted me to see how we were and if I had any prayer requests. I had forgotten how good it feels to have someone (from an ABF) care about you. Another member of the group saw me yesterday and invited me to go to lunch with the group on the first Sunday of every month. Again, I was flattered to be invited. However, it brought up an ongoing struggle. Married people really don't want to hang around with a single mom and her three kids. They will do it every once in a while or on special occassions...but as a general rule, it just isn't a good fit. Which, makes me sad...and reminds me how different I am. I know they don't really want to hang out with me, but I'm glad they asked.


Life is good and sweet....the kids are in a groove right now...Braden is doing very well...and when he is doing well, we ALL do well.....

For a good weekend, I am grateful.

The Fair and Balanced Report

My last post reflected the emotional afterglow of our trip. It was definitely my all-time favorite family vacation. However, there were some hairy moments....and so, this is the fair and balanced report on the vacation.

It almost started out disastrously. I realized on Friday (before we were to leave on Sunday at 6:20am) that I did not have a birth certificate and that I could not get on the ship without one. I had gathered the kids but had failed to get mine. I was born in Oklahoma and the only way to obtain a birth certificate was for my mom to drive to Tulsa and get one and then my dad drove to Texas on Saturday to deliver it. Wow. I almost really, really, really blew it. I am so grateful that my parents were willing to step in and rescue me.

The next challenge came in getting all four of us up and out the door at 4:30am on Sunday morning. We did it, but it was certainly not a lot of fun. The kids did really well but it was incredibly stressful to try to make all that happen and get parked, go through security and get on an airplace by 6:00am. You just haven't lived until you have had to corral 3 kids and their luggage through an airport. I think I burned about 500 calories lugging it all.

Braden got lost once on the ship. It was an emotional reunion for him when we were reunited. He had insisted in getting himself some pizza without any help. When he returned the kids had moved on to another game and he couldn't find them. Instead of just waiting there, he began to roam the ship. I finally caught up with him on the 5th deck...he was supposed to be on the 9th deck. I think he learned a lesson....and so did I.

There were many lessons in manners, etiquette, and behavior modifications galore. Let's just say it was a good training exercise. They learned a lot and I was reminded that kids have to be taught many, many things. I also learned that Braden has no volume control. He has a booming voice and that became an issue we had to continually address.

There were times when I lost my patience and grew frustrated. Mostly, it was because I couldn't do everything I wanted to do because I was outnumbered....I found myself feeling down on myself every once in a while...wishing I had "perfect" children who needed no supervision. However, by the end of the trip I decided to give myself credit for doing the best I could. I saw no other single parents on the ship. Everyone else had at least two adults helping to corral their kids. I think I did pretty well considering there was only one of me. I gave myself permission to feel proud that we had been able to function well as a family and enjoy a nice vacation. This is actually pretty huge because many times I feel like the entertainment on vacation or in public. Our family can be a three-ring circus and I am learning to cut myself and my kids some slack.

We went from sun-up to sun-down each day...NONSTOP....and I really enjoyed not having my cell phone or internet access. I read no emails all week. It was glorious. I found that I was focused on the kids and living in the moment...and I enjoyed it.

The kids got several lectures from me. Braden pushed my buttons on a couple of occassions. They weren't perfect and neither was I. But, we had a good time....no, a FANASTIC time!

There were times when I wished I wasn't alone.

There were times when I wondered what in the world was I thinking to go on this vacation by myself with three kids.

There were also times when the kids fought and drove each other crazy.

Yep, it was a pretty normal week.

So, there's a more fair and balanced report....

It was an unforgettable trip....perfect? No.

Birthday Bucket List Trip

I have a million thoughts rolling through my head. I am trying to remember all the funny things the kids said on our trip....they were quite entertaining. Here are a few:

Braden (as we were walking through a casino to get to the waterpark): There sure are a LOT of people here WASTING their money....(in his loud and animated voice).

Lexi (as were riding in a bus in Nassau): There's black people everywhere here. (She got a multi-cultural lecture from me...brought her to tears, but it was funny how she said it)

Braden (as we were watching the Alaadin show with belly dancers): MOM, I think they are wearing some UNAPPROPRIATE clothes down there (said loudly so everyone around us could hear, at least it felt that way)

Braden (as people in front of us were taking pictures when they weren't supposed to): MOM, THEY AREN"T SUPPOSED TO TAKE PICTURES....THEY ARE TAKING PICTURES, MOM....(luckily, I think they didn't speak English because they never turned around and didn't quit taking pictures)

There were some more but I can't remember them right now...will come back and edit later.

SO, I "felt" like a super hero today. There is a difference between actually "being a superhero" and "feeling like one"...I'm not one, but I did feel it today. Packing suitcases, checking in suitcases, getting off the ship, catching a bus to the airport, renting a car all by myself, driving around Orlando all by myself, getting back to the airport all by myself, turning in the rental car, doing the security shuffle (that will kill you if you aren't careful!), hopping a train to the terminal, flying in an airplane with 3 rambunctious kids, picking up baggage, catching a "terminal link" to get to the parking garage where I parked, finding the car immediately (I took a pic of where I parked with my phone so I'd know what level, what garage and what space), finding my way out of the airport maze and driving home....Now, THAT makes me feel like a superhero! I think I counted 7 forms of transportation in the past 12 hours. And, there was very little emotional collateral damage...no lost items or children...and we came home with some money in our pocket.

I'd say, it was a good trip.

There was one point in the trip when I found myself overcome with emotion. I was watching my kids floating in an innertube in a glass enclosed waterslide through a tank of live sharks and it hit me....unexpectedly...my thought was this, "God, why do I get to do these things with my kids...why have you been so good to ME to allow ME to be here, with them...why doesn't Brian get to see this?" It wasn't an angry thought...it was a profoundly grateful moment when I realized our life is good and sweet and I am blessed to be able to make memories with my kids. I don't deserve all the fun times and memories we are making. I really don't.

And then....the kids came squealing out of the water telling me all about what they saw and begging me to go with them....and so, I did.....and I have to say, it was one of the COOOLEST waterslides I have ever ridden.....

For a wonderful week...and another item to check off my bucket list....I'm grateful.

Welcome 2010!

It's been a while since my last post.  I have been consumed with family and fun over the past few days.  I haven't really even had a chance to think about goals for 2010.  One thing that keeps rumbling through my brain is that I want to be less fearful in 2010.  

Fear tends to paralyze me, cripple me and discourage me.  I fear change, I fear risk, I fear failure.  This year, I'd like to fear less and risk more.  I'd like to be open, truly open to whatever 2010 brings.  My fear is rooted in a lack of trust.  I have a hard time trusting people and trusting God with the results of my efforts.  I spend far too much time calculating the risks instead of reaching for the reward.

2009 was more than I could have hoped for in terms of accomplishing some major goals.  I started off the year by passing my NCE exam with flying colors.  I took a major national exam 10 years post graduation that most people take within a year after graduation.  I spent months preparing for it and it only took me 42 minutes to complete the 200 question comprehensive exam.  My hard work paid off and I am extremely and profoundly grateful.  In May I received an award at school that included a cash scholarship.  In July I found out we won a cooperative agreement (grant) that has allowed many new ministry doors to open.  Finally, on December 21st, just six weeks after my building went up for sale, I closed on my commercial building in Granbury.  I can't think of a better ending to the year than getting rid of that incredible headache.

So, what does 2010 hold?  In just 6 days the kids and I leave on a Disney Cruise to celebrate my 40th birthday.  Last week I gave the kids a birthday party invitation that requested the pleasure of their company on the Disney Wonder January 10-14, 2010.  Thankfully, they accepted my invitation...:)  It will be Braden's first trip on an airplane and the kids first cruise.  Woohoo...can't wait!!!

I've got some new ideas ruminating in my mind related to reaching young families in our community.  I'm excited and ready to hit the ground running.  One of the areas that I want to focus on is transferring ownership of the preschool ministry to our parents.  We have a good buy in from our parents but I think it could be better and I think I have some ideas about how to do it....I'm also looking at doing some updating in the preschool area...that should be tons of fun!

So, I would say that I am extremely excited about 2010....looking forward to whatever challenges and opportunities that come my way..and trying, really trying to be less fearful and more risky....

For a fresh page to write on...I'm grateful.

Christmas 2009

Christmas 2009 was a memorable and magical one.  We were blessed with 8 inches of snow in Oklahoma to give us a beautiful White Christmas.  There is just something wonderful about a White Christmas. 

We had a chance to go to Great Wolf Lodge the night before we drove into Oklahoma.  I got word of the snow storm (make that a blizzard) that was coming and drove back home from Grapevine to get winter wear for the kids before we left.  It ended up being a good call because they really used all their snow gear that I went back for.  Score one for mom!

Great Wolf Lodge was a very sweet time with Brian's family.  I feel fortunate to have a good relationship with them and my kids truly enjoy spending time with their cousins.  We had a total group of 17 running amuck in the hotel.  It was memorable, fun and LOUD!

Christmas Eve was spent with my family.  We rushed through the dinner to open presents so that family could leave before the roads got too bad.  Both my brother and sister had a hard time getting home and could not get in their driveway.  I was thankful I didn't have to go anywhere that night.

Christmas Day we spent with Brian's family.  Brian's dad called and offered to come get me and the kids so that we didn't have to drive on the bad roads.  I was glad he did because the roads were pretty dicey.  We spent the whole day with them and enjoyed most every minute of it (minus the few squabbles the kids got into over who was to sit where).  

I drove back yesterday so that I could be home for church today.  It was a nice, quiet evening and I have enjoyed some "me" time today.  I went to downtown Fort Worth and did some shopping.  I was given a gift certificate (last Fall) that had to be used in Sundance Square so I enjoyed hanging out at the Starbucks/Barnes and Noble bookstore for a while this afternoon.  Interestingly and surprisingly,  I ended up in a conversation with someone there that was enjoyable.  I'll leave it at that.  You just never know what a day holds.

I'm home by myself for a couple of days.  I'm going to enjoy it and drink up the silence.  The kids are spending time with my parents in Oklahoma.  They are loving the snow there!

I'm thankful for this Christmas season...it was sweet and memorable...for that I am grateful.

It's Done!

I closed today on the commercial property. It was interesting driving through Granbury, over to the title office in Acton, and to the bank in Granbury. It brought back memories of Brian's dreams. He had a business in Acton for a while and the town was barely recognizeable. In Granbury, I couldn't find the bank. I finally had to call and get direcions because I hadn't been to the bank since dad and I were there a few weeks after Brian's death. When I got there nothing seemed familiar. Nothing. I guess I was completely out of it when we were there because it was almost confusing how disoriented I was in relation to where the bank was and what it looked like on the inside. I even asked the teller if this was a new location. She looked at me like I was an idiot. I am sure she was thinking "I better check the I.D. on this girl because she doesn't even know where she is at." I closed out the account today. I can't tell you how good that felt.

I no longer have anyone's business but my own to take care of. I can live with that. I no longer have to take calls about building issues, or hunt down my tenants for their rent check, or meet with contractors to address issues with the building, or worry about what new city code they may try to force me to meet, or watch the radar to see if a flood is coming through Granbury, or go online to the bank and check my balance only to see that they haven't paid their rent yet, or anything!!!!!!!

The sign went up November 4th. We closed on December 21st. I'd say that was a Christmas miracle. I'll take it. The economy is in the toilet, there are vacant buildings in Granbury that have been on the market for over a year....and my building sells and closes within 6 weeks. Only God can do that. I am grateful for the way He answered my prayers.

Thanks be to God!

Struggling to stay in the Christmas Spirit

I can't put my finger on it but I am just struggling this year to really enjoy the process of getting ready for Christmas with my kids.  I did some shopping today but it wasn't any fun and I had to work hard at making myself spend money.

Am I down? Yes.   Depressed?  I'm not sure.  Maybe.  Should I be?  No.  Life is very good.  God has blessed our family in many, many ways this year.  Still, I am down.  Feeling ambivalent about giving...which usually is one of my favorite things to do.  In my head, I know I shouldn't be depressed.  There are so many things I can be thankful for.   However, my emotions tell a different story.  I'm sad.  Not all the time...just when things slow down or I am by myself...then I feel this heavy sadness.  When I'm around other people I can be happy and I can be productive.  

I miss having someone to go shopping with me...someone to get excited about putting Christmas together for the kids....someone to carry the big toys out of the store or put stuff together the night before.  I miss doing life with someone besides myself.  Maybe that's it.  Christmas is magnifying what is missing...

I don't like doing life alone.

Maybe that's why I am struggling. 

I know Christmas isn't supposed to be about me....or about what is missing....it's about God's great gift to the world.   God help me focus on you.....help me see beyond myself....give me your sense of peace and purpose....for that, I will be so grateful.

Black Friday

For the past five Black Friday's I have visited Brian's grave.  The first year I went to the cemetery I walked around struggling to find his grave.  I had not visited there since the burial on June 21, 2005.  His headstone was not in place yet and I found it very difficult to remember anything about the location where the burial was.  There was an older couple walking around the cemetery that day.  As I watched them walk around I muttered to myself, "I'm too young to be visiting my husband's grave".  After several attempts to find his grave, I began to feel guilty.  I thought to myself, "What kind of wife doesn't know where her own husband's grave is?"  When I finally found it I dropped to my knees and began weeping.  I was alone, my family didn't know I had slipped off to go to the cemetery.  I will never forget that day.  It was a cruel reminder of the finality of his death.

Yesterday, I took Braden with me to visit Brian's grave.  We drove right to it.  I know exactly where it is, I know the landmarks to find it, the road to turn down to get there...it's familiar.  As is our custom, he put his hands on the headstone to see how much he had grown.  His hand continues to become larger and larger in relation to how small it was when he was two years old.  As I watched him touch it I was thankful for Brian's legacy of love.  Brian left a clear path for the kids to follow.  They have no doubts about whether their dad loved them.  They have no doubts about his character or faith.  I'm thankful for that, truly thankful.

Each year when I go to his grave it seems to get a little easier.....it's a familiar place of emotion and memories....I'm finding that life continues to push me forward and that his gift of love to me and the kids provides a certain amount of inspiration to make sure we are "more than just ok".  I think he would mostly be proud of us...proud of how we've managed....proud of how we still honor him.  He was a great man....for his life, I am extremely and profoundly grateful.

Count Your Blessings....Name them one by one....

I wanted to take a few minutes to "count my blessings".  Thanksgiving provides a mental cue for me to stop and consider all that I have to be grateful for in my life.  Here is my list for 2009:

1.  I'm thankful for new beginnings, endings, and detours.  God uses everything in my life to teach me about His character and presence.  I'm especially thankful that another semester has just about come to a close.  I emailed off my paper last night and finished up a video/powerpoint presentation tonight.  

2.  I'm thankful for my parents.  My mom has been incredible to me this fall.  There is no way I would have made it through all the events/trips/expectations/school demands had she not come to rescue me several times.  My dad has given me room to make decisions but has also provided timeless wisdom and insight when I needed it.  A couple of weeks ago he told me he was proud of me and all that I was accomplishing.  His words are so powerful in my life.  Thank you God for my mom and dad.  Keep them healthy and safe and may they be a part of my life for many years to come.

3.  I'm thankful for my kids and the way they inspire me to "swing for the fence".  I love the way Nathan works hard at school and is driven to excellence.  Lexi is a joy to be around and her tender faith is a huge blessing in my life.  Every day when I look at Braden I am reminded of Brian.  I love that he looks just like him.  I love his smile.  My kids are a gift, a treasured, precious gift.  Thank you God, Thank you God.

4.  I'm thankful for opportunities to stretch and grow.   I count it a privilege and joy to be able to go back to school and learn.  I get jazzed about the things I am learning.  If I could, I would go to school for the rest of my life....I love learning...absolutely love the process of learning.

5.  I'm thankful for the way God provides for me and the kids.  We are blessed.  Thank you God for your provision and faithfulness.

6.  I'm thankful for hot showers, bubble baths, caffeine-free Dr. Pepper, long walks on beautiful Fall days, family time, summer vacations, a job I love, a great elementary school for my kids to attend, the support of our local church family and friends who know me well and love me anyways.

7.  I'm thankful for affirmation that helps me see God's work in my life.  I'm thankful for those people who speak words of affirmation to me when I most need it.

8.  I'm thankful for a beautiful home and wonderful neighbors.  

9.  I'm thankful for music and the songs God has used to speak to me this year.  

10.  I'm thankful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ....who brings beauty from ashes.

High Points, Perspective, and Peace

This past Sunday I participated in a cardboard testimony service.  At some point there will be a video and I will post it here.  However, for now, I wanted to get down some of my thoughts about that experience.  First of all, it felt like a very natural expression of God's grace in my life.  I had no problem doing and felt honored to participate.  Lexi was also a part of it (by her choice).  After it was over I had several people thank me for being willing to do it.  One lady told me I was very "brave" to do it.  Other people commented on Lexi's participation and indicated her part in it brought them to tears.  Honestly, it wasn't a "brave" thing to do.  It was just the "right" thing to do.  God has been faithful to me and the kids, He deserves the credit and I wanted to give Him that glory.  In the second (of four total) service I was caught off guard and incredibly moved when (at the end of the song) the congregation rose to their feet to clap.  I never expected it would illicit such a response.  When I began to see people standing and clapping I was overcome (internally) by God's presence and encouragement.  It's a moment I will never forget.  I managed to keep most of my emotions in check but I was moved to a level I haven't experienced in a long, long time.   It was definitely a high point for me.  I'm incredibly grateful for the opportunity to share my testimony of God's amazing grace in my life.

Today, I had the opportunity to share my story with a group of ladies who are in our Job Corps program.  I used the theme of "perspective" to talk about how limited our view of God's work in our life is.  We played a game where they were to guess some "mystery" pictures. The pictures were close-ups of random objects and they were to try to determine what the picture was based on the close-up.  It provided the example of how little we see and know of God's big picture in our life.  None of them were able to guess all the pictures.  As a matter of fact, their accuracy was dismal.  In the same way, none of us are able to accurately judge God's work in our life because we see such a limited, finite view.  The God of eternity sees us as we someday will be, and there is no way for us to draw conclusions based only on what we see now.  It was a sweet time and a growing time for me.  I'm becoming more and more comfortable telling my story and sharing how God is bringing beauty from the ashes of my life.  Again, I'm thankful for the opportunity to be able to speak of His goodness.....and, I'm extremely grateful to be where I am at and not where I was at four years ago.  Yeah God!

Peace.  For the past few days I have been at peace with the issues surrounding my building in Granbury.  It's almost unexplainable how much peace I have about it right now.  This weekend, I was consumed by it, today I am able to trust that whatever is meant to be will happen.  I'm praying that God will close the door if it isn't the right decision for me.  And, if He does close it, I can be grateful for that...truly grateful...and at peace.  

The kids and I will be (and are) more than just ok....of this I am certain....

Just Hanging Around...

My Inspiration and Motivation

I picked up our Christmas pictures today from Chantel.  I have about 200 pics to choose from.  I am sure many of them will find their way onto my blog at some point.  This is one of my favorites...just love it!

My kids are my inspiration and motivation to keep going even when I'd like to quit.  I'm grateful God has blessed me their lives.

A Child's Grief

All the books tell you that children grieve in bits and pieces.  They aren't able to make sense of all that they lost at the time of the loss.  So, as they grow and mature and realize what they lost, they continue the grief process.

Lexi had a grief moment tonight.  It was more than a moment...it was one of her more emotional expressions of her loss.

We finished a long book last night about a little girl whose dad was in a car wreck and she was trying to get to him to "wake him up".  It was a really cute book and the ending was perfect (she was able to wake him up).  I asked her about it tonight.  I asked her what she would have said if she had a chance to talk to her dad before he died.

At first she deflected the question.  But, then she started to think about it and she began to cry.  

I held her as she laid in bed and cried...and sobbed....and her tears fell onto my face and joined mine.  I told her to let it out....and that I still cried sometimes too....and that it was ok.  I held her until she stopped several minutes later.

We talked about it some more.  I told her that I asked the question because I thought she might be thinking about that when she was reading the book last night.  I was just wanting to hear what she thought....instead, it opened up some emotion and feeling.

I think it was a healthy thing for us to do that.  It reminded me of how much more grieving she has to do....and it gave her a chance to release some of the emotion.

There's a part of me that wishes my kids could find an ending point to their grief.  It seems unfair to ask them to carry this burden for the rest of their life.  It's not that I want them to "get over it".  It's that I want them to get some relief from it and be able to integrate the loss into their life.  I know they are many years away from that....and that hurts me to think about all the tears that have yet to be shed.  

God help me be there when they need to cry...help them to feel open to grieve...and may I be an instrument of Your healing in their lives.

Saturday....ahhhhh!

No soccer game+beautiful weather=Relaxing and Productive Saturday!

We had a bye this week so there was nothing on our schedule today.  As a result, it felt like a mini vacation.  We had a nice, relaxing day.  The kids were happy to be at home and we accomplished only the things we wanted to!

From snuggling on the couch watching cartoons....to playing basketball on the driveway....to reading 86 pages to Lexi and finishing a 337 page book we have been working on for about two weeks....to cooking a great family favorite meal for dinner...it was ALL good!

The only thing I ditched that I felt a little guilty about was the school carnival.  The kids expressed an interest in going earlier in the week but didn't mention it today.  So, we didn't go.  Part of it is that I am tapped out from all their school activities and field trips...but part of it is that it is no fun to take 3 kids to a carnival by yourself.  There is nothing fun about trying to manage three kids and their tickets and prizes and food and everything else all by yourself!  Similar to the Boo Bash, I just couldn't make myself go....and I guess that's ok.

Oh, the productive part for me...I am now on page 19 of the paper I am writing...only 11 to go.  The kids played outside for a while this afternoon and I was able to get 4 more pages written....it's all down hill from here and I am very pumped and relieved about that!

On a side note, I've got some heavy things on my heart and mind right now.  I'm trying to process difficult issues and need wisdom in knowing how to do that.  I really miss Brian for that...I know I've posted about this a million times...but, it is so hard to do life on your own with no one to help you sort through thoughts and feelings.  I've learned that I work through my issues by verbalizing them....it's kind of hard to do that with no one to listen.  

For a beautiful Saturday...I'm thankful...and grateful.

Fall Ramblings

I'm amazed that we are now officially in November.  Wow.  This Fall has been one of the craziest seasons I have ever experienced.  Life has been overwhelmingly busy.  The pace has begun to slow down (thankfully) but I fear this is only the calm before the Holiday storm.  It makes me cringe to think that we are within just a few days of heading full steam ahead into Thanksgiving and Christmas.

The kids each snagged an award at the Nine Weeks Award Ceremony at their school.  Nathan and Lexi got "integrity" awards and Braden got a "compassion" award.  I'm proud of them (as if that wasn't already obvious from the last post).  We celebrated their report cards and awards on Friday night with dinner at Outback.  YUM!

Today marked the official first step into the journey of the empty commercial building in Granbury.  I shared with the kids tonight during Family Time that we needed to pray that God would provide a buyer or renter for my building.  They had lots of questions.  My main focus was not for them to worry about it, just to pray about it.  I'm definitely praying about it.  I still have a peace about it and know that God is God and His provision never fails.  I'm trusting in that, but making adjustments where I can. 

We talked during family time tonight about "wisdom" versus "foolishness".  We are either wise or foolish in our decisions.  If I could somehow impart this truth to my kids and help them apply it in their lives, I know they would find God's best for their life in whatever they do.  Later, I heard Lexi telling Braden, "is that a wise or foolish thing to do?" when he was about to smear something on the couch.  Gotta love it when they immediately apply something....

Last night was a lot of fun as we took the kids trick or treating around the neighborhood.  I felt some guilt because we weren't at the Boo Bash in Old Town Burleson.  However, based upon the experience we had last year, I couldn't force myself to take the kids back.  I miss the more controlled environment (seriously, I don't want to see adults dressed inappropriately and neither do my kids!) of our church hosting a Fall Festival.  It did make me feel a little less guilty when I heard from lots of parents of preschoolers that they didn't go either...and for the same reason.  I did, however, miss seeing all of our cute preschoolers in their costumes....I saw some of them around the neighborhood but it just wasn't the same.  Maybe we can figure out a way to do something for preschoolers next year at church...something to think about.

As the fog of this Fall has begun to lift I have realized how isolated I let myself become and how tunnel vision robbed me of some great times and fun.  It's almost like I checked out last month and just went on auto pilot in mock speed.  I don't want to do that again.  Life has to slow down and I have to quit isolating myself.  My kids deserve better than that from me.

Ramblings...ramblings....that's all for now....

Grateful for the seasons....more determined to enjoy them....

Kudos to the Kiddos!

It's been a great evening in our house!  All three kids brought home report cards and all three of them did FANTASTIC!  Nathan hit his out of the park, Lexi grew leaps and bounds in math, and Braden started his academic career on a bright note!

I couldn't be prouder of them.  My only complaint is that Braden got an "S" in work ethic.  In our grading system this is equivalent to a "b".  To me, there is no excuse for not getting an "M" in work ethic....we talked about it tonight and hopefully, he will decide to work harder this nine weeks.  Academically, Braden's report card was perfect!  Compared to Nathan and Lexi's kindergarten report card, he has had the best one of all three of them.  He has natural ability they didn't have, however, he tends to be a little lazy.  The other two kids are extremely hard workers and they have had to be to accomplish what they have accomplished.  If I can just channel his energy and get him motivated, there will be no stopping him.   

Here are some of the comments from their teachers:

Nathan:

"Nathan has truly mastered each and every objective I have placed before him.  He is an excellent reader, a spectacular writer, a great leader in group discussions and activities, and brings a wealth of knowledge and wisdom to the table each and every day.  Nathan is an amazing young man.  He's obviously very, very smart.  But he's also creative, funny, hard working, and has tremendous leadership abilities.  He has an ability to quietly lead those around him.  He is most definitely a respected friend, and brilliant to boot!  I would like to see Nathan choose an area of high interest to him and apply it some way to math or science.  He's so smart, I want to give his brain a workout!"

Lexi:

"Lexi is a thoughtful, respectful, and loving young lady.  She comes to class each day determined to do her personal best.  She is doing a great job in all areas of study these first nine weeks.  Lexi's progess in math has been amazing!!  She immerses herself in the problem and works until she solves it.  She is growing into a problem solver who is ready to take on each and every challenge that comes her way!  We are so proud of Lexi and all that she has accomplished.  It is so exciting to see all of her hard work pay off."

Braden:

"Braden completes his work on time.  He is getting better on slowing down on his work and giving it his best effort.  He has to be reminded some of the time to raise his hand before speaking out.  He has no problem participating in class and is always engaged in learning.  I am very proud of his reading and his improvement in writing.  Keep up the good work!!"

Each of them have unique strengths and each of them have room for improvement (always).  I'm thankful they are doing well.  I wish Brian were here to see their accomplishments.  I gave Nathan a bear hug today from me and then one really big bear hug and told him it was from his dad.  Brian would be so proud....so very proud...

Thankful.....so very, very thankful.

Lexi's Perspective

Kids amaze me. They have an innocent perspective on life that adults lose somewhere along the way. I was laying down to pray with Lexi tonight and I started talking to her about how she was doing and how our family was doing. My intentions were to take her temperature a little bit to see if all the stress I had been under was translating to her and her life.

I asked her on a scale of one to ten what she thought about our family. "One" is our life is terrible and "ten" is our life and family is fantastic. She immediately, without hesitation said "ten".

I was taken back that she would rate our family so high. I see a huge deficit in our family and would never be able to rate it a "ten", especially the past few weeks when things have been running at break neck speed.

I asked her why she thought we were a ten. Her answer was "because we get to do fun things and stuff...and because we have you as our parent, you know since daddy died I'm just glad we have you...I'm glad I have a parent."

I laid there in disbelief at the perspective she had. Instead of feeling cheated that she only has one parent she is thankful she has "a" parent.

She has no reason to be thankful that I'm her parent...I'm flawed, impatient, and in need of constant help from God and others...yet, she's thankful. "Thankfulness" will go a long way in her life. I told her "I think it is pretty amazing that you can be thankful that you have a parent..a lot of kids get mad at God for not letting them have two parents...you aren't choosing to be mad, you are choosing to be thankful, and I am very proud of that".

She's a pretty special gal....and I am amazed at how God has worked in her life. One of the prayers that is in my journal I wrote in just a few weeks after Brian died was that my children would not grow up angry at God...I prayed that they would love God even more because of all they had experienced. God is answering my prayer with Lexi. There isn't a hint of anger in her....maybe that will come later as she ages and realizes what all she lost...but, for now, her perspective is amazing....

For answers to prayer and getting a glimpse of Lexi's perspective...I am so grateful and blessed.

Thankful....and a little frustrated

I'm thankful for my mom and the way she has helped me over the course of the past four and a half years.  She was here again this weekend to distract the kids while I wrote my paper.  I got 14 pages written...woohoo!  There is no way I could have done it without her.  God has blessed me with two fantastic parents who have supported me and stood in the gap when necessary.  I thank God for that and realize how lucky I am to have that kind of support.

I feel soooo much better having accomplished so much this weekend.  The burden of school has lifted a little.  I know I will get it completed and it is turning out to be a pretty good paper.  The pressure of feeling like I was behind the curve on it was weighing heavily on me.  After this semester I will be one hour short of being halfway through the program...hard to believe I am that far along.  There is light peering out of the end of the tunnel....

I got a random phone call tonight that got me all flustered.  A PTO mom called me to let me know I was on their list of people who had not given money for the school carnival.  They asked each class to ask each student to have their parent give 10.00 towards the fund.  I have 3 kids and so that would have been 30.00.   Frankly, every other check in my checkbook is written to their school.  Nathan has a big fieldtrip that I have a monthly payment of 78.00 and all three of them are asking for 23.00 yearbooks (69.00 total).  Add on top of that the 145.00 I need to pay to have them in Upward Basketball and my monthly budget was shot.  So, I said "no".  Apparently, that isn't the answer they want.  But, I said it anyway.  "No, I am sorry, I need to say no this time".  

Why did they need to call me about it?  Why can't they take no and understand people have limits.  It's taking everything in me not to write an email to the principal letting them know how inappropriate it was.  I'm on a list....of non-givers....great.  Love that.  Totally unnecessary.  

So...incredibly thankful, and a little frustrated....life is always interesting...:)

What a day....

Crazy busy.  I accomplished a lot today!  This morning we got our family pictures made for our annual Christmas card.  It just isn't a photo session without tears from one of the kids.  Lexi was moved to tears towards the end of the shoot.  Thankfully, she pulled herself together and finished it out.  I was exhausted afterwards.  There is something about trying to get kids dressed and looking good that creates an incredible amount of work and stress.  I hope we get at least one good family picture from all the effort. 

Once we got back from that I went to the library...actually three libraries.  I went to the Burleson Library, SWBTS library and TCU library.  Mom is here so I was able to make the rounds and pick up about 15 additional resources for my paper.  I have never moved so fast and furious at a library than I did today.  I was on a mission and the mission was accomplished.  I got some great new books to beef up my paper.

By 2:30pm I was back home grabbing Braden to go to his soccer game.  We flew to the game and it was a lot of fun to watch.  He is improving and his team is improving.  They still struggle and Braden loves defense because he can just sit back and wait for the other team to bring it to him and then kick it halfway down the field.  Fun times.

After Braden's game we had meltdown city.  It was so. much. fun.   NOT!  Braden and I had a major confrontation and it wasn't pretty.  He has been pushing the limits and finally pushed me to the edge.  He was supposed to go to Peter Piper's Pizza with my mom for dinner.  It was a reward for doing well with the pictures.  Unfortunately, I had to keep him home and he had to miss dinner.  He was very angry.  He destroyed his room (threw everything in the middle of the floor).  I tried to use Love and Logic with him.  It worked in some ways.  In other ways, I think it just ticked him off.  The end result was good.  Once he calmed down, cleaned his room, and had a long heart to heart talk with mom, the rest of the evening went beautiful.  

Why is that kids are so affectionate, respectful and delightful after a major confrontation like that?  Once we talked it through, he was like another child.  Thankfully.  

Parenting is tough.  I don't like it when the kids have to suffer big consequences.  I don't like it when I allow them to push me too far.  I know that I have relaxed too  much with him lately.  It is so hard to be consistent, especially when you are crazy busy and exhausted.

I'm not sure how well I am doing with Braden.  I question myself and my parenting abilities on a regular basis.  I pray God is working in his life and that I am doing the best that I can to provide structure and affection in his life.  I worry about him.  I really do.  God give me wisdom and insight in knowing how to best parent Braden.  I need it.  I want it.  For his sake.

Crunch Time....

It's crunch time for school.  I've got a 30-35 page paper due the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  I haven't written a single page yet.  Typically, I would be close to done by now.  I try to plan way ahead and allow a large margin of error in terms of time.  This semester has not allowed for that.  All of the training and extra responsibility related to the grant has impacted my ability to work ahead. 

The kids have kept me extremely busy too.  Braden is in soccer, Lexi is in jumprope, Nathan is in art club,  Lexi and Nathan take piano lessons and all three of them are in runner's club.  We have something every night of the week except Friday.  Time has flown by and I am just trying to hang on for dear life.

My mom is coming in tomorrow and has offered to "distract" the kids this weekend so I can begin writing the paper.  I'm not sure how much I will really get done because we have our family pictures taken on Saturday (for Christmas cards) and Braden has  a soccer game Saturday afternoon.  But, I am very blessed to have her coming in and hopeful I will at least get 3-4 pages written.  Once I get in the groove, it should go fairly quickly.

Survival is the name of the game for this semester.  If I can just complete both seminars without any emotional or mental scars (me or the kids) I will consider it to have been successful.  I told the kids tonight that things may be a little stressful for the next few weeks.  They were thrilled (not).  I'm learning a lot on my topic, I just wish I had time to really soak it in.

Side note:  I still don't really know who I am or what I'm thinking or feeling these days.  Life ha taken some different turns and I learn new things about myself every day.  I still often feel in "limbo" in terms of my identity (mostly related to marital status and friendships).  I often wonder if I am doing the right thing, in the right place at the right time.  There are days when I feel connected to people around me and then there are days when I feel like I'm isolated and alone.  Sometimes I think I try to isolate myself because I'm overwhelmed with responsibility at home and work and I can't even think about anyone else....which contributes to my lack of friendships and relationships.  I truly don't always have any extra time to devote to anyone other than my family, my work and school.  So, I work against myself.  I need relationships but I don't have time for relationships.  I'm not sure what to do about that.  I know school is a temporary stresser.  There will come a day when I no longer have that.  Maybe this is just part of the sacrifice of going to school.  Who knows, I'm just rambling trying to figure out my crazy self.