It's been a while....

It's been almost 10 months since I last posted. I'm not sure why I stopped. It seemed I had nothing to say.

I went back and read my last few posts and was reminded of what was going on in my heart and head almost a year ago. Sadly, not much has changed. I still struggle to know if I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.

This Christmas was tough. Life isn't working too well for me right now. I seem to have lost all boundaries. Everything feels out of control and chaotic. I'm under a lot of pressure at work and my parenting struggles have been magnified over the past couple of weeks.

I'm struggling....hurting...alone.

I don't have time for me and it is beginning to burn me out. I resent all the people who depend on me for one thing or another.

We had Christmas today. There wasn't one present under the tree for me. I spent hours and hundreds of dollars buying for the kids...I wasn't even thought of.

I'm down.

Something has to give.

Soon.

Am I there yet?

The past few days I have been thinking a lot. Probably too much. I've been thinking so much that I can't see reality clearly. Maybe it's like when you can't see the forest for the trees.

I question where I am at....what I am doing...if my kids are suffering or thriving. I wonder what it would be like to have a fresh start somewhere. I feel like I have allowed people to define me and put me in a box and wonder what it would be like to be rid of all of that.

Yet, the connections are deep. My kids seem to be doing well. I'm mostly happy. I have a lot of things that excite me in my job. I'm thankful, truly thankful for my job and the opportunities for ministry.

My frustration comes with having dreams and desires and maybe even gifts but not being able to use them or pursue them for one reason or another. I find myself unable to participate in some things with my kids because of my own limitations (time mainly) or because there are barriers that exist that are beyond my control.

I'll be honest and say that my status as a single, working mom seems to have its own challenges. I live in a married world...work in a "married with kids" church...and there is no support or admiration for singles. I've seen way too many posts on Facebook that remind me how people think of single parents. One person started her status like this "If I were a single parent I would be a big, fat slob...." Nice. On the planet I try to live on there is also not a lot of love for "working" moms...we are an easy target for people who want to question a mom's love or devotion for her kids....oh the guilt and assumptions....but that's a whole nother blog.

I live on another planet.

That's how I feel. Right now.

Oh...and throw in there that I go to a school that pretty much thinks women like me shouldn't be doing what I am doing....if I were to sit down with the President of the school and tell him who I was and what I did..and then if I were to ask him if he supported me in my calling and career....the answer would be "no". I'm not sure what he expects me to do....but he has made it clear that women belong in the home...not in the workforce and not serving in local churches. I'd like to leave the school but I am over halfway through with my PhD....it would be costly (time and money) to transfer....so I am stuck in a world that increasingly has less room for people like me....I just hope I can graduate before it becomes too much to stomach....its pretty close to that now.

Yet, I know I have come so far....crossed so many hurdles....I'm just not there yet.

I'm stuck in a world I don't fit in and don't really want to be in....

I'd really like to get there....wherever and whatever "there" is.

Maybe it is just that some more of the "reality" has hit....I'm living in a world I don't belong but have no idea what world I am supposed to be in....

For the first time, I feel truly "alone" in this adventure....the support I received over the past 4.5 years was fantastic, undeserved and overwhelming. Naturally and expectedly, it's waned some and I miss the support. I don't expect it (and maybe don't even need it) and don't begrudge that it isn't there now...I just miss it. I'm thankful that we have become fairly independent, it's just a little bit lonely.

My heart is continually pulled in the direction of our community. I don't know if that is God doing a work in me or if there seems to be more freedom and opportunities to use my gifts outside the church. This past week I had 7 different calls and opportunities to provide services or counseling with people from the community. Sometimes it feels like I have more support and respect outside the walls than inside the walls. People are truly appreciative when they are in crisis and that makes me feel good and needed. I know that can't be my motivation...to feel "good" or "needed", but it is nice.

Just rambling....Am I there yet? I'd sure like to be....

Wondering....questioning....

I'm at one of those points where I am re-evaluating where I am at...wondering if a change is needed. School has been a huge blessing in my life. In many ways, it has been the "formal" means by which I have moved forward...tackled new challenges...and been fairly successful. This past week it was announced some changes were being made at SWBTS. I don't agree with the changes...Not. At. All. As a matter of fact, it makes me angry when I think about it. The administration is taking a direction I don't support...a direction I can't and won't support.

So, what do I do about it? Keep plugging along? Get my degree from an institution I am no longer proud of? Pretend it's ok when it really isn't?

Transfer to another school? Maybe. The one I am considering is twice as expensive and it would prolong my degree plan. Would it be worth the cost? Is it where God wants me? I don't know. I'm trying to hear from Him. Trying to figure out what to do.

On a lighter note...I wish Brian would have been here to see Braden score ten goals today in basketball. I wish I had someone to brag on him with. But, I don't. He is having so much fun. I'm glad he has found something he enjoys and something that gets him positive attention. Another coach stopped me after his game and asked if Iwould consider letting Braden play with him on a select team next year. I wish his dad was here to tell him that.

I was reminded again this week of how well Nathan is doing in school. His test scores are rocking....he is working so hard....so very proud of him.

Lexi is having fun and doing well too! She has a tender heart and her faith is an encouragement to me.

I love my kids! They make me smile!

Random Thoughts

It's been a nice weekend in our household. We've had basketball games and jump rope performances, and I got rid of my washer and dryer and old refrigerator today. Some men from our church came and got the three appliances this morning and will make sure someone in need receives them. As I watched them load up this morning I was touched by their care and concern for people in need. Thank you God for men who help others. I was blessed by them today.

Report cards came and went a week or so ago. All three kids continue to do extremely well. Each of their teachers had wonderful things to say about their work ethic and progress. I've made it my new mantra to tell my kids often that I want them to be the hardest worker in their class. They don't have to be the smartest or fastest, but I do expect them to work the hardest. They are kids, but they are beginning to apply that to their lives. Nathan's teacher wrote that he has a work ethic like no other fifth grader she has witnessed. I was impressed that she said that. I'm thankful for how God has worked in their lives and provided healing and resilience.

I'm excited about lots of things at work. There are many new goals and challenges ahead. I am thankful for the opportunity to serve here for the past fourteen years. Even on tough days, it's still one of the best places in the world to work.

I look at my house and my closet and realize neither one of those things are top priorities for me. Having the most elegantly decorated home or wearing the most "in" clothes really don't matter. I've tried to care about those things...tried to envision making my home more "hip"....tried to shop for clothes that are "in"...but, I usually fall short....and frankly, I don't really care. Maybe more than that though, is the fact that I don't have time to care. It takes a lot of time and effort to shop and renovate. I don't have that luxury and that's ok. I'd rather spend time and money on trips with the kids making fun memories than have the most decked out house or the most stylish wardrobe. It's taken me a while to realize that's just not who I will ever be....and it's taken me a while to realize that I think my kids will remember the fun things we did together rather than the furniture or clothes they had when they were young. So, I will be trying to update my house as I can...and I will always want to "try" to look nice...but, I'm completely focused on making "memories" with the kids.... and I am confident that is a great investment!

It's been interesting the past couple of weeks because I am an associate member of an adult class at church. They recently formed new care groups. For the first time in 14 years, a church member (as a representative of an ABF) contacted me to see how we were and if I had any prayer requests. I had forgotten how good it feels to have someone (from an ABF) care about you. Another member of the group saw me yesterday and invited me to go to lunch with the group on the first Sunday of every month. Again, I was flattered to be invited. However, it brought up an ongoing struggle. Married people really don't want to hang around with a single mom and her three kids. They will do it every once in a while or on special occassions...but as a general rule, it just isn't a good fit. Which, makes me sad...and reminds me how different I am. I know they don't really want to hang out with me, but I'm glad they asked.

In the past 2-3 weeks I have had an increasing number of conversations with people who want to know if I have dated or would consider dating. In some ways, maybe it feels good they are asking...because most people have never broached that subject with me. I've often wondered what people think of me and whether I would get remarried. I'm still pretty confused on that whole topic. I get conflicting opinions and advice. My main focus has to be my kids but I do wish I wasn't doing this alone. I pray God will continue to help me want what He wants for my life...everything else will fall into place.

Life is good and sweet....the kids are in a groove right now...Braden is doing very well...and when he is doing well, we ALL do well.....

For a good weekend, I am grateful.

The Fair and Balanced Report

My last post reflected the emotional afterglow of our trip. It was definitely my all-time favorite family vacation. However, there were some hairy moments....and so, this is the fair and balanced report on the vacation.

It almost started out disastrously. I realized on Friday (before we were to leave on Sunday at 6:20am) that I did not have a birth certificate and that I could not get on the ship without one. I had gathered the kids but had failed to get mine. I was born in Oklahoma and the only way to obtain a birth certificate was for my mom to drive to Tulsa and get one and then my dad drove to Texas on Saturday to deliver it. Wow. I almost really, really, really blew it. I am so grateful that my parents were willing to step in and rescue me.

The next challenge came in getting all four of us up and out the door at 4:30am on Sunday morning. We did it, but it was certainly not a lot of fun. The kids did really well but it was incredibly stressful to try to make all that happen and get parked, go through security and get on an airplace by 6:00am. You just haven't lived until you have had to corral 3 kids and their luggage through an airport. I think I burned about 500 calories lugging it all.

Braden got lost once on the ship. It was an emotional reunion for him when we were reunited. He had insisted in getting himself some pizza without any help. When he returned the kids had moved on to another game and he couldn't find them. Instead of just waiting there, he began to roam the ship. I finally caught up with him on the 5th deck...he was supposed to be on the 9th deck. I think he learned a lesson....and so did I.

There were many lessons in manners, etiquette, and behavior modifications galore. Let's just say it was a good training exercise. They learned a lot and I was reminded that kids have to be taught many, many things. I also learned that Braden has no volume control. He has a booming voice and that became an issue we had to continually address.

There were times when I lost my patience and grew frustrated. Mostly, it was because I couldn't do everything I wanted to do because I was outnumbered....I found myself feeling down on myself every once in a while...wishing I had "perfect" children who needed no supervision. However, by the end of the trip I decided to give myself credit for doing the best I could. I saw no other single parents on the ship. Everyone else had at least two adults helping to corral their kids. I think I did pretty well considering there was only one of me. I gave myself permission to feel proud that we had been able to function well as a family and enjoy a nice vacation. This is actually pretty huge because many times I feel like the entertainment on vacation or in public. Our family can be a three-ring circus and I am learning to cut myself and my kids some slack.

We went from sun-up to sun-down each day...NONSTOP....and I really enjoyed not having my cell phone or internet access. I read no emails all week. It was glorious. I found that I was focused on the kids and living in the moment...and I enjoyed it.

The kids got several lectures from me. Braden pushed my buttons on a couple of occassions. They weren't perfect and neither was I. But, we had a good time....no, a FANASTIC time!

There were times when I wished I wasn't alone.

There were times when I wondered what in the world was I thinking to go on this vacation by myself with three kids.

There were also times when the kids fought and drove each other crazy.

Yep, it was a pretty normal week.

So, there's a more fair and balanced report....

It was an unforgettable trip....perfect? No.

Birthday Bucket List Trip

I have a million thoughts rolling through my head. I am trying to remember all the funny things the kids said on our trip....they were quite entertaining. Here are a few:

Braden (as we were walking through a casino to get to the waterpark): There sure are a LOT of people here WASTING their money....(in his loud and animated voice).

Lexi (as were riding in a bus in Nassau): There's black people everywhere here. (She got a multi-cultural lecture from me...brought her to tears, but it was funny how she said it)

Braden (as we were watching the Alaadin show with belly dancers): MOM, I think they are wearing some UNAPPROPRIATE clothes down there (said loudly so everyone around us could hear, at least it felt that way)

Braden (as people in front of us were taking pictures when they weren't supposed to): MOM, THEY AREN"T SUPPOSED TO TAKE PICTURES....THEY ARE TAKING PICTURES, MOM....(luckily, I think they didn't speak English because they never turned around and didn't quit taking pictures)

There were some more but I can't remember them right now...will come back and edit later.

SO, I "felt" like a super hero today. There is a difference between actually "being a superhero" and "feeling like one"...I'm not one, but I did feel it today. Packing suitcases, checking in suitcases, getting off the ship, catching a bus to the airport, renting a car all by myself, driving around Orlando all by myself, getting back to the airport all by myself, turning in the rental car, doing the security shuffle (that will kill you if you aren't careful!), hopping a train to the terminal, flying in an airplane with 3 rambunctious kids, picking up baggage, catching a "terminal link" to get to the parking garage where I parked, finding the car immediately (I took a pic of where I parked with my phone so I'd know what level, what garage and what space), finding my way out of the airport maze and driving home....Now, THAT makes me feel like a superhero! I think I counted 7 forms of transportation in the past 12 hours. And, there was very little emotional collateral damage...no lost items or children...and we came home with some money in our pocket.

I'd say, it was a good trip.

There was one point in the trip when I found myself overcome with emotion. I was watching my kids floating in an innertube in a glass enclosed waterslide through a tank of live sharks and it hit me....unexpectedly...my thought was this, "God, why do I get to do these things with my kids...why have you been so good to ME to allow ME to be here, with them...why doesn't Brian get to see this?" It wasn't an angry thought...it was a profoundly grateful moment when I realized our life is good and sweet and I am blessed to be able to make memories with my kids. I don't deserve all the fun times and memories we are making. I really don't.

And then....the kids came squealing out of the water telling me all about what they saw and begging me to go with them....and so, I did.....and I have to say, it was one of the COOOLEST waterslides I have ever ridden.....

For a wonderful week...and another item to check off my bucket list....I'm grateful.

Welcome 2010!

It's been a while since my last post.  I have been consumed with family and fun over the past few days.  I haven't really even had a chance to think about goals for 2010.  One thing that keeps rumbling through my brain is that I want to be less fearful in 2010.  

Fear tends to paralyze me, cripple me and discourage me.  I fear change, I fear risk, I fear failure.  This year, I'd like to fear less and risk more.  I'd like to be open, truly open to whatever 2010 brings.  My fear is rooted in a lack of trust.  I have a hard time trusting people and trusting God with the results of my efforts.  I spend far too much time calculating the risks instead of reaching for the reward.

2009 was more than I could have hoped for in terms of accomplishing some major goals.  I started off the year by passing my NCE exam with flying colors.  I took a major national exam 10 years post graduation that most people take within a year after graduation.  I spent months preparing for it and it only took me 42 minutes to complete the 200 question comprehensive exam.  My hard work paid off and I am extremely and profoundly grateful.  In May I received an award at school that included a cash scholarship.  In July I found out we won a cooperative agreement (grant) that has allowed many new ministry doors to open.  Finally, on December 21st, just six weeks after my building went up for sale, I closed on my commercial building in Granbury.  I can't think of a better ending to the year than getting rid of that incredible headache.

So, what does 2010 hold?  In just 6 days the kids and I leave on a Disney Cruise to celebrate my 40th birthday.  Last week I gave the kids a birthday party invitation that requested the pleasure of their company on the Disney Wonder January 10-14, 2010.  Thankfully, they accepted my invitation...:)  It will be Braden's first trip on an airplane and the kids first cruise.  Woohoo...can't wait!!!

I've got some new ideas ruminating in my mind related to reaching young families in our community.  I'm excited and ready to hit the ground running.  One of the areas that I want to focus on is transferring ownership of the preschool ministry to our parents.  We have a good buy in from our parents but I think it could be better and I think I have some ideas about how to do it....I'm also looking at doing some updating in the preschool area...that should be tons of fun!

So, I would say that I am extremely excited about 2010....looking forward to whatever challenges and opportunities that come my way..and trying, really trying to be less fearful and more risky....

For a fresh page to write on...I'm grateful.